The Mother of all Secrets
Two women meet in a deserted bar and share a secret.9 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Rhonda, finally I get to review this one and congratulate you on a well deserved contest entry. What a happy and sad tale this is mate. Very well written and presented. I guess one persons loss is anothers gain comes to the fore here. Well done my friend, cheers, Fez
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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G'day Rhonda, finally I get to review this one and congratulate you on a well deserved contest entry. What a happy and sad tale this is mate. Very well written and presented. I guess one persons loss is anothers gain comes to the fore here. Well done my friend, cheers, Fez
Comment Written 02-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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Thank you so much, and it just almost tied for first. Close is better than nothing, right? Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from NannaC43
Your story had quite a twist to it as it revealed two complete strangers meeting, and the secret they both had being the same as the others. It struck up a new friendship and they had something they could laugh about that neither of them
expected. It was interesting, a little naughty, but funny at the same time. I feel
you did a good job on this. Good luck on the contest!
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2015
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Your story had quite a twist to it as it revealed two complete strangers meeting, and the secret they both had being the same as the others. It struck up a new friendship and they had something they could laugh about that neither of them
expected. It was interesting, a little naughty, but funny at the same time. I feel
you did a good job on this. Good luck on the contest!
Comment Written 27-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Nanna. I didn't win, but came in a very close 2nd place, thanks. Did you intend the 4 stars? If so, that's fine, but I often hit the wrong number then go back and change it. Thanks for the review, regardless.
Rhonda
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an excellent write, mystery writer, I enjoyed reading this story about the mother who met the mother of her son in a bar and was able to hear the story of how she changed her life around. good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2015
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this is an excellent write, mystery writer, I enjoyed reading this story about the mother who met the mother of her son in a bar and was able to hear the story of how she changed her life around. good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much for the kind review, and for the time you took to add detail.
Comment from Megalips
Wow...that's a unique angle at this writing prompt and a really deep one. I like your little alliteration 'watched Cynthia saunter' in the middle of the story. I really don't have to rely on suspension of disbelief to see this lady following Cynthia into a bar after presumably finding out she was the one who had her son. The reader is certainly suppose to perceive that she has been watching for a while, well before the bar scene, and was aware of Cynthia's recent turmoil and decreased attention to her child. It's a bit of a surprise ending and works well. Good luck on the contest!
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2015
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Wow...that's a unique angle at this writing prompt and a really deep one. I like your little alliteration 'watched Cynthia saunter' in the middle of the story. I really don't have to rely on suspension of disbelief to see this lady following Cynthia into a bar after presumably finding out she was the one who had her son. The reader is certainly suppose to perceive that she has been watching for a while, well before the bar scene, and was aware of Cynthia's recent turmoil and decreased attention to her child. It's a bit of a surprise ending and works well. Good luck on the contest!
Comment Written 26-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much for the detailed and supportive review! You nailed the message right on the head
Comment from June Mae
I enjoyed this work about two women with very interesting life choices. The dialogue flows very smoothly. I particularly liked the introduction--"...as the customers in the bar began to slowly dwindle." The title was a good one as well. Thank you for sharing!
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2015
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I enjoyed this work about two women with very interesting life choices. The dialogue flows very smoothly. I particularly liked the introduction--"...as the customers in the bar began to slowly dwindle." The title was a good one as well. Thank you for sharing!
Comment Written 26-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much, June. What a sweet review!
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
The mother of all secrets is a good story but you have some work to do to make it a great story. The plot has holes from the part where Cynthia explains how she got the boy from a ragged homeless woman. If Sammie got paid quite a lot of money for 'pre-adoption care, how did the baby end up with the homeless woman? Cynthia didn't pay money until the baby was already born.
I am not very good at writing stories either but I am learning. Keep working on it and it will get better. Best wishes to you.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2015
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The mother of all secrets is a good story but you have some work to do to make it a great story. The plot has holes from the part where Cynthia explains how she got the boy from a ragged homeless woman. If Sammie got paid quite a lot of money for 'pre-adoption care, how did the baby end up with the homeless woman? Cynthia didn't pay money until the baby was already born.
I am not very good at writing stories either but I am learning. Keep working on it and it will get better. Best wishes to you.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2015
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They sat and chatted, Cynthia bought her a drink and sympathisized. I felt that was a friendship for a short story. As far as believability, don't know what to tell you there. I based it off a true story that happened to friends of mine, only they did go ahead and adopt the boy. I guess I could go back and change that part. Thanks for the review and pointing out the flaws.
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Okay, I've made some changes. Please tell me if it sounds better. Thanks.
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It sounds better but you still need to make a few more changes to make it a great story. I changed the review to 5 stars and gave you some ideas. Good luck.
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Thanks so much for the reread. It's wonderful when people take the time to help make a piece better.
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The homeless woman was Sammie who's made some changes in her life. I will try to clarify it.
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yeah, that will help
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you are welcome, other writers help me so I am passing it on, next will be your turn to pass what you learn :)
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I'll do my best, thanks, and the fun thing about being anonymous in the contests is that you write the reviews as though to strangers, and then you find out later that you know the person and have reviewed other works of theirs before. Point is I already knew that I can trust your opinion. Thanks.
Comment from dmt1967
'"Hey, hon, why don't you give it up and go home to (you) son?"' (your).
They say @it's a small world,' and your story proves it. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2015
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'"Hey, hon, why don't you give it up and go home to (you) son?"' (your).
They say @it's a small world,' and your story proves it. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2015
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Thank you for the review and the "heads up" on the Spag! It's funny how many times you can read something, and then still miss the little things. Thanks so much.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi...
_ This is an excellent story for an entry.
_ Very much in keeping with today's world.
<<< I noticed a couple of thing with this paragraph. I've made a suggestion.
_ It should be divided into '2' paragraphs.
_ You have two different actions going / The other woman and Cynthia.
ALSO...
_ It's better to NOT use 'redundant' verbiage, and especially back-to-back---in this case, using Cynthia.
_ By dividing them, you know which woman is doing what.
...YOURS....
At first the stranger didn't respond. She continued to sip her watered down drink and stare ahead, and then slowly and cautiously, she turned to face Cynthia. Cynthia held out the fresh drink and the stranger took it carefully. Cynthia couldn't help but notice there was something familiar about her eyes. Maybe it was just the same look of desperation she had in her own face.
...SUGGESTION...
At first the stranger didn't respond. She continued to sip her watered down drink and stare ahead, and then slowly and cautiously, she turned to face the woman who sat beside her.
Cynthia held out the fresh drink and the stranger took it carefully. She couldn't help but notice there was something familiar about the other woman's eyes. Maybe it was just the same look of desperation she had in her own face.
>>> In sentence below, instead of using a hyphen/dash--you should use an Em dash.
_ needed companionship - if only for a night or two.
_ Depending on how your word program is set up, there are a couple of ways to indicate an Em dash.
_ Method: word,dash,dash,word,space (no spaces until the last space) // Example: you--them
_ Method: two dashes instead of one between words, with no spaces // Example: you--them
>>> As in all my reviews, no disrespect intended, so please use or lose as you see fit.
_ Good luck in the contest.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2015
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Hi...
_ This is an excellent story for an entry.
_ Very much in keeping with today's world.
<<< I noticed a couple of thing with this paragraph. I've made a suggestion.
_ It should be divided into '2' paragraphs.
_ You have two different actions going / The other woman and Cynthia.
ALSO...
_ It's better to NOT use 'redundant' verbiage, and especially back-to-back---in this case, using Cynthia.
_ By dividing them, you know which woman is doing what.
...YOURS....
At first the stranger didn't respond. She continued to sip her watered down drink and stare ahead, and then slowly and cautiously, she turned to face Cynthia. Cynthia held out the fresh drink and the stranger took it carefully. Cynthia couldn't help but notice there was something familiar about her eyes. Maybe it was just the same look of desperation she had in her own face.
...SUGGESTION...
At first the stranger didn't respond. She continued to sip her watered down drink and stare ahead, and then slowly and cautiously, she turned to face the woman who sat beside her.
Cynthia held out the fresh drink and the stranger took it carefully. She couldn't help but notice there was something familiar about the other woman's eyes. Maybe it was just the same look of desperation she had in her own face.
>>> In sentence below, instead of using a hyphen/dash--you should use an Em dash.
_ needed companionship - if only for a night or two.
_ Depending on how your word program is set up, there are a couple of ways to indicate an Em dash.
_ Method: word,dash,dash,word,space (no spaces until the last space) // Example: you--them
_ Method: two dashes instead of one between words, with no spaces // Example: you--them
>>> As in all my reviews, no disrespect intended, so please use or lose as you see fit.
_ Good luck in the contest.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 25-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2015
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I am very much in gratitude to you for the suggestions!!! I love feedback that is constructive and helpful, as yours always is. Thanks a bunch.
Comment from Janet7053
Appreciate the surprise ending. The woman who had given up her son, and the one who bought the child really are living on the edge. Adoption is so expensive nowadays. Some of the red tape to adopt must be fixed if we don't want people doing it this way. When the child grows up he has absolutely no window into his past; whether medical or otherwise.
"go home to your son
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2015
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Appreciate the surprise ending. The woman who had given up her son, and the one who bought the child really are living on the edge. Adoption is so expensive nowadays. Some of the red tape to adopt must be fixed if we don't want people doing it this way. When the child grows up he has absolutely no window into his past; whether medical or otherwise.
"go home to your son
Comment Written 25-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2015
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Thanks for the review and further comments about adoption. You are entirely right! It is a problem that needs fixing, both for the adoptive parents and for the children waiting.
