Very Wrong
Sometimes you just know that things are very wrong26 total reviews
Comment from ellie6
Nicely creepy. a horrid little horror story. Atmospheric, it sounds as if it could happen. The boy attacking in the dark is well described, it made my blood run cold.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2015
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Nicely creepy. a horrid little horror story. Atmospheric, it sounds as if it could happen. The boy attacking in the dark is well described, it made my blood run cold.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2015
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Thanks so much, Ellie...I'm glad you thought it was creepy ; 0 )
Comment from TPAC
Writer statements carries these aspects of suspense coming to a grim fact of gore an exciting journey through print making a drama of increasing interests I think well done
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2015
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Writer statements carries these aspects of suspense coming to a grim fact of gore an exciting journey through print making a drama of increasing interests I think well done
Comment Written 07-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2015
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Thanks so very much for your comments!
Comment from Setter
I can see what a challenging assignment this was and would like to thank you for creating such a vivid scene, one that has drawn me in and left me wanting to know more about your characters, despite the incredibly tiny word limit. I wonder if it could have been even more vivid in a few places--for example, if you had chosen a horrifying image in place of the phrase "abject insanity" or if you could have found another way to show what was wrong with Steven instead of relying on a vague word like "troubled"?
I also wonder if there's some reason that Steven's parents weren't given names, or if there's any way you could have given some hint as to this family's relationship to the narrator? If they were strangers, "During the storm, the woman begged me to stay with her troubled son" might have been smoother. Alternatively, you could have referred to her as "my sister" or "my neighbour," etc., and looked for a chance to shave off a word elsewhere. I think there are a few opportunities for further tightening, but overall, I like what you've done within the constraints you've been given.
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reply by the author on 08-Jul-2015
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I can see what a challenging assignment this was and would like to thank you for creating such a vivid scene, one that has drawn me in and left me wanting to know more about your characters, despite the incredibly tiny word limit. I wonder if it could have been even more vivid in a few places--for example, if you had chosen a horrifying image in place of the phrase "abject insanity" or if you could have found another way to show what was wrong with Steven instead of relying on a vague word like "troubled"?
I also wonder if there's some reason that Steven's parents weren't given names, or if there's any way you could have given some hint as to this family's relationship to the narrator? If they were strangers, "During the storm, the woman begged me to stay with her troubled son" might have been smoother. Alternatively, you could have referred to her as "my sister" or "my neighbour," etc., and looked for a chance to shave off a word elsewhere. I think there are a few opportunities for further tightening, but overall, I like what you've done within the constraints you've been given.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2015
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I think each of your points is very valid, but constraints dictate in flash fiction, that you just have to make concessions. One hundred words are so few. This is really fun, though. It is an exercise in "bottom lining" lol
Comment from Bill Schott
This tiny tale of terror, Very Wrong, is packed to the brim with action. You have been able to eliminate why the protagonist was there, and allowed the readers to write that story. The idea that Steven is crazy is clear, and our narrator's fate is looking bleak. Nicely posted.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2015
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This tiny tale of terror, Very Wrong, is packed to the brim with action. You have been able to eliminate why the protagonist was there, and allowed the readers to write that story. The idea that Steven is crazy is clear, and our narrator's fate is looking bleak. Nicely posted.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2015
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Thanks, Bill! This one was fun!I wrote this as a Yugen Haiku where there is an unexplained element to it. So, I love it that the readers are guessing as to the scenario.
Comment from royowen
Well done, firstly to escape the inevitable mauling at the hands of the son, then to be rescued by the hero dad, then, to our hero's horror to be faced by a knife wielding mad son, well done, very imaginative, good entry in this contest, good luck, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2015
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Well done, firstly to escape the inevitable mauling at the hands of the son, then to be rescued by the hero dad, then, to our hero's horror to be faced by a knife wielding mad son, well done, very imaginative, good entry in this contest, good luck, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2015
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Gee, I get two from you! This makes my day! Thanks for your notes. I truly appreciate every one.
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My pleasure
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Always enjoy reading, and writing, a good Horror story. Suspenseful, blood, guts, terror, and an insane monster. All very good elements displayed in this well written little tale. Should be a good contest entry. Well done.
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Always enjoy reading, and writing, a good Horror story. Suspenseful, blood, guts, terror, and an insane monster. All very good elements displayed in this well written little tale. Should be a good contest entry. Well done.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2015
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This meets the contest requirements splendidly. You deliver a chilling piece of familial horror in your few well chosen words. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you for sharing it.
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This meets the contest requirements splendidly. You deliver a chilling piece of familial horror in your few well chosen words. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you for sharing it.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2015
Comment from Judgement Dave
Good job getting a story done in 100 words.
Really liked "Laughing in the stormy darkness, his hands, his teeth were relentless. I was no match for abject insanity."
It felt a bit odd the two mentions of 'Steven' coming near the end, when he hadn't been named earlier.
Hope this makes sense & maybe even helps,
Cheers
JD
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Good job getting a story done in 100 words.
Really liked "Laughing in the stormy darkness, his hands, his teeth were relentless. I was no match for abject insanity."
It felt a bit odd the two mentions of 'Steven' coming near the end, when he hadn't been named earlier.
Hope this makes sense & maybe even helps,
Cheers
JD
Comment Written 02-Jul-2015
Comment from Mark Valentine
This one didn't announce itself in my message box - glad I found it. I've done a couple of these 100 word things before - amazing how quickly the word count piles up. You managed to fit in a suspensful story and a surprise ending in that limit. The artwork is perfect- did yo do that?
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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This one didn't announce itself in my message box - glad I found it. I've done a couple of these 100 word things before - amazing how quickly the word count piles up. You managed to fit in a suspensful story and a surprise ending in that limit. The artwork is perfect- did yo do that?
Comment Written 02-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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Thanks again for the encouragement, Mark. If even one person thinks your words matter, it means everything..
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
I enjoyed reading your tiny horror story. You did a great job developing the characters and the plot; also, I like the attractive format. Good job!
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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I enjoyed reading your tiny horror story. You did a great job developing the characters and the plot; also, I like the attractive format. Good job!
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2015
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Bless your heart! Thanks so much. It was challenging and fun at the same time.
