The Change
Undelivered Father's Day card60 total reviews
Comment from Linda Kay
This was so well written, I can actually hear the voice of it being a spoken piece. The detailed descriptions, such as "from the corpse of Mister Roger's" ( who by the way, was really an awesome person, I lived not far from his real neighborhood in Pittsburgh), and the alliteration of covered in clay, did a good job of helping the reader visualize the story. The reader feels pulled in and proud for you as you won an award, and.. grew into a fine person with your father's help.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
  |
This was so well written, I can actually hear the voice of it being a spoken piece. The detailed descriptions, such as "from the corpse of Mister Roger's" ( who by the way, was really an awesome person, I lived not far from his real neighborhood in Pittsburgh), and the alliteration of covered in clay, did a good job of helping the reader visualize the story. The reader feels pulled in and proud for you as you won an award, and.. grew into a fine person with your father's help.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
-
Thank you, Linda, for your generous, six star review. I am glad my detailed descriptions pulled you into my story. I love "Mister Rogers' Neighborhood." Yes, my father helped me grow into a fine person. Once again, thanks.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
a touching, rather sad story in some ways,
and yet, you developed into a strong, confident
person without that fatherly figure in your life.
My own three sons haven't known a father since they
were 2,5 and 8, but they grew up fine, strong, are
in good relationships, have decent jobs and lovely
homes - so I guess it's the way of the world these
days.
It's those absent father's who miss out on seeing their
children grow and develop - their loss.
a couple of minor things:
I paused then burst into tears. - a question - what did you pause from? You weren't speaking - perhaps simply:
I burst into tears
A month later(,) as I accepted my award at a banquet - add comma.
Impressive and most enjoyable, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
 |
a touching, rather sad story in some ways,
and yet, you developed into a strong, confident
person without that fatherly figure in your life.
My own three sons haven't known a father since they
were 2,5 and 8, but they grew up fine, strong, are
in good relationships, have decent jobs and lovely
homes - so I guess it's the way of the world these
days.
It's those absent father's who miss out on seeing their
children grow and develop - their loss.
a couple of minor things:
I paused then burst into tears. - a question - what did you pause from? You weren't speaking - perhaps simply:
I burst into tears
A month later(,) as I accepted my award at a banquet - add comma.
Impressive and most enjoyable, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 23-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
-
Thank you, Margaret, for your kind review and corrections. I will make them. I am glad my story touched you.
Comment from livelylinda
Sis Cat: a beautiful story which brought me to tears. It hit home a bit. I never knew my father; he left when I was age 2 years. I found him recently, his ashes placement actually, which are within an hour of me. I need to go and say hello and goodbye. You are so lucky to have had the opportunity to spend a little time with him.
Nice writing, heart felt, good for you being to your father what he could never be to you. You are strong. livelylinda
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
|
Sis Cat: a beautiful story which brought me to tears. It hit home a bit. I never knew my father; he left when I was age 2 years. I found him recently, his ashes placement actually, which are within an hour of me. I need to go and say hello and goodbye. You are so lucky to have had the opportunity to spend a little time with him.
Nice writing, heart felt, good for you being to your father what he could never be to you. You are strong. livelylinda
Comment Written 23-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
-
Thank you, livelylinda, for your generous, six star review. In my father's last decade, I knew he had little time left. So I invested heavily in spending as much time with him as I could. I knew I would never have another opportunity to dress him for an awards dinner. I got clear quickly and set aside my pain and regrets. I have a dear memory because of it.
Do go say hello and goodbye to your father's ashes. I greet my father's picture on my altar just about everyday. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Treischel
A very touching and unusual Father's Day tale about an absent father. It is very touching in its observations. The title does perfectly tell it all, but the most endearing part is the growth in acceptance and forgiveness. I very honorable way to turn the other cheek.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
|
A very touching and unusual Father's Day tale about an absent father. It is very touching in its observations. The title does perfectly tell it all, but the most endearing part is the growth in acceptance and forgiveness. I very honorable way to turn the other cheek.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
-
Yes, Treischel, I have seen people self-destruct by refusing to forgive. I am cheered that my story touched you. Thanks for your heartfelt review.
Comment from Jay Squires
This would be perfect for a speech, Andre. I can see and hear you standing up there mesmerizing your audience. I'd be out there sitting in your Dad's seat.
Proud to know you, my friend.
empty seat in the audience." But if I [You have a phantom quote mark here, at least as far as I can see.]
Now he expects me to come to his? [Andre, I can't find any reference to your father inviting you to go with him. You should reference that.]
Bill hugged me as a father [Paragraph space.]
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
|
This would be perfect for a speech, Andre. I can see and hear you standing up there mesmerizing your audience. I'd be out there sitting in your Dad's seat.
Proud to know you, my friend.
empty seat in the audience." But if I [You have a phantom quote mark here, at least as far as I can see.]
Now he expects me to come to his? [Andre, I can't find any reference to your father inviting you to go with him. You should reference that.]
Bill hugged me as a father [Paragraph space.]
Comment Written 23-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
-
Thank you, Jay, for your kind review and corrections. I will see what I can do about those sentences. You are the second person who asked about an invitation. Thanks again.
Comment from Joan E.
Thank you for having the courage to write and perform this very evocative piece plus add the photo of the actual undelivered card to intensify the mood. I am pleased you could rise above your pain and disappointment and attend your father's award's dinner plus "father" him. Congratulations on being recognized by the the State Legislature--I'm sure even your absent father would have been very proud. Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
|
Thank you for having the courage to write and perform this very evocative piece plus add the photo of the actual undelivered card to intensify the mood. I am pleased you could rise above your pain and disappointment and attend your father's award's dinner plus "father" him. Congratulations on being recognized by the the State Legislature--I'm sure even your absent father would have been very proud. Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 23-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
-
Yes, Joan, my father would have been proud of me. The last thing he told me on his death bed was, "You ain't seen nothing yet." I did not understand what he meant, but after he died I resumed writing after a twenty year hiatus and I added performance. My father knew I had a potential for greatness.
I created my story in June 2014 on a hunch that my mother did not deliver the Father's Day cards I made for my father. Last month I confirmed my forty year suspicions when I found my undelivered card in my mother's storage unit. My card illustrates my story.
Thank you for your generous, six star review.
-
I am glad that you experienced the recognition that your father was proud of you. Smiles- Joan
Comment from chasennov
Undelivered Father's Day card "The Change" You have a lot of courage to do and think as you did. not many children will, or could be that brave. This is an excellent story you told here about your father and you. Well done.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
|
Undelivered Father's Day card "The Change" You have a lot of courage to do and think as you did. not many children will, or could be that brave. This is an excellent story you told here about your father and you. Well done.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
-
Thank you, chasennov, for your kind review. Yes, it took a lot of courage for me to do what I did, but it also took humility, because if I let my ego, pride, or pain get in the way, my act of courage would not have been possible. Thanks for your review.
-
You are most welcome.
Comment from w.j.debi
What a touching story. Every kid deserves a Dad that will be there for all those special events. How wonderful that you had the heart to overcome any bitterness that you might have let get in the way and go with him to that awards ceremony. You will always have that special moment and a memory no one can take from you.
This is well told. You have a wonderful narrative voice.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
|
What a touching story. Every kid deserves a Dad that will be there for all those special events. How wonderful that you had the heart to overcome any bitterness that you might have let get in the way and go with him to that awards ceremony. You will always have that special moment and a memory no one can take from you.
This is well told. You have a wonderful narrative voice.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
-
Yes, w.j.debi, I will always have that special moment. During my father's last years, I invested heavily in spending as much time as I could with him to build a reservoir of memories where there were none. I will always cherish those memories. Thanks.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Cat (er, Bill) Very touching and inspiring story here, my friend. I couldn't take my eyes away from the paper until the end. Very good indeed. Bravo!
Just a bit confusing in this part....perhaps you need a transition sentence before it:
"Before I arrived, my father planned to attend his award dinner alone. I thought, "Hmm, this is interesting. My father never once came to my birthdays, graduations, or award dinners. Now he expects me to come to his?" (I don't recall seeing where he asked youto go with him to the dinner?? Perhaps say, "I knew he would be asking me or he did ask me to go to keep it clear)
Happy Father's Day belated. (I know how it feels...believe me)
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
|
Hi, Cat (er, Bill) Very touching and inspiring story here, my friend. I couldn't take my eyes away from the paper until the end. Very good indeed. Bravo!
Just a bit confusing in this part....perhaps you need a transition sentence before it:
"Before I arrived, my father planned to attend his award dinner alone. I thought, "Hmm, this is interesting. My father never once came to my birthdays, graduations, or award dinners. Now he expects me to come to his?" (I don't recall seeing where he asked youto go with him to the dinner?? Perhaps say, "I knew he would be asking me or he did ask me to go to keep it clear)
Happy Father's Day belated. (I know how it feels...believe me)
Comment Written 22-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2015
-
Thank you, Bob, for your generous, six star review and suggestion for a transitional sentence. Another reviewer made the same remark. I added a sentence in response. It was his third wife and not my father who asked me to attend his awards dinner. She did not want to leave him alone. My visit came at a great time.
Thanks again also for your suggestions that I post with a $1.00+ payout for review. I have received my best reviews for this story.
-
I am so glad for you, Bill. Bob
Comment from CD Richards
A deeply moving story, told so well. I think it's an incredible feat that you managed to become the man you wanted your father to be for you. I also watched the video; you have amazing public speaking skills - I'm totally envious. I've been a professional teacher, addressing audiences day in and day out, and I struggle with public speaking. You make it seem easy. Well done. Craig.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2015
|
A deeply moving story, told so well. I think it's an incredible feat that you managed to become the man you wanted your father to be for you. I also watched the video; you have amazing public speaking skills - I'm totally envious. I've been a professional teacher, addressing audiences day in and day out, and I struggle with public speaking. You make it seem easy. Well done. Craig.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2015
-
Thank you, Craig, for your generous review of both the written and the performed versions of my story. One of the boons of my father's passing was that I resumed story writing after a twenty year hiatus, but I added a twist of performing my stories. I attended hundreds of live storytelling events, observed, studied, and took notes. I then began performing my own stories from memory. I am more afraid of watching TV than I am of performing in front of hundreds of people. Thank you for your review.
