The Change
Undelivered Father's Day card60 total reviews
Comment from Mr. Dark
I hated this.
I spend my days having my faith in humanity trampled on. To the point that it's turned me into a bitter, sour, cynical bitch whose only reprieve is to write graphic, self-indulgent horror stories so that my disillusionment doesn't consume me completely. Then I read something poignant like this, and a ray of light breaks through my gloom, and I think to myself: 'maybe there is a glimmer of hope that the human race isn't on a one way nose dive...'
Instead of making your father out to be what I expected-a selfish, self-absorbed ass-you made him human, and it reminded me of the lessons I learned: that while your parents are Gods when you're young, when you get older you realize that they are simply human like anyone else, full of conflict and doubt, bogged down with luggage of their own from their own upbringing, and making it up as they go along. There is no greater revelation in life than when you realize this, and you painted it beautifully in this story.
We get older, but we never truly grow up until we lose a parent. And sometimes the best lessons we learn from our parents is how not to be. Not everyone is strong enough to empty their baggage. Some people carry it around their whole lives. In fact, most people do, and it become so much a part of them that it becomes a graft. But those, like yourself, who choose to empty their luggage and be free find the epiphany that we all spend our lives looking for.
This was stunningly beautiful. Not syrupy, not 'oh, please cry with me!,' not Hallmark. This felt more like blood being let onto the page for yourself and no one else, and that made it both highly personal, and deeply engrossing.
Damn you for keep my hopes in humanity alive, sir.
:)
xoxo
--Sara
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2015
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I hated this.
I spend my days having my faith in humanity trampled on. To the point that it's turned me into a bitter, sour, cynical bitch whose only reprieve is to write graphic, self-indulgent horror stories so that my disillusionment doesn't consume me completely. Then I read something poignant like this, and a ray of light breaks through my gloom, and I think to myself: 'maybe there is a glimmer of hope that the human race isn't on a one way nose dive...'
Instead of making your father out to be what I expected-a selfish, self-absorbed ass-you made him human, and it reminded me of the lessons I learned: that while your parents are Gods when you're young, when you get older you realize that they are simply human like anyone else, full of conflict and doubt, bogged down with luggage of their own from their own upbringing, and making it up as they go along. There is no greater revelation in life than when you realize this, and you painted it beautifully in this story.
We get older, but we never truly grow up until we lose a parent. And sometimes the best lessons we learn from our parents is how not to be. Not everyone is strong enough to empty their baggage. Some people carry it around their whole lives. In fact, most people do, and it become so much a part of them that it becomes a graft. But those, like yourself, who choose to empty their luggage and be free find the epiphany that we all spend our lives looking for.
This was stunningly beautiful. Not syrupy, not 'oh, please cry with me!,' not Hallmark. This felt more like blood being let onto the page for yourself and no one else, and that made it both highly personal, and deeply engrossing.
Damn you for keep my hopes in humanity alive, sir.
:)
xoxo
--Sara
Comment Written 27-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2015
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Sara, if "we never truly grow up until we lose a parent," we never truly, truly grow up until we lose both parents back-to-back eleven weeks apart. I was preparing to read my father's poetry at his memorial service when my mother died as well, so I read her poetry at her memorial service, too. Although they bugged me for decades to write, I refused. It took their deaths to throw me onto the world's stage to first perform their poetry and then to write and perform my own. If they were still alive, I would not be writing today.
I cannot change their deaths. I cannot change what they did or did not do to and for me. But I can choose how I live now. Besides food, water, and air, poetry and prose sustains me. I pour my lose, my pain, my regrets into writing. It is funny how I lived so long without writing. Now I cannot live without it. Thank you for your insightful review.
Comment from ellie6
A brave little tale that speaks of hope and resolution. A moving foeward and acceptance. It takes courage and maturity to take the journey you have taken.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2015
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A brave little tale that speaks of hope and resolution. A moving foeward and acceptance. It takes courage and maturity to take the journey you have taken.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2015
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Yes, "It takes courage and maturity to take the journey you have taken." I know many people, even in my own family, who held a grudge against my father until the very end of his life. I am glad I took my journey. It is one I can only take for myself. Thank you, ellie6, for review.
Comment from LIJ Red
The United States, if the news media is right, is becoming a fatherless nation. I wonder if this is reflected in the problems of poorly executed authority figures clashing with undisciplined products of one-parent homes...You tell your story
clearly and well.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2015
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The United States, if the news media is right, is becoming a fatherless nation. I wonder if this is reflected in the problems of poorly executed authority figures clashing with undisciplined products of one-parent homes...You tell your story
clearly and well.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2015
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Thank you, LIJ Red, for your kind, informative review on my story reflecting the state of our fatherless nation.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Good video performance, Andre. I've added it to my favorites, and thanks for the link provided.
I remember Mr. Rodger's neighborhood very well, my friend. He always wore those frumpy sweaters. It was his trademark.
As for your story, it was genuine, real--heartwarming and well conveyed. Many have been, and still are, in the very same predicament you found yourself in. They have no father figure in their lives to help guide them. You being pragmatic about it--stepping up to the proverbial plate to swallow your anger, hurt, and yes, even your pride--was the proper thing to do. Could everyone have done so, given the same circumstances. But look at what you would have missed out on--those indelible memories that cannot be erased--if you had.
Good luck in the Story of the Month Competition, Andre, and beyond...
~Dean
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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Good video performance, Andre. I've added it to my favorites, and thanks for the link provided.
I remember Mr. Rodger's neighborhood very well, my friend. He always wore those frumpy sweaters. It was his trademark.
As for your story, it was genuine, real--heartwarming and well conveyed. Many have been, and still are, in the very same predicament you found yourself in. They have no father figure in their lives to help guide them. You being pragmatic about it--stepping up to the proverbial plate to swallow your anger, hurt, and yes, even your pride--was the proper thing to do. Could everyone have done so, given the same circumstances. But look at what you would have missed out on--those indelible memories that cannot be erased--if you had.
Good luck in the Story of the Month Competition, Andre, and beyond...
~Dean
Comment Written 23-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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Yes, Dean, I will always have that memory of me dressing my father, attending his awards dinner, and having our picture taken. I treated each day with him as if it was his last. I was right, and I have a wonderful story to show for it. Thanks for your review and good luck wishes in the contest.
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It was my pleasure, Andre. You are more than welcome.
~Dean
Comment from sandragee
This is a very emotional and thought-provoking piece on forgiveness. You concentrated on the positive when it would have been so easy to see only the negative. It was good that you were able to leave the past in the past where it belonged. Good job.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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This is a very emotional and thought-provoking piece on forgiveness. You concentrated on the positive when it would have been so easy to see only the negative. It was good that you were able to leave the past in the past where it belonged. Good job.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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Thank you, sandragee, for your kind review. I know so many people, including many of FanStory, who would not have forgiven the person you wronged them. I had to do it for my own survival because regret, revenge, and anger would have destroyed me. I am glad my message of forgiveness resonated with you.
Comment from Serendipity!
This is one of the best that I have found on FanStory so far. Is it because you had a wonderful, forgiving mother that you could respond to your Dad like this, or did you travel this pathway alone? I commend you for your courage to care. Are you a Christian?
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015
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This is one of the best that I have found on FanStory so far. Is it because you had a wonderful, forgiving mother that you could respond to your Dad like this, or did you travel this pathway alone? I commend you for your courage to care. Are you a Christian?
Comment Written 22-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015
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Yes. I knew my time with my father was running short and chose to maximize the time I had left with him. I knew that his awards dinner was my only opportunity to treat him in a way I wanted him to treat me. As I stated in another story, "When you know your father is going to die, you can bury the hatchet without burying the hatchet in his head." Many people stated they would not have forgiven him. I, on the other hand, needed to forgive him or my anger and regret will destroy me. His third wife, Kristen, was instrumental in reuniting my father with his estranged family. Thank you for your review.
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Thank you for your response, it is very meaningful. God bless you.
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Thank you for your response, it is very meaningful. God bless you.
Comment from barkingdog
Your story is poignant and shows both the emotions of being hurt because your father was never there for you and then the more adult position of being there for him.
Too bad he couldn't be there for your award.
You'd best take the sentence about this being in a voting booth or you'll be disqualified for soliciting votes.
:)e
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015
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Your story is poignant and shows both the emotions of being hurt because your father was never there for you and then the more adult position of being there for him.
Too bad he couldn't be there for your award.
You'd best take the sentence about this being in a voting booth or you'll be disqualified for soliciting votes.
:)e
Comment Written 22-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2015
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Thank you, barkingdog, for your kind review and for your recommendations. I deleted the reference. As I continue to write and perform stories about my father, I feel his presence with me when I win awards. Thanks for your review.
Comment from mvbrooks
You have a strong story and I can see why it was popular. It has a universal theme--wanting a parent's approval.
Most of us have been embarrassed by a parent, so that aspect is also relate-able.
Your ending is definitely heart-warming and gives the reader a memorable image (the mantel/altar and picture) to take away.
Watch your verb tenses. Since the story is told in the past tense -- when you are recalling a "further past" remember to use the past perfect verb form (had).
Using the correct verb tense helps the story's flow.
Editing notes:
" I discovered my father's stepchildren from his third marriage moved out..."
--need to add "had" before "moved" When the character "discovers" this, it had already happened, so need "had moved out..."
" wife would leave on a visit to her brother."
--would be (need to add "be" after "would"
----------------
" Before I arrived and his wife departed, my father planned to attend his award dinner alone. Suitcase held in hand, his wife turned from the opened door and gazed at me."
--this sentence is confusing. Perhaps
"Before I had arrived, and before his wife had departed, my father was planning to attend his award dinner alone. Suitcase in hand, his wife had turned from the opened door and gazed at me.
--"suitcase held in hand" is redundant--recommend omitting "held" as it is implied if the "suitcase" is "in hand"
-------------
"But if I treated my father..."
--need a comma after "but"
------------
" sported a road kill fur hat."
--road-kill needs a hyphen, it's a compound adjective
---------------
"He looked regal in the clothes I picked for him."
--watch verb tenses. In this case, "I had picked for him
-----------
A thought:
"My father complied and my face brightened. My arms opened wide. "Now you look like my father."
--This is the second time in the story that his arms "opened wide" -- last time was to block a doorway. Is he offering his father a hug?
---------------
" I stared at my father's baggy sweater which came from the neighborhood of Mister Rogers' corpse.
--this sounded awkward.
Consider
I stared at my father's baggy sweater which seemed as if it had come from Mister Roger's corpse." (Those who would get the Mr. Rogers neighborhood analogy would still get it in this sentence).
"Clay caked his clothes."
--just a thought--the first time I read this sentence I thought "Oh, I guess "Clay" is the father's name. After reading more, I figured out it was "clay" like "mud" rather than a name. This interrupted the story's flow.
----------------
" as I wanted him to prepare me for mine."
--as I had wanted him (or as I would have wanted him...
-----------------
A thought:
"I only have baby pictures of Dad and me together."
--this sentence suggests that you and your Dad were babies together.
Consider
My only pictures of Dad and me together are my baby pictures.
-----------------
"Three years later Dad died of prostate cancer."
--need a comma after "later," its an introductory phrase.
-------------
"What's wrong? Are you happy?"
--a thought -- the prior line stated you burst into tear -- so asking "Are you happy?" seems out-of-place.
Consider
What's wrong? Aren't you happy?
--this version shows the dichotomy of "good news" getting the reaction of "tears."
----------------
"as I accepted my award at a banquet,"
--this is correct -- however, consider omitting "at a banquet" as it doesn't add any real information to this section and the writing is tighter without it.
----------------
Consider:
During Christmas that year, I took out the picture of my dad and me from his Alpha Kappa Alpha award banquet.
-------
"Now I left our picture on his altar year around next to my award on the wall."
--this is again a "phantom" reference. This is the first mention of "his altar."
Consider:
During Christmas that year, I took out the picture of my dad and me from his Alpha Kappa Alpha award banquet and placed it on my mantel. I left our picture on this altar next to my award on the wall behind it. Whenever I would get good news, I smiled at the picture and say, "Dad, you would not believe what happened today."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
 |
You have a strong story and I can see why it was popular. It has a universal theme--wanting a parent's approval.
Most of us have been embarrassed by a parent, so that aspect is also relate-able.
Your ending is definitely heart-warming and gives the reader a memorable image (the mantel/altar and picture) to take away.
Watch your verb tenses. Since the story is told in the past tense -- when you are recalling a "further past" remember to use the past perfect verb form (had).
Using the correct verb tense helps the story's flow.
Editing notes:
" I discovered my father's stepchildren from his third marriage moved out..."
--need to add "had" before "moved" When the character "discovers" this, it had already happened, so need "had moved out..."
" wife would leave on a visit to her brother."
--would be (need to add "be" after "would"
----------------
" Before I arrived and his wife departed, my father planned to attend his award dinner alone. Suitcase held in hand, his wife turned from the opened door and gazed at me."
--this sentence is confusing. Perhaps
"Before I had arrived, and before his wife had departed, my father was planning to attend his award dinner alone. Suitcase in hand, his wife had turned from the opened door and gazed at me.
--"suitcase held in hand" is redundant--recommend omitting "held" as it is implied if the "suitcase" is "in hand"
-------------
"But if I treated my father..."
--need a comma after "but"
------------
" sported a road kill fur hat."
--road-kill needs a hyphen, it's a compound adjective
---------------
"He looked regal in the clothes I picked for him."
--watch verb tenses. In this case, "I had picked for him
-----------
A thought:
"My father complied and my face brightened. My arms opened wide. "Now you look like my father."
--This is the second time in the story that his arms "opened wide" -- last time was to block a doorway. Is he offering his father a hug?
---------------
" I stared at my father's baggy sweater which came from the neighborhood of Mister Rogers' corpse.
--this sounded awkward.
Consider
I stared at my father's baggy sweater which seemed as if it had come from Mister Roger's corpse." (Those who would get the Mr. Rogers neighborhood analogy would still get it in this sentence).
"Clay caked his clothes."
--just a thought--the first time I read this sentence I thought "Oh, I guess "Clay" is the father's name. After reading more, I figured out it was "clay" like "mud" rather than a name. This interrupted the story's flow.
----------------
" as I wanted him to prepare me for mine."
--as I had wanted him (or as I would have wanted him...
-----------------
A thought:
"I only have baby pictures of Dad and me together."
--this sentence suggests that you and your Dad were babies together.
Consider
My only pictures of Dad and me together are my baby pictures.
-----------------
"Three years later Dad died of prostate cancer."
--need a comma after "later," its an introductory phrase.
-------------
"What's wrong? Are you happy?"
--a thought -- the prior line stated you burst into tear -- so asking "Are you happy?" seems out-of-place.
Consider
What's wrong? Aren't you happy?
--this version shows the dichotomy of "good news" getting the reaction of "tears."
----------------
"as I accepted my award at a banquet,"
--this is correct -- however, consider omitting "at a banquet" as it doesn't add any real information to this section and the writing is tighter without it.
----------------
Consider:
During Christmas that year, I took out the picture of my dad and me from his Alpha Kappa Alpha award banquet.
-------
"Now I left our picture on his altar year around next to my award on the wall."
--this is again a "phantom" reference. This is the first mention of "his altar."
Consider:
During Christmas that year, I took out the picture of my dad and me from his Alpha Kappa Alpha award banquet and placed it on my mantel. I left our picture on this altar next to my award on the wall behind it. Whenever I would get good news, I smiled at the picture and say, "Dad, you would not believe what happened today."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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Once again, thank you for your thorough and instructive review. I will print out your recommendations and make the needed corrections, particularly since the voting is underway for Story of the Month and I want my story to look its best. I may ask you to view it again after I made the changes. I have already nominated you for reviewer of the month,, so I will give you a heartfelt thanks.
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Absolutely! You have a great story and it will prove a strong contender.
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In two stories within one week, you have given me my most instructive line-by-line edits I have ever received on Fanstory. I not only made the changes and corrections recommended, but I focused on learning to write correctly, smoothly, and tightly so I could improve my writing on my next story. You have a great skill and eye. I would appreciate it if you take a second look at my story to see if we caught everything. Once again, thanks.
Comment from Meera19
Truthful and loving. It was honestly an amazing story and I look forward to reading other things you may have wrote!! Keep it up and i'm really sorry about what happened in this book! But don't be sad, your dad is most DEFINITELY proud of you and he would be happy to see you writing amazing things!
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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Truthful and loving. It was honestly an amazing story and I look forward to reading other things you may have wrote!! Keep it up and i'm really sorry about what happened in this book! But don't be sad, your dad is most DEFINITELY proud of you and he would be happy to see you writing amazing things!
Comment Written 20-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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Yes, my father would be proud of me. He always knew I had great potential before I realized it. I am thrilled to share our story. Thanks for your encouraging review.
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Your welcome, keep on writing from your heart!
Comment from Mark Valentine
From the artwork, to the quality of the writing (particularly the paragraph about you dressing your father), to the humor "A baggy sweater that came from the neighborhood of Mr. Roger's corpse", to the power of the story itself, this one is a masterpiece - well deserving of a story of the month nomination. I haven't read all the entries yet, but I'd be very surprised if there's a better on out there.
Fantastic.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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From the artwork, to the quality of the writing (particularly the paragraph about you dressing your father), to the humor "A baggy sweater that came from the neighborhood of Mr. Roger's corpse", to the power of the story itself, this one is a masterpiece - well deserving of a story of the month nomination. I haven't read all the entries yet, but I'd be very surprised if there's a better on out there.
Fantastic.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2015
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Mark, I am heartened to read your six star review. It cheers me and would have made my father proud. I am glad that this "masterpiece" moved you. Thank you for your support.
