Destiny's Angel
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Butterflies"A fantasy novel set in modern day Baltimore
9 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Rhonda, beautiful work mate. I love the light hearted wit in the dialogue. This story is moving along nicely without letting up on the mystery. Well done my friend.
One little suggestion...
"A man who makes his life's work gathering souls is no(not) one to be taken lightly,"
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2015
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G'day Rhonda, beautiful work mate. I love the light hearted wit in the dialogue. This story is moving along nicely without letting up on the mystery. Well done my friend.
One little suggestion...
"A man who makes his life's work gathering souls is no(not) one to be taken lightly,"
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 17-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2015
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Glad you caught the mistake. It's really hard on long passages to do so. That's why I'm putting it on here before I put it "out there" in a contest. Thanks,
Rhonda
Comment from chasennov
Cadence and C-Daddy prepare to go look for Sarah. A chapter in the book Destiny's Angel. Butterflies.' This is a good chapter you have created here. I only hope Cadence will be alright. I particularly liked; 'The calm secure world she had grown to understand and predict had come unglued.' Well done.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2015
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Cadence and C-Daddy prepare to go look for Sarah. A chapter in the book Destiny's Angel. Butterflies.' This is a good chapter you have created here. I only hope Cadence will be alright. I particularly liked; 'The calm secure world she had grown to understand and predict had come unglued.' Well done.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, and no, she won't be okay for awhile, but it all works out in the end. This isn't Game of Thrones, and I don't kill off my characters, or at least none that you like. They will take a beating on occasion, though! Thanks again,
Rhonda
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You are most welcome, Rhonda. It amazes me how writers can be all powerful and do just that, kill off characters. Lovely, isn't it?
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I know, I find it wrong, especially in young adult stories like Harry Potter.
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It never ceases to amaze me. C.
Comment from MelB
Good chapter Rhonda. When I first read the name C-Daddy, I thought of a rapper too. Good dialog between the two characters. The dialog back and forth about the names was funny.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Good chapter Rhonda. When I first read the name C-Daddy, I thought of a rapper too. Good dialog between the two characters. The dialog back and forth about the names was funny.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much! The whole name thing will resolve later, and you'll see why he is called that. Thanks for your comments and for reading the story!
Rhonda
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Looking forward to finding out more. This C-Daddy is so mysterious.
Comment from Chrissy710
You have me hooked now can't wait for the next instalment . Easy to read dialogue not to heavy and over the top. Where to next god writing keeping my interest Cheers Christine
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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You have me hooked now can't wait for the next instalment . Easy to read dialogue not to heavy and over the top. Where to next god writing keeping my interest Cheers Christine
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much, Christine. I am so excited that you are reading my story. I'm off for the summer, because I'm a teacher, so I will have more time to write...hopefully anyway.
Rhonda
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Enjoy the holidays, and the sun, it is winter here and I am not a fan of winter send some sun over here lol look forward to next chapter Cheers Christine
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Actually, it's been raining for two days, so maybe I already sent it to you. I hate winter, too!
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I hearing you ha ha
Comment from amahra
I love your story. Love where its taking me. Good installment. Just need to perfect your tag lines. Great job.
Cadence asked, hoping to [catch] her new partner off guard. [just my opinion.]
"Not technically speaking," he replied, "although, etc..." [Don't need "he replied," ...she said is right before him and there's only two talking.
Expert state that tags should be invisible to the reader--and to stick to the basic four: said, asked, shouted/yelled or whispered. Also when only two people are talking, tags are not needed unless a very long conversation and then placed the tags only so the reader doesn't get confused.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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I love your story. Love where its taking me. Good installment. Just need to perfect your tag lines. Great job.
Cadence asked, hoping to [catch] her new partner off guard. [just my opinion.]
"Not technically speaking," he replied, "although, etc..." [Don't need "he replied," ...she said is right before him and there's only two talking.
Expert state that tags should be invisible to the reader--and to stick to the basic four: said, asked, shouted/yelled or whispered. Also when only two people are talking, tags are not needed unless a very long conversation and then placed the tags only so the reader doesn't get confused.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Thank you for sticking with me on the tags. I think I've come a long way from where I started, but I see where it will be improved when I can just let them go. Thanks, I will work on it tomorrow.
Rhonda
Comment from boxergirl
Great job with your dialogue, Rhonda. Realistic and humorous banter when Candace is trying to find out C-Daddy's real name. 8-)
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Great job with your dialogue, Rhonda. Realistic and humorous banter when Candace is trying to find out C-Daddy's real name. 8-)
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much! I appreciate the comments and your support. I am working on using dialogue rather than just explaining everything. Feedback really does help!
Rhonda
Comment from Serendipity!
Gorgeous picture.
bigger game than that.(Can you be more specific?)
This really draws out the suspense...
I wonder if we all don't have names that we may not even know but possibly should find out, and if they are good strive to live up to them.
This is well written, easy to read and descriptive, but not slowed down by unnecessary adjectives.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Gorgeous picture.
bigger game than that.(Can you be more specific?)
This really draws out the suspense...
I wonder if we all don't have names that we may not even know but possibly should find out, and if they are good strive to live up to them.
This is well written, easy to read and descriptive, but not slowed down by unnecessary adjectives.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much for the kind review. The bigger game is to be revealed pretty soon. He knows, she doesn't yet. There are some experiences Cadance has to go through first.
I have worked hard on cutting down the adjectives and other non necessity words as guided by my reviewers. Writing flash fiction has helped, too.
The name issue is a sort of side theme, but, like you said, something I feel is important.
Thanks for the feedback.
Rhonda
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Your welcome!
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Your welcome!
Comment from Mike Stevens
Another fine chapter, Rhonda, I must admit to not being very memory-retentive, if that phrase makes sense, But I also, much like C-Daddy, use a fake name--you know me as Mike, but my real name is 'Altruna Jim'--don't have any idea where that one came from, or what the hell it means!
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Another fine chapter, Rhonda, I must admit to not being very memory-retentive, if that phrase makes sense, But I also, much like C-Daddy, use a fake name--you know me as Mike, but my real name is 'Altruna Jim'--don't have any idea where that one came from, or what the hell it means!
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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It's funny, but I've talked to several people with name issues. I don't know why I struck on this sub theme, but I did, and it will play all the way through to the end. I kind of like your real name, but I will always think of you as Mike! BTW, my issue has been last names.
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Well, my actual last name is 'Warzingdoppler', so you can see, in the interest of simplicity, I settled on Stevens!
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That's okay, my last name is Marusak, so Davis is easier. I actually go by Rhonda L. Davis. Hurray for pen names!
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No, it' really Stevens, I promise, although 'Warzingdoppler' has a ring to it, don't you think? I was just being a smart ass, and trying to think of the funniest-sounding name in the history of funny-sounding names, but I came up way short!
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And I am extremely naive, so lots of fun to fool. Oh, well, mine really is Marusak, though. And I'm guessing the first name is made up, too? Or will M-Daddy do?
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No, I like just plain Mike, I'm nobody's daddy, at least that I know of, although there WAS that one time at a party, so...no, you're not naive, I just failed miserably with my attempt at humor. How were you to know I was kidding--I think that everyone should just be automatically to tell when I'm kidding!
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Don't worry, I think it was a lovely joke, and very clever.
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I'm glad you think so!
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hi davis,
This is my first encounter with your very intriguing novel.
The dialogue is good. My curiosity was greatly piqued.
Well done!
Sonali
I guess(.) (W)here are we
"and I know his brother, Henry's(no comma required here) real name, too. I plan
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Hi davis,
This is my first encounter with your very intriguing novel.
The dialogue is good. My curiosity was greatly piqued.
Well done!
Sonali
I guess(.) (W)here are we
"and I know his brother, Henry's(no comma required here) real name, too. I plan
Comment Written 16-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Sonali, for joining in. Thanks, also, for helping watch for SPAG. All much appreciated!
Rhonda
