Dark Covenant
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Dead Man's Creek Part2"The Berwick Witches Series: Book One
30 total reviews
Comment from Selina Stambi
Better late than never, Harriett! (I'm so behind in my reviewing.)
This story continues to compel. A riveting read. You had me holding my breath at times.
xxx
Sonali
," Dex said(.) "(T)hat's why you're taking
breth(re)n go down on all fours
right! No need for that," (Charlton) said. He crawled (If you use 'he' here, it would refer to River.)
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015
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Better late than never, Harriett! (I'm so behind in my reviewing.)
This story continues to compel. A riveting read. You had me holding my breath at times.
xxx
Sonali
," Dex said(.) "(T)hat's why you're taking
breth(re)n go down on all fours
right! No need for that," (Charlton) said. He crawled (If you use 'he' here, it would refer to River.)
Comment Written 18-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015
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It's about time...LOL! I'm kidding. I missed you. Glad you liked it. I'll make the corrections. The last one, though, I'll have to ponder. I believe I have 'He' on the same line. If it were River, I would have started a new paragraph. But, I'll take a look. Glad you're back. Always a pleasure getting your reviews.
Comment from Lt. Fritzzenhoffen
Amahra, nice job on a great chapter with good scenes and action. Your dialog is good too; from what I've read in other stories it's hard to get characters to sound their age, but you do a nice job of it. I hope the following suggestions are helpful.
"said Matthew, raising his arms out to the side."
Hard to really tell what is going on in this sentence. Maybe, if Matthew isn't shrugging, then his arms should stretch out? The wording didn't paint a clear picture.
"...stepped into view and stood ten feet in front of him."
Stepping into view is enough. There is no real significance to the addition of the 10 feet, and it is a tad distracting.
"...with it?" It's just blood."
Extra " mark here, right in the middle of your dialog.
"Don't you like your heart where it is?"
This is in italics, which are usually reserved for thoughts and emphasized language. When applied as emphasis here, it made the sentence step out of tone with the rest of the dialog.
"... got guts. I give you that."
"I give you" sounds weird. Should be "I'll give you..."
"...paws, big as saucers..."
Eyes are most commonly referred to as being as big as saucers, so this one threw me. Also, the saucers I use aren't even as big as my own hand, so the effect of big paws, I assume you intended, was lost.
"Or I'll have them to rip your face off."
Eliminate "to," of course.
"He, Dex, Matthew and Rick strolled off into..."
The scene we just finished here was very dark. Characters don't "stroll" when they're dangerous. Strolling makes them sound like nerdy teenagers, and we (probably) don't want that.
"'Haaaaah!' the other wolves laughed."
Showing the reader how they laughed (Haaaaah!) takes something away from the readers imagination. That noise is the noise my mom made when she came across something funny in the news. Just tell us that they laughed, and we will conjure a chilling chortle on our own.
"...smacked the hood with a wet kiss..."
This action didn't really ring true. The kid just crapped his drawers. That is super-scared. He needs to jump in the car and crank the engine, jerking his head around and cussing up a storm. That's the reaction I would expect.
Well that's all I have. Again, I hope it helps! :)
Take care.
-Virgil
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Amahra, nice job on a great chapter with good scenes and action. Your dialog is good too; from what I've read in other stories it's hard to get characters to sound their age, but you do a nice job of it. I hope the following suggestions are helpful.
"said Matthew, raising his arms out to the side."
Hard to really tell what is going on in this sentence. Maybe, if Matthew isn't shrugging, then his arms should stretch out? The wording didn't paint a clear picture.
"...stepped into view and stood ten feet in front of him."
Stepping into view is enough. There is no real significance to the addition of the 10 feet, and it is a tad distracting.
"...with it?" It's just blood."
Extra " mark here, right in the middle of your dialog.
"Don't you like your heart where it is?"
This is in italics, which are usually reserved for thoughts and emphasized language. When applied as emphasis here, it made the sentence step out of tone with the rest of the dialog.
"... got guts. I give you that."
"I give you" sounds weird. Should be "I'll give you..."
"...paws, big as saucers..."
Eyes are most commonly referred to as being as big as saucers, so this one threw me. Also, the saucers I use aren't even as big as my own hand, so the effect of big paws, I assume you intended, was lost.
"Or I'll have them to rip your face off."
Eliminate "to," of course.
"He, Dex, Matthew and Rick strolled off into..."
The scene we just finished here was very dark. Characters don't "stroll" when they're dangerous. Strolling makes them sound like nerdy teenagers, and we (probably) don't want that.
"'Haaaaah!' the other wolves laughed."
Showing the reader how they laughed (Haaaaah!) takes something away from the readers imagination. That noise is the noise my mom made when she came across something funny in the news. Just tell us that they laughed, and we will conjure a chilling chortle on our own.
"...smacked the hood with a wet kiss..."
This action didn't really ring true. The kid just crapped his drawers. That is super-scared. He needs to jump in the car and crank the engine, jerking his head around and cussing up a storm. That's the reaction I would expect.
Well that's all I have. Again, I hope it helps! :)
Take care.
-Virgil
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Thank you for reviewing my book.
Comment from Antoine Charlemaine
Riveting chapter. I was wondering if poor Charlie was going to make it. Still wondering at your cryptic ending. Not real sure what's happening there, but I guess Charlie's not quite out of the woods just yet...
I'm also hoping Charlie (since he smelled a rat) was smart enough not to bring the real vial of blood with him...
Thanks, Amahra.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Riveting chapter. I was wondering if poor Charlie was going to make it. Still wondering at your cryptic ending. Not real sure what's happening there, but I guess Charlie's not quite out of the woods just yet...
I'm also hoping Charlie (since he smelled a rat) was smart enough not to bring the real vial of blood with him...
Thanks, Amahra.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much. I see the end of the chapter seems a bit confusing to you. I'll go back later on and do some rewriting so it will be clear. Really appreciate your continued support of my new book.
Comment from AprilShower
This held my attention. It made the reader feel as if she was watching and smelling it. I was a bit frighten for Charlton. Even though supernatural fiction of this type is not my favorite. It was written well, amahra.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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This held my attention. It made the reader feel as if she was watching and smelling it. I was a bit frighten for Charlton. Even though supernatural fiction of this type is not my favorite. It was written well, amahra.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Thank you AprilShower. Really appreciate the review.
Comment from barkingdog
Not to break his promise to Jewel, River let Chalton go. He knows everything, now. I wonder what he'll do with the information.
This was a chilling, yet amusing chapter. They toyed with him. I guess all dogs like their games.
It read like a dream--smoothly and very visual. When they changed into werewolves, it was like watching a movie.
I didn't see anything to change.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Not to break his promise to Jewel, River let Chalton go. He knows everything, now. I wonder what he'll do with the information.
This was a chilling, yet amusing chapter. They toyed with him. I guess all dogs like their games.
It read like a dream--smoothly and very visual. When they changed into werewolves, it was like watching a movie.
I didn't see anything to change.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much for your continued support of my new book. I just finished reading you second post. It was really nice.
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This should sell to the young adult readers and old die-hard sci-fi fans like me. Best of luck, publishing.
:) e
Comment from Ulla
Very well written and I do enjoy the story line. I didn't come across any faults. I have never been into the supernatural but I do follow this one with interest. Looking forward to read on. Ulla
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Very well written and I do enjoy the story line. I didn't come across any faults. I have never been into the supernatural but I do follow this one with interest. Looking forward to read on. Ulla
Comment Written 10-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Ulla for your continued support of my new book.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Nice chapter and your writing was excellent. The action certainly kept me reading to the last word. Since the wolves revealed themselves I'm wondering what will happen next. Great job. Shirley
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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Nice chapter and your writing was excellent. The action certainly kept me reading to the last word. Since the wolves revealed themselves I'm wondering what will happen next. Great job. Shirley
Comment Written 10-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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thank you Okiegal930. River promised Jewel, his wife, that he wouldn't hurt him, so shape shifting was meant to scare him.
Comment from Curly Girly
This is not my genre of choice, but it was well written, no spags spotted.
Frightened by wolves, the poor guy thought the worst was to happen. Very creepy and disturbing to read. There are plenty of readers on FS who will beg for more.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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This is not my genre of choice, but it was well written, no spags spotted.
Frightened by wolves, the poor guy thought the worst was to happen. Very creepy and disturbing to read. There are plenty of readers on FS who will beg for more.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2015
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thank you very much.
Comment from Look4depth
I offer you my suggestions to improve your writing. Please do not take offense! I wouldn't do so if your story seemed hopeless. I'm no expert, so take what you'd like and apply it to your craft, and forget the rest. :-)
Instead of stating the voice called from the distance, you may try describing the sound so the reader can hear that and experience what you imagine it sounds like.
Then, when Matthew cups his mouth, you might describe how his voice echoes like a megaphone instead of just saying that's what it is like.
Instead of 'a string of the other five', describe the scenery, explain how the other five walk, let the reader know they are following by their stance, or expression, or whatever you have in your minds eye.
You nailed it with 'just give us the tube'. This is an example of saying a lot with few words. That is what the power of dialogue offers.
Squinting his eyes is sufficient, no need to mention 'to see', that is why he squints his eyes. So spend your words wisely, creating scenery which fills all your readers senses, but don't say too much because the imagination need only be sparked by one's personal experience.
You nailed it again with 'His pulse pounded in the veins of his neck, his lips quivered.' This is a great line which paints a picture in your readers mind.
I hope my words are helpful! I'm somewhat of a hypocrite, because I do not dare dance to the song of fiction!
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2015
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I offer you my suggestions to improve your writing. Please do not take offense! I wouldn't do so if your story seemed hopeless. I'm no expert, so take what you'd like and apply it to your craft, and forget the rest. :-)
Instead of stating the voice called from the distance, you may try describing the sound so the reader can hear that and experience what you imagine it sounds like.
Then, when Matthew cups his mouth, you might describe how his voice echoes like a megaphone instead of just saying that's what it is like.
Instead of 'a string of the other five', describe the scenery, explain how the other five walk, let the reader know they are following by their stance, or expression, or whatever you have in your minds eye.
You nailed it with 'just give us the tube'. This is an example of saying a lot with few words. That is what the power of dialogue offers.
Squinting his eyes is sufficient, no need to mention 'to see', that is why he squints his eyes. So spend your words wisely, creating scenery which fills all your readers senses, but don't say too much because the imagination need only be sparked by one's personal experience.
You nailed it again with 'His pulse pounded in the veins of his neck, his lips quivered.' This is a great line which paints a picture in your readers mind.
I hope my words are helpful! I'm somewhat of a hypocrite, because I do not dare dance to the song of fiction!
Comment Written 09-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much for reading and for your suggestions. I appreciate them.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Harriett. This is another fine chapter. The plot moves along nicely and the images are spot on, like: "Charlton whipped his head to the right. Nothing but the dark stood before him. His pulse pounded in the veins of his neck. His lips quivered."
And: "Aroused by what was about to happen, his chest rapidly rose and fell as he watched his six brethern go down on all fours--their eyes turned a deep yellow. Their skin darkened as fur grew out and covered their razor-bump skins. Bones cracked like trampled tree branches and faces elongated. Six inch fangs and claws sprang into place like fruit rapidly growing on a vine."
Just curious: What is an igor? "More hushed laughter like an Igor tickled that he ate a spider."
Suggestion: "One of the wolves, his black fur streaked with silver, slowly pranced over. (Harriett, I think just "pranced covers it here...you don't need the modifying adverb "slowly."
Great job. Bob
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2015
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Hi, Harriett. This is another fine chapter. The plot moves along nicely and the images are spot on, like: "Charlton whipped his head to the right. Nothing but the dark stood before him. His pulse pounded in the veins of his neck. His lips quivered."
And: "Aroused by what was about to happen, his chest rapidly rose and fell as he watched his six brethern go down on all fours--their eyes turned a deep yellow. Their skin darkened as fur grew out and covered their razor-bump skins. Bones cracked like trampled tree branches and faces elongated. Six inch fangs and claws sprang into place like fruit rapidly growing on a vine."
Just curious: What is an igor? "More hushed laughter like an Igor tickled that he ate a spider."
Suggestion: "One of the wolves, his black fur streaked with silver, slowly pranced over. (Harriett, I think just "pranced covers it here...you don't need the modifying adverb "slowly."
Great job. Bob
Comment Written 09-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2015
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Hey, Bob. Thanks a lot for this fine review and for the corrections. I greatly appreciate you supporting my book.
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:) Bob
