Ordinary Couples
tell me your story10 total reviews
Comment from Linda Engel
I'm in, in my sixties, married for fifteen years, not married for
in love" , love of best friend. Not what I wanted in a marriage. Not what
I expected.
Felt at times God was laughing as he said "I give you what you need , not what you want."
reply by the author on 30-May-2015
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I'm in, in my sixties, married for fifteen years, not married for
in love" , love of best friend. Not what I wanted in a marriage. Not what
I expected.
Felt at times God was laughing as he said "I give you what you need , not what you want."
Comment Written 30-May-2015
reply by the author on 30-May-2015
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Great answer, super comment. Thanks.
Comment from Dom G Robles
Ingrid, this may not fit in what you were looking for, but I am here to give you a feed back, something that you may know or may not be aware about the customs and tradition of people in a foreign country, especially so a in a diverse community such as a country that still clings to old customs and traditions, though it is now catching up with the modern times.
First, I would like to let you know that in the Philippines, especially in the remote barrios. There is that custom of friendly families to match their sons and daughters (or son and daughter) for marriage for reasons of their own--to preserve friendly ties. And there are two results.
(1) It is either a failure or success.
First the failure. In many cases, it becomes a failure. It is a failure in the sense that there is rarely no bonding between the two individuals. They are forced by the will of their parents. It is some sort of contractual arrangement in the barrio and at an early age like 13 or even 14, they are married through a religious leader in the barrio, or a municipal judge, for that matter. They either get separated after two or three years with one child or two, but the love is not there. The parents have a hard time patching. And this involves patching by third parties, like the Barrio Lieutenant, or some elders in the community.
It becomes a success if the two kids, as they grow really have bonding and care for each other like going both to school or playing together after school, etc. The love is developed.
The above is one face of a relationship of love with the two kids from early age to maturity. The families want to be close until the very end and trying to involve their children.
However, in some modern practice in the cities, the individuals fall in love according to their own real feelings--affinities--their observation...and the love that will grow as the years go by.
Incidentally, in my case, I fell in love with my wife because of a common bonding It was developed from childhood through the years that it became intense that seemed I could not get along without her. To be truthful, it was the opposite of the above that arranging families did, because both of our parents did not approve of our marriage, because, the truth is, we are distant relatives (3rd cousins) which to them are not acceptable. So it took many years before they finally approved. We did it late, in our late 30's. We went to church and studied in the same universities. She sought guidance from a pastor who said, there was nothing wrong. He cited even Presidents of closer relationship, this made all the deference. So you will understand how bitter I was when she passed away. You were aware of my story but only part of it, hence you were sympathetic of how I was. It was just like a part of me from early childhood was taken out of my system.
But I am telling you this just for you to have some kind of ideas that you may incorporate while studying some of the other people who may want to tell you of their love life. Thank you Ingrid and hope you learn something from my love past. I'd like to stay away for awhile but when I read your posting, I could not help but tell you of my past. I have given you last note for me to one of my nieces so that when my time comes, I would be happy that someone, somewhere is expressing the views of a friend from country nearby. Dom
reply by the author on 29-May-2015
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Ingrid, this may not fit in what you were looking for, but I am here to give you a feed back, something that you may know or may not be aware about the customs and tradition of people in a foreign country, especially so a in a diverse community such as a country that still clings to old customs and traditions, though it is now catching up with the modern times.
First, I would like to let you know that in the Philippines, especially in the remote barrios. There is that custom of friendly families to match their sons and daughters (or son and daughter) for marriage for reasons of their own--to preserve friendly ties. And there are two results.
(1) It is either a failure or success.
First the failure. In many cases, it becomes a failure. It is a failure in the sense that there is rarely no bonding between the two individuals. They are forced by the will of their parents. It is some sort of contractual arrangement in the barrio and at an early age like 13 or even 14, they are married through a religious leader in the barrio, or a municipal judge, for that matter. They either get separated after two or three years with one child or two, but the love is not there. The parents have a hard time patching. And this involves patching by third parties, like the Barrio Lieutenant, or some elders in the community.
It becomes a success if the two kids, as they grow really have bonding and care for each other like going both to school or playing together after school, etc. The love is developed.
The above is one face of a relationship of love with the two kids from early age to maturity. The families want to be close until the very end and trying to involve their children.
However, in some modern practice in the cities, the individuals fall in love according to their own real feelings--affinities--their observation...and the love that will grow as the years go by.
Incidentally, in my case, I fell in love with my wife because of a common bonding It was developed from childhood through the years that it became intense that seemed I could not get along without her. To be truthful, it was the opposite of the above that arranging families did, because both of our parents did not approve of our marriage, because, the truth is, we are distant relatives (3rd cousins) which to them are not acceptable. So it took many years before they finally approved. We did it late, in our late 30's. We went to church and studied in the same universities. She sought guidance from a pastor who said, there was nothing wrong. He cited even Presidents of closer relationship, this made all the deference. So you will understand how bitter I was when she passed away. You were aware of my story but only part of it, hence you were sympathetic of how I was. It was just like a part of me from early childhood was taken out of my system.
But I am telling you this just for you to have some kind of ideas that you may incorporate while studying some of the other people who may want to tell you of their love life. Thank you Ingrid and hope you learn something from my love past. I'd like to stay away for awhile but when I read your posting, I could not help but tell you of my past. I have given you last note for me to one of my nieces so that when my time comes, I would be happy that someone, somewhere is expressing the views of a friend from country nearby. Dom
Comment Written 28-May-2015
reply by the author on 29-May-2015
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Thank you, Dom. I'm gathering information and will likely need to ask you some questions, but I am very grateful for the time and information you shared with me. ingrid
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I'lle happy to answer your questions. Dom
Comment from Jennpenn
I will participate, but I'd be in your control group. I fell madly in love with my husband at age 18, waited 7 years to get married, just to be sure our union was "for real," and have been married for 26 years. There have been bumps--even a pot hole or two--in our road, but I am so very happy, and feel blessed to have his life intertwined with my own.
I know there are many reasons for this. I've thought a lot about the reasons for our small (and many) failures, and our ultimate success as a couple. It has EVERYTHING to do with focusing on each other more than on ourselves. Every time we reach major discord, someone is looking out for their own interest at the expense of the other. Easy to do, for sure. Harder to admit.
reply by the author on 28-May-2015
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I will participate, but I'd be in your control group. I fell madly in love with my husband at age 18, waited 7 years to get married, just to be sure our union was "for real," and have been married for 26 years. There have been bumps--even a pot hole or two--in our road, but I am so very happy, and feel blessed to have his life intertwined with my own.
I know there are many reasons for this. I've thought a lot about the reasons for our small (and many) failures, and our ultimate success as a couple. It has EVERYTHING to do with focusing on each other more than on ourselves. Every time we reach major discord, someone is looking out for their own interest at the expense of the other. Easy to do, for sure. Harder to admit.
Comment Written 28-May-2015
reply by the author on 28-May-2015
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You are definitely my team leader in the 'control group.' I'll get beck to you. ingrid
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:)
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:)
Comment from jpduck
This is a fascinating concept, and if you have a good and varied response,could produce a riveting book.
I'm not sure that my experience qualifies. My first marriage was not based on love (on my side, anyway) so far as I can judge -- more on a sad feeling of desperation to do what was required, to catch up, to be a 'normal human being'. It certainly did not lead to happiness for either partner, and ended after nine years.
If you feel that this might be worth considering, I would be truly happy to contribute. It would be a painful and demeaning process, but also a triumph in the constant process of endeavouring to find true honesty in myself.
I fully understand that this may well be outside the envelope you envisage for the project.
I wish you great success with it.
Adrian
reply by the author on 28-May-2015
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This is a fascinating concept, and if you have a good and varied response,could produce a riveting book.
I'm not sure that my experience qualifies. My first marriage was not based on love (on my side, anyway) so far as I can judge -- more on a sad feeling of desperation to do what was required, to catch up, to be a 'normal human being'. It certainly did not lead to happiness for either partner, and ended after nine years.
If you feel that this might be worth considering, I would be truly happy to contribute. It would be a painful and demeaning process, but also a triumph in the constant process of endeavouring to find true honesty in myself.
I fully understand that this may well be outside the envelope you envisage for the project.
I wish you great success with it.
Adrian
Comment Written 28-May-2015
reply by the author on 28-May-2015
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I want real love stories, true regret and honest relationship autopsies, My intent is to prove that even love can be a decision, but the spacThank you.e between prologue and epilogue belongs to real people. Let me get back to you.
Comment from Curly Girly
Wow, this sounds like a mammoth study you are undertaking. I wonder how many people from FS will respond as willing participants? Not me!
I believe a man's earning ability plays an important role, or the ability to stay employed / working. These days, that is becoming an important factor for women too. Few of us can afford to stay at home forever.
reply by the author on 28-May-2015
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Wow, this sounds like a mammoth study you are undertaking. I wonder how many people from FS will respond as willing participants? Not me!
I believe a man's earning ability plays an important role, or the ability to stay employed / working. These days, that is becoming an important factor for women too. Few of us can afford to stay at home forever.
Comment Written 28-May-2015
reply by the author on 28-May-2015
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Too bad. My story is not a study, nor a scientific experiment, but it is a slice, a piece of the puzzle. Thanks.
Comment from sgalletti
Sounds interesting. I'm on and off the site, but, depending on the time it will take, would be very interested in participating. I've got a somewhat unique situation as my husband and I got married late in life - I was 61 and he was 73. We met on a blind date arranged by my father, and, fell in love. We'd both been happily single for 15 years each and had no intention of getting married. My father knew better. Sue
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Sounds interesting. I'm on and off the site, but, depending on the time it will take, would be very interested in participating. I've got a somewhat unique situation as my husband and I got married late in life - I was 61 and he was 73. We met on a blind date arranged by my father, and, fell in love. We'd both been happily single for 15 years each and had no intention of getting married. My father knew better. Sue
Comment Written 27-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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It will only take as long as you choose to invest, but I'd LOVE to know your story. The premise of my book/thoughts are that we CAN choose to love. If we accept that an open heart with realistic expectations can lead to a devoted and satisfying life, then we can make other healthy decisions. I'll send you my questions and you decide how much you want to answer and give, but this project is both investigative and revealing hope for those forlorn maidens waiting for Cupid. Yes?
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I'm in. Sounds fascinating. Sue
Comment from Jay Squires
tell me your staory [Oops!]
Correct me if I'm wrong, but this writing project doesn't appear to be a study, the results of which you will report here.
"I will include the 'in love' stories, even the successful ones, to contrast the premise of this book" [The romantic illustrations will be used as contrast, then.]
I don't know, Ingrid; I'd much rather read the results of a study upon which the premise hasn't already been established.
I'm curious how your post will read if the provided contrast overwhelms the foreground.
That said, please don't take this as criticism of the project, only curiosity over its outcome.
I still love ya, Ingrid. That's not romance. Just the fact you have a very shapely mind.
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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tell me your staory [Oops!]
Correct me if I'm wrong, but this writing project doesn't appear to be a study, the results of which you will report here.
"I will include the 'in love' stories, even the successful ones, to contrast the premise of this book" [The romantic illustrations will be used as contrast, then.]
I don't know, Ingrid; I'd much rather read the results of a study upon which the premise hasn't already been established.
I'm curious how your post will read if the provided contrast overwhelms the foreground.
That said, please don't take this as criticism of the project, only curiosity over its outcome.
I still love ya, Ingrid. That's not romance. Just the fact you have a very shapely mind.
Comment Written 27-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Well, I'm totally awed that my shapeliness still attracts...well anyone. It isn't an unbiased project. As a matter of fact, and it is definitely skewed towards the argument that we can learn to love. After years of living in Toronto, where multi-cultism usually indicates t white folks are the minority, listening to cab drivers who were doctors--educated men in their own countries--argue that their daughters will marry the man of Dad's choice, I'm in the mood to write about respect, honour and duty. If it doesn't turn out that way, I'll put the file on hold. Love...Ingrid...and oh yes, that's definitely personal,
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You're sweet!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This seems like a very intriguing project you are embarking upon. I wonder how many will admit to marrying for convenience over love.
I know I got married for love and we have been together for about 13 years and married for almost 9. We have been through a lot, living with depression, and a sick child too. And I won't even get started on me!
I wish you all the best with this.
GMG
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Hi there,
This seems like a very intriguing project you are embarking upon. I wonder how many will admit to marrying for convenience over love.
I know I got married for love and we have been together for about 13 years and married for almost 9. We have been through a lot, living with depression, and a sick child too. And I won't even get started on me!
I wish you all the best with this.
GMG
Comment Written 27-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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would you be willing to answer a questionnaire honestly?
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Yes. No problem,
Comment from Sasha
I married a man I never loved but had great respect for. I married him to get away from the chaos in my life. He was a quiet, gentle man the never raised his voice. We both knew our marriage was not going to last but somehow managed to make it to nearly 15 years before finally admitting it was time to move on. Not sure if this is what you are looking for but let me know if I qualify.
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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I married a man I never loved but had great respect for. I married him to get away from the chaos in my life. He was a quiet, gentle man the never raised his voice. We both knew our marriage was not going to last but somehow managed to make it to nearly 15 years before finally admitting it was time to move on. Not sure if this is what you are looking for but let me know if I qualify.
Comment Written 27-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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I'll get back to you. I really want to know.
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
I wish I could help you but I can't. I use to work in a restaurant and the owner this place was from "the old country". I'm still not very sure what country that was but he had four kids and after they graduated from high school he would take them to the "old country" and they had arranged marriages. They would all come back and their new spouse would help at the restaurant. I think most of them have been married for ten years or more and have had children. A couple of them went to Missouri or Mississippi to start their own restaurant and they are all working together. I don't know how happy their marriages are but they make them work. I'm just glad I didn't have one, although, for some it works out perfectly. Great job and good luck in this project
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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I wish I could help you but I can't. I use to work in a restaurant and the owner this place was from "the old country". I'm still not very sure what country that was but he had four kids and after they graduated from high school he would take them to the "old country" and they had arranged marriages. They would all come back and their new spouse would help at the restaurant. I think most of them have been married for ten years or more and have had children. A couple of them went to Missouri or Mississippi to start their own restaurant and they are all working together. I don't know how happy their marriages are but they make them work. I'm just glad I didn't have one, although, for some it works out perfectly. Great job and good luck in this project
Comment Written 27-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Lucky you. Thanks.
