Let's Talk Dirty!
Viewing comments for Chapter 79 "Things Don't go to Plan"The story about three women who need to make money
19 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
Karen's time spent working for the chat line came into good use. 'Hello, Darling...' she purred into the phone as she watched Mark wipe the dribbling wine from his face as best he could with his napkin. 'Can I take you up on your offer? I'd much rather spend the night at your place... (((The old fart I'm having dinner with is beginning to get on my nerves.')))
'Sorry,' she told him with a contemptuous toss of her head. ((('I've got a date with someone a lot more exciting than you!')))
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Something about these two bits doesn't sit well with me. I think she's giving away too much by using those particular words 'the old fart' and 'I've got a date with someone a lot more exciting than you!' I'd like to see her keep her cool on the surface, no matter how furious she is underneath......
Something like.... instead of 'the old fart' a detached expression like 'The acquaintance I'm having dinner with...'
And I'd scratch the whole I've got a date..... Maybe something like, 'Sorry, I forgot I've got a previous engagement.' and THEN throw the 20 pound note down, saying dismissively.... 'You might want to get your clothes cleaned' as she walks out, cool as a cucumber.
Just suggestions. Take what you like and leave the rest. :-)
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2015
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Karen's time spent working for the chat line came into good use. 'Hello, Darling...' she purred into the phone as she watched Mark wipe the dribbling wine from his face as best he could with his napkin. 'Can I take you up on your offer? I'd much rather spend the night at your place... (((The old fart I'm having dinner with is beginning to get on my nerves.')))
'Sorry,' she told him with a contemptuous toss of her head. ((('I've got a date with someone a lot more exciting than you!')))
___________________________________________________________________________
Something about these two bits doesn't sit well with me. I think she's giving away too much by using those particular words 'the old fart' and 'I've got a date with someone a lot more exciting than you!' I'd like to see her keep her cool on the surface, no matter how furious she is underneath......
Something like.... instead of 'the old fart' a detached expression like 'The acquaintance I'm having dinner with...'
And I'd scratch the whole I've got a date..... Maybe something like, 'Sorry, I forgot I've got a previous engagement.' and THEN throw the 20 pound note down, saying dismissively.... 'You might want to get your clothes cleaned' as she walks out, cool as a cucumber.
Just suggestions. Take what you like and leave the rest. :-)
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2015
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And great suggestions they are! I now have karen telling the ficticious lover that she want's to take him up on his offer because she should have realised it would be much more fun. I've also made the twenty pounds a gesture towards the cleaning bill. To be honest, I can't remember why I had her tossing the twenty pound note in the first place, but I think it was her way of showing financial independence by overpaying for the cost of her wine!
Thank you again! Alexis xxx
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Good plot. Easy to follow story line. Plenty of smooth flowing action. Descriptive language well used throughout this story.
reply by the author on 28-May-2015
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Good plot. Easy to follow story line. Plenty of smooth flowing action. Descriptive language well used throughout this story.
Comment Written 26-May-2015
reply by the author on 28-May-2015
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Thank you, Brett. It's great to have you aboard the ongoing dramas at the Bedford. Lots of fun to come! Alexis x
Comment from Walu Feral
Hahahaha! This is still one of my favorite chapters in the entire book, I got a real kick out of it. Don't you like the exclamation mark on the cover? I think it's cool, but that's just me. Well done mate and good luck. Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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Hahahaha! This is still one of my favorite chapters in the entire book, I got a real kick out of it. Don't you like the exclamation mark on the cover? I think it's cool, but that's just me. Well done mate and good luck. Cheers Fez
Comment Written 25-May-2015
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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Thanks, Fez. Yes, I'm going to keep the exclamation mark now my s-in-law has given me my legs back and moved the title. It will now be slapped on my thigh! Alexis xxx
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
This idea about a woman looking bad
because she's out with a younger man
is ridiculous in a way - it happens
enough with older men out with girls
young enough to be their daughter or
grand-daughter - now that looks bad.
as before, I enjoyed this chapter, Alexis.
opportunity -- double p
Margaret
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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This idea about a woman looking bad
because she's out with a younger man
is ridiculous in a way - it happens
enough with older men out with girls
young enough to be their daughter or
grand-daughter - now that looks bad.
as before, I enjoyed this chapter, Alexis.
opportunity -- double p
Margaret
Comment Written 23-May-2015
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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You are so right, Margaret. Why is that? You can always assume the man has loads of money if that's the scenario! Alexis x
Comment from Annette Gulliver
Hi Alexis. I haven't seen any of your work before, so have just popped in. Your chapter is smooth flowing and easy to read, with believable dialogue and good imagery in the restaurant. I see that they have had a separation after Mark's affair, and he is trying to get back in the good books with her, but certainly puts his foot into it, and upsets her. And I don't blame her. Your cover looks good to me, but I haven't seen the other one, so cannot compare. An enjoyable read.
bye for now
Annette
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Hi Alexis. I haven't seen any of your work before, so have just popped in. Your chapter is smooth flowing and easy to read, with believable dialogue and good imagery in the restaurant. I see that they have had a separation after Mark's affair, and he is trying to get back in the good books with her, but certainly puts his foot into it, and upsets her. And I don't blame her. Your cover looks good to me, but I haven't seen the other one, so cannot compare. An enjoyable read.
bye for now
Annette
Comment Written 23-May-2015
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Thank you for dropping by, Annette. Although I've started my new book 'A New Beginning,' this is just a new ending for my last book 'Let's Talk Dirty.' I rushed the first ending and was never happy with it, but now I am. My son-in-law is sending me two new book cover options this week, so I will post them with the last new end chapters when I get them. Meantime it's time to get back to 'A New Beginning' I have a lovely lady there who needs saving!
Alexis x
Comment from jpduck
I still love this every bit as much as I did the first time around! Michelle sounds like a very interesting person; I do hope she is going to feature significantly in 'The Bedford'
Adrian
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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I still love this every bit as much as I did the first time around! Michelle sounds like a very interesting person; I do hope she is going to feature significantly in 'The Bedford'
Adrian
Comment Written 23-May-2015
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Yes, Michelle will be featuring in the Bedford, but thankfully not as her marriage councillor this time! Thanks for bearing with me while I get the last few chapters posted for the new end of 'Lets' talk Dirty.' Two more later this week, but in the meantime, back to the Bedford and Patsy's problems! Alexis x
Comment from Cindy Warren
Karen was a bit mean, but I find it difficult to have much sympathy for Mark. I'm glad you decided not to make it too easy for him to get her back. He deserves to think she has someone better, at least for a while.
reply by the author on 23-May-2015
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Karen was a bit mean, but I find it difficult to have much sympathy for Mark. I'm glad you decided not to make it too easy for him to get her back. He deserves to think she has someone better, at least for a while.
Comment Written 22-May-2015
reply by the author on 23-May-2015
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That's what I thought. When I first wrote this chapter, I was going to get them back together, then I don't know what came over me, but I suddenly wanted Karen's wine in his face! As the next post reminds us, she regretted it almost immediately afterwards though! Alexis x
Comment from royowen
It must have given her a great deal of tempestuous satisfaction coming back at Mark that way, I wonder if she'll feel the same after she cools down! Mark is no diplomat, but I don't think he meant to put his foot in it! Such a shame, even though she was only calling Laura, but where to from Here, great excerpt, nothing stirs up the pot like confrontational angst, well done, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 23-May-2015
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It must have given her a great deal of tempestuous satisfaction coming back at Mark that way, I wonder if she'll feel the same after she cools down! Mark is no diplomat, but I don't think he meant to put his foot in it! Such a shame, even though she was only calling Laura, but where to from Here, great excerpt, nothing stirs up the pot like confrontational angst, well done, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 22-May-2015
reply by the author on 23-May-2015
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You are so right. The next chapter has her regretting every word! Alexis x
Comment from Spitfire
Good point about the cover. May two phones was too much. On the other hand, you have to have someone on the end of the line to talk back. BTY, it "lets" should have an apostrophe: let's talk dirty.
reply by the author on 23-May-2015
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Good point about the cover. May two phones was too much. On the other hand, you have to have someone on the end of the line to talk back. BTY, it "lets" should have an apostrophe: let's talk dirty.
Comment Written 22-May-2015
reply by the author on 23-May-2015
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The apostrophe was the first thing on my list when I spoke to Mark this morning. Bubble phone is now going, as is the exclamation mark, and I get some legs back so the image relates more to the content. I should have the last two attempts by the end of the day. Alexis x
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
That was really cruel on her part. Poor Mark. He wants to try again. It's mean to say he's no fun. This is all a misunderstanding. Sigh....
I don't care for the phone towards the middle... was better by the edge under your name. I would make the author's name larger/longer and the phone smaller, placed where it was earlier. Also, the title needs the apostrophe in LET'S.
reply by the author on 23-May-2015
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That was really cruel on her part. Poor Mark. He wants to try again. It's mean to say he's no fun. This is all a misunderstanding. Sigh....
I don't care for the phone towards the middle... was better by the edge under your name. I would make the author's name larger/longer and the phone smaller, placed where it was earlier. Also, the title needs the apostrophe in LET'S.
Comment Written 22-May-2015
reply by the author on 23-May-2015
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I agree with you on all those points, Phyllis. Now that I've talked through everyone's thoughts here on FS, my son-in-law is sending me the last two attempts later this afternoon. I'll use them to head up my last two short chapters for Let's Talk Dirty' today and tomorrow. Then, hopefully, I can start publishing on Amazon! Alexis x
