The Argentine Tango
Two lover's...29 total reviews
Comment from CeciliaLynne
Your "Haibun" free style writing is brilliantly presented. I love watching the tango performed and enjoyed by others. You have captured the pleasure, action and the emotion of the experience. Your 5,7,5, inclusion is skillfully inserted at the conclusion and adds to the romance and expression of love. For me the expressed commitment at the end, authenticates the love affair and exhibits a genuine, moral value to the relationship. Your addition of "Larusminor's" artwork is an asset. Excellent choice to that only edifices your submission. You have a rare talent to write I encourage you to share as often as you are inspired. I could not find any reason to suggest any change. All the best.
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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Your "Haibun" free style writing is brilliantly presented. I love watching the tango performed and enjoyed by others. You have captured the pleasure, action and the emotion of the experience. Your 5,7,5, inclusion is skillfully inserted at the conclusion and adds to the romance and expression of love. For me the expressed commitment at the end, authenticates the love affair and exhibits a genuine, moral value to the relationship. Your addition of "Larusminor's" artwork is an asset. Excellent choice to that only edifices your submission. You have a rare talent to write I encourage you to share as often as you are inspired. I could not find any reason to suggest any change. All the best.
Comment Written 26-May-2015
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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Wow... I really am inspired by your review. Your words have certainly made my day for me.
Also, the golden sixes are appreciated. John
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Well deserved. You are welcome. All the best. Just keep writing.
Comment from JasmineNikki
I personally found there were too many short sentences. The short and sharp effect, which I think is what was intended, was good at the beginning but then became a little irritating.
An interesting storyline behind a proposal though.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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I personally found there were too many short sentences. The short and sharp effect, which I think is what was intended, was good at the beginning but then became a little irritating.
An interesting storyline behind a proposal though.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-May-2015
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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Maybe you should read what a haibun is all about before you become "irritated" by the short sentence. THATS WHAT ITS ABOUT!
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Hi there,
I apologised if the comment offended you as that was not my intention at all. I was simply giving feedback and did not realise it was a haibun.
Thank you for explaining what it was and best wishes.
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You should have all your info before you tell someone's work irritated you. Forget it. It's all good.
Comment from Jennpenn
You connected the man and woman in this piece much more effectively (in my humble opinion) than in your elevator-trash can encounter. I enjoyed the prose/haiku effect. You were able to say a lot in those short, snappy, sexy two-word sentences. And with the exception of "thighs pulsate," I enjoyed the words you paired up. The "thigh" image was disturbing, like there was something wrong (seizure, possession by the Devil?). Lol.
This line is pure magic:
Sparkling, like fireflies, the two of you flitter about. And the next is great, too:
You spin. You dip. You Argentine kick.
Was this their first meeting? It was unclear. If so, I'm not sure she would have readily agreed to head out with a near-stranger. No matter the attraction, it's a crazy world out there, and girls who agree to such things often end up dead. I'm equally unsure about him asking her to marry him. Sounds like a male fantasy (ha, ha), but that's not really the focus of the writing, is it? It's really all about the connection. I get that, and I enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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You connected the man and woman in this piece much more effectively (in my humble opinion) than in your elevator-trash can encounter. I enjoyed the prose/haiku effect. You were able to say a lot in those short, snappy, sexy two-word sentences. And with the exception of "thighs pulsate," I enjoyed the words you paired up. The "thigh" image was disturbing, like there was something wrong (seizure, possession by the Devil?). Lol.
This line is pure magic:
Sparkling, like fireflies, the two of you flitter about. And the next is great, too:
You spin. You dip. You Argentine kick.
Was this their first meeting? It was unclear. If so, I'm not sure she would have readily agreed to head out with a near-stranger. No matter the attraction, it's a crazy world out there, and girls who agree to such things often end up dead. I'm equally unsure about him asking her to marry him. Sounds like a male fantasy (ha, ha), but that's not really the focus of the writing, is it? It's really all about the connection. I get that, and I enjoyed it.
Comment Written 25-May-2015
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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Thanks you Jenn. I appreciate your comments and questions. Thighs pulsate was supposed to give a sensual affect, like quiver, warming effect... Didn't work?
Thank you again. John
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So sorry, but that particular image didn't work for me...took me away from the moment you were creating rather than drawing me in. But the piece as a whole connected. I'm always interested to read about this type of thing from a male perspective. Men are so much more "visual," you know? I'm sure if I'd taken on this task, it would have been a more internalized engagement. And, honestly, I don't think it would have been as good. This piece required that visual interaction, and stimulation. Nice job.
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So sorry, but that particular image didn't work for me...took me away from the moment you were creating rather than drawing me in. But the piece as a whole connected. I'm always interested to read about this type of thing from a male perspective. Men are so much more "visual," you know? I'm sure if I'd taken on this task, it would have been a more internalized engagement. And, honestly, I don't think it would have been as good. This piece required that visual interaction, and stimulation. Nice job.
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Hey, I really liked this. Kind of a different style for you. I enjoy Haibuns. Something for everybody!
I love the Argentine Tango. Very sexy and dramatic. You did justice to the dance with your clipped writing style. Loved the artwork...and the ending! You are a true romantic, John! Well done.
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Hey, I really liked this. Kind of a different style for you. I enjoy Haibuns. Something for everybody!
I love the Argentine Tango. Very sexy and dramatic. You did justice to the dance with your clipped writing style. Loved the artwork...and the ending! You are a true romantic, John! Well done.
Comment Written 25-May-2015
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Wow... Thank you so much for this fantastic review. Always appreciated. John
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day John, this form is way up there above my writing knowledge or ability but you seem to have mastered it mate. This is very well written and presented and I bow to you, well done, cheers Fez
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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G'day John, this form is way up there above my writing knowledge or ability but you seem to have mastered it mate. This is very well written and presented and I bow to you, well done, cheers Fez
Comment Written 25-May-2015
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Fez... Thank a heap, mate for the great review. John
Comment from meggie13
You chose a perfect picture to mirror your haibun. Your narrative is romantic with excellent word choice. The tango was effectual for romance The imagery was great. I enjoyed the read.
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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You chose a perfect picture to mirror your haibun. Your narrative is romantic with excellent word choice. The tango was effectual for romance The imagery was great. I enjoyed the read.
Comment Written 24-May-2015
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Meggie, great review. Thank you... John
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You are welcome, John. Thanks for liking my review. meg :))
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
Wow, that's some dance. Maybe we need a little more dance class taught in schools and maybe the school shootings would end but then they might need to make sex ed mandatory and give out free condoms. LOL. Hey, it's just an idea. Great job
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Wow, that's some dance. Maybe we need a little more dance class taught in schools and maybe the school shootings would end but then they might need to make sex ed mandatory and give out free condoms. LOL. Hey, it's just an idea. Great job
Comment Written 24-May-2015
reply by the author on 25-May-2015
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Hey there again. I'm a little behind... Thank you. John
Comment from Patti R.
Wo! I never understood the sexiness of driving a standard/manual transmission! I get it now!
John, this is really good.
Almost over punctuated with full stops, but I don't want to be picky.
I didn't know what an Argentine kick is, but I do now. You have infused this with a terrific passion. Do you dance?
It's a beautiful thing to watch, a couple perfectly in sync with each other and with the music.
Also, your photo choice to accompany is spot on!
You know I attempt the haibun form, too. It fascinates me. But like my haiku, I rarely get it right. I think you overall haibun is excellent; the haiku itself is a bit off to me. I can't find the strong satori. Each of the three lines read independently, I think. I'm trying to sort out exactly what it is about the haiku that doesn't work for me - and John, it may just be me.
An enjoyable read.
Patti
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Wo! I never understood the sexiness of driving a standard/manual transmission! I get it now!
John, this is really good.
Almost over punctuated with full stops, but I don't want to be picky.
I didn't know what an Argentine kick is, but I do now. You have infused this with a terrific passion. Do you dance?
It's a beautiful thing to watch, a couple perfectly in sync with each other and with the music.
Also, your photo choice to accompany is spot on!
You know I attempt the haibun form, too. It fascinates me. But like my haiku, I rarely get it right. I think you overall haibun is excellent; the haiku itself is a bit off to me. I can't find the strong satori. Each of the three lines read independently, I think. I'm trying to sort out exactly what it is about the haiku that doesn't work for me - and John, it may just be me.
An enjoyable read.
Patti
Comment Written 24-May-2015
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Wow... Thank you Patti, after all that,
You still awarded my a six. Honestly, I couldn't tell you a satori from a madori. I'm not very good with poetry. Thank you again for everything!
PS- I don't really dance other then "looking like a dork" I think were the words by my kids.
Oh well, next life.
John
Comment from Connie C
I really enjoyed reading this, John. And I think you have done quite well with the haibun, a form that I have shied away from. Your use of description and dialogue both work very well here. Thanks for sharing a most enjoyable piece.
Connie
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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I really enjoyed reading this, John. And I think you have done quite well with the haibun, a form that I have shied away from. Your use of description and dialogue both work very well here. Thanks for sharing a most enjoyable piece.
Connie
Comment Written 24-May-2015
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Thank you Connie. I find these fun to write.
John
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Excellent, I think you just might have mastered this style. I never will! I thought this was very sultry, sensual, romantic and just such a good haibun. Well done, my friend. xsx Sandra
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Excellent, I think you just might have mastered this style. I never will! I thought this was very sultry, sensual, romantic and just such a good haibun. Well done, my friend. xsx Sandra
Comment Written 24-May-2015
reply by the author on 24-May-2015
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Thank you Sandra.
I always appreciate your encouragement.
John
