Comment from gene roush

Excellent

This is a nice little parable.
I hope it leaves an impression with the parents who are more afraid of how something looks than their child's well-being.
It feels like you fell into a pattern "as she would have","as she always", "as she was having"
I found it a little distracting.
I loved playing with tea sets as a child, and my Mom not only had no issue with it, but defended against the teasing of my two older bothers until they came to accept it.
I turned out okay.
Thanks for sharing
Gene

 Comment Written 06-Sep-2016

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reply by the author on 07-Sep-2016

Thank you for the nice review, Gene.

Comment from J Patience

Good

This story has a good moral. Kids should be encouraged to become whoever they are. I'm glad it ended well with Jeremy getting the help he needed. The song "Jeremy spoke in class today" sung by Eddie Vedder comes to mind because his Jeremy was in the same situation - the song is based on truth. It didn't end as well as your Jeremy's story.

Your story was quick to the point, didn't dally on extra stuff, and came-off as something someone might have told during a conversation. It went at a comfortable pace. I didn't notice misspellings or many sentence structure issues. However, here are a few things I did noticed in the writing of this story:

Mother said, Jeremy, "why do you have to play girl's games?" - quotations go around the words that the person says. Mother said "Jeremy" when she spoke, so the quotes should be around his name there.

passive use: "-as she always treats me-" repeatedly using "as" in the sense of "because" becomes tedious to the reader. Also, people very rarely say it that way when they speak.

In the 7th paragraph, you use the word "emotions" five times. saying "how he feels" or some other simile to the word "emotions" could help. In one instance you could have said: "...he was not able to feel any more..." rather than using the word "emotions" again.

keep up the good message-telling.




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 Comment Written 28-May-2015

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reply by the author on 28-May-2015

Thanks for the helpful and good review. I appreciate it.

Comment from TAB_that's me

Excellent

What a compelling story with a great message. I'm glad it was only fictional - but it is true for many. My son played dolls with his sister all the time.

teresa

 Comment Written 28-May-2015

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reply by the author on 28-May-2015

Thanks Teresa for the nice review. My twin and I got dolls for Christmas when we were 3 years old, I never played with my doll, yet my twin brother wore out both dolls from what I am told.

Comment from Jean Lutz

Excellent

Sound advice based on the scriptural reference. This fall we at the church where I worship will become part of a nation wide program called Kids Hope USA. Mentors will spend one hour one week with one child hopefully setting a good example and offering encouragement.

 Comment Written 25-May-2015

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reply by the author on 25-May-2015

Thanks Jean for the nice review. I am hoping to get to an all time best with this one.

Comment from meggie13

Excellent

A good message in your story for parents to heed. Children should not be criticized for playing with toys meant for the opposite sex. They maybe interrupting his /her future career. Right now there are women driving trailers, men as nurses , women ,as pilots and so forth. Let them be ,the parents job it to raise a child who is emotionally, physically and mentally healthy.

 Comment Written 24-May-2015

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reply by the author on 24-May-2015

Thanks meggie for the nice review.

reply by meggie13 on 24-May-2015

You are very talented. You should be in Fan story Art. Blessings!

reply by the author on 24-May-2015

I am a standard member of fanstory art, just can't afford a membership.

reply by meggie13 on 24-May-2015

I do not want you to feel bad about what I going to say. What about if I pay the membership for you. You deserve the honor of others using your art. I think God wants you to do this. meg Blessings!

reply by the author on 24-May-2015

I would feel honored to have you do this, and I might say I would be very humbled.
I am sure you would love to be able to use some of my art as I can put it on the site.
I would feel honored to have others us my art as well.
This is a blessing. Patricia

reply by meggie13 on 24-May-2015

Patricia,thanks for accepting my offer. I have help others here but not with their art. I have to get in touch with Tom, Do you know how? I tried last night but their no way I could do it .Blessings, meg

reply by the author on 24-May-2015

Go to the tab above of info and down to contact us and tell them you want to pay for the fanart review membership for patcelaw that is my membership name.

reply by meggie13 on 24-May-2015

Patricia, I cannot find the info part in my computer which is fairly new. I contacted Tom and he told me how to do it.I went to your portfolio clicked on your name and I was guided to buy member dollars. I do not want to do that I just want to pay for your membership. I am lost I do not know what to do. Help! meg

reply by the author on 24-May-2015

I have contacted fanart review asking how to go about it. When they contact me I will send you the response.

reply by meggie13 on 24-May-2015

Thanks Patricia. meg

Comment from reconciled

Excellent

HI Patricia, I am with you...let God lead their ways...just teach them right from wrong...and love them...your great grandson is a good sport to help you out...very well written story...Love Michael

 Comment Written 23-May-2015

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reply by the author on 23-May-2015

Thanks Michael for the review. I think this is an important topic and one parents need to heed.

Comment from Joan E.

Excellent

Thank you for letting us know you Photo-shopped the image and that it is of your grandson. Your "band-aids" metaphor is quite effective and your lesson is powerful. Cheers- Joan, from sun-soaked Seville

 Comment Written 23-May-2015

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reply by the author on 23-May-2015

Thanks Joan for the lovely review. Have a wonderful trip.

reply by Joan E. on 23-May-2015

Thanks for your good wishes--so far, no rain in Spain! Smiles- Joan

Comment from Brett Matthew West

Excellent

What can you say about this except well done. Many parents need to learn this lesson and let their children be children, because as you wrote, their actions drive their kids to do exactly what Jeremy did. Wake up parents. This happens much more than one may believe it does.

 Comment Written 23-May-2015

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reply by the author on 23-May-2015

Thanks for the review. Parents can say things that will be self-fulfilling prophesies. You see God hears these parents and what they say, and may allow the one thing the parents don't want to happen, become a part of the child. Not as a test to the child, but a test for the parent. My mother always said, if you girls get pregnant before marriage, I will kill or disown you. It happened to me and she tried twice to take my life. Was it a test God allowed to test mom? And did she pass the test?
BTW I became pregnant as a result od a drug induced rape.

Comment from Walu Feral

Excellent

G'day Patricia, this is a very well written story mate. It is not only well written but it has a strong moral message and very wise as well. Kids need to be kids, I'm one of the lucky ones as I'm still alive. I enjoyed this my friend, well done, cheers Fez

 Comment Written 23-May-2015

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reply by the author on 23-May-2015

Thanks mate for the lovely review.

Comment from Nosha17

Excellent

Well written story, Patricia, with an excellent message. Parents have to realise that kids take things they say to heart. Well drawn characters and well narrated. Couple of things: Para 7, there were so many bandaids. Para 8, One year passed......... Enjoyable read. Faye

 Comment Written 22-May-2015

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reply by the author on 22-May-2015

Thanks Faye for the nice review and the correction issue. Taken care of.