Dark Covenant
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Fright "The Berwick Witches Series: Book One
28 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Harriett. You are really coming along nicely with your story. I like the way it is going. You have some fantastic imagery throughout...like:
"Jewel's shoulders slumped. She left the edge of the bed, walked across the room and stood in front of the bedroom window. The temperature of the floor chilled her bare feet. (I can see this, Harriett.)
And: "He kept twisting the blood tube between his thumb and fingers, looking at it like it held some deep, life altering secret. The ringing of his phone startled him out of his deep thought. He laid the tube by the sugar bowl and clicked his phone."
Great write. Bravo, my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Hi, Harriett. You are really coming along nicely with your story. I like the way it is going. You have some fantastic imagery throughout...like:
"Jewel's shoulders slumped. She left the edge of the bed, walked across the room and stood in front of the bedroom window. The temperature of the floor chilled her bare feet. (I can see this, Harriett.)
And: "He kept twisting the blood tube between his thumb and fingers, looking at it like it held some deep, life altering secret. The ringing of his phone startled him out of his deep thought. He laid the tube by the sugar bowl and clicked his phone."
Great write. Bravo, my friend. Bob
Comment Written 27-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Thank you, Bob. I really do value you as a writer and reviewer. Thank you so much for six star rating.
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:) You are deserving. Bob
Comment from chasennov
Chapter 19 of the book Dark Covenant The Berwick Witches Series: Book 1 "Fright"I enjoyed this chapter you have crafted here and I especially liked, '"See, that's what's wrong with you young pups today. You're not real wolves." Well done.
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Chapter 19 of the book Dark Covenant The Berwick Witches Series: Book 1 "Fright"I enjoyed this chapter you have crafted here and I especially liked, '"See, that's what's wrong with you young pups today. You're not real wolves." Well done.
Comment Written 27-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Thank you, chasennov. Glad you liked that line.
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You are most welcome.
Comment from dolphinqueenbee80
This story leaves the reader wanting to read more, to see what is going to happen. Looking forward to new chapters in this series.
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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This story leaves the reader wanting to read more, to see what is going to happen. Looking forward to new chapters in this series.
Comment Written 27-May-2015
reply by the author on 27-May-2015
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Thank you.
Comment from Curly Girly
This appears to be a well written chapter. I didn't notice any typos, so well done!
One of the werewolves has accidently had his blood tested by a doctor. Now they will know that he is not human.
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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This appears to be a well written chapter. I didn't notice any typos, so well done!
One of the werewolves has accidently had his blood tested by a doctor. Now they will know that he is not human.
Comment Written 26-May-2015
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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Thank you very much for stopping by and reviewing.
Comment from Antoine Charlemaine
Hi again, Amahra. Another fine chapter. You build the suspense well, but I find myself almost hoping Charlie won't take that back road. Poor Charlie... But that is the power of your writing.
Things I love:
'The fluff of the scatter rug slipped between her toes when she placed her feet on the floor.' This is the kind of detail that makes your writing so rich and complete. Excellent.
And again: 'The temperature of the floor chilled her bare feet and woke her more.' Great addition of detail to bring your writing to life.
A couple of suggestions:
'You'd better hurry(,) then.'
'He can't do anything until Monday(,) anyway.'
'...hit River over the head several times until he, all the while laughing, apologized.' This is a tad awkward. Perhaps, '...hit River over the head several times until he apologized, laughing all the while.'
'Everyone knew his mother-in-law called the shots.' Just not quite sure who the 'his' in this sentence is referring to.
Thanks, Amahra.
Anthony
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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Hi again, Amahra. Another fine chapter. You build the suspense well, but I find myself almost hoping Charlie won't take that back road. Poor Charlie... But that is the power of your writing.
Things I love:
'The fluff of the scatter rug slipped between her toes when she placed her feet on the floor.' This is the kind of detail that makes your writing so rich and complete. Excellent.
And again: 'The temperature of the floor chilled her bare feet and woke her more.' Great addition of detail to bring your writing to life.
A couple of suggestions:
'You'd better hurry(,) then.'
'He can't do anything until Monday(,) anyway.'
'...hit River over the head several times until he, all the while laughing, apologized.' This is a tad awkward. Perhaps, '...hit River over the head several times until he apologized, laughing all the while.'
'Everyone knew his mother-in-law called the shots.' Just not quite sure who the 'his' in this sentence is referring to.
Thanks, Amahra.
Anthony
Comment Written 26-May-2015
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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Thank you so much Antoine. I really appreciate all the things you liked and for all the suggestions that will making my writing better. God bless you, my dear.
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I am blessed. Thank you. :)
Comment from Ric Myworld
Well, well, what will happen next. Werewolves, witches, sorcerers, and all of them living in a place that could be referred to "The land of pleasant living." Thanks for another great chapter. :-)
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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Well, well, what will happen next. Werewolves, witches, sorcerers, and all of them living in a place that could be referred to "The land of pleasant living." Thanks for another great chapter. :-)
Comment Written 26-May-2015
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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Thank you, Ric. Really appreciate you stopping by, my friend.
Comment from jaeladarling
Hmmm...wonder if Charlton will fall for that song and dance? And I wonder how they're going to "take care of" this mess? Lots of questions that need answering - can't wait to see what happens next! Great chapter, as always. :)
A few suggestions:
"Charlie Daniels, the pathologist at the medical center was" (Comma after "center")
"each, nursing a cold" (No comma)
"River stood in front of them leaning" (Comma after "them")
"with disappointment, but finally" (No comma)
"Nearly an hour past" (I think you meant "passed")
"Not too many people use it. I doubt, even know about it." (This is laid out and reads strangely. Try: "Not too many people use it; I doubt even know about it.")
"small brown envelope, and slid" (No comma)
"back of the kitchen where he stepped" (Comma after "kitchen")
"phoned River who was" (Comma after "River")
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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Hmmm...wonder if Charlton will fall for that song and dance? And I wonder how they're going to "take care of" this mess? Lots of questions that need answering - can't wait to see what happens next! Great chapter, as always. :)
A few suggestions:
"Charlie Daniels, the pathologist at the medical center was" (Comma after "center")
"each, nursing a cold" (No comma)
"River stood in front of them leaning" (Comma after "them")
"with disappointment, but finally" (No comma)
"Nearly an hour past" (I think you meant "passed")
"Not too many people use it. I doubt, even know about it." (This is laid out and reads strangely. Try: "Not too many people use it; I doubt even know about it.")
"small brown envelope, and slid" (No comma)
"back of the kitchen where he stepped" (Comma after "kitchen")
"phoned River who was" (Comma after "River")
Comment Written 26-May-2015
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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Thank you so much jaeladarling. I really appreciate your help with the commas. All except the dialogue. I don't change dialogue.
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I only ever suggest dialogue changes when it comes to punctuation, as punctuation is the key to understanding the sentence.
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Okay, I'll check it again. Maybe I missed something. Thank you. Always a pleasure having you review me.
Comment from Writingfundimension
'The fluff of the scatter rug slipped between her toes when she placed her feet on the floor.' Great detail, Amahra. Appeals to the mind and senses.
'It's so nice to have a wolf around the house,' she joked.
'Yeah, especially when witches screw up.' I liked this interaction. Just right for a supernatural novel.
I'm anxious to find out how the wolves deal with Charlton now that he's been set up.
An excellent chapter!
:) Bev
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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'The fluff of the scatter rug slipped between her toes when she placed her feet on the floor.' Great detail, Amahra. Appeals to the mind and senses.
'It's so nice to have a wolf around the house,' she joked.
'Yeah, especially when witches screw up.' I liked this interaction. Just right for a supernatural novel.
I'm anxious to find out how the wolves deal with Charlton now that he's been set up.
An excellent chapter!
:) Bev
Comment Written 26-May-2015
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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Thank you, Bev. Always a pleasure hearing from you. I'm so glad you liked the little playfulness I presented along with the tension.
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Sure did, and you are most welcome, Amahra. :)
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi amahra,
Chance and luck often play a key role in military actions, often the outcome revolves around something seemingly unimportant - like a mislabelled tube. If Charlton Daniels really has bought the subterfuge and shortcut he's got to be a bit naive to say the least.
Good story thus far, may I suggest you ramp up the tension slightly by allowing Dr Daniels to have second thoughts? Let the werewolves work to catch him ...
Patrick
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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Hi amahra,
Chance and luck often play a key role in military actions, often the outcome revolves around something seemingly unimportant - like a mislabelled tube. If Charlton Daniels really has bought the subterfuge and shortcut he's got to be a bit naive to say the least.
Good story thus far, may I suggest you ramp up the tension slightly by allowing Dr Daniels to have second thoughts? Let the werewolves work to catch him ...
Patrick
Comment Written 26-May-2015
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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Thank you Patrick. Never thought of that. I will seriously consider that. Great review, my friend.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an excellent write, amahra, you did an excellent job writing how the wolves are going to make sure the blood doesn't make it to the lab. I like the ribbing that the wolves gave to each other and the mockery between river and his wife. made me smile
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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this is an excellent write, amahra, you did an excellent job writing how the wolves are going to make sure the blood doesn't make it to the lab. I like the ribbing that the wolves gave to each other and the mockery between river and his wife. made me smile
Comment Written 26-May-2015
reply by the author on 26-May-2015
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Thank you so much, sweetwoodjax for reading and writing this excellent review. I really appreciate it.
