The Clown
Chapter 1: Brandon McCann16 total reviews
Comment from Shirley McLain
I liked your little boy, Brandon. You had a lot of tension in the chapter showing his excitement. My minds eye could see the scenes from your well written descriptions. It was an excellent lead-in chapter. Great job.
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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I liked your little boy, Brandon. You had a lot of tension in the chapter showing his excitement. My minds eye could see the scenes from your well written descriptions. It was an excellent lead-in chapter. Great job.
Comment Written 04-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Thank you for your comments and support. Stay tuned, much more to come.
Comment from bizzygirl
This is a change for you. I love the story line and character development. The father's lines speak of his personality very well. The first two paragraphs of the poem need some work. Run on sentences, although stream of conscieousness, wear out a reader. My suggestion is to reread and make a few adjustments, break down the thoughts into a bit more consice form. I am not expert in spelling, grammar and punctuation. I Know I would benefit from not spell check put grammar check. I really like the story line. The childs thought process is VERY good. Just a little work and you'll have a winner, in my opnion. Thanks for sharing. Good Luck!
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reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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This is a change for you. I love the story line and character development. The father's lines speak of his personality very well. The first two paragraphs of the poem need some work. Run on sentences, although stream of conscieousness, wear out a reader. My suggestion is to reread and make a few adjustments, break down the thoughts into a bit more consice form. I am not expert in spelling, grammar and punctuation. I Know I would benefit from not spell check put grammar check. I really like the story line. The childs thought process is VERY good. Just a little work and you'll have a winner, in my opnion. Thanks for sharing. Good Luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Thanks for your comments and support.
Comment from benoenose
A well constructed prose with expectations of reader felt. Plots and characters spotted exactly and the clown show makes the reader more eagerly to read.
Recommended for circus lovers and those involve in funny jokes.
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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A well constructed prose with expectations of reader felt. Plots and characters spotted exactly and the clown show makes the reader more eagerly to read.
Recommended for circus lovers and those involve in funny jokes.
Comment Written 04-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Or horror story fans as well. Thanks for your comments and support.
Comment from A TARNISHED KNIGHT
Interesting work for sure..Story told well and kept me interested...Now waiting for part 2 and more Thanks for sahring
tk
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Interesting work for sure..Story told well and kept me interested...Now waiting for part 2 and more Thanks for sahring
tk
Comment Written 04-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Thank you for your comments and support. Chapter 2 half written. Hope to post in the next couple days so stay tuned.
Comment from jpduck
I thought this was a charming tale, nicely told.
Typos/SPAGs (* *=insert; [ ]=delete):
'Ten year old Brandon McCann raced his brand new bicycle*. H*e had just gotten *it* two days before for his birthday*. He raced it* down the lush*,* green hill like his blonde hair was on fire and his tail feathers were catching'
'and headed [through] *between* two large oak trees to his destination.'
'Totally wrapped up in the excitement of the circus wagons passing by Brandon could have watched (Insert comma after 'by').
'placed his fingers on top of the boy's head*;* then playfully mus*s*ed his blonde locks'
Adrian
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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I thought this was a charming tale, nicely told.
Typos/SPAGs (* *=insert; [ ]=delete):
'Ten year old Brandon McCann raced his brand new bicycle*. H*e had just gotten *it* two days before for his birthday*. He raced it* down the lush*,* green hill like his blonde hair was on fire and his tail feathers were catching'
'and headed [through] *between* two large oak trees to his destination.'
'Totally wrapped up in the excitement of the circus wagons passing by Brandon could have watched (Insert comma after 'by').
'placed his fingers on top of the boy's head*;* then playfully mus*s*ed his blonde locks'
Adrian
Comment Written 04-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Thank you for your comments and support.
Comment from petalangela
Well the man has more than one fiddle to his bow. You goo a take the devil on boy?
A lovely story so light and readable with hidden lesson and morals inside it. Both fir parents and children
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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Well the man has more than one fiddle to his bow. You goo a take the devil on boy?
A lovely story so light and readable with hidden lesson and morals inside it. Both fir parents and children
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-May-2015
reply by the author on 04-May-2015
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And it is only Chapter One. So, stay tuned. I know you will. And, I do appreciate that fact too.
