The Clown
Chapter 1: Brandon McCann16 total reviews
Comment from sandragee
Good job with description. I know the character Brandon McCann already. know he's willing to take chances because of the line '...knew the consequences of not doing so would be a very sore bottom...' and the line '... pullover tail hung out over his jeans...' tells me he's a little sloppy. My one criticism is that some of the sentences are too long and you might want to break them up into smaller ones. I see that this is a horror and thriller fiction and this is the first chapter of the book. Any good horror story starts out innocent enough so good job on that too!
reply by the author on 08-May-2015
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Good job with description. I know the character Brandon McCann already. know he's willing to take chances because of the line '...knew the consequences of not doing so would be a very sore bottom...' and the line '... pullover tail hung out over his jeans...' tells me he's a little sloppy. My one criticism is that some of the sentences are too long and you might want to break them up into smaller ones. I see that this is a horror and thriller fiction and this is the first chapter of the book. Any good horror story starts out innocent enough so good job on that too!
Comment Written 07-May-2015
reply by the author on 08-May-2015
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Thanks for your comments and support.
Comment from Gloria ....
Great introductory chapter, Brett. It's a cute story and Brandon's character has been developed nicely along with his expectations (the circus) of what he wants, and hopefully gets.
I just have a couple of suggestions:
and a pullover who's tail hung out over his jeans as he pressed on. - and a pullover with tails hanging out over his jeans as he pressed on. The sweater isn't really a who and who's is the contraction for who is. But rewriting with shorter sentences would make that easier.
There are a few run on sentences that would be easier for you to manage if you wrote one long and then a couple of short ones. For example:
With two more hours before Daddy was expected home Brandon figured he would get his chores done, and if he was working when Daddy's pickup truck pulled up at least he would still be the obedient son he always was, and would be doing what his Daddy had wanted him to do.
Daddy was expected home in two hours. Brandon figured that was enough time to get his chores done and be busy working when Daddy's pickup truck pulled into the driveway.
It's much easier to manage shorter sentences, but not too short:P
Anyway great, so write on.
Gloria
reply by the author on 06-May-2015
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Great introductory chapter, Brett. It's a cute story and Brandon's character has been developed nicely along with his expectations (the circus) of what he wants, and hopefully gets.
I just have a couple of suggestions:
and a pullover who's tail hung out over his jeans as he pressed on. - and a pullover with tails hanging out over his jeans as he pressed on. The sweater isn't really a who and who's is the contraction for who is. But rewriting with shorter sentences would make that easier.
There are a few run on sentences that would be easier for you to manage if you wrote one long and then a couple of short ones. For example:
With two more hours before Daddy was expected home Brandon figured he would get his chores done, and if he was working when Daddy's pickup truck pulled up at least he would still be the obedient son he always was, and would be doing what his Daddy had wanted him to do.
Daddy was expected home in two hours. Brandon figured that was enough time to get his chores done and be busy working when Daddy's pickup truck pulled into the driveway.
It's much easier to manage shorter sentences, but not too short:P
Anyway great, so write on.
Gloria
Comment Written 06-May-2015
reply by the author on 06-May-2015
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Thanks for your comments.
Comment from MizKat
Hi Brett,
You're really great at writing stories, I don't care what kind they are. This was really good and held my interest from the beginning to the end. I guess I do like this type better than writing about different states and so on though. I look forward to the second part of this.
Kat
reply by the author on 06-May-2015
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Hi Brett,
You're really great at writing stories, I don't care what kind they are. This was really good and held my interest from the beginning to the end. I guess I do like this type better than writing about different states and so on though. I look forward to the second part of this.
Kat
Comment Written 05-May-2015
reply by the author on 06-May-2015
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Follow along. This is actually a book.
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Thanks for letting me know, that your clown story is going to be a book, Brett. I will definitely continue to read it as it's held my interest so far.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Yeah, as kids we we we're all a bit like Brandon McCann, I think. Always in a hurry to get nowhere fast. Not the majority of kids today, however. You're lucky if you get them to go outdoors at all. Not only that, but young Brandon did as his father asked and mowed the lawn. Sure, he had motive, one of which was fear of getting a spanking. Well, you can rule that fear out today, for the most part. His primary motivation, however, was pleasing his dad so he'd take him to the circus Saturday night. Every kid needs incentive, motivation and reward for a job well done, right?
Now, I only wonder...what sinister secrets does this circus hold? It is a horror/thriller tale after all.
Well done, Brett...~Dean
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Yeah, as kids we we we're all a bit like Brandon McCann, I think. Always in a hurry to get nowhere fast. Not the majority of kids today, however. You're lucky if you get them to go outdoors at all. Not only that, but young Brandon did as his father asked and mowed the lawn. Sure, he had motive, one of which was fear of getting a spanking. Well, you can rule that fear out today, for the most part. His primary motivation, however, was pleasing his dad so he'd take him to the circus Saturday night. Every kid needs incentive, motivation and reward for a job well done, right?
Now, I only wonder...what sinister secrets does this circus hold? It is a horror/thriller tale after all.
Well done, Brett...~Dean
Comment Written 05-May-2015
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Thanks for your comments my friend.
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You're very welcome, Brett.
Comment from kriver
Hi
I like the way this story is starting out.
It held my interest all the way through.
The piece had very good character descriptions
and good interactions.
The dialogue was very clear and believable.
The scene descriptions I thought were excellent.
Over all I think it is a good write.
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Hi
I like the way this story is starting out.
It held my interest all the way through.
The piece had very good character descriptions
and good interactions.
The dialogue was very clear and believable.
The scene descriptions I thought were excellent.
Over all I think it is a good write.
Comment Written 05-May-2015
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Thank you for your comments.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Nicely done.
No problems noted.
Easy and fun to read.
Did I miss a prolog or are you just starting us our cold turkey?
Is this to be a childrens book?
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Nicely done.
No problems noted.
Easy and fun to read.
Did I miss a prolog or are you just starting us our cold turkey?
Is this to be a childrens book?
Comment Written 04-May-2015
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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It is a horror and thriller book.
Comment from GE Parson
Well Country Boy,
Looks like I read chapter 2 first and chapter one second.
Oh well now I is ready for Chapter three.
Keep em coming,
Your friend
Jerry
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Well Country Boy,
Looks like I read chapter 2 first and chapter one second.
Oh well now I is ready for Chapter three.
Keep em coming,
Your friend
Jerry
Comment Written 04-May-2015
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Thanks for your comments and support.
Comment from MelB
I thought it was a good start to your story. I'm not sure what era this is from but I am thinking maybe 50's or earlier. I know the circus was a big form of entertainment back then. I liked the descriptions and the dialog between father and son.
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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I thought it was a good start to your story. I'm not sure what era this is from but I am thinking maybe 50's or earlier. I know the circus was a big form of entertainment back then. I liked the descriptions and the dialog between father and son.
Comment Written 04-May-2015
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Thanks for your comments.
Comment from boxergirl
Good start to your story. Your descriptive details are engaging as the reader visualizes the young lad's actions. I like the interaction between the boy and his dad. 8-)
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Good start to your story. Your descriptive details are engaging as the reader visualizes the young lad's actions. I like the interaction between the boy and his dad. 8-)
Comment Written 04-May-2015
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Thanks for your comments.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Whilst this was generally a well written piece, I found the first three paragraphs rather indulgent on the part of the writer. It is established quickly that he is in a hurry to go nowhere. It doesn't need repeated so often.
The writing is good as is the character of Brandon, although I wonder when the piece is set, as most 10 year old boys these days have probably outgrown the circus, in favour of Xbox and so on. Not many lions, and tiger, and bears (oh my!) in circus' these days either, really. he seems to talk more like a five or six year old too "ooey, gooey cheese".
There wasn't too much to grab the reader right from the off.
This is just my opinion so feel to ignore which, I think, you probably will.
Good luck with this.
GMG
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Hi there,
Whilst this was generally a well written piece, I found the first three paragraphs rather indulgent on the part of the writer. It is established quickly that he is in a hurry to go nowhere. It doesn't need repeated so often.
The writing is good as is the character of Brandon, although I wonder when the piece is set, as most 10 year old boys these days have probably outgrown the circus, in favour of Xbox and so on. Not many lions, and tiger, and bears (oh my!) in circus' these days either, really. he seems to talk more like a five or six year old too "ooey, gooey cheese".
There wasn't too much to grab the reader right from the off.
This is just my opinion so feel to ignore which, I think, you probably will.
Good luck with this.
GMG
Comment Written 04-May-2015
reply by the author on 05-May-2015
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Thanks for your comments.
