Reviews from

Artillery filled

Haiku contest

3 total reviews 
Comment from Tatarka2
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I liked this haiku very much, and think it is a strong entry, especially because of the multiple meanings implied in these few syllables. For me, that is what constitutes an outstanding haiku.

 Comment Written 24-Apr-2015

reply by the author on 25-Apr-2015
    Thank you Tatarka2 for this most excellent review my friend. Your feedback is most welcoming.
    God bless!
Comment from RodG
Good
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I get an impression of a very cold day when "green" clouds swirl and bombard the world below with hail.
I am not sure you military metaphor works as I am not sure what "position" the clouds "assume[d]." Would they come to attention? Clouds? And "artillery filled" is vague. When are the "cannons" (the clouds) filled, or reloaded? And how?
Clever play on words with your title.

 Comment Written 23-Apr-2015

reply by the author on 23-Apr-2015
    Yea, I struggled with this one a little. It originally stated.
    Artillery filled
    green clouds assumed position
    hail is upon us
    Do you think that is the better form?
    Thank you for taking the time to review my work.
    God bless!
Comment from TAB_that's me
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Although the poem is in perfect haiku form, I can't help but wonder if 'artillery filled' would make a better satori (last) line. Good luck.
teresa

 Comment Written 23-Apr-2015

reply by the author on 23-Apr-2015
    I love the idea and originally had planned to use it as the satori, but I couldn't seem to come up with the right opening otherwise. My other option was.
    hail freezes over
    green clouds assume position
    artillery filled
    Do you think this is better, I believe it is ok to edit.
    Thank you for this excellent review.
    God bless!
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2015
reply by TAB_that's me on 23-Apr-2015
    I think I would go with the second option but that is my opinion. I was trying to come up with a different way to arrange it but didn't come up with anything without adding one more syllable.

reply by the author on 23-Apr-2015
    Alright, I will give it a try. Thank you again my friend.