The One That Got Away
Freestyle poem22 total reviews
Comment from Megalips
Del...your picture and the title pulled me in (thought you might be interested), and though the rhyme is occasionally a little forced and the cadence a bit off, the subject was entertaining a worthy of a read! Am I correct in assuming this girl was the cause of the brawl you describe in the last stanza? I think your description of her and the bar is pretty good.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
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Del...your picture and the title pulled me in (thought you might be interested), and though the rhyme is occasionally a little forced and the cadence a bit off, the subject was entertaining a worthy of a read! Am I correct in assuming this girl was the cause of the brawl you describe in the last stanza? I think your description of her and the bar is pretty good.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2015
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As for the rhyme, it was pretty much freestyle. The reason for the fight was probably just because it was a bar and people were drinking. I just mentioned that someone had thrown some dirt, as in insulted someone. Or it could have been over the lady.
Four stars usually means that you found something wrong with a poem that needs to be corrected. Is it the rhyme scheme you have a problem with?
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LOL...no, the poem is good, Del. I am not a professional review artist so, as with most things for me, I make emotional purchases here. I had a long discussion with somebody here about these stars and we both agreed they need to get rid of them. You never see rankings below 3...we just can't do that to each other, but apparently they used to when the site was developed. Like everyone, I reserve 6's for things that should be in a book somewhere. Otherwise, unfortunately, everything is relative...we had some really amazing work just posted yesterday on page 1.
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I think the rating star system needs adjusting. I think most of the things I read should be a four, meaning it is well written and generally good. Then the fives and sixes should be for really good or excellent. I usually end up giving fives to most things but I think there should be another level.
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I think you're right
Comment from dmt1967
I enjoyed the flow, but got a bit confused. Was the poet in a bar when he saw the girl? Or was the girl on a poster? Whatever, it was a very well written poem and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2015
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I enjoyed the flow, but got a bit confused. Was the poet in a bar when he saw the girl? Or was the girl on a poster? Whatever, it was a very well written poem and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2015
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She was in a bar sitting on a bar stool. Thank you for reading and reviewing.
Ward
Comment from Joan E.
I admired your selection of free style and your seductive picture to establish the mood. Thanks for the historical notes about Fisher & Company. I enjoyed your rhymes, the "root beer" simile plus "full grown cat" metaphor and the repeats of the title. Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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I admired your selection of free style and your seductive picture to establish the mood. Thanks for the historical notes about Fisher & Company. I enjoyed your rhymes, the "root beer" simile plus "full grown cat" metaphor and the repeats of the title. Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 24-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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Thank you for reading and for your feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed my effort. I wasn't sure everyone would understand the reference to
'body by Fischer'. I grew up seeing the emblem on cars in the U.S.
Ward
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I'm older than you are and I remember the car emblem too. Happy weekend when it arrives- Joan
Comment from benoenose
Adoration of the beauty of female is exposed with poetic sty;e. Though attracted by the fashion and the style of the girl, the poet is impressed but doubtful will that romance with her lost for. Deep in the heart the affection and the care the poet aspires will never meet eternal. Therefore, the longing of this desire is to vanish.
A melancholy tone with romantic feeling, could widely read by adults and lovers of beauty.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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Adoration of the beauty of female is exposed with poetic sty;e. Though attracted by the fashion and the style of the girl, the poet is impressed but doubtful will that romance with her lost for. Deep in the heart the affection and the care the poet aspires will never meet eternal. Therefore, the longing of this desire is to vanish.
A melancholy tone with romantic feeling, could widely read by adults and lovers of beauty.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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Thank you for your very insightful and complementary review. You seem to have understood it well and gotten a lot of meaning out of it. I'm glad you found it worth reading.
Ward
Comment from Jay Squires
Light a fire for a man, he is warm all night
Or set him on fire and he is warm for life
A little play on the religious about giving a man a fish, or teaching him how to fish. Geez, do I have that confused? Anyway, it is humorous.
And, yes I do remember the "Body by Fisher". I think it was even a jingle, if I recall.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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Light a fire for a man, he is warm all night
Or set him on fire and he is warm for life
A little play on the religious about giving a man a fish, or teaching him how to fish. Geez, do I have that confused? Anyway, it is humorous.
And, yes I do remember the "Body by Fisher". I think it was even a jingle, if I recall.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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Jay,
Well I haven't voted yet. Actually I think the man on fire is
a knock off from Terry Pratchett, I sure that was his muse. There
is something going around FS about voting for the late great JC.
Do you know if he's running for office or something?
Thanks for everything,
Ward
I believe the Pratchett quote was "build a man a fire, he's warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life."
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Jay,
Well I haven't voted yet. Actually I think the man on fire is
a knock off from Terry Pratchett, I sure that was his muse. There
is something going around FS about voting for the late great JC.
Do you know if he's running for office or something?
Thanks for everything,
Ward
I believe the Pratchett quote was "build a man a fire, he's warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life."
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He's got a good campaign goin' on.
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Living in Miss. I know of more than one deceased person being elected, but I can't
recall one actually holding office.
Comment from vapros
There is some pretty neat creative and imaginative humor included in this account of your encounter - in a bar- with this enigmatic doll. You might be a bit lucky that she got away. Dangerous lady. Good work.
v
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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There is some pretty neat creative and imaginative humor included in this account of your encounter - in a bar- with this enigmatic doll. You might be a bit lucky that she got away. Dangerous lady. Good work.
v
Comment Written 23-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2015
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I think she was bad news. Probably just as well it wasn't meant to be. Maybe a bar may not be the best place to find one's life partner.
Ward
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I think she was bad news. Probably just as well it wasn't meant to be. Maybe a bar may not be the best place to find one's life partner. Thank you for reading and for the review.
Ward
Comment from Pantygynt
Thanks for the explanatory note although strangely I felt it completely unnecessary. Although I was not aware of the details, anything that advertises its bodywork like that has to be special, so you see, the poem said it all for me.
Reading this, the years rolled away, nearly fifty of them if I remember rightly and, apart from the rumpus, I remember a very similar experience when, just as I thought I had it made, up rolls a bloke with a fatter wallet and - She was the one that got away.
When a poem resonates with someone like that (and I bet I'm not the only one) then rhyme schemes, scansion and the rest fade into insignificance.
Great fun and thanks for the trip down memory lane!
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2015
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Thanks for the explanatory note although strangely I felt it completely unnecessary. Although I was not aware of the details, anything that advertises its bodywork like that has to be special, so you see, the poem said it all for me.
Reading this, the years rolled away, nearly fifty of them if I remember rightly and, apart from the rumpus, I remember a very similar experience when, just as I thought I had it made, up rolls a bloke with a fatter wallet and - She was the one that got away.
When a poem resonates with someone like that (and I bet I'm not the only one) then rhyme schemes, scansion and the rest fade into insignificance.
Great fun and thanks for the trip down memory lane!
Comment Written 23-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2015
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Pantygynt,
If somebody has never been there, thier lying or just not trying.
Thank you for your review and comments.
DeLaHay
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day folks, this is a very clever piece of free verse. I could picture the scene very well and the fight at the end was a blow (pardon the pun) when he just thought his luck had changed. Well done, cheers Fez
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2015
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G'day folks, this is a very clever piece of free verse. I could picture the scene very well and the fight at the end was a blow (pardon the pun) when he just thought his luck had changed. Well done, cheers Fez
Comment Written 23-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2015
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But, of course, it wasn't meant to be. Thanks for reading.
Ward
Comment from flamingstar
Purred like a kitten taking a nap
But she was a full grown cat
Great lines...although I have to disagree with the "set him on fire and he's warm for life." Dead, more likely - or at least in excruciating pain!
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2015
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Purred like a kitten taking a nap
But she was a full grown cat
Great lines...although I have to disagree with the "set him on fire and he's warm for life." Dead, more likely - or at least in excruciating pain!
Comment Written 21-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2015
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If you set a man of fire he is warm for the rest of his life. It just won't be a very long life.
Thank you so much for your review.
Ward
Comment from fimarie78
I really enjoyed the upbeat rhythm in this poem. You have painted it so well. We are right there in the bar with you.
Phrases like 'her hair flowed like root beer' were so unique. I also liked the cat comparison.
The 'light a fire' part could be your own proverb.
What a shame that she did get away in the end, but on the bright side. It made fo a better poem than happily ever after. best wishes Fiona
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2015
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I really enjoyed the upbeat rhythm in this poem. You have painted it so well. We are right there in the bar with you.
Phrases like 'her hair flowed like root beer' were so unique. I also liked the cat comparison.
The 'light a fire' part could be your own proverb.
What a shame that she did get away in the end, but on the bright side. It made fo a better poem than happily ever after. best wishes Fiona
Comment Written 21-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2015
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I'm glad you enjoyed the imagery. I was hoping to paint a Wardpicture with my words. I appreciate the feedback.
