The Conjurer
Be careful what you ask for.51 total reviews
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Bev
_ Wow! A great opening to this---novel or novella?
_ Super artwork to enhance the supernatural theme.
_ Looking forward to more. (*<*)
SPAG...
>>> Some things for you to consider:
1) You don't define/describe your character in the beginning.
2) So, when your character talks about a Elise, I'm assuming by your words your character is a 'HE'---although, in this day and age---it could be a gal. (*>*)
>><< Italics/Parenthesis:
1) The italics tell the reader the character is thinking NOT speaking.
2) That is the reason you do NOT need parenthesis.
3) Therefore, you don't need the dialogue tag: I thought
YOURS:
_ "Who owns property way out here?" I thought. When I cut
SUGGEST:
_ Who owns property way out here? When I cut
<<>> I'm thinking this should be: damn/not damned.
--- damned means doomed.
_ "Hey, wait a damned minute..."
>><< Period needed instead of comma.
_ "Si, I know," he snapped into the phone[,](.) "You're a scientist,
_ Suggestions always made with respect, so please use or lose as you see fit.
_ Well done.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Hi, Bev
_ Wow! A great opening to this---novel or novella?
_ Super artwork to enhance the supernatural theme.
_ Looking forward to more. (*<*)
SPAG...
>>> Some things for you to consider:
1) You don't define/describe your character in the beginning.
2) So, when your character talks about a Elise, I'm assuming by your words your character is a 'HE'---although, in this day and age---it could be a gal. (*>*)
>><< Italics/Parenthesis:
1) The italics tell the reader the character is thinking NOT speaking.
2) That is the reason you do NOT need parenthesis.
3) Therefore, you don't need the dialogue tag: I thought
YOURS:
_ "Who owns property way out here?" I thought. When I cut
SUGGEST:
_ Who owns property way out here? When I cut
<<>> I'm thinking this should be: damn/not damned.
--- damned means doomed.
_ "Hey, wait a damned minute..."
>><< Period needed instead of comma.
_ "Si, I know," he snapped into the phone[,](.) "You're a scientist,
_ Suggestions always made with respect, so please use or lose as you see fit.
_ Well done.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Hi, Jax. Thanks for the excellent review and suggestions. I appreciate your time and interest!
:) Bev
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You're welcome. (*<*)
Comment from Shirley McLain
An excellent read. It got my reading buds ready for an exciting book and then I read your piece about making it a short story. I didn't find any problems While reading it. You did a good job.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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An excellent read. It got my reading buds ready for an exciting book and then I read your piece about making it a short story. I didn't find any problems While reading it. You did a good job.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Hi, Shirley. Thanks for the excellent review. I appreciate your support for the story. I'm planning at least six parts--probably more-- to this story. So, I hope you'll stay tuned.
:) Bev
Comment from Story teller123
I really enjoyed reading this story! It was really good and well written! The storyline was very clever! I don't usually read stories like this, but I enjoyed it!
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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I really enjoyed reading this story! It was really good and well written! The storyline was very clever! I don't usually read stories like this, but I enjoyed it!
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Hi, Story teller. Thank you so much for taking time to read Part One of my story. I appreciate your encouraging comments and support!
:) Bev
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You're welcome!
Comment from Jay Squires
This is awkward, Bev, but I had to give you a four for this otherwise beautifully written story. I have to be consistent to all the stories I crit and I allow a max of 4 spags before I deduct. However, I do return the star as soon as the writer lets me know the corrections have been made. Fair enough? Also, I'm ONLY talking about Spag, not the SUGGESTIONS I might have made.
This was such a well-written story, Bev, but some of the SPAGs were just careless omissions or misspells.
I shoved my $250.00, pair of sunglasses onto the bridge of my nose [No comma after $250.00. I thought at first it was a collection of things she shoved.]
pair of sunglasses onto the bridge of my nose and cursed them as I squinted to see the road ahead. [I don't see why the sunglasses would cause her to curse them. I was expecting you to explain that, but you didn't.]
and both were headed in the opposite Was it a sign? [did you leave out "direction" and a period? Something and a period.]
Shit, I'm letting Elise and her crazy visions mess with my head. [I like this touch of prefacing something.]
I drained the last of my bottle of water and added it to the pile on the opposite seat. [Better to make it "water bottle" especially when you added "it" to the pile."]
." A crazy popped into my head and took hold. [A crazy what? popped into my mind.]
I stood there awhile, after settling willy back into place, [OMG, you're protag's a guy! That helps me erase that last image you left with me of directing your stream of urine.]
A couple of hours in that heat and I'd be ready to declare Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. [A nifty way of saying "die".]
She'd pressured me to allow her to come along [Probably better "She'd TRIED TO PRESSURE, since the way you have it implies she succeeded.]
I'm often accused of being spectacularly naive, [This is a lapse into the present tense, Bev. Better as, "I'd often been accused ..."]
I could write that off as rumors [...could write THOSE off as rumors...]
"I want my money up front," my contact had insisted. [Is there a way you could say it was a phone contact? I thought he was someone across the square where he parked his car (even though you did have the "had" in the sentence)]
Just answer a question for me, will you?" I plied. [Would suggest your bringing this up to the previous paragraph since it's the same person speaking. In either event you need an Open Quote.]
Si, I know," he snapped into the phone, [Open quote needed.]
I felt as conspicuous as a penguin [Excellent image!]
Dynamic ending for the chapter, Bev. It begs the reader back to the next chapter. Your images surrounding that last line were cogent, so you kept the reader in the present moment.
I hope there's a second chapter!
***********************************************************
Here is the problem. I downloaded yours and many others earlier in the day and this is the first chance I've had of reading it. Naturally, I'm not looking at the most recently corrected copy. This is one of the reasons I am quick to return stars, which I've done here.
Thanks for your understanding.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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This is awkward, Bev, but I had to give you a four for this otherwise beautifully written story. I have to be consistent to all the stories I crit and I allow a max of 4 spags before I deduct. However, I do return the star as soon as the writer lets me know the corrections have been made. Fair enough? Also, I'm ONLY talking about Spag, not the SUGGESTIONS I might have made.
This was such a well-written story, Bev, but some of the SPAGs were just careless omissions or misspells.
I shoved my $250.00, pair of sunglasses onto the bridge of my nose [No comma after $250.00. I thought at first it was a collection of things she shoved.]
pair of sunglasses onto the bridge of my nose and cursed them as I squinted to see the road ahead. [I don't see why the sunglasses would cause her to curse them. I was expecting you to explain that, but you didn't.]
and both were headed in the opposite Was it a sign? [did you leave out "direction" and a period? Something and a period.]
Shit, I'm letting Elise and her crazy visions mess with my head. [I like this touch of prefacing something.]
I drained the last of my bottle of water and added it to the pile on the opposite seat. [Better to make it "water bottle" especially when you added "it" to the pile."]
." A crazy popped into my head and took hold. [A crazy what? popped into my mind.]
I stood there awhile, after settling willy back into place, [OMG, you're protag's a guy! That helps me erase that last image you left with me of directing your stream of urine.]
A couple of hours in that heat and I'd be ready to declare Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. [A nifty way of saying "die".]
She'd pressured me to allow her to come along [Probably better "She'd TRIED TO PRESSURE, since the way you have it implies she succeeded.]
I'm often accused of being spectacularly naive, [This is a lapse into the present tense, Bev. Better as, "I'd often been accused ..."]
I could write that off as rumors [...could write THOSE off as rumors...]
"I want my money up front," my contact had insisted. [Is there a way you could say it was a phone contact? I thought he was someone across the square where he parked his car (even though you did have the "had" in the sentence)]
Just answer a question for me, will you?" I plied. [Would suggest your bringing this up to the previous paragraph since it's the same person speaking. In either event you need an Open Quote.]
Si, I know," he snapped into the phone, [Open quote needed.]
I felt as conspicuous as a penguin [Excellent image!]
Dynamic ending for the chapter, Bev. It begs the reader back to the next chapter. Your images surrounding that last line were cogent, so you kept the reader in the present moment.
I hope there's a second chapter!
***********************************************************
Here is the problem. I downloaded yours and many others earlier in the day and this is the first chance I've had of reading it. Naturally, I'm not looking at the most recently corrected copy. This is one of the reasons I am quick to return stars, which I've done here.
Thanks for your understanding.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Hi, Jay. Thank you for the many suggestions. I have corrected most of the errors you point out, and I have to tell you that some of what you point out is due to the editing issue I've had all day. I went back and changed and re-changed a number of those areas mentioned based on other reviews,, so I'm not sure what version you've seen. The rest are all very good insights, and I will, hopefully, be able to make the changes LoL.
:) Bev
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Thanks for adding the extra star--I know you don't have to do that and I appreciate it. :) Bev
Comment from royowen
Sounds like the beginning of a fantastic story, you've certainly got off to the right start, Bev, you have me absolutely intrigued! This born again believer?!? Is definitely a contrdiction in terms, being very full of guile, and a little uncaring! I ilke it when he peed he wanted to make the fence sizzle, if it was electrified! Ominous ending paragraphs when the people and the birds vanished! Well done Bev, great start, blessings, Roy.
Typo : A crazy( )popped into my head,(thought) ?
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Sounds like the beginning of a fantastic story, you've certainly got off to the right start, Bev, you have me absolutely intrigued! This born again believer?!? Is definitely a contrdiction in terms, being very full of guile, and a little uncaring! I ilke it when he peed he wanted to make the fence sizzle, if it was electrified! Ominous ending paragraphs when the people and the birds vanished! Well done Bev, great start, blessings, Roy.
Typo : A crazy( )popped into my head,(thought) ?
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Hi, Roy. Thank you so much for this very gracious and most encouraging review. I appreciate the way you've let me know what works for you with this story--that's always so helpful! So glad you enjoyed the first installment. Warmest regards, Bev
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Most welcome Bev
Comment from humpwhistle
Bev, you do a good job with a ton of backstory.
Especially with only one 'live' character.
A second character in the car might have been helpful.
But then, this is your story.
Peace, Lee
A crazy popped into my head and took hold.
--a crazy idea? notion?
"Christ... now I'm gonna have to whizz out in the open." --this doesn't sound like a man. Does it?
Surrounded by Spanish architecture that could never be copied or replaced,--just wondering, why couldn't it be copied or replaced? People copy everything.
I could write that off as rumors -- 'that' and 'rumors' seem to disagree. Perhaps it is a rumor?
Your money will be wired today," --need beginning quote.
Just answer a question for me, will you?" --again beginning quote. Troubles with Evil Eddie?
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Bev, you do a good job with a ton of backstory.
Especially with only one 'live' character.
A second character in the car might have been helpful.
But then, this is your story.
Peace, Lee
A crazy popped into my head and took hold.
--a crazy idea? notion?
"Christ... now I'm gonna have to whizz out in the open." --this doesn't sound like a man. Does it?
Surrounded by Spanish architecture that could never be copied or replaced,--just wondering, why couldn't it be copied or replaced? People copy everything.
I could write that off as rumors -- 'that' and 'rumors' seem to disagree. Perhaps it is a rumor?
Your money will be wired today," --need beginning quote.
Just answer a question for me, will you?" --again beginning quote. Troubles with Evil Eddie?
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Hi, Lee. Nice to hear from you. Thanks much for your good suggestions and spag catches. I especially enjoyed your pointing out that girly peeing thing LoL. Someone else did as well. It's all good.
Bev
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is very good writing. I like this story and am looking forward to more. I need to know what else happens. Texas is extremely hot as is Mexico
Si, I know," he snapped into the phone, (missing beginning quotation mark)
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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This is very good writing. I like this story and am looking forward to more. I need to know what else happens. Texas is extremely hot as is Mexico
Si, I know," he snapped into the phone, (missing beginning quotation mark)
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Hi, Barbara. Thank you so much for this gracious review and the spag alert. Always good to hear from you.
Bev
Comment from JTStone
Excellent place to end this chapter.
I liked the building drama. The character's nerves seemed real, his anxiety was well thought out. Yes he should have brought the girl, you made that clear enough, then cleverly hid it. Good move.
As a long distance commuter though, It is traditional to merely open the passenger door for cover and use the front tire to relieve one's self...just so you know if you ever need to do that in the future...
JT
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Excellent place to end this chapter.
I liked the building drama. The character's nerves seemed real, his anxiety was well thought out. Yes he should have brought the girl, you made that clear enough, then cleverly hid it. Good move.
As a long distance commuter though, It is traditional to merely open the passenger door for cover and use the front tire to relieve one's self...just so you know if you ever need to do that in the future...
JT
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Hi, JT. Thank you much for this very helpful and most gracious review. I appreciate you taking time to point out what worked for you in this post.. And I also appreciate the heads-up about the peeing thing. Humpwhistle noticed it as well, but you went a little farther to inform me of how it's properly done LoL.
:) Bev
Comment from seaglass
This is a fascinating story. it kept me riveted.I enjoy your style and it truly makes the reader feel she is watching it rather than just reading. I would enjoy a continuation of this story.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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This is a fascinating story. it kept me riveted.I enjoy your style and it truly makes the reader feel she is watching it rather than just reading. I would enjoy a continuation of this story.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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Thank you so much for this very generous and encouraging review, my friend. It's good to know you enjoyed the post.
:) Bev
Comment from w.j.debi
Nice eerie ending, Bev. Looks like the doctor is in big trouble. Great hook to make the reader wonder what is coming now.
I liked the use of the flashback--it was effective and well executed. You went in and out of it very smoothly.
You do an excellent job of showing us the type of person Dr. Morales is through is actions and thoughts. He is well educated, American, has enough money to throw around without being concerned about it, arrogant (better than anyone else) and self-centered (doesn't want to share his precious time or his discovery with a colleague, even if he finds her attractive). We also know Elise had some kind of visions she warned him about, but he doesn't believe her. He is "smarter" than to believe her. He feels he can handle any situation himself--oops should have brought someone with him.
I love that the doctors "contact" nailed the doc's intentions and what type of person he was, and that the doctor admits it. Excellent use of dialog between th to to let us know about the characters.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2015
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Nice eerie ending, Bev. Looks like the doctor is in big trouble. Great hook to make the reader wonder what is coming now.
I liked the use of the flashback--it was effective and well executed. You went in and out of it very smoothly.
You do an excellent job of showing us the type of person Dr. Morales is through is actions and thoughts. He is well educated, American, has enough money to throw around without being concerned about it, arrogant (better than anyone else) and self-centered (doesn't want to share his precious time or his discovery with a colleague, even if he finds her attractive). We also know Elise had some kind of visions she warned him about, but he doesn't believe her. He is "smarter" than to believe her. He feels he can handle any situation himself--oops should have brought someone with him.
I love that the doctors "contact" nailed the doc's intentions and what type of person he was, and that the doctor admits it. Excellent use of dialog between th to to let us know about the characters.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2015
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Thank so much, Debi. I appreciate your insights into the story, especially your mention of those elements that work. So helpful!
Looking forward to our discussion tonight!
:) Bev
