Destiny's Angel
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "A Strange Encounter"A fantasy novel set in modern day Baltimore
14 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
The first line will draw the readers in: "Cadence Uriel heard distinct sounds of a fight. You have used strong onomatopoetic words. Another mystery:"I know you are trying to help, but, please, put away your phone." I like the eerie tone you have established. Good use of similes and metaphors. You have some striking sensoryimages too. This sounds like a promising foreshadowing. Thls is I'll be back.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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The first line will draw the readers in: "Cadence Uriel heard distinct sounds of a fight. You have used strong onomatopoetic words. Another mystery:"I know you are trying to help, but, please, put away your phone." I like the eerie tone you have established. Good use of similes and metaphors. You have some striking sensoryimages too. This sounds like a promising foreshadowing. Thls is I'll be back.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2023
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Hi Liz! Thanks for going back and reviewing a book I started in 2015. To be honest, I got a long way in it, then didn't finish as I sustained a severe head injury that kept me from writing for a while. (all better now)
I'm working on a new book right now, but might go back and finish that one in the future. Thanks for reminding me of it! It was a fun write and I invested a lot of time in research. I even traveled to the area twice for personal research.
Take care,
Rhonda
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I will continue to read it themn encourage you how the continue it. It is a great approach to go to the place. I visited caves & landscape of Montana on you tube, for my book Traffic. I spent a whole afternoon following spelunkers. Ooof, scary, no elevators.
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Good idea, beats flying our there, lol.
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And climbing through a treacherous cave, My ide of a cave is the commercial one we took our junior high kids to. There was an elevator to get down to what my characters had to carefully make their way to.
Comment from jlsavell
Rhonda, and I am getting in on the first of a novel??? wow first for me here.. I like the way you have begun to set the story and reveal the characters. So I am off to the second chapter, I think.. well done... jimi
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2016
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Rhonda, and I am getting in on the first of a novel??? wow first for me here.. I like the way you have begun to set the story and reveal the characters. So I am off to the second chapter, I think.. well done... jimi
Comment Written 03-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2016
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Yes, it is the first chapter. I started it last year, but didn't get even half way through, then abandoned it, so am reposting. Thandks for joining in!!
Rhonda
Comment from A.A.A.EXHILARATING RIDE
Hi Rhonda, another intriguing story begins; the story of the homeless man immediately captured my attention, and I enjoyed its unfolding. It is a story so increasingly common, confronting, and sad amongst the most prized capitalist world cities. And, sadly, as police and other services cannot solve the real issues, they have to still strive to earn their way and justify their day, often adding to the pain and struggles of those they serve. And stereotypes increasingly guard an overwhelmed world in the reality of the growing hate and despair, of fear, rejection, lovelessness, and the absence of hope and basic needs of humanity. It sounds an excellent opening for Destiny Angel, hope and creativity. Thank you, Maureen*&*
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2016
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Hi Rhonda, another intriguing story begins; the story of the homeless man immediately captured my attention, and I enjoyed its unfolding. It is a story so increasingly common, confronting, and sad amongst the most prized capitalist world cities. And, sadly, as police and other services cannot solve the real issues, they have to still strive to earn their way and justify their day, often adding to the pain and struggles of those they serve. And stereotypes increasingly guard an overwhelmed world in the reality of the growing hate and despair, of fear, rejection, lovelessness, and the absence of hope and basic needs of humanity. It sounds an excellent opening for Destiny Angel, hope and creativity. Thank you, Maureen*&*
Comment Written 03-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2016
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Thank you for reading this novel's beginning. Like you, I am appalled by the number of homeless people, children included. I'm sure it wouldn't take much of the countries resources to make things better for these people.
I love your comments, and appreciate your taking your time to read.
Take care,
Rhonda
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Not only that it is so wasteful of whole lives and creative potential, as real rewarding work and humanity is crucified; and so many end up as wage slaves doing the abusive dirty work of capitalism and corporate dinosaurs and archaic, self protecting public institutions all feeding off the destruction and decline!
Thank you so much for reinforcing what is the most precious gift of FanStory for me: the thought extending, deeper insights of reality inspiring life and hope. And, in my space at the crossroads, I actually reviewed three touching the same theme yesterday; and now Sunday's responses are the sealing gift of God for me. Home Tuesday, and hopefully my second FanStory year will unfold with new clarity, meaning, and zest. Blessings and happy writing, Maureen*&*
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Another good story that I will now probably continue to read.
-This time a teacher; I hope she doesn't turn into a witch!
-You set the scene very well with all the snow and Cadence hearing the fight,
but as usual, the thugs got in a few more punches and bolted.
-We meet C-Man, who is badly in need of help. He seems very nice and polite to
Cadence, but no matter what she does or says, he is resistant.
-I think there is a lot of reading before we find out why, and why there are so many mysteries surrounding him.
-I don't think this showed up in my message box; I was going through the story list and came upon it.
-I will try to keep up with it, but it might not be every chapter.
-I assume all the characters listed and summary is for the benefit of FS and won't be a part of your novel?
-Good luck with the project.
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2016
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-Another good story that I will now probably continue to read.
-This time a teacher; I hope she doesn't turn into a witch!
-You set the scene very well with all the snow and Cadence hearing the fight,
but as usual, the thugs got in a few more punches and bolted.
-We meet C-Man, who is badly in need of help. He seems very nice and polite to
Cadence, but no matter what she does or says, he is resistant.
-I think there is a lot of reading before we find out why, and why there are so many mysteries surrounding him.
-I don't think this showed up in my message box; I was going through the story list and came upon it.
-I will try to keep up with it, but it might not be every chapter.
-I assume all the characters listed and summary is for the benefit of FS and won't be a part of your novel?
-Good luck with the project.
Comment Written 02-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2016
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Thank you so much for the six star review on this opening chapter, my friend!!
The teacher's a good guy this time, and is only trying to help the underprivaledged, but she is being given a bit of a hard time by the proud old man. He has many secretes, but always remains they type of man who feels he has to pay back what people do for him. Many people are this way, even in bad times.
I won't publish these as fast as the others, but I will still hang in there with it. I'll have to ask Tom why it didn't show up any any of my friend's boxes.
Thank you, again,
Rhonda
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You are very welcome. I had a feeling the teacher was a good person, and I understand about the old man, as you often hear about them either being proud, or not even wanting help, sometimes. I don't know if you have to change the title, like putting re-visited on it, but hopefully you get clarification from Tom. In your summary, you have " they seek to reach their protect their vision of hope." I didn't mention it, as I didn't know if it was just for FS and if you wanted to change it. Have a good weekend.
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Thanks, I'll fix it!
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You are welcome.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Off to a great start. You have an interesting style and use lots of dialog to engage your readers. I wish more people understood the importance of dialog.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016
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Off to a great start. You have an interesting style and use lots of dialog to engage your readers. I wish more people understood the importance of dialog.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Thomas. I couldn't agree more, but for me it comes natural, because I talk a lot. Lol.
I'm glad you have taken the time to read this story!
Rhonda
Comment from mfowler
Loved the way you entered this, and equally that final line which invites curiosity and segues well to the next instalment, is a beauty.
There's a wonderful imagery and atmosphere built around this scene. The snow, the warmly clad people, the dark etc all combine to put us in the street, feel the discomfort, and heighten the sense of benevolence offered to the old man by Cadence.
Your characters are introduced to us extremely well. Cadence is a young, female, conscientious school teacher. She reacts like one when confronted with what sounds like mischief (know those kind of statements ... LOL) and she demonstrates the kindness and concern that might well be the hallmark of such a young professional. (Aren't we all a caring lot? Goes with the turf ?)
The old man is hurt but reluctant to seek help from police or medical personnel. He doesn't trust them. We can see he's poor as he's out on the streets alone in the snow trying to sell a package. He needs money to get home, but he's a proud one and won't take charity. He's also quite respectful and grateful to Cadence for her help although he's irascible when pushed.
See, two excellent and rounded characters shown within the context of dialogue and action. Best way.
I liked the language, a good balance of dialogue, action and description. The story moved along and the transitions were smooth and convincing. Occasionally a phrase or two felt ponderous mid very good writing. I've offered a few observations and suggestions I hope might help.
A great start.
Suggestions:
thuds of fists landing upon flesh ... there's two things in this phrase that caught my ear; the heaviness of 'thuds of fists' and the relative soft landing of 'landing upon flesh'. May I suggest a better rhythm and more impacting word choice?: thuds of fists (pound)ing (on) flesh
There were a few more thrown punches ... better:
There were a few more punches thrown
Cadence placed her cell phone back in her pocket ... thought this could have been more direct ...
Cadence put her phone away and reached out to the old man. (The key to this sentence is her kindness and that element is overshadowed by mentioning the whole action in detail, and it adds nothing to the story in that form.)
with an Investor ... no need for capitalisation; not a proper noun.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016
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Loved the way you entered this, and equally that final line which invites curiosity and segues well to the next instalment, is a beauty.
There's a wonderful imagery and atmosphere built around this scene. The snow, the warmly clad people, the dark etc all combine to put us in the street, feel the discomfort, and heighten the sense of benevolence offered to the old man by Cadence.
Your characters are introduced to us extremely well. Cadence is a young, female, conscientious school teacher. She reacts like one when confronted with what sounds like mischief (know those kind of statements ... LOL) and she demonstrates the kindness and concern that might well be the hallmark of such a young professional. (Aren't we all a caring lot? Goes with the turf ?)
The old man is hurt but reluctant to seek help from police or medical personnel. He doesn't trust them. We can see he's poor as he's out on the streets alone in the snow trying to sell a package. He needs money to get home, but he's a proud one and won't take charity. He's also quite respectful and grateful to Cadence for her help although he's irascible when pushed.
See, two excellent and rounded characters shown within the context of dialogue and action. Best way.
I liked the language, a good balance of dialogue, action and description. The story moved along and the transitions were smooth and convincing. Occasionally a phrase or two felt ponderous mid very good writing. I've offered a few observations and suggestions I hope might help.
A great start.
Suggestions:
thuds of fists landing upon flesh ... there's two things in this phrase that caught my ear; the heaviness of 'thuds of fists' and the relative soft landing of 'landing upon flesh'. May I suggest a better rhythm and more impacting word choice?: thuds of fists (pound)ing (on) flesh
There were a few more thrown punches ... better:
There were a few more punches thrown
Cadence placed her cell phone back in her pocket ... thought this could have been more direct ...
Cadence put her phone away and reached out to the old man. (The key to this sentence is her kindness and that element is overshadowed by mentioning the whole action in detail, and it adds nothing to the story in that form.)
with an Investor ... no need for capitalisation; not a proper noun.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016
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Thanks so much!! I love the improvements. I didn't like those sections much, either, but wasn't sure a good fix. You nailed them.
I appreciate the very detailed review. You know how much that helps, and not many take the time to do it. I think they think we might be offended, but that's not the case!
Another way you help is that you are an accomplished poet, and you know how to make lines come out with meaning with less words. You feel the poetry of the language, and that's a great help. I spent last year writing poetry to help with that side of my writing, and I think it's helped. But even more help, is a poet reading and reviewing!!!
Thanks so much,
Rhonda
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Poetry certainly helps with parts of prose. It's a wise thing to get into when you do stuff like we're attempting. Really pleased you found it helpful.
Comment from DonandVicki
I have continued to follow your work and I have to confess that I have been learning a lot about grammar just reviewing your work. Thank you.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2016
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I have continued to follow your work and I have to confess that I have been learning a lot about grammar just reviewing your work. Thank you.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2016
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I've learned so much from this site and the reviewers you can't imagine. Just reposting this story, I had to make a lot of changes from last year's work. Funny how that works!
Thanks for reviewing,
Rhonda
Comment from ChefSB
Well this short excerpt is full of fun and mystery. Dialogue is intriguing and keeps to the first encounter small talk we always do.... but why didn't she question the weird c-daddy name? Seems kind of weird to me,but overall I read more!
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2015
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Well this short excerpt is full of fun and mystery. Dialogue is intriguing and keeps to the first encounter small talk we always do.... but why didn't she question the weird c-daddy name? Seems kind of weird to me,but overall I read more!
Comment Written 06-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2015
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The question is posed off and on in the earlier chapters, and continues to be a mystery until the end. Thanks for taking the time to read and review. I have another chapter ready and will post as soon as I get a chance. Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from amahra
I'm so glad to read your new post. Just a few things I'd like to point out. There's a lot of narrating after the dialogue. Some is good and some a little distracting:
"Can you hear me?" She shouted at the large bundle in front of her, shaking him as she called out. {She gently shook the man. "Can you hear me?" she shouted.]
"Oh, my gosh!" She exclaimed, kneeling down instinctively and touching him on the shoulder. "Are you okay?" ["Ohm my gosh!" She knelt and touched him on the shoulder. "Are you okay?"
Theses are just some examples. But I like where the story is going.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
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I'm so glad to read your new post. Just a few things I'd like to point out. There's a lot of narrating after the dialogue. Some is good and some a little distracting:
"Can you hear me?" She shouted at the large bundle in front of her, shaking him as she called out. {She gently shook the man. "Can you hear me?" she shouted.]
"Oh, my gosh!" She exclaimed, kneeling down instinctively and touching him on the shoulder. "Are you okay?" ["Ohm my gosh!" She knelt and touched him on the shoulder. "Are you okay?"
Theses are just some examples. But I like where the story is going.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2015
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Those are some excellent suggestions, thanks. I knew the passages didn't sound exactly right, but wasn't sure how to fix the. I have to go to work, but will look at it this evening. I love your constructive reviews!
Comment from boxergirl
This seems like a good start for your story. Action at the start to catch our attention. Interesting characters and plenty of questions we want answered. 8-)
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2015
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This seems like a good start for your story. Action at the start to catch our attention. Interesting characters and plenty of questions we want answered. 8-)
Comment Written 12-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2015
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Thank you so much, boxergirl! I appreciate you taking the time to read the story. This is my first attempt to post a book, so far I've just done contests, but I think I'll have fun with the book. Again, thanks.
