Rise from the Fall
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Bar Brawl "From one life to another
9 total reviews
Comment from Ricky1024
This chapter entitled,
"Bar Brawl"
Yes, was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2021
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This chapter entitled,
"Bar Brawl"
Yes, was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 27-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2021
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Thanks for taking the time to read my work.
Comment from Zhen Xuan Liu
I love this fiction you wrote! I can see the effort you put into this - the description (details), the dialogues, and the well-embedded conversations.
Good job and keep up the great work!
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2021
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I love this fiction you wrote! I can see the effort you put into this - the description (details), the dialogues, and the well-embedded conversations.
Good job and keep up the great work!
Comment Written 27-Sep-2021
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2021
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Thank you very much, Zhen Xuan Liu. I am glad to hear readers are enjoying my work. It encourages me to keep going.
Comment from Sylvia Page
I read this with much interest and think it has great potential. However, there is much cleaning up to do.
The guests must be (lead/led) with their eyes.
"Iona, Colton I'm glad to see (your/you're) back
"I see you're busy Alexis," Iona says in (a) casual tone,
just to let me know how she dislikes my (presences/ presence).
that her presence (in /is ) mandatory for this event
I finally arrive at (me/my) destination
Giselle wears a cotton long (shelve/sleeved) shirt
"I will assume that she sent you because (your/you are) one of the few people I can tolerate."
"What is it?" Giselle (reply's/ replies) in a slightly (irradiated /irritated) tone at a young slave girl clinging to (remove- a) blue silk fabric in her arms.
Examining it, I see that it leaves the shoulders bare, and the only support appears to be on the back(,) is (a) series of crisscrossed straps.
before I can finish I (fill/felt) her open palm slap me firmly across my face.
Dryly I (reply/replied), "I don't know my lord,"
When I (arrive/arrived) at my door I see that it's (opened/open).
"No not today." He says ushering (her/him) to the chair.
thanking my former teacher for providing me with yet another (lessen/lesson).
"Ah," pulling out a simple ceramic (tin /container) from his sleeve
He then points to (the) green attire sitting on my bed.
Have a great weekend,
Sylvia
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2019
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I read this with much interest and think it has great potential. However, there is much cleaning up to do.
The guests must be (lead/led) with their eyes.
"Iona, Colton I'm glad to see (your/you're) back
"I see you're busy Alexis," Iona says in (a) casual tone,
just to let me know how she dislikes my (presences/ presence).
that her presence (in /is ) mandatory for this event
I finally arrive at (me/my) destination
Giselle wears a cotton long (shelve/sleeved) shirt
"I will assume that she sent you because (your/you are) one of the few people I can tolerate."
"What is it?" Giselle (reply's/ replies) in a slightly (irradiated /irritated) tone at a young slave girl clinging to (remove- a) blue silk fabric in her arms.
Examining it, I see that it leaves the shoulders bare, and the only support appears to be on the back(,) is (a) series of crisscrossed straps.
before I can finish I (fill/felt) her open palm slap me firmly across my face.
Dryly I (reply/replied), "I don't know my lord,"
When I (arrive/arrived) at my door I see that it's (opened/open).
"No not today." He says ushering (her/him) to the chair.
thanking my former teacher for providing me with yet another (lessen/lesson).
"Ah," pulling out a simple ceramic (tin /container) from his sleeve
He then points to (the) green attire sitting on my bed.
Have a great weekend,
Sylvia
Comment Written 20-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2019
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Thank you for the feedback Sylvia Page. Every bit helps.
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My pleasure
Comment from Patty Palmer
A well written post. Interesting enough to want to keep reading, which sometimes happens when a post is too long. I did, however find some misspelled words. You may want to proof read it again. Other than that it stands up great!
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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A well written post. Interesting enough to want to keep reading, which sometimes happens when a post is too long. I did, however find some misspelled words. You may want to proof read it again. Other than that it stands up great!
Comment Written 18-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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I'm glad that I managed to catch your interest Patty Palmer. I hope you will continue to enjoy my work.
Comment from Earl Corp
You don't need to put sighs in parentheses, it can be used after the quotation marks.
I think that whole thing would read smoother like this:
" I'm sorry Iona," he sighed
Rising from his seat, he walked past me.
"It's not going to happen.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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You don't need to put sighs in parentheses, it can be used after the quotation marks.
I think that whole thing would read smoother like this:
" I'm sorry Iona," he sighed
Rising from his seat, he walked past me.
"It's not going to happen.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2019
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Earl Corp thank you for the feed back. I agree with you, this does flow better then I have written it.
Comment from kahpot
A great opening to what could be a wonderful story, it took awhile and a few reads to get a better understanding, I enjoyed it, if I may a couple of things slowed me down a bit, " where it reads"
but were fine in the arena....should this be we're?- walking towards the door passing you in the process gives the reader the impression you are already in the room, which you didn't enter until he had left?- I fill her open palm should this be feel? I look forward to reading more****kahpot
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2019
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A great opening to what could be a wonderful story, it took awhile and a few reads to get a better understanding, I enjoyed it, if I may a couple of things slowed me down a bit, " where it reads"
but were fine in the arena....should this be we're?- walking towards the door passing you in the process gives the reader the impression you are already in the room, which you didn't enter until he had left?- I fill her open palm should this be feel? I look forward to reading more****kahpot
Comment Written 17-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2019
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Glad your enjoying it kahpot. And thank you for the feedback it helps.
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day mate. I don't think I have come across your work on fanstory until now. This is a very well written and presented piece and very easily read. I will have to go and check out the earlier chapters. Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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G'day mate. I don't think I have come across your work on fanstory until now. This is a very well written and presented piece and very easily read. I will have to go and check out the earlier chapters. Cheers Fez
Comment Written 08-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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I'm glad you enjoyed it Feral from Malanda.
Comment from Ndubuisi Onyeacholam
It is a good work: the flow is clear and the characters are are well placed. The grammatical tenses may not be straight in some places though. It is in pure prose form and is preoccupied with facts to facts and the author has a wealth of imagination on his/her side. A good work.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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It is a good work: the flow is clear and the characters are are well placed. The grammatical tenses may not be straight in some places though. It is in pure prose form and is preoccupied with facts to facts and the author has a wealth of imagination on his/her side. A good work.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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Thank you for taking the time to read my work Ndubuisi Onyeacholam. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Phatsoul77
Even though I only rated this with three stars I still have no doubts that this particular writer is a gifted novelist. Great characters and an imagination to boot. Great job.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Even though I only rated this with three stars I still have no doubts that this particular writer is a gifted novelist. Great characters and an imagination to boot. Great job.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Thank you for the kind words Paleface78.
