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Viewing comments for Chapter 65 "Jerry's Back"These are fictional character sketches.
10 total reviews
Comment from Spitfire
LOL. I chuckled at the ending. Seems Jimmy wasn't the only one who didn't like Jerry. A unique idea to switch identity . Sounds like a Twilight Zone plot.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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LOL. I chuckled at the ending. Seems Jimmy wasn't the only one who didn't like Jerry. A unique idea to switch identity . Sounds like a Twilight Zone plot.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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Thank you for giving this a look. I am a Zone fan, and most of the switching and then facing fate shows were written by Rod Serling. He trotted that irony out a number of times.
Comment from robina1978
I loved this story in poem form, It has Couplet rhyme all the way. Hitting with bricks seems a bit cruel. What I really liked was how the characters swabbed places. Then he goes home and feels a chief but Mrs. Hood killed him.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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I loved this story in poem form, It has Couplet rhyme all the way. Hitting with bricks seems a bit cruel. What I really liked was how the characters swabbed places. Then he goes home and feels a chief but Mrs. Hood killed him.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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Thank you, robina, for the terrific review and exceptional rating. Bill
Comment from Dean Kuch
I guess old Jimmy had a bone or two to pick with Jerry -- more specifically Jerry's brain-pan -- then took over his body and his life. Too bad Jimmy Hood's wife had other ideas about the future of their relationship. But hey, it happens.
my favorite stanza (although there were many) was the following:
"Soon he found and was surprised
to see himself through Jimmy's eyes
He had looked better, wasn't well
in fact his brains were beat to hell"
Heh...heh, great work, Bill. A snappy cadence, a great flow and very well rhymed. Not to mention highly entertaining ( have I mentioned that it was entertaining? LOL)...~Dean
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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I guess old Jimmy had a bone or two to pick with Jerry -- more specifically Jerry's brain-pan -- then took over his body and his life. Too bad Jimmy Hood's wife had other ideas about the future of their relationship. But hey, it happens.
my favorite stanza (although there were many) was the following:
"Soon he found and was surprised
to see himself through Jimmy's eyes
He had looked better, wasn't well
in fact his brains were beat to hell"
Heh...heh, great work, Bill. A snappy cadence, a great flow and very well rhymed. Not to mention highly entertaining ( have I mentioned that it was entertaining? LOL)...~Dean
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Thank you, Dean, for taking a look at this. I typically place these in the poetry column, but thought to try this today. Bill
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Albeit it violent, I enjoyed
this unique story in a poem..
cleverly thought out and well
presented, with good rhythm and
rhyme - all in all, most impressive.
Margaret
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Albeit it violent, I enjoyed
this unique story in a poem..
cleverly thought out and well
presented, with good rhythm and
rhyme - all in all, most impressive.
Margaret
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Thank you, Margaret, for taking a look at this. I typically place these in the poetry column, but thought to try this today. Bill
Comment from krys123
Bill; Interesting twist of fate
+ Good use of enjambmentWhich is the running on of a thought and concepts from one stanza and line to the next without a syntactical break.
+ Rhyming couplets used (AABB) where each of the rhyming words were contingent to the meaning and concept of each line this is very important because it made it neither forced nor labored and helpful in the rhythmic flow of the poem.
+ Rhythmic meter (mixed in variables seven and eight syllables per line), cadence, timing, movement and tempo all a very helpful in making the reading fluid, clear and very easy.
+ Near and notable alliteration's:/"Jimmy jumped on Jerry's"/
+ Imagery was outstanding and very clear and distinct and also the meaningfully expressive and demonstratively and very vividly descriptive throughout: "Jerry's body had collapsed his brain had scent its last synapse when suddenly he was aware he floated in the crime scene air". The brutally intense actions In this story within a poem was amplified by the increased imagination of the writer which was very inventive and truly ingeniously creative.
+ Poetic assessment and summary: I enjoyed this rough and intense brutality of Jimmy and Jerry's interaction which was well played out and written in a most poetic way. Actually one would think that this brutality would be very ugly but it was written, in a way, that wasn't that massively ugly but very stoic in nature.
+ Thank you for sharing and posting Bill and may the good Lord be with you always and I hope you had a happy Easter.
Alex
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Bill; Interesting twist of fate
+ Good use of enjambmentWhich is the running on of a thought and concepts from one stanza and line to the next without a syntactical break.
+ Rhyming couplets used (AABB) where each of the rhyming words were contingent to the meaning and concept of each line this is very important because it made it neither forced nor labored and helpful in the rhythmic flow of the poem.
+ Rhythmic meter (mixed in variables seven and eight syllables per line), cadence, timing, movement and tempo all a very helpful in making the reading fluid, clear and very easy.
+ Near and notable alliteration's:/"Jimmy jumped on Jerry's"/
+ Imagery was outstanding and very clear and distinct and also the meaningfully expressive and demonstratively and very vividly descriptive throughout: "Jerry's body had collapsed his brain had scent its last synapse when suddenly he was aware he floated in the crime scene air". The brutally intense actions In this story within a poem was amplified by the increased imagination of the writer which was very inventive and truly ingeniously creative.
+ Poetic assessment and summary: I enjoyed this rough and intense brutality of Jimmy and Jerry's interaction which was well played out and written in a most poetic way. Actually one would think that this brutality would be very ugly but it was written, in a way, that wasn't that massively ugly but very stoic in nature.
+ Thank you for sharing and posting Bill and may the good Lord be with you always and I hope you had a happy Easter.
Alex
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Thank you, Alex, for taking a look at this. I typically place these in the poetry column, but thought to try this today. Bill
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You are so welcome Bill.
Alex
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Bill,
Have to say that I did enjoy this piece of story telling.
Wasn't so much karmic as plain bad luck, and a little odd.
The poetic form for the story gave a nice pace to the piece.
Nice
GMG
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Hi Bill,
Have to say that I did enjoy this piece of story telling.
Wasn't so much karmic as plain bad luck, and a little odd.
The poetic form for the story gave a nice pace to the piece.
Nice
GMG
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Thank you, GMG, for taking a look at this. Bill
Comment from A TARNISHED KNIGHT
The dark side of Mr Bill emerges... And emerged with rhythm and rhyme to boot. This, though a bit gory, was quite entertaining in a sadistic kind of way. It flowed perfectly and almost made one forget just how sick you are. Just kidding about the sick thing or maybe I'm not hehehe lol
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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The dark side of Mr Bill emerges... And emerged with rhythm and rhyme to boot. This, though a bit gory, was quite entertaining in a sadistic kind of way. It flowed perfectly and almost made one forget just how sick you are. Just kidding about the sick thing or maybe I'm not hehehe lol
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Thank you, ATK, for taking a look at this. I typically place these in the poetry column, but thought to try this today. Bill
Comment from BreeVree
Love this! It's all so practical.
I like the use of rhyme, and the rhythm of the piece is good. There is nowhere that I read where the rhythm didn't work for me.
And the final line is a doozy :-)
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Love this! It's all so practical.
I like the use of rhyme, and the rhythm of the piece is good. There is nowhere that I read where the rhythm didn't work for me.
And the final line is a doozy :-)
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Thank you, BreeVree, for taking a look at this. Bill
Comment from DictionaryGirl
Ok couple of things, I really liked this as a poem I liked the flow and all of that poem-y stuff and I really liked the twist! However have you thought about developing this into a short story? I love it how it is now, but I think it would be interesting to see it as a full story and be able to compare the two!
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Ok couple of things, I really liked this as a poem I liked the flow and all of that poem-y stuff and I really liked the twist! However have you thought about developing this into a short story? I love it how it is now, but I think it would be interesting to see it as a full story and be able to compare the two!
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Thank you, DG, for taking a look at this. I typically place these in the poetry column, but thought to try this today. Bill
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Yikes Bill, this has a tormented dark side LOL - great read though with solid flowing lines and rhymes that work well to keep it moving. Great job on it.
Thanks for sharing,
Maureen
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Yikes Bill, this has a tormented dark side LOL - great read though with solid flowing lines and rhymes that work well to keep it moving. Great job on it.
Thanks for sharing,
Maureen
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Thank you, Maureen, for taking a look at this. I typically place these in the poetry column, but thought to try this today. Bill
