Dark Covenant
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Blood Moon/Part 1"The Berwick Witches Series: Book One
27 total reviews
Comment from jaeladarling
Boy, that was hard to read. I can imagine it'll only get "better". :p Poor kid.
Can't wait for the next chapter. I've gotta get going, so I'll have to stop there for now. Interesting reading! Keep it up. :)
A few suggestions:
"his pals, Mike, played first base, and Todd was its star pitcher." ("his pal Mike played first base, and Todd was the star pitcher.")
"on the mound, and then did" (No comma)
"gave nod of approval" (Add "a" after "gave")
"and then a one hand catch" ("one-hand catch")
"Mrs. Sooner hopped up and down--her blonde ponytail whipping about, and the Cub bench" ("Mrs. Sooner hopped up and down, her blonde ponytail whipping about, and the Cub bench" OR "Mrs. Sooner hopped up and down; her blonde ponytail whipped about, and the Cub bench")
"out earlier; so, the" ("out earlier, so the")
"Todd, looking more seriously" (Change "seriously" to "serious")
"Perhaps, he just wanted" (No comma)
"Actually when the bullet" (Comma after "Actually")
"a quick agonizing death." (Comma after "quick")
"in a sleeper hold, and carried" (No comma)
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2015
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Boy, that was hard to read. I can imagine it'll only get "better". :p Poor kid.
Can't wait for the next chapter. I've gotta get going, so I'll have to stop there for now. Interesting reading! Keep it up. :)
A few suggestions:
"his pals, Mike, played first base, and Todd was its star pitcher." ("his pal Mike played first base, and Todd was the star pitcher.")
"on the mound, and then did" (No comma)
"gave nod of approval" (Add "a" after "gave")
"and then a one hand catch" ("one-hand catch")
"Mrs. Sooner hopped up and down--her blonde ponytail whipping about, and the Cub bench" ("Mrs. Sooner hopped up and down, her blonde ponytail whipping about, and the Cub bench" OR "Mrs. Sooner hopped up and down; her blonde ponytail whipped about, and the Cub bench")
"out earlier; so, the" ("out earlier, so the")
"Todd, looking more seriously" (Change "seriously" to "serious")
"Perhaps, he just wanted" (No comma)
"Actually when the bullet" (Comma after "Actually")
"a quick agonizing death." (Comma after "quick")
"in a sleeper hold, and carried" (No comma)
Comment Written 29-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2015
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Thank you for going back and reading; and for comma corrections.
Comment from michaelcahill
A perfect beginning to this posting. You capture the small town feel and lull the reader in as they enjoy the simple pleasures of a remembered past.
Then you transition to the distraught family searching for their son. This works because you set it up with such great expertise. There's no moment of confusion for the reader and that is exceptional.
True too in the next scene where we immediately understand the amount of time passing and fill in the probable happenings in between.
Thank God you're not posting a chapter a day. Hahaha. mikey
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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A perfect beginning to this posting. You capture the small town feel and lull the reader in as they enjoy the simple pleasures of a remembered past.
Then you transition to the distraught family searching for their son. This works because you set it up with such great expertise. There's no moment of confusion for the reader and that is exceptional.
True too in the next scene where we immediately understand the amount of time passing and fill in the probable happenings in between.
Thank God you're not posting a chapter a day. Hahaha. mikey
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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A chapter a day. No way. Thanks again for going back.
Comment from cbat
You have a good story, I love the fantasy of shape shifters and witches etc.
I look forward To reading the next chapter.
I hope you keep writing!
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2015
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You have a good story, I love the fantasy of shape shifters and witches etc.
I look forward To reading the next chapter.
I hope you keep writing!
Comment Written 17-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2015
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Bryana
Since I haven't read other chapters I didn't understand every
thing. The boy was taken to some strange place, I felt sorry
for the parents and the people looking for him.
This was different for me, but the story captured my attention
from the beginning.
I'm curious now and will be waiting for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2015
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Since I haven't read other chapters I didn't understand every
thing. The boy was taken to some strange place, I felt sorry
for the parents and the people looking for him.
This was different for me, but the story captured my attention
from the beginning.
I'm curious now and will be waiting for the next chapter.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2015
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Thank you, Bryana. What a pretty name. Smile
Comment from Ulla
Well, I like your writing and I followed the story easily enough, although I have only read very few of your chapters. I am not really into the supernatural, but you have me hooked now, and I want to read on. Ulla
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015
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Well, I like your writing and I followed the story easily enough, although I have only read very few of your chapters. I am not really into the supernatural, but you have me hooked now, and I want to read on. Ulla
Comment Written 01-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015
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Thank you, Ulla.
Comment from Zaphod
Very good stuff here. I was able to really get into it without needing to much background. A good story can be like that. I only found a couple of things on my go through:
Mid April marked the beginning... {I believe that you should hyphenate Mid-April.}
"and then the wind up and the pitch; the ball barely made the pitcher's glove." {Confusion on my part, do you mean catcher's glove? If so, or not, I would reword for clarity.}
"Aah, Man. This is too weird. {Don't think the M should be capitalized.}
Other than these few thing, great story. Keep it up.
Z
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015
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Very good stuff here. I was able to really get into it without needing to much background. A good story can be like that. I only found a couple of things on my go through:
Mid April marked the beginning... {I believe that you should hyphenate Mid-April.}
"and then the wind up and the pitch; the ball barely made the pitcher's glove." {Confusion on my part, do you mean catcher's glove? If so, or not, I would reword for clarity.}
"Aah, Man. This is too weird. {Don't think the M should be capitalized.}
Other than these few thing, great story. Keep it up.
Z
Comment Written 01-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015
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Thank you, Z. Twenty-one reviews and you're the only one to catch that. And you know, Z ... I had Mid-April and a reviewer told me to change it.
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Well, I looked it up on Grammar Book dot com and this is what they said:
Hyphens with Prefixes and Suffixes
Rule 1. Hyphenate prefixes when they come before proper nouns or proper adjectives.
Examples:
trans-American
mid-July
This appears to be the correct way. I also asked my father and he concurred.
Z
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Oh, I never doubted you, Z; in fact, I changed it immediately after reading you. I should have looked it up the way you had.
Comment from Sis Cat
This was actually quite good. I am impressed because I usually do not read this genre. I love you opening scene of the mundane little league baseball game turned sinister with the kidnapping of the Russell Sooner. I enjoy the matter of fact way the townspeople talk about werewolves and witches. You have a cliffhanger ending that makes me want to read more, "Beatrice, it's time," Jewel commanded. "Prepare the child."
Thank you for daring.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015
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This was actually quite good. I am impressed because I usually do not read this genre. I love you opening scene of the mundane little league baseball game turned sinister with the kidnapping of the Russell Sooner. I enjoy the matter of fact way the townspeople talk about werewolves and witches. You have a cliffhanger ending that makes me want to read more, "Beatrice, it's time," Jewel commanded. "Prepare the child."
Thank you for daring.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2015
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Thank you, Sis Cat for this encouraging review.
Comment from thee-name
Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was interesting.
Mid April marked the beginning of Little League in Sheerfield City.
"Beatrice, it's time." Jewel commanded. "Prepare the child."
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
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Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was interesting.
Mid April marked the beginning of Little League in Sheerfield City.
"Beatrice, it's time." Jewel commanded. "Prepare the child."
Comment Written 31-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
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Thank you very much.
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thank you!
Comment from Mara del Mar
A fascinating episode of werewolves. I do not think that silver nitrate to goes destroy the werewolves, neither that the blood of a child goes to remove his (condition/curse?) Is the first chapter that I read, I have that to read more. Really well done!
Mara
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
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A fascinating episode of werewolves. I do not think that silver nitrate to goes destroy the werewolves, neither that the blood of a child goes to remove his (condition/curse?) Is the first chapter that I read, I have that to read more. Really well done!
Mara
Comment Written 31-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
Thank you very much, Mara.
Comment from forestport12
"The smell from the wound choked the air." A simple, yet powerful sensory description. Loved how you set the mood and tone for this. The baseball field the darkening shadows, the ball in the sky, barely discernible. Someone is missing, things lurk in the woods. Love it. Nice painting with words, most of all creating a sense of jeopardy.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
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"The smell from the wound choked the air." A simple, yet powerful sensory description. Loved how you set the mood and tone for this. The baseball field the darkening shadows, the ball in the sky, barely discernible. Someone is missing, things lurk in the woods. Love it. Nice painting with words, most of all creating a sense of jeopardy.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2015
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Thank you so much. I've missed you. I'm glad you liked.
