Let's Talk Dirty!
Viewing comments for Chapter 58 "Saint Valentines Part Three"The story about three women who need to make money
16 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
Oh my gosh, the possibilities of slapstick physical comedy for this if it ever went to film are great!
This chapter is a load of fun. I know I'm slower than a lot of people, I couldn't quite keep up the thread of the two tables getting mixed up. I'd have to reread it to try and sort it. That's not unusual for me. I got the total gist, just slow on the mechanics.
I also fully expected Tanya to be wearing the dessert, with her determination to take it!!! Or for her and the boyfriend to start fighting over her comment about not liking to have the same dessert as him. :-)
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2015
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Oh my gosh, the possibilities of slapstick physical comedy for this if it ever went to film are great!
This chapter is a load of fun. I know I'm slower than a lot of people, I couldn't quite keep up the thread of the two tables getting mixed up. I'd have to reread it to try and sort it. That's not unusual for me. I got the total gist, just slow on the mechanics.
I also fully expected Tanya to be wearing the dessert, with her determination to take it!!! Or for her and the boyfriend to start fighting over her comment about not liking to have the same dessert as him. :-)
Comment Written 21-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2015
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I'm glad you enjoyed it, Sue. I must admit it was fun to write, although the logistics were quite taxing. I saw it as a scene in my head, and I'm delighted that's how you saw it too! Alexis xxx
Comment from Cat of Letters
Hi
In short this is a great chapter, and has huge potential to be a total riot. But it needs a rewrite to make it stand out. It is so/so as it stands. It can be made much better by you.
Corrections:
From last chapter:
It is joie de vivre and apparently you do not need to use italics as this is now accepted in common use in English.
This chapter:
Plural is as in French:
crepes Suzette
the hopeful fiancees. This does not work. The would be orpotential fiancees.
comma, in the first place
OK - who did Laura take the rings from, at this point in the tale? If it is from men they are fiances (m), not fiancees (f) . The accent is needed, as you out it, in either case.
blonde haired girl
girl - blonde boy - blond
___
The look on her boyfriend's face was priceless. Do better than this. Describe it. Her boyfriend paled, his hand shot across the table nearly knocking over her wine glass. He seized her wrist 'But Tanya! You love . . Something like this.
Tanya was not to be deterred.
Strengthen the scene in this area.
(This is bloody funny. 'You give this to the other lady. . ." etc. Lol! So you want to spend some time on it and make it zing.)
quivering wreck, again too trite.
was pulling it towards her - pulled it towards her
The two women do not know the rings are in the desserts, so they would not think they found the wrong one?
This is great stuff, but as yet it is almost in rough draft.
The sneeze idea is a wonderful solution.
__
It is great, but it needs to be put into a top draft version.
Alison
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Hi
In short this is a great chapter, and has huge potential to be a total riot. But it needs a rewrite to make it stand out. It is so/so as it stands. It can be made much better by you.
Corrections:
From last chapter:
It is joie de vivre and apparently you do not need to use italics as this is now accepted in common use in English.
This chapter:
Plural is as in French:
crepes Suzette
the hopeful fiancees. This does not work. The would be orpotential fiancees.
comma, in the first place
OK - who did Laura take the rings from, at this point in the tale? If it is from men they are fiances (m), not fiancees (f) . The accent is needed, as you out it, in either case.
blonde haired girl
girl - blonde boy - blond
___
The look on her boyfriend's face was priceless. Do better than this. Describe it. Her boyfriend paled, his hand shot across the table nearly knocking over her wine glass. He seized her wrist 'But Tanya! You love . . Something like this.
Tanya was not to be deterred.
Strengthen the scene in this area.
(This is bloody funny. 'You give this to the other lady. . ." etc. Lol! So you want to spend some time on it and make it zing.)
quivering wreck, again too trite.
was pulling it towards her - pulled it towards her
The two women do not know the rings are in the desserts, so they would not think they found the wrong one?
This is great stuff, but as yet it is almost in rough draft.
The sneeze idea is a wonderful solution.
__
It is great, but it needs to be put into a top draft version.
Alison
Comment Written 20-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Hi Alison. I think I've got them all! I can't thank you enough for all the help you give me. As you know, I never feel happy with a chapter until you've checked it out. Rightly so! Alexis xxx
Comment from Walu Feral
Hahahaha! G'day Alexis, I just love that woman. The one that thought she wouldn't be as good as the others on the chatline and did it so well and now this. Can I have that dessert with the snot please? A little bit of snot never hurt anyone LOL. Great job mate, cheers Fez
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2015
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Hahahaha! G'day Alexis, I just love that woman. The one that thought she wouldn't be as good as the others on the chatline and did it so well and now this. Can I have that dessert with the snot please? A little bit of snot never hurt anyone LOL. Great job mate, cheers Fez
Comment Written 19-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2015
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Laura is certainly getting her confidence back, that's for sure! The next few chapters will prove just how much... Alexis x
Comment from rwilliam
Bwahahahahahaha I loved the way you did this. Even better than I thought it would be! SO creative girl!
Great job. Didn't see any fixes. Hallelujah huh? :-P
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2015
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Bwahahahahahaha I loved the way you did this. Even better than I thought it would be! SO creative girl!
Great job. Didn't see any fixes. Hallelujah huh? :-P
Comment Written 18-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2015
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Yah! So glad you liked it! So much to rewrite now I'm over 75,000 words. Every one is precious! Alexis x
Comment from Spitfire
What a neat solution! Who want a dessert that someone has sneezed on. Although I'm dubious about bringing up snot!
This would be an hilarious scene in a movie or play.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2015
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What a neat solution! Who want a dessert that someone has sneezed on. Although I'm dubious about bringing up snot!
This would be an hilarious scene in a movie or play.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2015
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That's exactly as I saw it when I wrote it. I'm more interested in this for the screen than as a book, so your comment was really encouraging. Alexis x
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
So now I guess they'll get it right. Looks like I logged on just in time to save the day. LOL! I want to hear what the women said when they found the rings! :)
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2015
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So now I guess they'll get it right. Looks like I logged on just in time to save the day. LOL! I want to hear what the women said when they found the rings! :)
Comment Written 18-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2015
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That will be left to your imagination, I'm afraid. Thank goodness you were back in the Nick of time. Loving your sense of humour! Alexis x
Comment from MelB
Laura is so quick on her feet. Perfect idea. No one wants food that has been sneezed on. The boyfriend probably was really sweating that one. Wait till Karen hears that incident. Nice smooth, solid chapter.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
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Laura is so quick on her feet. Perfect idea. No one wants food that has been sneezed on. The boyfriend probably was really sweating that one. Wait till Karen hears that incident. Nice smooth, solid chapter.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
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I spent hours trying to work out the best way to stop the tug-of-war with the woman at the table, and this was the only answer I came up with! Alexis x
Comment from madhatter1977
This is an excellent and humorous chapter, Alexis! A total mess in the characters' work life balanced by humor from start to finish. You know how to make readers' cringe and want to know more! Very well done, Pete :)
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
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This is an excellent and humorous chapter, Alexis! A total mess in the characters' work life balanced by humor from start to finish. You know how to make readers' cringe and want to know more! Very well done, Pete :)
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
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Thank you, Pete. I'm just glad to get this chapter over and back to the story. Thank you again for your continued reviews and support. Alexis
Comment from Cindy Warren
I think you handled that perfectly. It would be tempting to create more drama here, but that's not what the book is about. You can't let things go too perfectly for obvious reasons, but you don't want to get too far from the plot.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
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I think you handled that perfectly. It would be tempting to create more drama here, but that's not what the book is about. You can't let things go too perfectly for obvious reasons, but you don't want to get too far from the plot.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
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You are so right! I have to remember each post isn't an individual story, but part of a whole. Only 15,000 words out of 90,000 to post. Phew! Alexis x
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
LOL, that was brilliant! Sneezing all over the sweet, lovely! She couldn't have come up with a better excuse if she'd tried! I thought it was going to work out for the best when they wanted to swap, but you were right, they would think the ring was for the other lady. Oh dear, but it looks as if it will all be okay in the next page. Excellent, Alexis! xsx Sandra.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
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LOL, that was brilliant! Sneezing all over the sweet, lovely! She couldn't have come up with a better excuse if she'd tried! I thought it was going to work out for the best when they wanted to swap, but you were right, they would think the ring was for the other lady. Oh dear, but it looks as if it will all be okay in the next page. Excellent, Alexis! xsx Sandra.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
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It was either that, or spilling the woman's drink over her desert. Risky, because it might have gone on her clothes and ruin Karen's debut event. Phew, now back to the story! Alexis x
