Dark Covenant
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "The Missing Link"The Berwick Witches Series: Book One
17 total reviews
Comment from jaeladarling
Good grief, I've got some catching up to do! I let myself get caught up in my "real" jobs.
Anyway! Great chapter. Creepy for sure, but a good read! :) Poor Sooner has actual monsters in the dark. Wonder how this will play out. Looking forward to the next chapter!
A few suggestions:
"perhaps, stalking him." (No comma)
"whatever it was, had vanished." (No comma)
"He tipped around the room--his puppy brown eyes scanning" ("He tipped around the room, his puppy brown eyes scanning" OR "He tipped around the room; his puppy brown eyes scanned". I think also you meant "tiptoed" instead of "tipped".)
"on one foot having landed" (Comma after "foot")
"and messaged his twisted ankle" ("massaged" instead of "messaged")
"I'm afraid, I did that." (No comma)
"Right Matt?" (Comma after "Right")
"He limped along making a pain-face with every hop." (Comma after "along")
"Russell Sooner's days as a normal little boy was about" (Change "was" to "were")
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2015
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Good grief, I've got some catching up to do! I let myself get caught up in my "real" jobs.
Anyway! Great chapter. Creepy for sure, but a good read! :) Poor Sooner has actual monsters in the dark. Wonder how this will play out. Looking forward to the next chapter!
A few suggestions:
"perhaps, stalking him." (No comma)
"whatever it was, had vanished." (No comma)
"He tipped around the room--his puppy brown eyes scanning" ("He tipped around the room, his puppy brown eyes scanning" OR "He tipped around the room; his puppy brown eyes scanned". I think also you meant "tiptoed" instead of "tipped".)
"on one foot having landed" (Comma after "foot")
"and messaged his twisted ankle" ("massaged" instead of "messaged")
"I'm afraid, I did that." (No comma)
"Right Matt?" (Comma after "Right")
"He limped along making a pain-face with every hop." (Comma after "along")
"Russell Sooner's days as a normal little boy was about" (Change "was" to "were")
Comment Written 29-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2015
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Again, thank you. Will make corrections.
Comment from Sonaleeka
Awesome writing.I enjoy every piece of it ..Definitely Enjoyable read ,easy to connect with charters.Keep writing my friend.
God bless!
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2015
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Awesome writing.I enjoy every piece of it ..Definitely Enjoyable read ,easy to connect with charters.Keep writing my friend.
God bless!
Comment Written 19-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2015
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than you.
Comment from michaelcahill
A great depiction of grief at the beginning. I love how you used the child's perspective to trigger the adults deeper emotions. Everyone tried to maintain composure while a few around them fell apart.
Someone is going to notice that ear, and then what? :))
That ten year old is going to be a bigger problem then anyone imagines I bet!!
I still LOVE how they end up having a BBQ like normal folk, that adds so much to the realism.
Hey, I'm kind of on time!!! mikey
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
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A great depiction of grief at the beginning. I love how you used the child's perspective to trigger the adults deeper emotions. Everyone tried to maintain composure while a few around them fell apart.
Someone is going to notice that ear, and then what? :))
That ten year old is going to be a bigger problem then anyone imagines I bet!!
I still LOVE how they end up having a BBQ like normal folk, that adds so much to the realism.
Hey, I'm kind of on time!!! mikey
Comment Written 18-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2015
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Well. you told me to remind you. LOL! Thank you so much, Mike.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Oh boy, Harriett, dear. You have me on the edge of my seat. Not that poor little boy ... oh no!
Sonali
flag lined the front of the sanctuary(, a)nd a
(T)he child's question sent Wayne over the edge ... (BUT is not necessary here. Try to avoid beginning a sentence with And, But, etc.)
The deceased loved ones had insisted that the service .. how about .. the bereaved loved ones ... deceased indicates that the loved ones are dead
Wayne's eyes scanned (remove 'over') the many family pictures that
He was the only child (of) Tray and Caroline Sooner.
"Yes(,) Aunt Jewel," he said, tightening his jaw
If Matthew's expression (of deep thought) was any indication
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
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Oh boy, Harriett, dear. You have me on the edge of my seat. Not that poor little boy ... oh no!
Sonali
flag lined the front of the sanctuary(, a)nd a
(T)he child's question sent Wayne over the edge ... (BUT is not necessary here. Try to avoid beginning a sentence with And, But, etc.)
The deceased loved ones had insisted that the service .. how about .. the bereaved loved ones ... deceased indicates that the loved ones are dead
Wayne's eyes scanned (remove 'over') the many family pictures that
He was the only child (of) Tray and Caroline Sooner.
"Yes(,) Aunt Jewel," he said, tightening his jaw
If Matthew's expression (of deep thought) was any indication
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
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Thank you, my dear. I'll get right on these changes.
Comment from marijmd
A touching beginning - children never understand the impact that death has - while everyone else is reeling from loss.
Ha ha so the kids outmaneuvering Matt eh?
I like the you're a werewolf! line ha ha
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
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A touching beginning - children never understand the impact that death has - while everyone else is reeling from loss.
Ha ha so the kids outmaneuvering Matt eh?
I like the you're a werewolf! line ha ha
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
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Thank you so much, marijmd.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
So Matt's confident he can get the
ten year old boy. Everyone seems
to be having a good time - drinking
and laughing.
One very minor thing:
Star-blue eyes -- stars look silvery - might you
consider - sky-blue
Margaret
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
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So Matt's confident he can get the
ten year old boy. Everyone seems
to be having a good time - drinking
and laughing.
One very minor thing:
Star-blue eyes -- stars look silvery - might you
consider - sky-blue
Margaret
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
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Thank you, Margaret for reading. You're right; I kept struggling with star-blue. I'll change it. Also, you haven't read previous chapters explaining what will happen to the boy. I'll send you a private message.
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Thanks, Amahra. M
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi amahra,
Hmm, so the 'ingredient' they need is a ten year old boy, but not just 'any' boy, it has to be the Sooner boy. That could be tricky and it could get messy, especially if the Sherif's people find the Shadow Hunters ... Or get clever and spot the man with a missing bit from his ear!
Good chapter, these werewolves have a problem OK.
Patrick
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
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Hi amahra,
Hmm, so the 'ingredient' they need is a ten year old boy, but not just 'any' boy, it has to be the Sooner boy. That could be tricky and it could get messy, especially if the Sherif's people find the Shadow Hunters ... Or get clever and spot the man with a missing bit from his ear!
Good chapter, these werewolves have a problem OK.
Patrick
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
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Thank you, Patrick. So glad you're sticking with the book. And thank you for the stars.
Comment from thee-name
Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was interesting.
As Illinois state police tried desperately to control the media frenzy outside of Saint Paul's Church of the Dominions, hundreds of mourners packed its pews.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
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Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was interesting.
As Illinois state police tried desperately to control the media frenzy outside of Saint Paul's Church of the Dominions, hundreds of mourners packed its pews.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
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Than you very much.
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thank you!
Comment from Mastery
Hello, Harriett. You are one fine writer. Your snapshot images are so real. I love them..like:
"But the child's question sent Wayne over the edge; he shot up from his seat and hurried off to the men's room where he locked himself in a stall. His gut cry shook his body so, that he struggled to catch each small breath.
And: "Matthew glanced over at Rick and said nothing. He looked around as if to gather his thoughts so he could speak. Before he could, Rick blurted... "I had to, Matt. They were talking about taking Raymond out and shooting him. I ... I had to tell them it wasn't just him.
"Superb dialogue too, Harriett: ""What the hell, Matt? And what's with that limp?"
"Look, the kid's not stupid. I think he suspects something. I just need a better element of surprise."
Bravo! Great writing as usual. Bob
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
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Hello, Harriett. You are one fine writer. Your snapshot images are so real. I love them..like:
"But the child's question sent Wayne over the edge; he shot up from his seat and hurried off to the men's room where he locked himself in a stall. His gut cry shook his body so, that he struggled to catch each small breath.
And: "Matthew glanced over at Rick and said nothing. He looked around as if to gather his thoughts so he could speak. Before he could, Rick blurted... "I had to, Matt. They were talking about taking Raymond out and shooting him. I ... I had to tell them it wasn't just him.
"Superb dialogue too, Harriett: ""What the hell, Matt? And what's with that limp?"
"Look, the kid's not stupid. I think he suspects something. I just need a better element of surprise."
Bravo! Great writing as usual. Bob
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
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Thank you, Bob. I could not have developed as a good writer without the help of excellent writers on this site; and you, my dear, in particular. God bless you.
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You are a very gifted writer, Harriett. :) Bob
Comment from royowen
If he bites the boy, doesn't the boy turn into a werewolf!? The battle of the hunters and there plan to kill the werewolves backfired badly, Matthew is trying to get the blood from the little boy so Jewel can complete the necessary ingredients for the spell she needs to set, well done. Amahra, with the great writing, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
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If he bites the boy, doesn't the boy turn into a werewolf!? The battle of the hunters and there plan to kill the werewolves backfired badly, Matthew is trying to get the blood from the little boy so Jewel can complete the necessary ingredients for the spell she needs to set, well done. Amahra, with the great writing, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 17-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2015
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Thank you so much, Roy. Blessings to you, also.
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Most welcome.
