Reflections Of Color
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "The Old Man"A collection of my All-Time Best rated song lyrics
38 total reviews
Comment from Pantygynt
And this will probably gain a well-deserved place among your all time bests as well. It's another well crafted lyric and I still hope one day to here that some CM star has turned them into the music we all love.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2015
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And this will probably gain a well-deserved place among your all time bests as well. It's another well crafted lyric and I still hope one day to here that some CM star has turned them into the music we all love.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2015
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Thank you for your comments and support. It is people like you who are making this site so enjoyable for an ole Country Music Songwriter like me. Appreciate it very much.
Comment from artemis53
Wonderful piece of remembrance and a child's struggle to relate only completed by adulthood and it's wisdom. There were a few bumps along the way but the content was endearing.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2015
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Wonderful piece of remembrance and a child's struggle to relate only completed by adulthood and it's wisdom. There were a few bumps along the way but the content was endearing.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2015
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Thank you for your comments and support as always.
Comment from Ridley Williams
Hello Brett,
Well, you've got my attention so here goes:
This is a wonderful tribute to the brave men that have protected our country and allow us the freedom we enjoy today and I appreciate the solid imagery you use.
However, your meter wanders from six syllables to eight which makes for a rough read and takes away from the splendid message.
It has been expressed to me, on site, that a rhyming poem should establish a constant meter for the reader to follow in the first quatrain.
The closest quatrain you have that follows a steady meter is the sixth one with a 7/7/8/7 count but if you drop the "but" in line three it blends to a 7/7/7/7, the multi-syllable word "falling" in line two, needs to be re-positioned to improve the flow.
Maybe if this piece was put to music you could make it sound better than it reads. I used to write music and know it doesn't necessarily matter as to syllable count per line as you can hold a note for the right amount of beats to even the flow.
If you would like some help re-setting the meter and flow in this piece, let me know.
If you are happy with it as is...more power to you.
Hope you have a great day, Bill
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Hello Brett,
Well, you've got my attention so here goes:
This is a wonderful tribute to the brave men that have protected our country and allow us the freedom we enjoy today and I appreciate the solid imagery you use.
However, your meter wanders from six syllables to eight which makes for a rough read and takes away from the splendid message.
It has been expressed to me, on site, that a rhyming poem should establish a constant meter for the reader to follow in the first quatrain.
The closest quatrain you have that follows a steady meter is the sixth one with a 7/7/8/7 count but if you drop the "but" in line three it blends to a 7/7/7/7, the multi-syllable word "falling" in line two, needs to be re-positioned to improve the flow.
Maybe if this piece was put to music you could make it sound better than it reads. I used to write music and know it doesn't necessarily matter as to syllable count per line as you can hold a note for the right amount of beats to even the flow.
If you would like some help re-setting the meter and flow in this piece, let me know.
If you are happy with it as is...more power to you.
Hope you have a great day, Bill
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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I always have a great day writing. Thanks for your comments and support. Really do appreciate them very much indeed.
Comment from valerieellis
Excellent!! I love this beautiful tribute! I have several veterans in my family and many more friends who also served in the military. I do not take their sacrifices for granted (or my freedom). Thank you for sharing. God bless :)
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Excellent!! I love this beautiful tribute! I have several veterans in my family and many more friends who also served in the military. I do not take their sacrifices for granted (or my freedom). Thank you for sharing. God bless :)
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Thank you for your comments and support. No Veterans should be taken for granted.
Comment from Alan K Pease
This is truly a ballad to veterans everywhere where one man or many make the great sacrifice to keep us free. I have given to the Wounded Warrior Project in the U.S. and War Amps in Canada. I am a Canadian-American and am proud of my heritage.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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This is truly a ballad to veterans everywhere where one man or many make the great sacrifice to keep us free. I have given to the Wounded Warrior Project in the U.S. and War Amps in Canada. I am a Canadian-American and am proud of my heritage.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Thank you for your comments and support. And thank you for giving to Wounded Warrior. That is important for Veterans. Appreciate it very much.
Comment from skye
It took them all, old, young, and put them in harm's way.
Your poem takes a look from the perspective of one left at home, growing up without a normal family, because of the sacrifice made in freedom's name.
Excellent.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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It took them all, old, young, and put them in harm's way.
Your poem takes a look from the perspective of one left at home, growing up without a normal family, because of the sacrifice made in freedom's name.
Excellent.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Thank you for your comments and support. Appreciate them very much.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
This is a great rendition of the sacrifice made by the men & women in war and at home. Good job on the rhyme. The flow was very good. Thanks for sharing. I see no changes.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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This is a great rendition of the sacrifice made by the men & women in war and at home. Good job on the rhyme. The flow was very good. Thanks for sharing. I see no changes.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Thank you for your comments and support. Appreciate them very much.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Hello again, Brett...
My, my, we've been a very busy writer here lately, haven't we? Or perhaps you're like me and have a cache of poetry and prose stored up to spring upon your appreciate readers. No matter...
You might wish to shorten this line, as it threw the nice rhythm off for me up until that point...
"...when she told me about the old man."--------- Please consider, ...when she spoke of the old man."
There were a few other lines afterward that read a bit "clunky" to me, but nothing major. It's a well-told and oft-told tale about love, sacrifice, and doing one's duty -- no matter the personal cost.
All in all, a very noble effort -- very patriotic.
Well done...~Dean
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Hello again, Brett...
My, my, we've been a very busy writer here lately, haven't we? Or perhaps you're like me and have a cache of poetry and prose stored up to spring upon your appreciate readers. No matter...
You might wish to shorten this line, as it threw the nice rhythm off for me up until that point...
"...when she told me about the old man."--------- Please consider, ...when she spoke of the old man."
There were a few other lines afterward that read a bit "clunky" to me, but nothing major. It's a well-told and oft-told tale about love, sacrifice, and doing one's duty -- no matter the personal cost.
All in all, a very noble effort -- very patriotic.
Well done...~Dean
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Thanks once again for your comments and encouragement. Appreciate them very much.
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Anytime...
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Brett...
Awesome write and tribute to all who serve.
Thank you for your service to our country.
In July, my son, a Master Chief in the Navy, will celebrate '28' years in service. We are truly blessed he has remained out of harms way.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Hi, Brett...
Awesome write and tribute to all who serve.
Thank you for your service to our country.
In July, my son, a Master Chief in the Navy, will celebrate '28' years in service. We are truly blessed he has remained out of harms way.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Thanks for your continued support and comments. Appreciate them very much.
Comment from Phoenix8
Another set of incredible lyrics. This is hauntingly beautiful demonstrating the sacrifice our soldiers make for America. I love the fact that this was on the son's point of view and that you described the mother's reaction when she got the call.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Another set of incredible lyrics. This is hauntingly beautiful demonstrating the sacrifice our soldiers make for America. I love the fact that this was on the son's point of view and that you described the mother's reaction when she got the call.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2015
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Thank you for your continued support and comments. Appreciate them very much indeed.
