Haibun (the sun continues)
word count 17525 total reviews
Comment from Nosha17
Creatively written piece of Sci-fi prose, interspersed with pertinently worded verse. Dramatic imagery of destruction and end of world scenario. Good luck in the contest. Faye
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Creatively written piece of Sci-fi prose, interspersed with pertinently worded verse. Dramatic imagery of destruction and end of world scenario. Good luck in the contest. Faye
Comment Written 06-Mar-2015
Comment from ravenblack
very unique take on this contest. one thing is for sure, if this ever comes to pass the earth will not miss us. have you seen The Kingsmen? excellent movie. anyway, the villain speculates that humanity is a virus, global warming earth with a fever. good luck in the contest.
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very unique take on this contest. one thing is for sure, if this ever comes to pass the earth will not miss us. have you seen The Kingsmen? excellent movie. anyway, the villain speculates that humanity is a virus, global warming earth with a fever. good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2015
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Wow, Mikey. Depressing enough? Where do you get these ideas? I have to wonder why the man was smashing the chambers, since he died too, so he's not an enemy. Perhaps to speed the inevitable?
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Wow, Mikey. Depressing enough? Where do you get these ideas? I have to wonder why the man was smashing the chambers, since he died too, so he's not an enemy. Perhaps to speed the inevitable?
Comment Written 04-Mar-2015
Comment from Tatarka2
This was very effective, and it did seem to me to fulfill all of the requirements of this difficult task, which I commend you for undertaking. It wasn't my personal favorite of your works, though. I think it was just too fantastical for me, although I did like the metaphor of the spinning earth and the reflections/daydreams of the pregnant woman.
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This was very effective, and it did seem to me to fulfill all of the requirements of this difficult task, which I commend you for undertaking. It wasn't my personal favorite of your works, though. I think it was just too fantastical for me, although I did like the metaphor of the spinning earth and the reflections/daydreams of the pregnant woman.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2015
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
What a terrible outlook for the future of our planet. But, quite honestly, I can see it happening. Really good story, Mikey, has all the beginnings of a fine short story or novel. Good luck in the contest. :) sandra
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What a terrible outlook for the future of our planet. But, quite honestly, I can see it happening. Really good story, Mikey, has all the beginnings of a fine short story or novel. Good luck in the contest. :) sandra
Comment Written 04-Mar-2015
Comment from Green Lake Girl
A very frightening scenario. Well written and a good response to the prompt. You have my vote. So, who is the man with the sledgehammer? (Maybe Dean? LOL) Nicely done, Mikey.
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A very frightening scenario. Well written and a good response to the prompt. You have my vote. So, who is the man with the sledgehammer? (Maybe Dean? LOL) Nicely done, Mikey.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2015
Comment from artemis53
What a fantastic, Kubrick-like extension into poetry. It could.ve been Alex shattering the glass. Life at the end? Who knows so, therefore no one can truly, before it happens be wrong.
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What a fantastic, Kubrick-like extension into poetry. It could.ve been Alex shattering the glass. Life at the end? Who knows so, therefore no one can truly, before it happens be wrong.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2015
Comment from Jumbo J
Hi Mike,
only you could put a spin on this prompt such as you have... truly original and one of those writes you didn't want or dare to look away from... what she died? The child out lived the mother? That's it, I'm stocking up on oxygen... well done brother, and all the very best in this prompt.
With our thoughts we create,
a deadly spin,
James.
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Hi Mike,
only you could put a spin on this prompt such as you have... truly original and one of those writes you didn't want or dare to look away from... what she died? The child out lived the mother? That's it, I'm stocking up on oxygen... well done brother, and all the very best in this prompt.
With our thoughts we create,
a deadly spin,
James.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2015
Comment from Lovinia
Hi Mikey
A unique 'take' on the prompt topic and good AHA in your senryu. I baulked a bit at "metaphor" and wondered if something like "paradox" might serve you better??
The title is an important part of a haibun ... I do understand your use of "continues" .. and the simplification of a huge moment (the end of human life on earth) just being a hiccup in the greater picture of the universe. At least that's how I understand it. Please correct me if I'm wrong. :)
You may think the title must be the first line of the haiku/senryu ... in the case of a haibun, the title is an intricate but separate part of the form. (Oooops!! This is a prose and poetry contest - haibun style, not specified as a haibun ... I'll leave the info anyway - so you can ignore in this instance).To me something you might consider is, "the sun perpetuates" or "remains/persists", though perpetuates ties back to your pregnant woman.
I suggest your opening line could be more powerful. e.g. "Heavily pregnant, the woman stumbles towards the sliding doors. Utmost, her need to preserve life.' - or something better.
"Dead bodies are everywhere" ... yes, 'everywhere' is expressive and creates a strong visual. I'm not sure if this is more 'telling' than 'showing'? Just questioning myself.
You have used effective poetic technique with your alliteration. I love your satiric wit in both the senryu. The AHA in the last one is particularly auspicious. A fabulous conclusion.
* You need to use present tense in your conclusion to keep in line with the rest of your piece... "dies/daydreams"; and a question mark after " ... will the child outlive the mother?"
Well done and wishing you the best of luck in the contest. I find great wit in the concept and development of this piece of prose poetry. Hugs - Lovi xoxox
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Hi Mikey
A unique 'take' on the prompt topic and good AHA in your senryu. I baulked a bit at "metaphor" and wondered if something like "paradox" might serve you better??
The title is an important part of a haibun ... I do understand your use of "continues" .. and the simplification of a huge moment (the end of human life on earth) just being a hiccup in the greater picture of the universe. At least that's how I understand it. Please correct me if I'm wrong. :)
You may think the title must be the first line of the haiku/senryu ... in the case of a haibun, the title is an intricate but separate part of the form. (Oooops!! This is a prose and poetry contest - haibun style, not specified as a haibun ... I'll leave the info anyway - so you can ignore in this instance).To me something you might consider is, "the sun perpetuates" or "remains/persists", though perpetuates ties back to your pregnant woman.
I suggest your opening line could be more powerful. e.g. "Heavily pregnant, the woman stumbles towards the sliding doors. Utmost, her need to preserve life.' - or something better.
"Dead bodies are everywhere" ... yes, 'everywhere' is expressive and creates a strong visual. I'm not sure if this is more 'telling' than 'showing'? Just questioning myself.
You have used effective poetic technique with your alliteration. I love your satiric wit in both the senryu. The AHA in the last one is particularly auspicious. A fabulous conclusion.
* You need to use present tense in your conclusion to keep in line with the rest of your piece... "dies/daydreams"; and a question mark after " ... will the child outlive the mother?"
Well done and wishing you the best of luck in the contest. I find great wit in the concept and development of this piece of prose poetry. Hugs - Lovi xoxox
Comment Written 04-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Hi! I'm in the middle of some medical things with one of the clients at the moment. But, I have to say hello and thank you for this and all your great reviews which I contemplate a great deal. You're on the money here with all of what you say. This was a flash of inspiration and your points are perfect. I do need to edit and consider every word of this. There's room for improvement and you make me feel it's worthy of the effort. I probably should get a handle on actual haibun. I've always written "haibun-like" pieces since I was young, so I'm still not hitting the haibun nail on the head probably. More later. Gotta run. Thank you for such an uplifting review. I'm thrilled!! mikey
Comment from CR Delport
You have a lot going on in a few words, and that takes a considerable amount of skill, but for Mikey that is not a problem :) Well done and good luck in the contest.
Have a most excellent day.
Christelle.
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You have a lot going on in a few words, and that takes a considerable amount of skill, but for Mikey that is not a problem :) Well done and good luck in the contest.
Have a most excellent day.
Christelle.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2015
