The Doorbell or The Death Knell!
The doorbell looks like the death knell.35 total reviews
Comment from donastell20
I liked reading this story, I thought it was very well written and it provided good detail, and was very well created.
I enjoyed it very much.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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I liked reading this story, I thought it was very well written and it provided good detail, and was very well created.
I enjoyed it very much.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Hello Friend,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging and worth appreciating comments.
Have a pleasant time!
~RP
Comment from giraffmang
Hello there,
I am not sure how the first line fits into the story. What was the hope filled silence before the bell rang ring? She was watching tv, and...
I didn't really get it. I understand the being cheated out of property and so on and the wife's death afterwards. This is a tragic tale but it feels a little muddled and incoherent at times. Some of the phrasing is awkward too. If you read through it again slowly, maybe you will see.
I hope this is helpful, or ignore it if you wish.
GMG
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Hello there,
I am not sure how the first line fits into the story. What was the hope filled silence before the bell rang ring? She was watching tv, and...
I didn't really get it. I understand the being cheated out of property and so on and the wife's death afterwards. This is a tragic tale but it feels a little muddled and incoherent at times. Some of the phrasing is awkward too. If you read through it again slowly, maybe you will see.
I hope this is helpful, or ignore it if you wish.
GMG
Comment Written 03-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Hello Friend,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging and worth appreciating comments.
I have edited the story as per your overt and covert suggestions & hope, now, you will find it better.
Have a pleasant time!
~RP
Comment from jjstar
It sounds like this story has the potential to be amazing. You've included vivid details, sensory language, and all the elements needed to be amazing! The only problem was that I was frustrated by the mechanics....sorry...far too numerous to list in this review. The first couple of things that I noticed were:
The first thing I noticed was that you changed tenses often, which for me is very distracting. Better to start in one and stay in the same one unless you are. May want to rewrite a little.
John,(insert comma) with tearful eyes,(insert comma)
If you would like help, let me know and I'll bemore specific.:)
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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It sounds like this story has the potential to be amazing. You've included vivid details, sensory language, and all the elements needed to be amazing! The only problem was that I was frustrated by the mechanics....sorry...far too numerous to list in this review. The first couple of things that I noticed were:
The first thing I noticed was that you changed tenses often, which for me is very distracting. Better to start in one and stay in the same one unless you are. May want to rewrite a little.
John,(insert comma) with tearful eyes,(insert comma)
If you would like help, let me know and I'll bemore specific.:)
Comment Written 03-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
-
Hello Friend,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging and worth appreciating comments.
I have edited the story as per your overt and covert suggestions & hope, now, you will find it better.
Have a pleasant time!
~RP
Comment from country ranch writer
SHE DIED OF A BROKEN HEART BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T BELIEVE THEY WOULD DO SOMETHING SO UNDERHANDED AND SELFISH. I FEEL FOR HIM AS HIS FAMILY DESTROYED HIS LOVELY WIFE IN JUST A FEW WORDS. THE STRESS OF ALL THIS WAS JUST TO MUCH FOR HER TO HANDLE
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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SHE DIED OF A BROKEN HEART BECAUSE SHE COULDN'T BELIEVE THEY WOULD DO SOMETHING SO UNDERHANDED AND SELFISH. I FEEL FOR HIM AS HIS FAMILY DESTROYED HIS LOVELY WIFE IN JUST A FEW WORDS. THE STRESS OF ALL THIS WAS JUST TO MUCH FOR HER TO HANDLE
Comment Written 03-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
-
Hello Friend,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging and worth appreciating comments.
Have a pleasant time!
~RP
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welcome
Comment from tfawcus
The story is good. It flows well and holds the reader's interest. If you are looking for suggestions, I would recommend deleting the entire second paragraph of background so that you get straight into the story, which is told in your well-handled dialogue between the old friends. Also cut the repetition of 'his childhood friend, Raja'. Prince, Cellphone, Friend and Hero probably don't need capitalising and if you capitalise Death, I think you should also capitalise Knell. Both or neither. The scene with the older brother reads particularly well. One immediately gets a sense of the foxy rogue. I enjoyed reading this one.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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The story is good. It flows well and holds the reader's interest. If you are looking for suggestions, I would recommend deleting the entire second paragraph of background so that you get straight into the story, which is told in your well-handled dialogue between the old friends. Also cut the repetition of 'his childhood friend, Raja'. Prince, Cellphone, Friend and Hero probably don't need capitalising and if you capitalise Death, I think you should also capitalise Knell. Both or neither. The scene with the older brother reads particularly well. One immediately gets a sense of the foxy rogue. I enjoyed reading this one.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
-
Hello Friend,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging and worth appreciating comments.
I have edited the story as per your overt and covert suggestions & hope, now, you will find it better.
Have a pleasant time!
~RP
