The Doorbell or The Death Knell!
The doorbell looks like the death knell.35 total reviews
Comment from Sanku
A sad tale of a grieving husband .the kind of cheating some family members indulge in ... many Indian families would have a simliar story to tell.this may need some rewriting in terms of syntax and grammar.All the best in the context.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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A sad tale of a grieving husband .the kind of cheating some family members indulge in ... many Indian families would have a simliar story to tell.this may need some rewriting in terms of syntax and grammar.All the best in the context.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Hello Sanku,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging, worth appreciating comments and Best Wishes.
I have edited the story as per your overt and covert suggestions & hope, now, you will find it better.
Have a pleasant time!
~RP
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Dear RP - lovely to read your work. This has such an interesting story weaving through it. Strong expressive imagery and emotion - keeps me reading.
Overall well penned, though I thought you could cut back on some of the filler words to make this even stronger.
Also duplicate words in close proximity, for example.
"Thus with teary eyes John completed his sad, but true story. Raja was watching (John) while (John) was looking at the sun which was gradually slipping down into the far sea." // him // he
Thanks for sharing - and good luck in the contest my friend.
Maureen
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Dear RP - lovely to read your work. This has such an interesting story weaving through it. Strong expressive imagery and emotion - keeps me reading.
Overall well penned, though I thought you could cut back on some of the filler words to make this even stronger.
Also duplicate words in close proximity, for example.
"Thus with teary eyes John completed his sad, but true story. Raja was watching (John) while (John) was looking at the sun which was gradually slipping down into the far sea." // him // he
Thanks for sharing - and good luck in the contest my friend.
Maureen
Comment Written 03-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Hello Maureen,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging, worth appreciating comments and Good Luck Wishes.
I have edited the story as per your overt and covert suggestions & hope, now, you will find it better.
Have a pleasant time!
~RP
Comment from Mastery
Hi, RP This is such an interesting piece. I found the descriptions and imagery outstanding throughout. You are an intelligent man.
Suggestions: Move the first sentence down in the story further. Just start out with the next paragraph.
Also: Be careful, RP, with excessive words. So easy to get carried away sometimes. We all do it. Like here: "her two are in India." (Take out the word "are" (small things, but makes for smoother flow.
Also: You don't need "usually" in this sentence: "now usually remains lost. In fact adverbs words ending in "ly" are the weeds of good writing, per the experts including Stephen King. go through your story and eliminate each one by using stronger verbs to modify your actions.
Also, probably an oversight but a new paragraph has to begin each time a new person speaks, like here: ""I have mostly been on the north-western border of India since late nineties. My wife and children used to live in our parental house on the outskirts of Chennai. My three brothers and their families also lived there, as you know."
"Yes, yes, carry on," Raju encouraged him.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Hi, RP This is such an interesting piece. I found the descriptions and imagery outstanding throughout. You are an intelligent man.
Suggestions: Move the first sentence down in the story further. Just start out with the next paragraph.
Also: Be careful, RP, with excessive words. So easy to get carried away sometimes. We all do it. Like here: "her two are in India." (Take out the word "are" (small things, but makes for smoother flow.
Also: You don't need "usually" in this sentence: "now usually remains lost. In fact adverbs words ending in "ly" are the weeds of good writing, per the experts including Stephen King. go through your story and eliminate each one by using stronger verbs to modify your actions.
Also, probably an oversight but a new paragraph has to begin each time a new person speaks, like here: ""I have mostly been on the north-western border of India since late nineties. My wife and children used to live in our parental house on the outskirts of Chennai. My three brothers and their families also lived there, as you know."
"Yes, yes, carry on," Raju encouraged him.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Hello Bob,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging and worth appreciating comments.
I have edited the story as per your overt and covert suggestions & hope, now, you will find it better.
Have a pleasant time!
~RP
Comment from scd41
If I am not mistaken, there is a concept of association of ideas in psychology similar to the one experienced by John which began with was a doorbell ringing followed by subsequent tragic developments. So everytime John heard door bell ringing, it reminded him how his wife became seriously ill and died the next eay. Your entry is a strong contender for the contest. Best of luck.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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If I am not mistaken, there is a concept of association of ideas in psychology similar to the one experienced by John which began with was a doorbell ringing followed by subsequent tragic developments. So everytime John heard door bell ringing, it reminded him how his wife became seriously ill and died the next eay. Your entry is a strong contender for the contest. Best of luck.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Hello Friend,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging, worth appreciating comments and Best Wishes.
Have a pleasant time!
~RP
Comment from arnie47
I think the story has potential and is nicely written in most parts, but two things; one I think you need a re-write to expunge some unnecessary verbiage and you have to look at the formatting, it's confusing. But that may be the system used here. Good luck with this.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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I think the story has potential and is nicely written in most parts, but two things; one I think you need a re-write to expunge some unnecessary verbiage and you have to look at the formatting, it's confusing. But that may be the system used here. Good luck with this.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Hello Friend,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging, worth appreciating comments and Good Luck Wishes.
I have edited the story as per your overt and covert suggestions & hope, now, you will find it better.
Have a pleasant time!
~RP
Comment from Jennpenn
This is a very interesting story, but I feel like this tale could have been told in half the words. That's not to say that I didn't understand John's devastation. And his siblings seemed horrible. I would have liked to read about actual things they had done, rather than John just alluding to it.
If you read through this again, and edit out any words that aren't absolutely necessary, you will have a winner.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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This is a very interesting story, but I feel like this tale could have been told in half the words. That's not to say that I didn't understand John's devastation. And his siblings seemed horrible. I would have liked to read about actual things they had done, rather than John just alluding to it.
If you read through this again, and edit out any words that aren't absolutely necessary, you will have a winner.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Hello Friend,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging and worth appreciating comments.
I have edited the story as per your overt and covert suggestions & hope, now, you will find it better.
Have a pleasant time!
~RP
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was a really sad story, and unfortunately, it does happen. We have to beware of those we think are close to us. The poor man. This is a good story for the contest. Good luck! Sandra
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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That was a really sad story, and unfortunately, it does happen. We have to beware of those we think are close to us. The poor man. This is a good story for the contest. Good luck! Sandra
Comment Written 03-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Hello Friend,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging, worth appreciating comments and Good Luck Wishes.
Have a pleasant time!
~RP
Comment from royowen
John has met up with his childhood friend Raja and things have changed for he's minus his sweetheart Bhabhi,he told Raja how his brothers had inveigled money from him, his wife had gone into a coma and died the next day, it was always coinciding with a door bel ringing. I enjoyed your well written, and imaginative tale, RP, well done. Good luck in the contest, blessings, Roy.sstra Spag:- have (your) any contact number
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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John has met up with his childhood friend Raja and things have changed for he's minus his sweetheart Bhabhi,he told Raja how his brothers had inveigled money from him, his wife had gone into a coma and died the next day, it was always coinciding with a door bel ringing. I enjoyed your well written, and imaginative tale, RP, well done. Good luck in the contest, blessings, Roy.sstra Spag:- have (your) any contact number
Comment Written 03-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Hello Roy,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging, worth appreciating comments and Good Luck Wishes.
I have edited the story as per your overt and covert suggestions & hope, now, you will find it better.
Have a pleasant time!
~RP
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Most welcom
Comment from gypsycaravan
Sadly, families can often be the worst people in one's life. Losing the mate who is your everything is tragic. Your story is well told with emotion and suspense.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Sadly, families can often be the worst people in one's life. Losing the mate who is your everything is tragic. Your story is well told with emotion and suspense.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Hello Friend,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging and worth appreciating comments.
Have a pleasant time!
~RP
Comment from dmt1967
'"Hey, Prince!" Smiling and hugging him tightly, John said, "What a pleasant surprise!"' I would write, 'John gave the man a bear hug and smiled. "Hey prince," he said...'
I found a lot of places where the action came after the speech. This story was very boring and a lot of places where it would have been better to show rather than tell. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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'"Hey, Prince!" Smiling and hugging him tightly, John said, "What a pleasant surprise!"' I would write, 'John gave the man a bear hug and smiled. "Hey prince," he said...'
I found a lot of places where the action came after the speech. This story was very boring and a lot of places where it would have been better to show rather than tell. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
-
Hello Friend,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging, worth appreciating comments and Good Luck Wishes.
I have edited the story as per your overt and covert suggestions & hope, now, you will find it better.
Have a pleasant time!
~RP
