The Doorbell or The Death Knell!
The doorbell looks like the death knell.35 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
If I'm not mistaken, English is your second language. There are structural things that indicate that. I took that in consideration when I reviewed. Your story is interesting. The story idea is compelling. But there are some editing problems below:
John gave the man a bear hug and smiled. [Paragraph spacing error.]
would certainly be here on Sunday," ardently embracing him, he said. [Would suggest the dialogue tag preceding the description.]
so many Questions in a breath?" [Why is "questions" capitalized?]
coaxing him to speak, Raju said,"Now tell me in detail. [Missing a space after "said"]
when I was asked to do so. [Missing closed quote.]
We often went to religious places or the places of natural beauty. [another paragraph spacing error.]
There were two other paragraph spacing errors that, in the interest of time, I didn't indicate. You should correct these.
I deducted a star for the SPAG, but if you let me know when the corrections have been made, I'll return the star.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2015
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If I'm not mistaken, English is your second language. There are structural things that indicate that. I took that in consideration when I reviewed. Your story is interesting. The story idea is compelling. But there are some editing problems below:
John gave the man a bear hug and smiled. [Paragraph spacing error.]
would certainly be here on Sunday," ardently embracing him, he said. [Would suggest the dialogue tag preceding the description.]
so many Questions in a breath?" [Why is "questions" capitalized?]
coaxing him to speak, Raju said,"Now tell me in detail. [Missing a space after "said"]
when I was asked to do so. [Missing closed quote.]
We often went to religious places or the places of natural beauty. [another paragraph spacing error.]
There were two other paragraph spacing errors that, in the interest of time, I didn't indicate. You should correct these.
I deducted a star for the SPAG, but if you let me know when the corrections have been made, I'll return the star.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2015
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Hello Jay Squires,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging and worth appreciating comments.
I have tried my best to edit the story as per your valuable suggestions.
Moreover, they'll be useful for me in times to come also.
Have a pleasant weekend!
~RP.
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I'm looking at your kind comments to my review, RP, and you are probably as confused as I: I didn't deduct the star. I was supposed to give you four stars then wait for your notice that the corrections were made before I gave the star back. LOL. Were you thinking "He deducted me down to 5 stars and when I tell him I've made the corrections he's gonna bring it up to a 6?" OMG ... sorry, RP.
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Hi Jay Squires,
Not at all and never! Having been shown so many weak points, I could never think about 6 stars on your part.
Actually, I knew that you had already given me 5 while you really intended for four stars. I wanted to write it, but forgot.
In fact, what you have given me is much more than all the STARS.
Thank you for the same and request you for such guidance in future also.
With best wishes,
~RP.
Comment from livelylinda
RPSaxena: I didn't care for this story very much. It seemed overly dramatic just getting to the point that John told Raja about his family cheating him out of his money. And, the wife hearing of this, falling down upon a bed and going into a coma is just WAY too unbelievable. Not the best thing I've read of yours. But, just my opinion. livelylinda
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2015
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RPSaxena: I didn't care for this story very much. It seemed overly dramatic just getting to the point that John told Raja about his family cheating him out of his money. And, the wife hearing of this, falling down upon a bed and going into a coma is just WAY too unbelievable. Not the best thing I've read of yours. But, just my opinion. livelylinda
Comment Written 06-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2015
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Hello Livelylinda,
Thank you very much for reading and reviewing.
Have a pleasant weekend!
~RP.
Comment from Helena Frances
I especially liked the language, showing a different culture, and customs, regarding family hierarchy.
The scene is believable,with the background info supplied in good sequencing.
Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2015
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I especially liked the language, showing a different culture, and customs, regarding family hierarchy.
The scene is believable,with the background info supplied in good sequencing.
Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 06-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2015
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Hello Friend,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging, worth appreciating comments and Good Luck Wishes.
Have a pleasant weekend!
~RP.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Unfortunately, we never know who we can trust in this old world. Many times it's friends or the closest of family whose hearts full of greed are willing to stab us in the back over as little as a few dollars. Thanks for the pleasure of reading your well written and entertaining story. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2015
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Unfortunately, we never know who we can trust in this old world. Many times it's friends or the closest of family whose hearts full of greed are willing to stab us in the back over as little as a few dollars. Thanks for the pleasure of reading your well written and entertaining story. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 06-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2015
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Hello Friend,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging and worth appreciating comments.
Have a pleasant weekend!
~RP.
Comment from Ulla
Well, a good story and rather well told. I can understand why the sound of the doorbell disturbs him so much. Couldn't find any faults. Well done. Ulla
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2015
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Well, a good story and rather well told. I can understand why the sound of the doorbell disturbs him so much. Couldn't find any faults. Well done. Ulla
Comment Written 06-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2015
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Hello Friend,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging and worth appreciating comments.
Have a pleasant weekend!
~RP.
Comment from risktaker
This is a well written story. The scenes are vivid and clear. I like the dialogue and the imagery. this is a sad and tragic story. Raja is a true and loyal friend.I feel the love and respect they have for one another. I want to read more about them.Some family members are vultures and full of treachery.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2015
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This is a well written story. The scenes are vivid and clear. I like the dialogue and the imagery. this is a sad and tragic story. Raja is a true and loyal friend.I feel the love and respect they have for one another. I want to read more about them.Some family members are vultures and full of treachery.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2015
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Hello Risktaker,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging and worth appreciating comments.
Have a pleasant weekend!
~RP.
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ok
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ok
Comment from david28
I like the idea of it reminded him of both a death and betrayal. John's past is written well as well from the start when he is describing his family life we get an omen that something will go wrong and aren't disappointed. However the dialogue could be in shorter chunks and the use of the cliché beating about the bush should go.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2015
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I like the idea of it reminded him of both a death and betrayal. John's past is written well as well from the start when he is describing his family life we get an omen that something will go wrong and aren't disappointed. However the dialogue could be in shorter chunks and the use of the cliché beating about the bush should go.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2015
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Hello David28,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging, worth appreciating comments and suggestions.
Have a pleasant weekend!
~RP.
Comment from Bryana
What a sad story, but it's true, you can't trust all your relatives.
I'm not very good at writing prose but I found your writing well
done and interesting, an excellent contribution for the contest.
I specially enjoyed reading about the friendship between these
two men, I believe they showed their true feelings when they met
on the beach. I'm glad Raja had this true friend to tell of his bad
luck.
I wish you luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2015
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What a sad story, but it's true, you can't trust all your relatives.
I'm not very good at writing prose but I found your writing well
done and interesting, an excellent contribution for the contest.
I specially enjoyed reading about the friendship between these
two men, I believe they showed their true feelings when they met
on the beach. I'm glad Raja had this true friend to tell of his bad
luck.
I wish you luck in the contest.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2015
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Hello Bryana,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging, worth appreciating comments and Good Luck Wishes for the contest.
A lot of heartfelt thanks for the Sparkling Sixth Star!
Have a pleasant weekend!
~RP.
Comment from sharonmealler
While the thought process was a little broken and hard to follow, the overall reading was interesting. The English seemed to be broken. You can feel the passion in the writing and could feel his pain.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2015
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While the thought process was a little broken and hard to follow, the overall reading was interesting. The English seemed to be broken. You can feel the passion in the writing and could feel his pain.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2015
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Thanks for sharing your views.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
I love the way you shared the suffering of a man from a culture that many of us are unaware of. There is no violent and bloody murder, but the destruction of two lives by betrayal. I loved it!
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2015
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I love the way you shared the suffering of a man from a culture that many of us are unaware of. There is no violent and bloody murder, but the destruction of two lives by betrayal. I loved it!
Comment Written 05-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2015
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Hello Davisr,
Thank you very much for your so encouraging and worth appreciating comments.
A lot of heartfelt thanks for the Sparkling Sixth Star!
Have a pleasant weekend!
~RP.
