Let's Talk Dirty!
Viewing comments for Chapter 51 "Karen's Plan Backfires"The story about three women who need to make money
18 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
Alexis, I might've been too picky on a lot of these, please take what you like and leave the rest. The substance of the chapter is terrific! I like the plans they're starting to make.
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(Why on earth did you get into his car?) Should 'earth' be capitalized? Earth
(If it hadn't been for the fact he was retired policeman,) he was 'a' retired policeman,
('I would have thought working for the chat line would have put you straight on that one.) Lose the 2nd 'have'.
(Mr respectable one minute, Mr 'help me to get off,' the next.) Capitalize respectable Respectable. Should Mr "help me to get off' be "Mr Help Me To Get Off," ?
(...is it as bad as Jenny said it was?') Drop the 'it was' at the end. Something about it was, was in general, being passive voice.
(She's away visiting her family in Pakistan at the moment, which meant I was able to get on with my job without being interrupted.) , 'which means I'm able to get on with my job without being interrupted.'
(We spent nearly 'a' quarter of a million pounds refurbishing it.)
(But it wasn't just the way it looked that was the problem, it was the way it was run.) 'It's not the way it looked, it's the way we initially ran it that caused problems.' Eliminating the 'was's.
(in the Herald, it was sold out within twenty-four hours.') take out the 'was'.
(There was only four weeks until Valentine's Day, so she told Laura it wasn't even up for discussion.) There 'were' only four weeks until Valentine's Day, (lose the so) she told Laura it wasn't even up for discussion.
(Now he's having to rent a place in the Merchant City,) take out 'the' before Merchant City.
(Laura's smile dropped as she absorbed what Karen had just told her.) Take out 'had just' before told her.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015
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Alexis, I might've been too picky on a lot of these, please take what you like and leave the rest. The substance of the chapter is terrific! I like the plans they're starting to make.
________________________________________________________________________________
(Why on earth did you get into his car?) Should 'earth' be capitalized? Earth
(If it hadn't been for the fact he was retired policeman,) he was 'a' retired policeman,
('I would have thought working for the chat line would have put you straight on that one.) Lose the 2nd 'have'.
(Mr respectable one minute, Mr 'help me to get off,' the next.) Capitalize respectable Respectable. Should Mr "help me to get off' be "Mr Help Me To Get Off," ?
(...is it as bad as Jenny said it was?') Drop the 'it was' at the end. Something about it was, was in general, being passive voice.
(She's away visiting her family in Pakistan at the moment, which meant I was able to get on with my job without being interrupted.) , 'which means I'm able to get on with my job without being interrupted.'
(We spent nearly 'a' quarter of a million pounds refurbishing it.)
(But it wasn't just the way it looked that was the problem, it was the way it was run.) 'It's not the way it looked, it's the way we initially ran it that caused problems.' Eliminating the 'was's.
(in the Herald, it was sold out within twenty-four hours.') take out the 'was'.
(There was only four weeks until Valentine's Day, so she told Laura it wasn't even up for discussion.) There 'were' only four weeks until Valentine's Day, (lose the so) she told Laura it wasn't even up for discussion.
(Now he's having to rent a place in the Merchant City,) take out 'the' before Merchant City.
(Laura's smile dropped as she absorbed what Karen had just told her.) Take out 'had just' before told her.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2015
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All excellent suggestions, Sue. I've amended everything accordingly. Where would I be without you? xxx
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Dear Alexis - laxative backfiring - only you would think of that one! Another excellent post for your story. Filling in nicely and keeping me guessing on what is coming next for her. No Issues, smooth reading:)
Thanks for sharing,
Maureen
xx
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2015
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Dear Alexis - laxative backfiring - only you would think of that one! Another excellent post for your story. Filling in nicely and keeping me guessing on what is coming next for her. No Issues, smooth reading:)
Thanks for sharing,
Maureen
xx
Comment Written 02-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2015
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Well, the way I see it, if you don't have the guts to do it for real, live out the fantasy through your words. Loving it! Alexis xxx
Comment from G.B. Smith
There seems to be a common thread here of the two women wanting the same things, but for Laura, it's the fear of rejection; however she is surely glad for the weight loss and showing it off. Rub his nose in it a bit. Nice chapter. I got to understand both women better
Bear
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2015
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There seems to be a common thread here of the two women wanting the same things, but for Laura, it's the fear of rejection; however she is surely glad for the weight loss and showing it off. Rub his nose in it a bit. Nice chapter. I got to understand both women better
Bear
Comment Written 02-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2015
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I think you understand them really well already, Bear. Hopefully, I'll get their lives sorted out in the final chapters. Alexis xxx
Comment from Cindy Warren
I think Mark might want Karen back when he sees her. Does she have any feelings left for him? Calling her a fat cow was a jerky thing to do, but not unforgivable.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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I think Mark might want Karen back when he sees her. Does she have any feelings left for him? Calling her a fat cow was a jerky thing to do, but not unforgivable.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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Mmmmm, I haven't decided what to do with Mark in the end, so I'm just going to put him through the wringer a bit more while I decide! Alexis x
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Alexis. This was another great chapter mate. This book is coming along nicely in a relaxed kind of natural progression. The way you write always puts me at the scene and I think it will be a success. Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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G'day Alexis. This was another great chapter mate. This book is coming along nicely in a relaxed kind of natural progression. The way you write always puts me at the scene and I think it will be a success. Cheers Fez
Comment Written 01-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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Thank you Fez. As you know, I value your opinion. I'm off to France for a week or so on Wednesday, so I'll be like you, working off a prepaid dongle. I'll just have to take a break instead! Alexis x
Comment from rwilliam
Wonderful chapter. I loved the way you had the laxative backfire. Didn't' see that coming. Baw hahaha. :-)
I loved the ending too. You always have me waiting to read more. That's great writing. Keep 'em coming. I'm impressed with how quickly you put out your chapters. Wish I could be that quick. :-)
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2015
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Wonderful chapter. I loved the way you had the laxative backfire. Didn't' see that coming. Baw hahaha. :-)
I loved the ending too. You always have me waiting to read more. That's great writing. Keep 'em coming. I'm impressed with how quickly you put out your chapters. Wish I could be that quick. :-)
Comment Written 28-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2015
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Glad to say they are mostly written, so it's just a case of tweaking them to fit in with some new story lines I've introduced. No doubt I'll change some more when I go off to France for a few days next week. I hope you enjoy todays post. It was great fun to write! Alexis x
Comment from Spitfire
I suspect you've tapped into a truth there about people leading double lives. Nice complication with ex-husband figuring out the real villain. He must have been nasty for his girlfriend not to take him back. All that bit about plans to fit up the bar sounds like too much work too me!
One thing I notice in your writing, Alex, is the number of times you use the expression "burst out laughing". I don't know if this would be noted by an editor or not.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2015
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I suspect you've tapped into a truth there about people leading double lives. Nice complication with ex-husband figuring out the real villain. He must have been nasty for his girlfriend not to take him back. All that bit about plans to fit up the bar sounds like too much work too me!
One thing I notice in your writing, Alex, is the number of times you use the expression "burst out laughing". I don't know if this would be noted by an editor or not.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2015
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Lol, he didn't. He still thinks it's the new girlfriend who did it. It was just that he recognised the symptoms because he once took too many laxatives when he lived with Karen. I agree with you wholeheartedly about the 'burst out laughing' aspect. Any suggestions for a replacement because these three women laugh a hell of a lot! Alexis x
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giggled is all I can think up right now. A dictionary or thesaurus might be helpful.
Comment from MelB
I hope the restaurant plan works out. Uh-oh, busted on the Michael revenge scheme. I cannot wait to hear what he says when he sees the weight loss. I wonder if they will get back together.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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I hope the restaurant plan works out. Uh-oh, busted on the Michael revenge scheme. I cannot wait to hear what he says when he sees the weight loss. I wonder if they will get back together.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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As you now know, Karen's reveal went very well! I've still not decided if Mark will get a look in know he's split with Sandra. Now she's looking so hot, it might be time to move on. Only time will tell. Alexis x
Comment from adewpearl
excellent dialogue when discussing Michael and the whole laxative revenge scheme that backfired in its consequences and dialogue between Laura and Karen about running a hotel and ways to improve its revenue, like with the special events
Brooke
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2015
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excellent dialogue when discussing Michael and the whole laxative revenge scheme that backfired in its consequences and dialogue between Laura and Karen about running a hotel and ways to improve its revenue, like with the special events
Brooke
Comment Written 28-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2015
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It should be quite a night! I know Karen will do well but the Mrs Patel returns. She is seriously scary! Alexis x
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Lots happening here. I love their idea for the restaurant and really hope they will buy it from Patel. Can't wait till Mark sees the new Karen. :)
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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Lots happening here. I love their idea for the restaurant and really hope they will buy it from Patel. Can't wait till Mark sees the new Karen. :)
Comment Written 28-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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No way they could afford it, even if Mr. Patel was selling, so it would take a miracle for that to happen. I'll try rustling one up if I can though! Alexis x
