Comment from Treischel

Excellent

A very good story of love and romance in military style. Good character development. Very real settings and situations, complete with a storybook ending. Well told. Good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 02-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015

Thank you, it is in the hand of the 'committee' so we will see how they handle it. I think I followed all the rules, it is not as long as the recommended length, but is over the minimum word count.

Comment from angelface2

Excellent

Excellent story, Pat. Love surely can come quickly. If you know what you want and you see it right there, then that is good. This was a refreshing story, Pat. good luck in the contest. :>D Miss Sally

 Comment Written 28-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015

Thank you Sally for the review. I hope it does well in the contest. We will see.

Comment from adewpearl

Excellent

your opening sets the stage effectively
excellent character descriptions of Nancy and Thomas
good, realistic dialogue
I wanted to be away from the farm. That's why - I added the period and started a new sentence
Nancy, that is so wonderful - add comma for direct address
evening was drawing to an end, - add comma
complete his basic training, and then - add comma
a lovely story with a happy ending for two people who truly deserved that happy ending and love :-) Brooke

 Comment Written 28-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015

Thanks Brooke, for the nice review and the helpful suggestions. I appreciate it.

Comment from alexisleech

Excellent

This is a beautiful story, one most couples would love to tell, but wonderful though it is, It's far too documented at the moment. When I first joined, and even now, I got lectured on the 'show' don't 'tell' principle. I thought they were talking a load of garbage at first, but at last I got what it meant (with the help of Google!) That's what you have to do here. Let go of the facts, and let the hand type what it takes to show us what's going on behind the obvious facts. Your story is wonderful, it just needs telling in a different way.

that is why after I got out of high school
suggest
. That's why after I got out of high school

Alexis x

 Comment Written 28-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015

Thanks for the review. I guess, I am just not meant to be a writer, as I am not understanding the difference.

reply by alexisleech on 28-Feb-2015

Yes you are! All you need to do is expand on what you are doing. As I said, when I joined this site, I rebelled against suggestions thinking that I didn't have what it takes. Four years on, after a huge amount of criticism, I love writing for a living. I'm sure you can do the same.

reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015

Thanks for responding. I will soon be 77 years of age. I just love to write. I write about my life, about what is important to me. I have no real desire to be a professional writer. I have just come through a time where I was even concerned I might lose my eyesight, but surgery has helped to correct that. Not only do I like to write poetry and short fiction, I also like to write non-fiction. The non-fiction part of my writing is probably spilling over somewhat into my fiction writing. I see some writers here who seldom write anything other than just their poetry or their fiction. Believe it or not I almost failed out of high school. If you were to read my story in She Did Right-Now-She Does Write, which is my life story you would maybe understand who I am and the difficulty I had to overcome even to be at this point. My life story was made into a radio drama, and writing the stories I had to write for the script writer to put my life together as a drama, is what encouraged me to write.
Here is the ink where you can hear my life story.

www.oneplace.com/ministries/unshackled

When at the site go to the archives for Oct 2014 the name Patricia Lawrence

I am sorry this is so long, but sometimes I just get carried away. Patricia

reply by alexisleech on 28-Feb-2015

Don't apologise, your writing is great, and age has nothing to do with it. I look forward to going to your links. Well done!

Comment from MizKat

Excellent

Hi Patricia,

You did another topnotch job of writing this cute little story. I really enjoyed it. You are a good writer for poetry and prose. I love your talent and love to read your work. It deserves a six, but I used them all.

Kat

 Comment Written 28-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015

Thanks kat for the nice review. I am glad you enjoyed it an will vote when it is voting time in 3 days.

reply by MizKat on 28-Feb-2015

I just promoted the story that I'd written for my granddaughter quite awhile ago. I'd had it up right after I wrote it and waited until now to put it up again.

Comment from MelB

Excellent

brother-in-law was atustic, - one little typo

This is a very nice story with a happy ending. They seemed to move fast, but they knew they loved each other and that is all that matters. It is nice that she got to complete the work she loved too.

 Comment Written 28-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015

Thanks Melissa for the kind review and the typo check

Comment from kiwijenny

Excellent

Riggers ...rigeurs
Th......the
Patcelaw there is a sweetness about this..It is good living but you tell instead of show. Love came quickly and also easily.Maybe have Thomas visit her classroom where she could teach an autistic child ...showing her goodness . Telling it isn't as compelling.
God bless

 Comment Written 28-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015

Thanks for the nice and helpful reviewing. I appreciate it. I made some changes.

Comment from gypsycaravan

Excellent

This is a lovely story, Patricia. There are a few snags that need editing but the story, sentiment within and the presentation are all good.

 Comment Written 28-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015

Thanks gypsy for the review and the helpful comments, I have made a few edits.

Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin

Excellent

Hi, Pat,

Great story. Always something nostalgic about soldiers, the UFO, and shipping out to wherever. A lot of quickie weddings in those days as well.

Well penned, my friend. The best of luck in the contest.

Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*.*)

 Comment Written 28-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015

Thanks Jax for the nice review. I enjoyed this writing

Comment from Janet7053

Good

Pat, From that sentence starter, you certainly brought about the love connection. We can just imagine the longing in a lonely soldier's heart. When you factor in the common ground they found regarding her desire to teach and his autistic brother, what you write about here is authentic.
My suggestion to you is that you zero in on a couple girls in particular to describe their hair or clothing or perfume instead of the more general sweep of what all of them had on.
Strengthen your ending to match the darling picture. Something like "Thomas and Nancy sneak away as often as time permits to walk the sandy beaches and just be together.


This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 28-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015

Thanks Janet for the helpful review, I did a bit of editing and I think it has done some of the things you are talking about.