The Rendezvous
A date going wrong41 total reviews
Comment from Spitfire
For me, there's a loophole in here. How can the narrator tell the story when she goes black at the end? Some clich�©s-dressed in a flash, swept me off my feet (show, don't tell). Every word must count in a short piece. Tighten this up and add more details to clue us that something is wrong. The ending can still be a shock. Try using third POV.
FF is difficult and you've made a good start.
Example:
We had met a few weeks back in my psychology class. When the professor's back was turned, he smiled and winked at me, then twisted his features to look like the teacher. I was captivated. How could I resist that strong square face and dimpled chin. But his sense of humour attracted me
more.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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For me, there's a loophole in here. How can the narrator tell the story when she goes black at the end? Some clich�©s-dressed in a flash, swept me off my feet (show, don't tell). Every word must count in a short piece. Tighten this up and add more details to clue us that something is wrong. The ending can still be a shock. Try using third POV.
FF is difficult and you've made a good start.
Example:
We had met a few weeks back in my psychology class. When the professor's back was turned, he smiled and winked at me, then twisted his features to look like the teacher. I was captivated. How could I resist that strong square face and dimpled chin. But his sense of humour attracted me
more.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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Thanks a lot. Food for thought. Ulla
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Well, I must say I really did not see that coming. I'm glad I did not know
what kind of contest this was before I began reading; however, I'm not
sure that would have made a difference. I guess someone else really
wanted the boat Adrian wanted and wouldn't compromise.
good luck in the contest
thanks for sharing
jan
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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Well, I must say I really did not see that coming. I'm glad I did not know
what kind of contest this was before I began reading; however, I'm not
sure that would have made a difference. I guess someone else really
wanted the boat Adrian wanted and wouldn't compromise.
good luck in the contest
thanks for sharing
jan
Comment Written 26-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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Thank you very much. Ulla
Comment from gypsymoth
That ending came out of nowhere. If you're going for a
surprise to the reader, you got it. I would have expected a
bit more buildup of suspence . I think it lacked drama.
Gypsymoth
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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That ending came out of nowhere. If you're going for a
surprise to the reader, you got it. I would have expected a
bit more buildup of suspence . I think it lacked drama.
Gypsymoth
Comment Written 26-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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Thanks for your review. Taking it on board. Ulla
Comment from risktaker
Wow, I want to read more. I am very surprised about the ending.The scenes depicted are vivid and engaging. the word choice contributes to the fantastic imagery. Keep writing. This is a great beginning.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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Wow, I want to read more. I am very surprised about the ending.The scenes depicted are vivid and engaging. the word choice contributes to the fantastic imagery. Keep writing. This is a great beginning.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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Thank you very much. Very encouraging
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ok
Comment from gypsycaravan
It was definitely a twist and surprise. You built the excitement well.
one suggestion:
Editors don't like passive structure in sentences. They feel it makes the meaning weak.
"We had met only a few weeks back, and he had just swept me off my feet. I had always thought I was too pragmatic for that to happen, but I now knew what my friends had been raving and ranting about. He was so extremely handsome, tall with a strong square face, and such lovely sense of humour. That was what had really attracted me to him."
Try leaving out the "had" in most of these sentences and just using the action verb. Structure like this and see if you feel the sentence reads stronger.
"We met only a few weeks back, and he just swept me off my feet. I always thought I was too pragmatic for that to happen, but I now knew what my friends raved and ranted about. He was so extremely handsome, tall with a strong square face, and such lovely sense of humour. That was really attracted me to him. "
I got rid of the passive sentences there. Do you think it sounds stronger? I hope this helps.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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It was definitely a twist and surprise. You built the excitement well.
one suggestion:
Editors don't like passive structure in sentences. They feel it makes the meaning weak.
"We had met only a few weeks back, and he had just swept me off my feet. I had always thought I was too pragmatic for that to happen, but I now knew what my friends had been raving and ranting about. He was so extremely handsome, tall with a strong square face, and such lovely sense of humour. That was what had really attracted me to him."
Try leaving out the "had" in most of these sentences and just using the action verb. Structure like this and see if you feel the sentence reads stronger.
"We met only a few weeks back, and he just swept me off my feet. I always thought I was too pragmatic for that to happen, but I now knew what my friends raved and ranted about. He was so extremely handsome, tall with a strong square face, and such lovely sense of humour. That was really attracted me to him. "
I got rid of the passive sentences there. Do you think it sounds stronger? I hope this helps.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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Hi gypsycaravan, Thank you very much. That was extremely helpful, and thank you so much for taking time out to teach me. I am learning all the time and I can see excactly what you mean.It does read much stronger. I am editing right away Thanks again. Ulla
Comment from JackiO
While this is a decent premise with a shocking ending know that
it is very difficult to squeeze a story into a few hundred words,
and therefore its difficult to get a story to flow when we need to cram.
Here are a few suggestions
I woke up to the sun flickering in through the curtains leaving the room bathed in a hazy glow. I jumped out of bed, opened the curtains and what a beautiful sight that met my eyes. Spring had really come. - Waking to the hazy glow of an early morning sun, I rolled out of bed and drew the curtains. Spring had arrived in all her vivacious glory.
try to use fewer more descriptive words and allow your scenes and sentences to flow into one another.
Please understand this is constructive and not condescending.
take care . J.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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While this is a decent premise with a shocking ending know that
it is very difficult to squeeze a story into a few hundred words,
and therefore its difficult to get a story to flow when we need to cram.
Here are a few suggestions
I woke up to the sun flickering in through the curtains leaving the room bathed in a hazy glow. I jumped out of bed, opened the curtains and what a beautiful sight that met my eyes. Spring had really come. - Waking to the hazy glow of an early morning sun, I rolled out of bed and drew the curtains. Spring had arrived in all her vivacious glory.
try to use fewer more descriptive words and allow your scenes and sentences to flow into one another.
Please understand this is constructive and not condescending.
take care . J.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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Thank you very much for your review. It is very helpful what you are saying and I do learn from it. I am still so new to writing and this is what I need; to be taught. Ulla
Comment from kiwijenny
Yikes ...I guess she won't go out on the lake today...
Or at least not in a row boat.....is it wrong of me to want a happy ending though? When stuff like this fills our news and stuffs our senses with corrosive emotion.....come on do one of these and put the smile on my face you know where I'm not reaching for bleach to get blood stains out...sorry for my rant..this was good writing
God bless
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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Yikes ...I guess she won't go out on the lake today...
Or at least not in a row boat.....is it wrong of me to want a happy ending though? When stuff like this fills our news and stuffs our senses with corrosive emotion.....come on do one of these and put the smile on my face you know where I'm not reaching for bleach to get blood stains out...sorry for my rant..this was good writing
God bless
Comment Written 26-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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Thanks very much for your review, and for your rating. Ulla
Comment from ravenblack
Anticipating a meet with mystery man and the day takes a horrid turn awash in blood. You definitely startled me, but I think there should be some build-up, just some slight foreshadowing leading to ...the discovery of his corpse? A bloodbath? Also , try to avoid using the passive voice.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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Anticipating a meet with mystery man and the day takes a horrid turn awash in blood. You definitely startled me, but I think there should be some build-up, just some slight foreshadowing leading to ...the discovery of his corpse? A bloodbath? Also , try to avoid using the passive voice.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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Thank you so much for your review. I am beginning to learn about the passive voice and avoiding it. Still not achieved it though. Ulla
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for the pleasure of reading your well written flash story. You did a great job and left me dumbfounded at the eat. It's like knowing something is coming, but being unable to envision it, before the scream. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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Thanks for the pleasure of reading your well written flash story. You did a great job and left me dumbfounded at the eat. It's like knowing something is coming, but being unable to envision it, before the scream. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 26-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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Thanks very much for your kind review. Ulla
Comment from Dean Kuch
Okay, either Adrian was a deranged serial killer himself and did this poor gal in, or it was his blood she spied as she went around he boathouse in search of him. Perhaps the killer had already slaughtered her beloved new beau and was simply waiting for more game to come along. Hard to say, really, and in the grand scheme of things where she's concerned, it matters very little. She's dead now anyhow.
Good story, although there were subtle clues -- going to a park, with some guy you barely know...alone -- which gave a few hints.
Still, it is well written. Besides, what fan of horror hasn't seen just about all there is to see, or read all there is to read? I'm sure you'll catch some unsuspecting reader off guard with the ending.
In any event, good luck in the contest. :)
~Dean
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2015
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Okay, either Adrian was a deranged serial killer himself and did this poor gal in, or it was his blood she spied as she went around he boathouse in search of him. Perhaps the killer had already slaughtered her beloved new beau and was simply waiting for more game to come along. Hard to say, really, and in the grand scheme of things where she's concerned, it matters very little. She's dead now anyhow.
Good story, although there were subtle clues -- going to a park, with some guy you barely know...alone -- which gave a few hints.
Still, it is well written. Besides, what fan of horror hasn't seen just about all there is to see, or read all there is to read? I'm sure you'll catch some unsuspecting reader off guard with the ending.
In any event, good luck in the contest. :)
~Dean
Comment Written 26-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2015
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Dean Kuch, Thanks a lot for your very nice review. You really do make me laugh. Wonderful. I am glad you liked it.
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The pleasure was all mine. We need more great story writers here. So many concentrate on poetry alone, but I'm trying to do both. It's hard.
Anyhow, you are more than welcome. :)
