Comment from Walu Feral

Excellent

G'day ULLA. That is a very well written and presented short story that had me all the way. It was indeed a surprise ending which is the requirement and I wish you luck. Cheers Fez

 Comment Written 28-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015

Thanks a lot, an your much appreciated review. Ulla

Comment from GWHARGIS

Excellent

Good use of the anticipation of a date to lure the reader in. I liked how you left the reader with no real idea of what happened. Great job on this. Gretchen

 Comment Written 27-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015

Thanks a lot for your very kind review. I am glad ou liked it. Ulla

Comment from Debbie Noland

Good

I think you have a great story draft working here. You keep the reader engaged as the protagonist proceeds to the much anticipated date and then hit us with the surprise ending.

I think the story would be more effective told in third, rather than first, person. Since the protagonist is murdered at the end, she could not realistically be telling this story.

 Comment Written 27-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015

Thanks a lot for a good review. Well, I think the protagonist as you call her can tell the story, because it is no her who is murdered. She will survive to tell the story Ulla

reply by Debbie Noland on 28-Feb-2015

Ah, I see. I will wait to see what she has to say then.

Comment from crowdog110

Good

Overall a good story with a surprise ending as required. I would shy away from some of the more commonly used cliché type phases; all I think have been pointed out. Good luck!

 Comment Written 27-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015

Thanks, Ulla

Comment from donastell20

Excellent

I enjoyed this very much, I think you write very well and create a great story. I don't know if this is a slight error, where it reads "I was looking forward to go out".

Thank you for a great read.

 Comment Written 27-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015

Thanks a lot for your review.Ulla

Comment from Lucille Bellucci

Average

The date certainly went wrong. Calls for more words, maybe turning into a crime novel. "...everything went black" is kind of used up, but apparently she was attacked. I think a few more plot hints in the early body of the flash fiction would have made a proper story.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 27-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015

Thank you , Ulla

reply by Lucille Bellucci on 28-Feb-2015

Proceed to a crime novel!

Comment from Tessa Kay

Good

Well done on an interesting story. There's a few things you could tighten up on a little:
-what a beautiful sight (that) met my eyes -no need for 'that'
- of sheer anticipation and longing - leave out. Makes it telling instead of showing
-'kind of hinted' - he either did or didn't. Maybe better: just 'hinted' or 'suggested'?
-That was / there was / this was - Samish sentence start in close prox. Rephrase?
-This was just the perfect day.... -a bit wordy. Maybe shorten it to: I grabbed a jacket in case a breeze would spring up, jumped into my car and....
-'so I thought' - not needed. We are already listening to what she is thinking.
-'I could see' -same as above, not needed. Just start with 'A boat was bobbing..'
The ending would me more surprising if you left out how there was no sign of Adrian and no answer. Latest by then I already expected that something had happened. If you commented on the beautiful scenery instead and make her skip happily to the back of the boat house, the surprise would be stronger. Just an idea.
Hope any of this is helpful to you.
:) Tessa

 Comment Written 27-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015

It is and thank you, Ulla

Comment from dmt1967

Excellent

I think the beginning was rather sluggish. The first paragraph had to many 'I' in it which made it jerky to read and the first part was all about telling us and not showing us. The reason I gave you a five was the end. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.

 Comment Written 27-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015

Thanks a lot. Learning all the time. Ulla

Comment from alf collier

Excellent

Hi Ulla. You have done a great job telling this story. You have created suspense, brought your character to the right place with casual but natural intention and whammo! I liked it, alf

 Comment Written 27-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015

Thanks very much for your kind review. Ulla

Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin

Excellent

Hi,

Very good story and lead up to a definite surprise ending. One obviously thinks she'll walk in on Adrian with another woman, so you got me.

You certainly could carry this into a novel for sure.

Good luck in the contest.

Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*:*)

 Comment Written 27-Feb-2015

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reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015

Thanks very much for your kind review. Yes, it could be the start of a novel, Have thought that myself. Ulla