Eating Up The Miles
225 words31 total reviews
Comment from Father Flaps
Well done, giraffmang! I enjoyed your prose/poetry entry for the contest. It should perform well in the voting booths. The choppy prose and accurate senryu instalments told the story very well. Everyone gets to sleep but dad.
I'm a terrible long-distance driver. I get too sleepy over the miles. Easily hypnotized, perhaps?
I can feel the tension build as you near the rest stop.
I especially liked your first senryu,
"eyes pierce the night sky
an angry growl from the beast
the miles eaten up" ... I'm thinking you refer to monsters that darkness conceals. You're safe in the car, "miles eaten up", as your "eyes pierce the night". You create some good atmosphere for the journey ahead.
Good imagery here,
"No more kicking the back of my seat. Peace at last." ...brings back memories!
Your poetry and prose blend together, here, as you doze off and tires hit the shoulder of the road,
"Steering wheel pulls left...
Thumping and bumping. The wife awakes. A cry from the rear. A jerk of the head. Eyes snap open, and a pull to the right." ... been there!
What a terrific way to end too,
"Dad sighs. Tunes out the noise. Turns up the stereo.
Chris Rea "Road To Hell." ... there's certainly a lot of talent there! Chris Rea is an excellent guitarist...... rock and roll! You have good taste in music too.
Good Luck in the contest! This poem is a winner.
cheers
Kimbob
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015
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Well done, giraffmang! I enjoyed your prose/poetry entry for the contest. It should perform well in the voting booths. The choppy prose and accurate senryu instalments told the story very well. Everyone gets to sleep but dad.
I'm a terrible long-distance driver. I get too sleepy over the miles. Easily hypnotized, perhaps?
I can feel the tension build as you near the rest stop.
I especially liked your first senryu,
"eyes pierce the night sky
an angry growl from the beast
the miles eaten up" ... I'm thinking you refer to monsters that darkness conceals. You're safe in the car, "miles eaten up", as your "eyes pierce the night". You create some good atmosphere for the journey ahead.
Good imagery here,
"No more kicking the back of my seat. Peace at last." ...brings back memories!
Your poetry and prose blend together, here, as you doze off and tires hit the shoulder of the road,
"Steering wheel pulls left...
Thumping and bumping. The wife awakes. A cry from the rear. A jerk of the head. Eyes snap open, and a pull to the right." ... been there!
What a terrific way to end too,
"Dad sighs. Tunes out the noise. Turns up the stereo.
Chris Rea "Road To Hell." ... there's certainly a lot of talent there! Chris Rea is an excellent guitarist...... rock and roll! You have good taste in music too.
Good Luck in the contest! This poem is a winner.
cheers
Kimbob
Comment Written 28-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015
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Many thanks for the great review. It is very much appreciated
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Gareth. I really enjoyed this one in this very interesting form, which suits your style well. This is an all to familiar scene to me from driving around Australia so many times for so many years and I loved reading about it from you mate. Good luck in the contest. Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015
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G'day Gareth. I really enjoyed this one in this very interesting form, which suits your style well. This is an all to familiar scene to me from driving around Australia so many times for so many years and I loved reading about it from you mate. Good luck in the contest. Cheers Fez
Comment Written 28-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2015
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Many thanks for the fine review, Fez. Much appreciated
Comment from adewpearl
you capture effectively the way a parent/driver can feel after a long, long day on a family car trip
great pairing of poetry and prose
excellent detail
good use of alliteration like in smiles and a stretch
love the shift in mood from weariness to happiness when it's quiet and he has eaten, only to be disturbed again when a child needs the toilet right after leaving the rest stop LOL
Terrific humor in that closing - this will resonate with many! :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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you capture effectively the way a parent/driver can feel after a long, long day on a family car trip
great pairing of poetry and prose
excellent detail
good use of alliteration like in smiles and a stretch
love the shift in mood from weariness to happiness when it's quiet and he has eaten, only to be disturbed again when a child needs the toilet right after leaving the rest stop LOL
Terrific humor in that closing - this will resonate with many! :-) Brooke
Comment Written 27-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2015
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Many thanks for the great review. Very much appreciated.
Comment from Michael Sundaresan
The poetry is outstanding. I like the three line verses the best. You also use short sentences masterfully in your prose. This was a pleasure to read. I have never seen this sort of form before.
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2015
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The poetry is outstanding. I like the three line verses the best. You also use short sentences masterfully in your prose. This was a pleasure to read. I have never seen this sort of form before.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2015
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I haven't written it in this manner either. The great thing here is that you can really stretch yourself as a writer with these various prompts and contests. Many thanks for the great review. Much appreciated
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My pleasure.
Comment from kiwijenny
Ha ha ha this describes many road trips...I loved being awake with my Dad looking out the window....but I would play my recorder...dad would yell...MAKE HER STOP ROBIN
God bless...
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2015
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Ha ha ha this describes many road trips...I loved being awake with my Dad looking out the window....but I would play my recorder...dad would yell...MAKE HER STOP ROBIN
God bless...
Comment Written 26-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2015
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Many thanks for this review. it made me chuckle in the early hours over here! Much appreciated
Comment from Drew Delaney
I feel it. The kicking of the backseat. How annoying that is. This is well written. I don't know the rules but it tells the story, oh, so well. I can relate from a time not that long ago. Well written. Drew
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2015
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I feel it. The kicking of the backseat. How annoying that is. This is well written. I don't know the rules but it tells the story, oh, so well. I can relate from a time not that long ago. Well written. Drew
Comment Written 26-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2015
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Many thanks for this great review. The licking is always the worst. I had a shock when my daughter could finally reach far enough to kick my seat! She is only 3 now but she seems to have been doing it forever! Much appreciated.
Comment from dmt1967
This had a very sinister edge to it my friend, but I have been on trips like this. The driver lets the passengers sleep, only to get told off lol. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2015
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This had a very sinister edge to it my friend, but I have been on trips like this. The driver lets the passengers sleep, only to get told off lol. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2015
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Many thanks for the review. it is very much appreciated
Comment from LIJ Red
Now there is a definitive prompt. Specifies a lot. Sounds like the definition of a Haibun, modified. That dad must love to drive to the sound of loud music underscored by whining. Excellent for story and prompt fulfillment.
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2015
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Now there is a definitive prompt. Specifies a lot. Sounds like the definition of a Haibun, modified. That dad must love to drive to the sound of loud music underscored by whining. Excellent for story and prompt fulfillment.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2015
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Many thanks for the review. Much appreciated
Comment from gypsycaravan
The clever use of kicks in the back of the seat certainly brought back memories. Ha Your mix of poetry and prose is excellent and entertaining. It always happened that someone needed to go potty right after you left the last reststop. Ha.
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2015
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The clever use of kicks in the back of the seat certainly brought back memories. Ha Your mix of poetry and prose is excellent and entertaining. It always happened that someone needed to go potty right after you left the last reststop. Ha.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2015
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Many thanks for the fine review. Much appreciated
Comment from LovnPeace
It was a great job. I could picture every move and emotion. Hate road trips, but you shoulda woke them you know. :) Good luck...good job. Blessings, Barbara
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2015
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It was a great job. I could picture every move and emotion. Hate road trips, but you shoulda woke them you know. :) Good luck...good job. Blessings, Barbara
Comment Written 26-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2015
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Many thanks for the review. It is very much appreciated
