Framed
Viewing comments for Chapter 49 "Mount up, Sarah"A thriller set in Washington
5 total reviews
Comment from alf collier
Hi Bob. Well, he's given Sarah the message but will it help? I'm wondering if she has her own agenda. you tell this story with a natural text that draws the reader in and makes them feel part of a story I am really enjoying, alf
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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Hi Bob. Well, he's given Sarah the message but will it help? I'm wondering if she has her own agenda. you tell this story with a natural text that draws the reader in and makes them feel part of a story I am really enjoying, alf
Comment Written 23-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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Again I thank you. We Jay Squires critique recipients must stick together. I must confess Jay has made a great difference to my writing.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bob. Before I forget, what is the name of the two novels you have published? I would like to look them up. You have a good theme going here and some good images to boot:
" People moved aside to allow the cripple room to pass. He saw a woman carrying a laptop. She didn't fit the image he'd envisioned. He then saw the woman beside her; she was wearing a mini-skirt and she focused intently on studying every passer-by. She hadn't even rated the cripple a second glance.
Suggestions: I was always taught to never begin a chapter with a line of dialogue or the weather. (Food for thought)
""One thing worries me, Tyler," said Arthur. (You don't need the tage here...it is quite clear who is talking prior to this.
And: In Stephen King's book, out in 2004, called "On Writing" he says always stick with two tags ninety-nine percent of the time...Those are "he said" or "he asked" or "she said" "she asked." All others are bad writing..like this: ""Only when I deal with arseholes," she snapped. (Trust me...it does nothing for your writing...the reader will realize or should by your writing that she was snippy.
Keep on grinding away, my friend. Good write overall. Bob
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2015
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Hi, Bob. Before I forget, what is the name of the two novels you have published? I would like to look them up. You have a good theme going here and some good images to boot:
" People moved aside to allow the cripple room to pass. He saw a woman carrying a laptop. She didn't fit the image he'd envisioned. He then saw the woman beside her; she was wearing a mini-skirt and she focused intently on studying every passer-by. She hadn't even rated the cripple a second glance.
Suggestions: I was always taught to never begin a chapter with a line of dialogue or the weather. (Food for thought)
""One thing worries me, Tyler," said Arthur. (You don't need the tage here...it is quite clear who is talking prior to this.
And: In Stephen King's book, out in 2004, called "On Writing" he says always stick with two tags ninety-nine percent of the time...Those are "he said" or "he asked" or "she said" "she asked." All others are bad writing..like this: ""Only when I deal with arseholes," she snapped. (Trust me...it does nothing for your writing...the reader will realize or should by your writing that she was snippy.
Keep on grinding away, my friend. Good write overall. Bob
Comment Written 22-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2015
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Thank you Bob. The only one available is 'The Ultimate Betrayal.'
It's available on amazon or kindle, I think for about $6
I must find myself a copy of Stephen King's book. And thank you for the other tip about starting a paragraph with dialogue. I've not heard that either.
Reviews like this are what I'm after. They lead to improvement. Thank you again
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You are welcome, Bob It's a pleasure to have a member listen and consider my advice. LOL...You know what I mean. Thin-skin...should not become writers. Bob
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could not agree more. we should all be here to learn more
Comment from Jay Squires
Good job, Bob. Short chapter. You run out of words? LOL
A couple of things:
"One thing worries me, Tyler," said Arthur. [Did Arthur wake up? Hmmm.]
Her voice conveyed anger and indignance. [In Bakersfield it's INDIGNITY]
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2015
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Good job, Bob. Short chapter. You run out of words? LOL
A couple of things:
"One thing worries me, Tyler," said Arthur. [Did Arthur wake up? Hmmm.]
Her voice conveyed anger and indignance. [In Bakersfield it's INDIGNITY]
Comment Written 22-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2015
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Will correct them immediately.
Did you check out Alf Collier's poem? It is a fitting tribute to a good man. And I endorse every word.
Thanks again, Jay
Comment from royowen
Well they dumped the cellphone, working out it had an ability to be tracked, and authorities had picked it up in a bin! Tyler meets with the attitudinal reporter, on, all things a bike, warning Sarah Randolph to curb her attitude, another well written and exciting, covert episode, Bob, well done, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2015
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Well they dumped the cellphone, working out it had an ability to be tracked, and authorities had picked it up in a bin! Tyler meets with the attitudinal reporter, on, all things a bike, warning Sarah Randolph to curb her attitude, another well written and exciting, covert episode, Bob, well done, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2015
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Thank you Roy. Hope to punch another one out tomorrow. I'm glad you're enjoying the read
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Well done, Bob
Comment from Jacob Collins
An excellent chapter, Bob, I enjoyed it from beginning to end. I will have to go back and read the other chapters but I liked the dialogue between your characters and the description. A well written piece, I couldn't find any faults...Jacob
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2015
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An excellent chapter, Bob, I enjoyed it from beginning to end. I will have to go back and read the other chapters but I liked the dialogue between your characters and the description. A well written piece, I couldn't find any faults...Jacob
Comment Written 22-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2015
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Thank you Jacob. It is drawing to its conclusion.
Reviews like yours make the effort involved in the writing worthwhile. Thank you again
