Locked Away
Within a shattered soul...54 total reviews
Comment from Delahay
I'm afraid I'm having a little more trouble than I usually do when reading your work in understanding your message. I get the impression of someone institutionalized, either in a prison or a mental hospital, who is tormented by a shattered psyche. Is this where you were going with this?
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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I'm afraid I'm having a little more trouble than I usually do when reading your work in understanding your message. I get the impression of someone institutionalized, either in a prison or a mental hospital, who is tormented by a shattered psyche. Is this where you were going with this?
Comment Written 23-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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It's exact locale is left vague intentionally, Ward. I wanted the reader to be able to formulate their own opinions. The narrator could be cold, dead and already in the ground. He could be in an asylum, or merely locked within a tormented and fevered mind. He could be sitting in a rose garden yet still feels lost, alone and abandoned. The location is secondary and matters little, as those who suffer from manic depression will tell you.
Thank you for your review, my friend. ~Dean
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Mental illness can often leave one alone despite their actual surroundings. It is a sad state of being.
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That it is, my friend. That it is...
Comment from krys123
Dean; notable alliteration in "lingering long", Gasps of ghosts", "sins sublime", "scuttle, scurry", "cold cruel confines", "Dungeons deep" and "soulless sleep". In the amount of alliteration uses really made the reading most interesting and fun and makes the tone role on its use. The rhyming is neither forced nor labored and helpful in the rhythmic flow but more importantly it's rhyming word was contingent to the meeting and concept of each line. Your rhythmic patterns of tempo, meter, cadence and timing all were helpful in making the reading clear, fluid and easy. How can I say this with doing justice but your metaphorical imagery was truly demonstratively descriptive and expertly expressive: "In dungeons deep of soulless sleep it seems I'm one of them, I find. Sweet Mother Earth yawns, beckons--Her open maw is cold damp." It may be the description of your mind being incarcerated by the reality of a caged specter. Which may be the undoing of your own soul's damnation. Thank you for very interesting and mind thoughtfulness piece of poetry in sharing and posting it and may the Lord be with you.
Alex
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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Dean; notable alliteration in "lingering long", Gasps of ghosts", "sins sublime", "scuttle, scurry", "cold cruel confines", "Dungeons deep" and "soulless sleep". In the amount of alliteration uses really made the reading most interesting and fun and makes the tone role on its use. The rhyming is neither forced nor labored and helpful in the rhythmic flow but more importantly it's rhyming word was contingent to the meeting and concept of each line. Your rhythmic patterns of tempo, meter, cadence and timing all were helpful in making the reading clear, fluid and easy. How can I say this with doing justice but your metaphorical imagery was truly demonstratively descriptive and expertly expressive: "In dungeons deep of soulless sleep it seems I'm one of them, I find. Sweet Mother Earth yawns, beckons--Her open maw is cold damp." It may be the description of your mind being incarcerated by the reality of a caged specter. Which may be the undoing of your own soul's damnation. Thank you for very interesting and mind thoughtfulness piece of poetry in sharing and posting it and may the Lord be with you.
Alex
Comment Written 23-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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Thanks, Alex. I appreciate the indepth review and the amount of time and effort used to share them with me.
Thanks so much for reading and sharing your comments about the piece with me. ~Dean
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You are so sincerely welcome Dean. I'm so glad to at least one of us here at Fan Story, like yourself, that writes the way you do. It surely breaks up the monotony and I enjoy it intensely and immensely.
Alex
Comment from Connie C
What I see here, Dean, is a tormented soul that longs to escape. At least, that's how I read this. Your use of imagery is excellent in providing a real sense of doom. And your rhyme, as well, is very impressive. I think this might be the first time I've reviewed anything of yours, and I'm sorry I've missed out all this time. While this is a dark poem, it is nevertheless enjoyable.
Connie
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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What I see here, Dean, is a tormented soul that longs to escape. At least, that's how I read this. Your use of imagery is excellent in providing a real sense of doom. And your rhyme, as well, is very impressive. I think this might be the first time I've reviewed anything of yours, and I'm sorry I've missed out all this time. While this is a dark poem, it is nevertheless enjoyable.
Connie
Comment Written 23-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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So sorry for the cut 'n' paste,
but yet I must, and in my haste,
I'll simply thank you for your time
in reading yet another rhyme.
Thank you!
~Dean ;)
Comment from Warren Rodgers
Hi Dean,
Your poem paints very deeply disturbing images for the reader with good use of alliteration with strong verbs and adjectives to describe the feeling and scene of the speaker. I get a feeling of deep sadness from a tortured soul struggling to get out. You rhythm is good though a few tweaks in the meter could make it more consistent. Still a fine write as usual.
all the best,
Rodger
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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Hi Dean,
Your poem paints very deeply disturbing images for the reader with good use of alliteration with strong verbs and adjectives to describe the feeling and scene of the speaker. I get a feeling of deep sadness from a tortured soul struggling to get out. You rhythm is good though a few tweaks in the meter could make it more consistent. Still a fine write as usual.
all the best,
Rodger
Comment Written 22-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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Thanks for the comments and your review, Rodger. All the best to you as well, my friend. ~Dean
Comment from country ranch writer
take two asprin and call me in the morning what is needed s a good night sleep ha ha. there is no room in your life for pain forget it zilch no more ever
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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take two asprin and call me in the morning what is needed s a good night sleep ha ha. there is no room in your life for pain forget it zilch no more ever
Comment Written 22-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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So sorry for the cut 'n' paste,
but yet I must, and in my haste,
I'll simply thank you for your time
in reading yet another rhyme.
Thank you!
~Dean ;)
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awe stay well my dear friend be lost without you here
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so why the rush I get the bums rush this I will protest!
Comment from boxergirl
Great job, Dean. Strong imagery with your descriptive details about the suffering soul held captive by his demons. Alliteration and perfect rhymes make it flow smoothly.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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Great job, Dean. Strong imagery with your descriptive details about the suffering soul held captive by his demons. Alliteration and perfect rhymes make it flow smoothly.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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So sorry for the cut 'n' paste,
but yet I must, and in my haste,
I'll simply thank you for your time
in reading yet another rhyme.
Thank you!
~Dean ;)
Comment from Dawny53
For me, there are a couple of different scenarios I can place this poor chap in.. but what is most definite is the horrible sense of crazy he is in.. madness at it's best.. he longs for death. Locked away, the only company he has are the shadows. Nice work Dean.. and I hope my interpretation is at least somewhat close
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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For me, there are a couple of different scenarios I can place this poor chap in.. but what is most definite is the horrible sense of crazy he is in.. madness at it's best.. he longs for death. Locked away, the only company he has are the shadows. Nice work Dean.. and I hope my interpretation is at least somewhat close
Comment Written 22-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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Your interpretation is close enough, Dawn. I certainly appreciate you taking a stab at it for me.
Much obliged. ~Dean
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for the pleasure of reading another of your fine poems that uses word choices, as all your poems do, that motivate me to learn and improve my wordsmith abilities. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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Thanks for the pleasure of reading another of your fine poems that uses word choices, as all your poems do, that motivate me to learn and improve my wordsmith abilities. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 22-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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Thanks very much for your review, Ric. I appreciate it as always. ~Dean
Comment from juliesibs
Awesome, very creepy. The rhyme is spot on and the tale sends chills over you as you read. I'm working my mind around whether this is an asylum or death row lock up. Maybe just locked in the mind. Doesn't matter, this is right on guy, and I loved it.
Julie
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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Awesome, very creepy. The rhyme is spot on and the tale sends chills over you as you read. I'm working my mind around whether this is an asylum or death row lock up. Maybe just locked in the mind. Doesn't matter, this is right on guy, and I loved it.
Julie
Comment Written 22-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2015
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Actually I purposely left the exact location vague so the reader could make his or her own assumptions, Julie. I feel it usually works out much better that way.
Thanks so much for your review. ~Dean
Comment from LIJ Red
Hey, grim and gritty is okay, but this sounds a bit depressed. Granted, this last week had blues-inducing weather. The rhymes are solid and the imagery very good, if less than cheerful. Excellent.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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Hey, grim and gritty is okay, but this sounds a bit depressed. Granted, this last week had blues-inducing weather. The rhymes are solid and the imagery very good, if less than cheerful. Excellent.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2015
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So sorry for the cut 'n' paste,
but yet I must, and in my haste,
I'll simply thank you for your time
in reading yet another rhyme.
Thank you!
~Dean ;)
