Let's Talk Dirty!
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Deluded No More"The story about three women who need to make money
11 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
This is an extremely good chapter. Having gained way more weight than I'd care to face, I can feel Karen's pain in this chapter.
I left the 'just's alone, as they fit in pretty well, but check to see how they sound to your ears.
'Just' :-) a couple suggestions:
Moya Angelou (it's Maya)
it was more of a per functionary act than an act of love or passion
(perfunctory)(I looked that one up, to be sure!)
reply by the author on 18-May-2015
  |
This is an extremely good chapter. Having gained way more weight than I'd care to face, I can feel Karen's pain in this chapter.
I left the 'just's alone, as they fit in pretty well, but check to see how they sound to your ears.
'Just' :-) a couple suggestions:
Moya Angelou (it's Maya)
it was more of a per functionary act than an act of love or passion
(perfunctory)(I looked that one up, to be sure!)
Comment Written 16-May-2015
reply by the author on 18-May-2015
-
Where would I be without you? It's things like that I worry about. As I said before, it's so easy to overlook things that would let you down when you publish on Amazon. I hope your movie night was good fun and your not too exhausted by all the reviewing. Thank you! Alexis xxx
Comment from Spitfire
Great scene of showing Karen's frustration using the mirror and old clothes as tools. She's taking the right step with getting rid of the treats. Now she needs to sign up for Jennie Craig. LOL
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2015
 |
Great scene of showing Karen's frustration using the mirror and old clothes as tools. She's taking the right step with getting rid of the treats. Now she needs to sign up for Jennie Craig. LOL
Comment Written 27-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2015
-
I think a lot of us have been in Karen's shoes to some degree. It's just finding the incentive to do something about it that's the problem! Alexis x
Comment from adewpearl
good touch of back story and good character development as she catches sight of her messy self in the mirror
a telling scene as she tries on old clothing she has way outgrown and chides herself for letting herself go
strong ending as she resolves to drop the pounds and whip herself into shape
Brooke
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2015
|
good touch of back story and good character development as she catches sight of her messy self in the mirror
a telling scene as she tries on old clothing she has way outgrown and chides herself for letting herself go
strong ending as she resolves to drop the pounds and whip herself into shape
Brooke
Comment Written 27-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2015
-
Thank you so much for your review, Brooke. Hopefully, Karen will end up being an inspiration to us all--myself included! Alexis x
Comment from Adri7enne
I enjoyed reading this chapter, alexis. You've created a likeable character with a common enough problem and I'm curious to see how Karen finds her solution. Besides, I think it might be humorous and entertaining. Well done, girl.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015
|
I enjoyed reading this chapter, alexis. You've created a likeable character with a common enough problem and I'm curious to see how Karen finds her solution. Besides, I think it might be humorous and entertaining. Well done, girl.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015
-
Hopefully! I think a few people thought the book would be about talking dirty, but nothing could be further from the truth. It's the humorous scenarios that result from what they're doing. Thank you so much for your review. Alexis x
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Alexis. For a bloke that has no attention span so doesn't normally read books, have certainly got me in. You writing is excelent as is this story. It screams to me how shallow men can be. I think Karen maybe be expecting to loose so much weight in a short while, good luck with that. ...I can't believe that I have just typed that LOL. Any way I might just go down to the river and catch me a crocodile to prove I'm still tough, they don't call me Feral for nothing! Great mate, cheers Fez
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015
|
G'day Alexis. For a bloke that has no attention span so doesn't normally read books, have certainly got me in. You writing is excelent as is this story. It screams to me how shallow men can be. I think Karen maybe be expecting to loose so much weight in a short while, good luck with that. ...I can't believe that I have just typed that LOL. Any way I might just go down to the river and catch me a crocodile to prove I'm still tough, they don't call me Feral for nothing! Great mate, cheers Fez
Comment Written 27-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015
-
I'm so flattered! I know a lot of people don't touch anything but poetry here, which makes sense re the member dollar side of things. I think you're right about the amount of weight Karen should lose. When I first started writing the book I based Karen's character on a friend of mine who wanted to lose 70lbs, but realistically, 30 or 40 would be better. Thanks for the idea! Alexis x
Comment from rwilliam
Excellent chapter. I enjoyed it and didn't see anything to critique.
I'm happy Karen's turning a corner and getting back in the game of life.
I look forward to reading more. :-)
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
|
Excellent chapter. I enjoyed it and didn't see anything to critique.
I'm happy Karen's turning a corner and getting back in the game of life.
I look forward to reading more. :-)
Comment Written 26-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
-
I think Karen could be an inspiration for a few people by the time I'm finished with her, including me! I'll probably have to reduce the amount of weight she needs to lose in case I get this turned into a film (that's the plan!) I can't see any actress losing 50 pounds during the filming! Alexis xxx
Comment from Ashar001
Honest, funny and absolutely believable. Odd how words you have known for a long time, suddenly "break through". As a wise man once said: we can only hear the truths, we are ready for.
Also formulated very to the heart (I am not sure this is an English expression) for instance when she realize she wouldn't love herself, so why expect your husband still wants you. It is honest, almost "raw", that paragraph.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
|
Honest, funny and absolutely believable. Odd how words you have known for a long time, suddenly "break through". As a wise man once said: we can only hear the truths, we are ready for.
Also formulated very to the heart (I am not sure this is an English expression) for instance when she realize she wouldn't love herself, so why expect your husband still wants you. It is honest, almost "raw", that paragraph.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
-
So true! I thought it was about time for Karen to hear 'the voice' because other readers have been very concerned about her! Thank you so much for reviewing and your wonderfully generous rating.
Alexis x
Comment from Curly Girly
Another great chapter to the story. Many middle-aged women can identify with this weight gain issue. She's drinking way too much! You have managed to convey her thoughts and emotions well. Please write more!
Some suggestions:
Her blond highlighted hair hadn't even seen a brush that morning,
Suggest:
Her blond highlighted hair had not been brushed that morning,
*Even - is a word we use when we speak, but it is not good in written work.
Typo:
There will I be this time next year?
WHERE will I be this time next year?
In this part you, have used the word 'started' twice:
Midway through her coffee, her mind started to wander. Relaxed by the brandy, the need to practise sexy chat popped into her head again, so she started to fantasise.
Here is my suggestion:
Midway through her coffee, her mind wandered. Relaxed by the brandy, the need to practise sexy chat popped into her head again, so she began to fantasise.
When I went to school, they taught us that these words were all right to use in dialogue: hadn't, she'd, they'd, etc, but not in prose. They are colloquial abbreviations. Outside of the dialogue one should use full words.
Here's a copy and paste regarding the spelling of blond/e:
It sounds like a joke, but it's actually a legitimate question: How do you spell "blond"?
The word comes to English from French, where it has masculine and feminine forms. As an English noun, it kept those two forms; thus, a blond is a fair-haired male, and a blonde is a fair-haired female.
When you're using the word as an adjective, "blond" is the more common spelling and can be used for males or females; however, "blonde" can also be used to describe a woman or girl with fair hair.
- See more at: http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/blond-or-blonde#sthash.9JJK12BC.dpuf
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015
|
Another great chapter to the story. Many middle-aged women can identify with this weight gain issue. She's drinking way too much! You have managed to convey her thoughts and emotions well. Please write more!
Some suggestions:
Her blond highlighted hair hadn't even seen a brush that morning,
Suggest:
Her blond highlighted hair had not been brushed that morning,
*Even - is a word we use when we speak, but it is not good in written work.
Typo:
There will I be this time next year?
WHERE will I be this time next year?
In this part you, have used the word 'started' twice:
Midway through her coffee, her mind started to wander. Relaxed by the brandy, the need to practise sexy chat popped into her head again, so she started to fantasise.
Here is my suggestion:
Midway through her coffee, her mind wandered. Relaxed by the brandy, the need to practise sexy chat popped into her head again, so she began to fantasise.
When I went to school, they taught us that these words were all right to use in dialogue: hadn't, she'd, they'd, etc, but not in prose. They are colloquial abbreviations. Outside of the dialogue one should use full words.
Here's a copy and paste regarding the spelling of blond/e:
It sounds like a joke, but it's actually a legitimate question: How do you spell "blond"?
The word comes to English from French, where it has masculine and feminine forms. As an English noun, it kept those two forms; thus, a blond is a fair-haired male, and a blonde is a fair-haired female.
When you're using the word as an adjective, "blond" is the more common spelling and can be used for males or females; however, "blonde" can also be used to describe a woman or girl with fair hair.
- See more at: http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/blond-or-blonde#sthash.9JJK12BC.dpuf
Comment Written 26-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015
-
This review has taught me so much, and is the way it used to be here on FS before nobody had time to review properly. Thank you, my friend. It is really appreciated. Alexis xxx
Comment from nancy_e_davis
[W]There will I be this time next year? This is too funny. That's how you corrected me on my last poem!
Poor Karen. I think most of us ladies have been there at some point of our life. If we were married I am sure of it. We get so caught up in taking care of everyone else we don't take care of ourselves. Good job Alexis. :<) Nancy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
|
[W]There will I be this time next year? This is too funny. That's how you corrected me on my last poem!
Poor Karen. I think most of us ladies have been there at some point of our life. If we were married I am sure of it. We get so caught up in taking care of everyone else we don't take care of ourselves. Good job Alexis. :<) Nancy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
-
I'm always doing that! Thank you so much for spotting it and your great review. I have to admit being 20 pounds heavier when my husband was alive (all that yummy pasta he used to make us!) I can't say it ever bothered me though! Alexis x
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
My last 6 already! This chapter made me stop and think too, I need to lose 20 lbs, and I must do it or I will be in the state Karen is. Starts tomorrow! Good page, this, Alexis, it has sorted Karen out and now she can start moving forward in more ways than one. I thought it so sad when she belittled herself about how she looked. Women do go through many trials and men don't always help. This is very well written, very true to life. Good job done, my friend. :) xsx
Just one little thing you have to change, when Karen is sitting outside she asks herself:
There (Where) will I be this time next year... You need to change the 't' to a 'w'! xsx Sandra
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
|
My last 6 already! This chapter made me stop and think too, I need to lose 20 lbs, and I must do it or I will be in the state Karen is. Starts tomorrow! Good page, this, Alexis, it has sorted Karen out and now she can start moving forward in more ways than one. I thought it so sad when she belittled herself about how she looked. Women do go through many trials and men don't always help. This is very well written, very true to life. Good job done, my friend. :) xsx
Just one little thing you have to change, when Karen is sitting outside she asks herself:
There (Where) will I be this time next year... You need to change the 't' to a 'w'! xsx Sandra
Comment Written 26-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
-
And I so appreciate it, Sandra! Me too. Christmas is always the same, with at least 10lbs of unwanted baggage! If it wasn't for lent, I would be another 10lbs heavier by Easter. Karen is based on a friend of mine. What I wish for Karen, I wish for her. Well done for picking up my T- it just shows you are reading it from start to finish. Thank you! Alexis x
