Sins of the Father
A Horror Sonnet Contest Entry88 total reviews
Comment from Dawny53
Okay Dean.. I am trying to concentrate here and this music is getting it's way into my head! Ok.. silence now.. there, there, that's better.. reading the bible verses added so much startling power to the poem, an excellent choice of verses I might add. Love the title, loved the poem, and pleased that I have the privlage of supporting your work! Where else but fan story is one allowed to actually contact a writer as talented as yourself?
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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Okay Dean.. I am trying to concentrate here and this music is getting it's way into my head! Ok.. silence now.. there, there, that's better.. reading the bible verses added so much startling power to the poem, an excellent choice of verses I might add. Love the title, loved the poem, and pleased that I have the privlage of supporting your work! Where else but fan story is one allowed to actually contact a writer as talented as yourself?
Comment Written 25-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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I dropped the music, Dawn, as many felt it was more of a distraction than an enhancement, as was intended. I appreciate your candor and the time you took to read and review this for me.,
~Dean
Comment from nancy_e_davis
What's that old saying? Monkey see, monkey do. We set an example for our children no doubt about it. Some rise above bad behavior, but others fall into the same pattern.
This is an excellent sonnet Dean. Well done. :<) Nancy
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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What's that old saying? Monkey see, monkey do. We set an example for our children no doubt about it. Some rise above bad behavior, but others fall into the same pattern.
This is an excellent sonnet Dean. Well done. :<) Nancy
Comment Written 25-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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Thank you very much, Nancy, but I'm not too sure I got the iambic pentameter correct. I imagine I'll go back several times to revisit and reedit it to get it right.
I do appreciate your kindness in being gentle (LOL). I know full well how adept you are at writing sonnets. :)
~Dean
Comment from acerisestory
Your sonnet's message is very impactful, Dean. You are right (your author's notes): " . . . . the sins of their forefathers has brought them under." I've known many families where this is the case -- not only uncontrollable anger and violence but also addictions. Sadly . . . .
Your fine alliteration throughout your poem promotes the great flow of your words. Your abab rhyming is perfect. And, your presentation, as always, is fabulous.
This is a good fine entry for the contest. Best of luck! Alana
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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Your sonnet's message is very impactful, Dean. You are right (your author's notes): " . . . . the sins of their forefathers has brought them under." I've known many families where this is the case -- not only uncontrollable anger and violence but also addictions. Sadly . . . .
Your fine alliteration throughout your poem promotes the great flow of your words. Your abab rhyming is perfect. And, your presentation, as always, is fabulous.
This is a good fine entry for the contest. Best of luck! Alana
Comment Written 25-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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Thanks very much for sharing your personal thoughts and feelings with me on this one, Alana. I truly appreciate your enthusiasm and encouraging review. ~Dean
Comment from hifein
it is indeed ghoulish and would make edgar allen proud -- but how sad when the toll of the reverberating bell of cruelty signals that 'they are coming' - tomorrow' or later or whenever and forebodes fear in one's and cracks one's porcelain skin and heart. very good job in communicating your thoughts and feelings through the poetic medium and in this well formed sonnet.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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it is indeed ghoulish and would make edgar allen proud -- but how sad when the toll of the reverberating bell of cruelty signals that 'they are coming' - tomorrow' or later or whenever and forebodes fear in one's and cracks one's porcelain skin and heart. very good job in communicating your thoughts and feelings through the poetic medium and in this well formed sonnet.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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Thank you very much for such a complimentary review, hifein. I am very grateful. :)
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I don't need to see your name to know you wrote it! You are a unique writer, Dean. I love this one, it is really creepy. Can you write a romantic sonnet? Or anything romantic? I don't mean cuddling up to a headless worm ridden zombie, either! LOL. Good luck in the contest, my friend. :) xsx Sandra
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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I don't need to see your name to know you wrote it! You are a unique writer, Dean. I love this one, it is really creepy. Can you write a romantic sonnet? Or anything romantic? I don't mean cuddling up to a headless worm ridden zombie, either! LOL. Good luck in the contest, my friend. :) xsx Sandra
Comment Written 25-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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Ha-ha, well, I have written romantic poetry on a couple of occasions, Sandra, although they are never as well received as my darker poems are.
Thanks so much for your witty review, and for making me laugh. I needed a good laugh today!
~Dean :)
Comment from lancellot
A sad piece. Yes, a bad parent can reek havoc on a family. Unfortunately, I've seen too many families without a father and the sins of mothers would make your skin crawl. Well crafted, Dean.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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A sad piece. Yes, a bad parent can reek havoc on a family. Unfortunately, I've seen too many families without a father and the sins of mothers would make your skin crawl. Well crafted, Dean.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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Thanks so much for your wonderful comments, Lance, and for taking time out to review this for me. I truly appreciate it. ;}
Comment from Eternal Muse
Dean, this is a powerful poem on its own merit, worth six stars, but this is a sonnet contest, and it has many iambic meter shortcomings.
Iambic meter is metric structure where you start with an unstressed syllable which is followed by stressed. Iambic pentameter is 10 syllables per line and 5 metric feet. Each stressed syllable is a foot.
da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM
Each DUM is a metric foot, which repeats 5 times per line in a sonnet.
Let's take two names - Mary and Marie.
MA-ry starts with a stressed syllable, and as such, is not an iambic meter.
Now, Ma-RIE, on the other hand, starts with an unstressed syllable followed by stressed - thus, it is iambic meter.
Marie, Marie, what do I do with thee? (lol).
Oh, Dean, oh, Dean, you always look so lean. (smile)
Ma-RIE, Ma-RIE, what DO I DO with THEE?
This is a line written in iambic pentameter.
One more example from my own sonnet, "Not in this life":
We'll never see it eye to eye, my friend;
As hard as we may try, it's not to be.
I'm weary of my acts I must defend,
A solitude I crave, away from thee.
You have many lines starting with a stressed syllable, and your iambic meter is off throughout.
It is a gorgeous poem on its own merit, with a powerful message and perfectly presented. But since it is supposed to be a sonnet, I had to downgrade it.
Love, Y.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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Dean, this is a powerful poem on its own merit, worth six stars, but this is a sonnet contest, and it has many iambic meter shortcomings.
Iambic meter is metric structure where you start with an unstressed syllable which is followed by stressed. Iambic pentameter is 10 syllables per line and 5 metric feet. Each stressed syllable is a foot.
da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM
Each DUM is a metric foot, which repeats 5 times per line in a sonnet.
Let's take two names - Mary and Marie.
MA-ry starts with a stressed syllable, and as such, is not an iambic meter.
Now, Ma-RIE, on the other hand, starts with an unstressed syllable followed by stressed - thus, it is iambic meter.
Marie, Marie, what do I do with thee? (lol).
Oh, Dean, oh, Dean, you always look so lean. (smile)
Ma-RIE, Ma-RIE, what DO I DO with THEE?
This is a line written in iambic pentameter.
One more example from my own sonnet, "Not in this life":
We'll never see it eye to eye, my friend;
As hard as we may try, it's not to be.
I'm weary of my acts I must defend,
A solitude I crave, away from thee.
You have many lines starting with a stressed syllable, and your iambic meter is off throughout.
It is a gorgeous poem on its own merit, with a powerful message and perfectly presented. But since it is supposed to be a sonnet, I had to downgrade it.
Love, Y.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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Thank you, Yelena, and I made some changes. I very much appreciate your review, and if you care to revisit the poem, see if it worthy of five stars now, I would appreciate it. :)
~Dean
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Dean, you made great changes on some lines, which shows your understanding of the iambic meter. However, there are still quite a few lines that start with a stressed syllables and are off meter:
Stanza 1, line 2
Stanza 2, lines 1, 2, 3
Also, frailties/miseries are not strict rhymes. This contest is monitored by the committee, not by me this time, and on one of our last sonnet contests they disqualified 7 entries, most for syllable count and rhyming. Just a little warning that the pairing of those two words might backfire.
Stanza 3, lines 2, 3, 4 - start with stressed words, meter is off.
In your final couplet the meter is off on both lines.
I suggest you revising it again, Don't forget the basic principle of a sonnet - unstressed followed by stressed - da-DUM. da-DUM,da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM
There is still a week before deadline - plenty of time to make changes.
Comment from emrpoems
A horror sonnet well done with all the elements satisfied.
Stunning presentation as usual
Most Christians know this and few do anything about it. There are ways to stop the generational curses.
When I pray I ask God to break any maternal or paternal curse so that my children do not fall victim to it
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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A horror sonnet well done with all the elements satisfied.
Stunning presentation as usual
Most Christians know this and few do anything about it. There are ways to stop the generational curses.
When I pray I ask God to break any maternal or paternal curse so that my children do not fall victim to it
Comment Written 25-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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Thanks so much for your wonderful comments, Erica, and for taking time out to review this for me. I truly appreciate it. ;}
Comment from ravenblack
Generational faults or sins passed down like a stain, here as impish demons that know you well to use nature/nurture as a blueprint. A strong sonnet in imagery, language and theme. I'm not a meter person or a foot counter, but several lines seem out of iambic rhythm. I'm glad I did not read this before going to bed or I'd still be up with the lights on.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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Generational faults or sins passed down like a stain, here as impish demons that know you well to use nature/nurture as a blueprint. A strong sonnet in imagery, language and theme. I'm not a meter person or a foot counter, but several lines seem out of iambic rhythm. I'm glad I did not read this before going to bed or I'd still be up with the lights on.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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Thanks so much for your wonderful comments, Ed, and for taking time out to review this for me. I've probably edited this because of the meter twenty times or better since you've reviewed it, LOL. I truly appreciate it. ;}
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This is yet another chillingly wonderful poem by the author here. This is truly macabre and I simply love it. Well done.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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This is yet another chillingly wonderful poem by the author here. This is truly macabre and I simply love it. Well done.
Comment Written 25-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2015
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Thanks so much for your wonderful comments, Tomes, and for taking time out to review this for me. I truly appreciate it. ;}
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I love reading your poems.
