Sins of the Father
A Horror Sonnet Contest Entry88 total reviews
Comment from NomaFaith
Wow this was a scary poem. My favorite lines are:
"Your pain to end soon, it's all that you crave
In peace you'll slumber while damp in the grave...."
Great write.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2015
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Wow this was a scary poem. My favorite lines are:
"Your pain to end soon, it's all that you crave
In peace you'll slumber while damp in the grave...."
Great write.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2015
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Thanks a ton for your kind and encouraging comments, Norma. I am very pleased to know that you enjoyed reading it. ~Dean
Comment from Treischel
An outstanding treatise in poetic verse on the progression of sin from generation to generation. The visualization of the ghosts watching mingled in horrific realities was palpable. Your imagery was excellent.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015
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An outstanding treatise in poetic verse on the progression of sin from generation to generation. The visualization of the ghosts watching mingled in horrific realities was palpable. Your imagery was excellent.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015
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Thank you very much for taking the time required to read and review it for me, Tom. As always, I appreciate it very much. :}
~Dean
Comment from Leineco
This is much more complicated than your usual fare Dean, there's a twisting and twining of just who's to be damned. . . and who will slumber in peace. While the visceral aspects of horror are there - the insidious worm of psychology wriggles through it!
Intriguing.
(5 stars) = EXCELLENT. I would recommend this to a friend! I enjoyed the read and found both the content and the construction admirably accomplished (meter and rhyme impeccable)
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015
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This is much more complicated than your usual fare Dean, there's a twisting and twining of just who's to be damned. . . and who will slumber in peace. While the visceral aspects of horror are there - the insidious worm of psychology wriggles through it!
Intriguing.
(5 stars) = EXCELLENT. I would recommend this to a friend! I enjoyed the read and found both the content and the construction admirably accomplished (meter and rhyme impeccable)
Comment Written 28-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2015
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Thank you, Lorraine, and you're right, it is far, far deeper in meaning than a lot of my posted works. I'm very happy to know that you would recommend this to someone to read. That's very encouraging to know. :)
~Dean
Comment from Winslow
Dear Writer,
It seems that you are in a cage, ensnared in family genetic bonds. For you will go to your grave, there you will lie in the damp and rot away. Hideous and horrible indeed.
Warm regards,
Winslow
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Dear Writer,
It seems that you are in a cage, ensnared in family genetic bonds. For you will go to your grave, there you will lie in the damp and rot away. Hideous and horrible indeed.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 27-Jan-2015
Comment from Just2Write
Hmmm. I know that many traits are inherited that one might not think would be. The universe of genetic makeup is so vast. Things as small as the way you rub your hand on your forehead when you're tired, or under stress. I saw this is a child who had been adopted at birth, and yet, still had those type of familial traits.
I had a creepy Grandfather. Both of those passages haunted me for years. Then I figured, if God were such a bully as to punish me for my grandfather's misdeeds, I was living by the wrong Bible.
A different POV in your poem, Dean. I certainly hope it isn't so.
Rose.
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Hmmm. I know that many traits are inherited that one might not think would be. The universe of genetic makeup is so vast. Things as small as the way you rub your hand on your forehead when you're tired, or under stress. I saw this is a child who had been adopted at birth, and yet, still had those type of familial traits.
I had a creepy Grandfather. Both of those passages haunted me for years. Then I figured, if God were such a bully as to punish me for my grandfather's misdeeds, I was living by the wrong Bible.
A different POV in your poem, Dean. I certainly hope it isn't so.
Rose.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2015
Comment from michaelcahill
If pardon you seek, then won't you be spared.
If you seek pardon, won't you then be spared.
This is awesome. Be careful when you hear "meter problem". That is not the case. You have great meter. Your work always has a great flow and is easy to read. They're just talking about the whole "iambic" thing. I am keenly aware of it having just recently "got it". Ha! Damn, I thought I would never get the stupid da Dum crap in my head. The thing is that you and I both have a natural tendency to prefer Dum da Dum da. That is called trochaic meter and it was good enough for Mr. Poe.
"Once upon a midnight dreary" sounds pretty smooth to me. It's trochaic. So I guess the folks here would say that Poe had meter problems. Ha! To make it iambic just add a word, "Twas once upon a midnight dreary". It's all a big headache and feels impossible until the morning you wake up and you have it. I swear Marillion was correcting every one of mine until like August of last year when he left and I had to get it on my own. Anyway, this was a great piece and there is my meter rant born of two years of frustration. Hahaha. mikey
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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If pardon you seek, then won't you be spared.
If you seek pardon, won't you then be spared.
This is awesome. Be careful when you hear "meter problem". That is not the case. You have great meter. Your work always has a great flow and is easy to read. They're just talking about the whole "iambic" thing. I am keenly aware of it having just recently "got it". Ha! Damn, I thought I would never get the stupid da Dum crap in my head. The thing is that you and I both have a natural tendency to prefer Dum da Dum da. That is called trochaic meter and it was good enough for Mr. Poe.
"Once upon a midnight dreary" sounds pretty smooth to me. It's trochaic. So I guess the folks here would say that Poe had meter problems. Ha! To make it iambic just add a word, "Twas once upon a midnight dreary". It's all a big headache and feels impossible until the morning you wake up and you have it. I swear Marillion was correcting every one of mine until like August of last year when he left and I had to get it on my own. Anyway, this was a great piece and there is my meter rant born of two years of frustration. Hahaha. mikey
Comment Written 27-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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Haha, you're absolutely right, Mikey, I struggle mightily with iambic pentameter. It's probably due to all of the Poe poetry I've studied so extensively. Yeltel and Domino 2 (Ray) gave me many suggestions for this one to try and help me get it "right". Time will tell.
Thanks for the great feedback, Mikey. I really appreciate it.
~Dean
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Dean
An excellent entry for the Horror Sonnet contest. I like the way you deal with the topic of generational sins. Never could understand it. Boggles my mind. Same as eternal suffering in Hell. I don't get the point. It's hard enough to think about eternity in Heaven, but I just don't see the point in eternity in Hell. Perhaps souls cannot be snuffed out... ever.
Poems like this make you think.
I have a couple of suggestions for you.
"With fractured porcelain in bone-white skins,
The ghosts wait patiently, watch all you do."
I suggest,
(Like fractured porcelain in bone-white skins,
Those watching ghosts wait patiently for you.)
"Wraith's loathsome souls reflecting blackened eyes,
shows all your faults, mistakes, dualities."
I suggest,
(Wraith's loathsome souls, reflecting empty eyes,
show all your faults, mistakes, dualities.)
"You hear the doomsday bells as sinner cries"
I suggest,
(You hear the doomsday bell as sinners cry.)
"But gifts unsavory - soon you'll expel."
I suggest,
(Unsavory gifts you will soon expel.)
"Your pain to end soon, it's all that you crave."
I suggest,
(An end to pain is all you ever crave.)
"In peace you'll slumber while damp in the grave..."
I suggest,
(In peace you'll sleep while damp inside your grave...)
I hope that something here might be of some use to you, Dean.
Thanks for sharing, and good luck in the contest!
cheers
Kimbob
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Hi Dean
An excellent entry for the Horror Sonnet contest. I like the way you deal with the topic of generational sins. Never could understand it. Boggles my mind. Same as eternal suffering in Hell. I don't get the point. It's hard enough to think about eternity in Heaven, but I just don't see the point in eternity in Hell. Perhaps souls cannot be snuffed out... ever.
Poems like this make you think.
I have a couple of suggestions for you.
"With fractured porcelain in bone-white skins,
The ghosts wait patiently, watch all you do."
I suggest,
(Like fractured porcelain in bone-white skins,
Those watching ghosts wait patiently for you.)
"Wraith's loathsome souls reflecting blackened eyes,
shows all your faults, mistakes, dualities."
I suggest,
(Wraith's loathsome souls, reflecting empty eyes,
show all your faults, mistakes, dualities.)
"You hear the doomsday bells as sinner cries"
I suggest,
(You hear the doomsday bell as sinners cry.)
"But gifts unsavory - soon you'll expel."
I suggest,
(Unsavory gifts you will soon expel.)
"Your pain to end soon, it's all that you crave."
I suggest,
(An end to pain is all you ever crave.)
"In peace you'll slumber while damp in the grave..."
I suggest,
(In peace you'll sleep while damp inside your grave...)
I hope that something here might be of some use to you, Dean.
Thanks for sharing, and good luck in the contest!
cheers
Kimbob
Comment Written 27-Jan-2015
Comment from skye
I watch for signs of the Borderline Personality Disorder that affected my forebears, and sometimes I see it in child or grandchild, starting to lift its ugly head.
I am grateful for modern medicine.
I think your stark, graphic poem speaks volumes about our lives and what we get through our genetics.
Well done.
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I watch for signs of the Borderline Personality Disorder that affected my forebears, and sometimes I see it in child or grandchild, starting to lift its ugly head.
I am grateful for modern medicine.
I think your stark, graphic poem speaks volumes about our lives and what we get through our genetics.
Well done.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2015
Comment from Thamp
(Ezekiel 18:20)--"The person who sins will die. The son will not bear the punishment for the father's iniquity, nor will the father bear the punishment for the son's iniquity; the righteousness of the righteous will be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked will be upon himself." I enjoyed your work. You do have a way to make us think and beware of the dark side. Thank you for sharing.
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(Ezekiel 18:20)--"The person who sins will die. The son will not bear the punishment for the father's iniquity, nor will the father bear the punishment for the son's iniquity; the righteousness of the righteous will be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked will be upon himself." I enjoyed your work. You do have a way to make us think and beware of the dark side. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2015
Comment from Louise Michelle
Hi Dean,
It's learned behavior and unless adults are exposed to another way, the cycle continues.
I'm liking how you've been incorporating your horror with real-life horrible situations.
'fractured porcelain in bone-white skins' is a fantastic line and really evokes strong images. Nicely done.
Hugs,
Lou
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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Hi Dean,
It's learned behavior and unless adults are exposed to another way, the cycle continues.
I'm liking how you've been incorporating your horror with real-life horrible situations.
'fractured porcelain in bone-white skins' is a fantastic line and really evokes strong images. Nicely done.
Hugs,
Lou
Comment Written 27-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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Thanks, Lou, and thank you for sharing your thoughts with me concerning the poem. As always, I do appreciate it. :) ~Dean
