Let's Talk Dirty!
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Laura returns home"The story about three women who need to make money
9 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
What I like about this chapter is that Paul and Laura's mutual affection shines through. I like the little details of the locations Holland and Germany being mentioned. I'm a sucker for little details that add a bit of a picture for me.
The following are just thoughts on word changes, take what, if any, you like, and leave the rest!
then grabbed herself a diet Coke with ice, before settling down in the living room to eat her meal while she watched TV.
(then grabbed a Diet Coke on ice for herself, settling down in the living room to eat her meal and watch TV.)
She wasn't very hungry anyway, so couldn't be bothered to eat any more.
(She wasn't very hungry and couldn't be bothered to eat more.)
Paul chuckled when he remembered the last time Laura used the computer when he popped out for an hour.
(Paul chuckled as he remembered the last time Laura used the computer when he popped out for an hour) (to avoid using 'when' twice in the sentence)
Take out the 'so' in the last sentence.
reply by the author on 15-May-2015
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What I like about this chapter is that Paul and Laura's mutual affection shines through. I like the little details of the locations Holland and Germany being mentioned. I'm a sucker for little details that add a bit of a picture for me.
The following are just thoughts on word changes, take what, if any, you like, and leave the rest!
then grabbed herself a diet Coke with ice, before settling down in the living room to eat her meal while she watched TV.
(then grabbed a Diet Coke on ice for herself, settling down in the living room to eat her meal and watch TV.)
She wasn't very hungry anyway, so couldn't be bothered to eat any more.
(She wasn't very hungry and couldn't be bothered to eat more.)
Paul chuckled when he remembered the last time Laura used the computer when he popped out for an hour.
(Paul chuckled as he remembered the last time Laura used the computer when he popped out for an hour) (to avoid using 'when' twice in the sentence)
Take out the 'so' in the last sentence.
Comment Written 14-May-2015
reply by the author on 15-May-2015
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All excellent suggestions, Sue, and all used. It's strange how coming back to these chapters and seeing them through your eyes, makes these kind of mistakes start to jump out at me. I knew you would be the perfect catalyst to make my final edit better. Thank you! Alexis x
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I am sad that Laura's son wasn't a little more interested in what his mum has to do everyday and how she is feeling. But some kids are like that. Now she has the computer, she can see what she is letting herself in for. :)
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2015
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I am sad that Laura's son wasn't a little more interested in what his mum has to do everyday and how she is feeling. But some kids are like that. Now she has the computer, she can see what she is letting herself in for. :)
Comment Written 22-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2015
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Yes, there's a stark contrast between Karen and Laura's home life with regard to their children showing affection. Michael's not very communicative, although he does love and respect his mother. Hopefully he can prove that later in the book!
Alexis x
Comment from G.B. Smith
OH OH. This is heading into deep shit land. I have a male friend that used to do sex chat for a living posing as a woman. She said the crap that he went through was horrid; however he made about $400 a night. If she can stand it, this might be her answer
Bear
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
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OH OH. This is heading into deep shit land. I have a male friend that used to do sex chat for a living posing as a woman. She said the crap that he went through was horrid; however he made about $400 a night. If she can stand it, this might be her answer
Bear
Comment Written 16-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
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Apparently, more and more women are doing it here in the UK because women don't get to retire at sixty anymore because they now have to work until they're 67/68. Sometimes a girl just has to do, what a girl has to do! xxx
Comment from Curly Girly
This sounds familiar to many modern mothers. A house with people who do not talk to each other because they are so engrossed in computer games! It sounds real, and believable. I did find it lacking in dialogue though, not too serious for now, but I hope it's coming soon. Good on you for writing about this! It's something I'd never do, but I have a lot of fun thinking about it, lol!
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
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This sounds familiar to many modern mothers. A house with people who do not talk to each other because they are so engrossed in computer games! It sounds real, and believable. I did find it lacking in dialogue though, not too serious for now, but I hope it's coming soon. Good on you for writing about this! It's something I'd never do, but I have a lot of fun thinking about it, lol!
Comment Written 15-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
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Lol, yes, I have a friend who's husband does the same thing after he gets in from work, and it drives her crazy! Alexis xxx
Comment from Glasstruth
Laura's son doesn't know yet, but I don't think it can be kept secret for too long, especially in the same house. The dialogue, but the thinking is in a different place. How will it conclude? I guess I'll have read on. Like how she maneuvers around the situation. I can see this developing into a hilarious story. Write on! Les
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
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Laura's son doesn't know yet, but I don't think it can be kept secret for too long, especially in the same house. The dialogue, but the thinking is in a different place. How will it conclude? I guess I'll have read on. Like how she maneuvers around the situation. I can see this developing into a hilarious story. Write on! Les
Comment Written 14-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
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Hopefully! I think a few people on Fan story are convinced that the book is going to be the title, but it's mostly a comedy, although you wouldn't think so at the start! Thank you so much for your review. Alexis x
Comment from Spitfire
Laura is right to explore her feelings about being a sex operator. Good outer conflict with the isolation of her son. What would this do to their relationship if he finds out?
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Laura is right to explore her feelings about being a sex operator. Good outer conflict with the isolation of her son. What would this do to their relationship if he finds out?
Comment Written 12-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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That is one of the main problems throughout the book. Neither Laura or Karen thought things through at the start. Of course they can't let their children find out, which results in some amusing scenarios! Thank you again for your review. Alexis x
Comment from rwilliam
You're such a good writer I feel like I run out of ways to say "GREAT WRITING!!"
I am all caught up now and I'm really enjoying the book. I'm proud of you. I didn't see anything to critique so I'll just say... *clap * clap * clap. :-D
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
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You're such a good writer I feel like I run out of ways to say "GREAT WRITING!!"
I am all caught up now and I'm really enjoying the book. I'm proud of you. I didn't see anything to critique so I'll just say... *clap * clap * clap. :-D
Comment Written 12-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2015
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Onwards and upwards! Although I've written nearly 75,000 words already, I didn't have a moment to post any more last week because I had friends staying. Back to work! Alexis xxx
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Not a lot to talk about here. Laura a widow who is left almost penniless after they were cheated out of a Hotel and her husband died from the stress of it all. She lives with their son and is very lonely. Good Job Nancy
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Not a lot to talk about here. Laura a widow who is left almost penniless after they were cheated out of a Hotel and her husband died from the stress of it all. She lives with their son and is very lonely. Good Job Nancy
Comment Written 12-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Lol, as I said, actually 'talking dirty' is not really what this book is about, just a teaser to encourage readers to empathise with the situation these three women get themselves into! Laura's son comes good in the end, but doesn't realise how lonely his mother sometimes gets. Boys! Alexis x
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Poor Laura - no wonder she's feeling lonely - I think Michael's being rather self-centred -- but that's young men for you.. they live in a world of their own.
It was strange to be living with someone but rarely see them. - I feel this should be - rarely seeING them.
Great writing, Alexis.
Margaret
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Poor Laura - no wonder she's feeling lonely - I think Michael's being rather self-centred -- but that's young men for you.. they live in a world of their own.
It was strange to be living with someone but rarely see them. - I feel this should be - rarely seeING them.
Great writing, Alexis.
Margaret
Comment Written 12-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Yes, Michael is being rather selfish at the start, but he comes through for Laura in the end. Thank you so much for your review, Margaret. Alexis x
