Fluffy Bunnies - (re-post)
In honour of Dean Kuch's birthday!38 total reviews
Comment from dmt1967
'The bunnies could hear was their own ragged breathing and their hearts beating' I would write 'the bunnies could hear were their own ragged breath and the beat of their tiny hearts,' Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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'The bunnies could hear was their own ragged breathing and their hearts beating' I would write 'the bunnies could hear were their own ragged breath and the beat of their tiny hearts,' Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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Many thanks for your comments and thoughts. Much appreciated
Comment from Max Edon
I enjoyed reading this. What was chasing the bunnies? Was it a dog? Were they in a home or laboratory? Who was locked up in the cage? Dean Ku he's imagination? This was a great story.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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I enjoyed reading this. What was chasing the bunnies? Was it a dog? Were they in a home or laboratory? Who was locked up in the cage? Dean Ku he's imagination? This was a great story.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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The whole story takes place inside Dean's head. The bunnies represent the rare occasions that Dean writes something not quite so dark but these are hunted down by his most powerful muse / inspiration. It is the dark beings and stories that hunt down the rabbits on the muse's behalf. When the rabbits hit the pools of light, they are actually Dean's eyes. It is this that wakes him up. With all that darkness rampant in his mind / brain, he feels compelled to produce another of his horrific opus'.
Well, that's what I think anyway!
GMG
Comment from thee-name
Excellent story. Seen no mistakes.
THE ROOM WAS SMALL, VERY SMALL. THEY HAD NO IDEA HOW LONG THEY HAD BEEN KEPT INSIDE.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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Excellent story. Seen no mistakes.
THE ROOM WAS SMALL, VERY SMALL. THEY HAD NO IDEA HOW LONG THEY HAD BEEN KEPT INSIDE.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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Many thanks for stopping by to read this work. Much appreciated
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THANK YOU!
Comment from jpduck
A very curious story, but parhaps it has to be if you are 'inside the mind of Dean Kuch'! I found it slightly disconcerting that Alice was male. Normally, it is my view that any story which turns out, in the last few sentences, to be a dream, is a cop-out. But, once again, perhaps the ubiquitous DK justifies it. Certainly you have taken a different approach to that of other entries to the contest which I have read.
Some typos/SPAGs:
'grabbed one of *his* ears and began to stroke it gently'
'Undeterred, he and Alice set forth with renewed vigour' ('Set forth' definitely has a feeling of moving forward, whereas what they were actually doing was renewing their attack on the door. I would therefore suggest that 'set to' might be better).
'Ozzy's first thought [once]*was* thank goodness'
'Behind them, there *was* a thundering of noise'
'Alice and Ozzy, wide*-*eyed and panicked*,* blindly ran on'
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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A very curious story, but parhaps it has to be if you are 'inside the mind of Dean Kuch'! I found it slightly disconcerting that Alice was male. Normally, it is my view that any story which turns out, in the last few sentences, to be a dream, is a cop-out. But, once again, perhaps the ubiquitous DK justifies it. Certainly you have taken a different approach to that of other entries to the contest which I have read.
Some typos/SPAGs:
'grabbed one of *his* ears and began to stroke it gently'
'Undeterred, he and Alice set forth with renewed vigour' ('Set forth' definitely has a feeling of moving forward, whereas what they were actually doing was renewing their attack on the door. I would therefore suggest that 'set to' might be better).
'Ozzy's first thought [once]*was* thank goodness'
'Behind them, there *was* a thundering of noise'
'Alice and Ozzy, wide*-*eyed and panicked*,* blindly ran on'
Comment Written 27-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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Ah, but is it a dream? Who knows. I feel the same way about dream endings being 'cop-outs'. Will have a look at those SPAGs. As always, much appreciated.
Comment from thunderrumble
This was exceptionally fun to read. I like the view from the bunnies' perspective... it did have a nightmarish version of Watership Down feel to it. The descriptions were suitably dark, esp. the beying hound. The more I reflect on it, the more it feels like an authentic nightmare. Nicely established peril and mood.
If I might make a small suggestion, there are a few places with redundant descriptions. For example, the bunny had its ear pressed against the old wood door, but then a few sentences later, the "wooden door was thick, it was old" comes back up. Just wondering if you needed both, or if there was perhaps a different way to say one or the other. Of course, since it's from a bunny POV, simple and repetitive might be spot on. Also, the wood of the door was "now soft" as they attempted escape. Was this some sort of magical softness (ie something dreamlike) or was it perhaps dry rot? It just messes up pacing for a second because I had to stop and wonder which you meant.
Speaking of pacing this one's was very good. Some horror stories get a bit ponderous, but this didn't. There were a few other places where you described the same thing two different ways, but yeah, good story.
PS if you were going to do anything else with this, something fun to try might be a revision where you shaved down the descriptions when the bunnies where the focus, to better reflect their simpler fears and needs, and get a bit more Machiavellian and use high-syllable adjectives when doing the perspective of the female in the mysterious floating room, with the hound also simple yet ominous. It might be a fun experiment to give it a bit more complexity.
Good luck with your writing, this was,as I said, very fun to read!
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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This was exceptionally fun to read. I like the view from the bunnies' perspective... it did have a nightmarish version of Watership Down feel to it. The descriptions were suitably dark, esp. the beying hound. The more I reflect on it, the more it feels like an authentic nightmare. Nicely established peril and mood.
If I might make a small suggestion, there are a few places with redundant descriptions. For example, the bunny had its ear pressed against the old wood door, but then a few sentences later, the "wooden door was thick, it was old" comes back up. Just wondering if you needed both, or if there was perhaps a different way to say one or the other. Of course, since it's from a bunny POV, simple and repetitive might be spot on. Also, the wood of the door was "now soft" as they attempted escape. Was this some sort of magical softness (ie something dreamlike) or was it perhaps dry rot? It just messes up pacing for a second because I had to stop and wonder which you meant.
Speaking of pacing this one's was very good. Some horror stories get a bit ponderous, but this didn't. There were a few other places where you described the same thing two different ways, but yeah, good story.
PS if you were going to do anything else with this, something fun to try might be a revision where you shaved down the descriptions when the bunnies where the focus, to better reflect their simpler fears and needs, and get a bit more Machiavellian and use high-syllable adjectives when doing the perspective of the female in the mysterious floating room, with the hound also simple yet ominous. It might be a fun experiment to give it a bit more complexity.
Good luck with your writing, this was,as I said, very fun to read!
Comment Written 27-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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Many, many thanks for the detailed and thorough review. it is very much appreciated. Too much 'fluff' around these days, and not just on the bunnies! I might play around with this at some stage but this was an early entry into the competition but just reposted as I didn't really promote it last time being new and all!
Much appreciated and welcome!
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Gareth. You are a very talented writer mate. This one is a classic and you seem to have pegged Dean Sir. This has got to be in with a big chance and I wish you luck, cheers Fez
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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G'day Gareth. You are a very talented writer mate. This one is a classic and you seem to have pegged Dean Sir. This has got to be in with a big chance and I wish you luck, cheers Fez
Comment Written 27-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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Many thanks for the kind words Fez, this was fun to write! Much appreciated
Comment from chasennov
Who Is Using Who? "Fluffy Bunnies" This is another very good story you have created here. Indeed! Who is using who? I enjoyed the read and thought the formulation was well structured. Well done.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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Who Is Using Who? "Fluffy Bunnies" This is another very good story you have created here. Indeed! Who is using who? I enjoyed the read and thought the formulation was well structured. Well done.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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Many thanks for the review on this piece. I enjoyed writing this. Much appreciated
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You are most welcome.
Comment from emrpoems
Seems you really got int the head of Dean. Your last line shows that you know him very well. He will never stop writing
You have created vivid imagery with your descriptive language
A strong entry for the contest
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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Seems you really got int the head of Dean. Your last line shows that you know him very well. He will never stop writing
You have created vivid imagery with your descriptive language
A strong entry for the contest
Comment Written 26-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2015
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Many thanks for your comments and thoughts on this story. This was a fun write and the competition is a good one. I am glad you enjoyed it. Your time and words are very much appreciated
Comment from adewpearl
you set the stage and create mood well in your opening
"I think we're all clear." Ozzy said - make that a comma to separate the quoted line from the speech tag
I don't know, Ozzy - add comma for direct address
vivid detail of setting
the stuff about the dark and the ether is quite scary
great detail of the howling beast
love the slobbering snout :-)
you create an atmosphere of abject fear well
love the reveal in the closing :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2015
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you set the stage and create mood well in your opening
"I think we're all clear." Ozzy said - make that a comma to separate the quoted line from the speech tag
I don't know, Ozzy - add comma for direct address
vivid detail of setting
the stuff about the dark and the ether is quite scary
great detail of the howling beast
love the slobbering snout :-)
you create an atmosphere of abject fear well
love the reveal in the closing :-) Brooke
Comment Written 26-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2015
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Many thanks for the review, Brooke. This is a great competition, packed to.
As always, your thoughts are much appreciated
Comment from Acquired Taste
This is stunningly good. You're last line - You'll never be done with this - is prophetic. I can picture Dean, laptop warming up, as he argues with the voices in his head. And really, I think he'd agree about the voices... but then I tend to think all of the authors on this site have a myriad of muse pushing them to the edge. And we keep going back for more! Great luck in the contest. Jean
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2015
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This is stunningly good. You're last line - You'll never be done with this - is prophetic. I can picture Dean, laptop warming up, as he argues with the voices in his head. And really, I think he'd agree about the voices... but then I tend to think all of the authors on this site have a myriad of muse pushing them to the edge. And we keep going back for more! Great luck in the contest. Jean
Comment Written 17-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2015
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Thanks very much for the review on this. This is one of my personal favourites! Much appreciated.
