Neighborhood Watch
short story21 total reviews
Comment from Michaelk
That would really suck. Getting rid of one stalker just to realize you have another. The crime was perpetrated quite brilliantly. Call the police, wait for them to take him away, then make your move. It reminds me of the movie 'Minority Report' without all the futuristic stuff.
Good story. I was hooked from the start. The calm, cool detachment that the narrator speaks with is at the same time disarming and fills the reader with tension for what's going to happen. Nice twist at the end.
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That would really suck. Getting rid of one stalker just to realize you have another. The crime was perpetrated quite brilliantly. Call the police, wait for them to take him away, then make your move. It reminds me of the movie 'Minority Report' without all the futuristic stuff.
Good story. I was hooked from the start. The calm, cool detachment that the narrator speaks with is at the same time disarming and fills the reader with tension for what's going to happen. Nice twist at the end.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2014
Comment from humpwhistle
It's hard to write a surprise when everyone knows the surprise is coming. Lone wolf 'watch patrol' guys are inherently creepy. And the fact that he knows so many details about her life is suspicious, too.
In a couple of paragraphs you refer to the stalker as 'you'. The rest of time it's 'he'. Are you talking 'to' him from afar, or about him? Either works, but maybe it should be one or the other.
Best of luck at the polls.
Peace, Lee
He stomps away heartbroken and angry, very angry. He paces the sidewalk for a little while and heads back towards his car. He turns and watches the light in her bedroom extinguish. He walks back hunched over. He slinks up to the back door and punches in the window to gain entrance.
--I'd lose the heartbroken and angry stuff. That's telling. The actions you describe show how he's feeling.
to gain entrance.--isn't that obvious?
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It's hard to write a surprise when everyone knows the surprise is coming. Lone wolf 'watch patrol' guys are inherently creepy. And the fact that he knows so many details about her life is suspicious, too.
In a couple of paragraphs you refer to the stalker as 'you'. The rest of time it's 'he'. Are you talking 'to' him from afar, or about him? Either works, but maybe it should be one or the other.
Best of luck at the polls.
Peace, Lee
He stomps away heartbroken and angry, very angry. He paces the sidewalk for a little while and heads back towards his car. He turns and watches the light in her bedroom extinguish. He walks back hunched over. He slinks up to the back door and punches in the window to gain entrance.
--I'd lose the heartbroken and angry stuff. That's telling. The actions you describe show how he's feeling.
to gain entrance.--isn't that obvious?
Comment Written 29-Dec-2014
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
I suspected all along that he was up to no good, wanting her for himself. It was a predictable ending, given the circumstances, I think. Still, a shocking ending, which may have surprised some readers. Good job overall. :)
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I suspected all along that he was up to no good, wanting her for himself. It was a predictable ending, given the circumstances, I think. Still, a shocking ending, which may have surprised some readers. Good job overall. :)
Comment Written 29-Dec-2014
Comment from Dean Kuch
Man, talk about having a bad day. This poor gal's luck is as bad as it can get. Not only has she been watched by two different stalkers, she was saved by one just to be accosted by him (or worse) after the cops picked up the first guy. As if being a waitress isn't bad enough, being the thankless, extremely tiresome job that it is. Not to mention being a single mother while trying to raise a daughter alone on a waitresses salary. Bad luck in spades!
Great story. It was certainly a surprise. :)
~Dean
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Man, talk about having a bad day. This poor gal's luck is as bad as it can get. Not only has she been watched by two different stalkers, she was saved by one just to be accosted by him (or worse) after the cops picked up the first guy. As if being a waitress isn't bad enough, being the thankless, extremely tiresome job that it is. Not to mention being a single mother while trying to raise a daughter alone on a waitresses salary. Bad luck in spades!
Great story. It was certainly a surprise. :)
~Dean
Comment Written 29-Dec-2014
Comment from Carole Rosa
To the author of "Neighborhood Watch". I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. Your story is correct by the word count. Your photo is appropriate to portray a stalker, but the story is confusing to me. However, in my opinion, you need to receive a rating of five for the effort that you put into your work. Good luck in the contest. Carole
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To the author of "Neighborhood Watch". I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. Your story is correct by the word count. Your photo is appropriate to portray a stalker, but the story is confusing to me. However, in my opinion, you need to receive a rating of five for the effort that you put into your work. Good luck in the contest. Carole
Comment Written 28-Dec-2014
Comment from Selina Stambi
Very well written. A stalker stalking a stalker - both having their eye on the same woman.
The story had me guessing and interested.
The final line, though ..."If your daughter awakens, she's dead." ... it might be good to elaborate on it a wee bit. It left me with an unsettled sort of feeling, not quite sure what exactly was transpiring.
Best wishes for the contest. All the best for 2015.
Sonali
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Very well written. A stalker stalking a stalker - both having their eye on the same woman.
The story had me guessing and interested.
The final line, though ..."If your daughter awakens, she's dead." ... it might be good to elaborate on it a wee bit. It left me with an unsettled sort of feeling, not quite sure what exactly was transpiring.
Best wishes for the contest. All the best for 2015.
Sonali
Comment Written 28-Dec-2014
Comment from adewpearl
He'll find out the truth, and when reality and his delusion don't match - I added both commas
Though I guessed the identity/purpose of the narrator before the surprise ending, I still like the premise of your story and your narrator's observations
Brooke
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He'll find out the truth, and when reality and his delusion don't match - I added both commas
Though I guessed the identity/purpose of the narrator before the surprise ending, I still like the premise of your story and your narrator's observations
Brooke
Comment Written 28-Dec-2014
Comment from country ranch writer
WHAT A LOUSE HE IS HE WANTED HER FOR HIMSELF PRETENDING TO BE WATCHING OVER HER LOUSE, LOUSE YOUR DIRTY LOUSE. HE TO WILL BE ON THE SHORT END OF THE STICK FOR GOD DON'T LIKE UGLY
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WHAT A LOUSE HE IS HE WANTED HER FOR HIMSELF PRETENDING TO BE WATCHING OVER HER LOUSE, LOUSE YOUR DIRTY LOUSE. HE TO WILL BE ON THE SHORT END OF THE STICK FOR GOD DON'T LIKE UGLY
Comment Written 28-Dec-2014
Comment from Jay Squires
An entertaining story, well-told. The ending was definitely a surprise.
for a little one on one conversation. [Need to hyphenate: one-on-one]
Good job.
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An entertaining story, well-told. The ending was definitely a surprise.
for a little one on one conversation. [Need to hyphenate: one-on-one]
Good job.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2014
Comment from Dr. Nad
Thanks for sharing "Neighborhood Watch" with us. We all have our own unique ways of disseminating this sensitive information and this poem uses twists and empathy to draw us in. You had me with your final twist. Again thank you for sharing something that sadly we all can relate to.
PS you might want to change your "person" You went from the reader being the perp. to: He's doing everything exactly as I expect.
May God Bless You Good Luck in the Contest
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Thanks for sharing "Neighborhood Watch" with us. We all have our own unique ways of disseminating this sensitive information and this poem uses twists and empathy to draw us in. You had me with your final twist. Again thank you for sharing something that sadly we all can relate to.
PS you might want to change your "person" You went from the reader being the perp. to: He's doing everything exactly as I expect.
May God Bless You Good Luck in the Contest
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2014
