The Ghost of Marion Lear
A tale of love, loss and revenge in the old west...75 total reviews
Comment from amahra
Shady Lady saloon,[love this title for a saloon] I always get a big kick out of your poems. They're so meticulously worded and well written. Loved all the clear black and white art images.
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2014
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Shady Lady saloon,[love this title for a saloon] I always get a big kick out of your poems. They're so meticulously worded and well written. Loved all the clear black and white art images.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2014
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Thanks for your kind and thoughtful review, Amahra. Much obliged!
~Dean
Comment from krys123
Dean; I enjoyed your reading very much the first time around was difficult for me but the second and third time I got the just of the story and I read it fairly quickly and smoothly. I always like the gunslinging, Street brawling fight and you did it so well.
The rhyming was unique and at times it faltered but mostly it was neither forced nor labored and helped with the rhythmic flow. Is the internal rhyming that sometimes was uneasy to read but at the second time's things seem to flow into each other quite well. Thank you for sharing this beautiful gunslinging tell in a quiet town and again thank you for the amusement that I had from reading your great poem and tale. May have a very Merry Christmas day and God bless.
Alex
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2014
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Dean; I enjoyed your reading very much the first time around was difficult for me but the second and third time I got the just of the story and I read it fairly quickly and smoothly. I always like the gunslinging, Street brawling fight and you did it so well.
The rhyming was unique and at times it faltered but mostly it was neither forced nor labored and helped with the rhythmic flow. Is the internal rhyming that sometimes was uneasy to read but at the second time's things seem to flow into each other quite well. Thank you for sharing this beautiful gunslinging tell in a quiet town and again thank you for the amusement that I had from reading your great poem and tale. May have a very Merry Christmas day and God bless.
Alex
Comment Written 23-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2014
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Thanks for your kind and thoughtful review, Alex. Much obliged!
~Dean
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You are so welcome Dean and I hope the reindeer don't damage your roof.
Alex
Comment from crzypnter
Hey Dean,
As one that has check out Charles page I would dare to say you most definitely done him proud. A wonderful dedication and poem. I liked this very much. As usual well done.
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Hey Dean,
As one that has check out Charles page I would dare to say you most definitely done him proud. A wonderful dedication and poem. I liked this very much. As usual well done.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2014
Comment from kittykatnoel
Most excellent writing and story in a poem. Your skill with words and story telling is quite apparent here, though one line seemed off whether in punctuation or word choice I'm not sure, "then stared into eyes". Seems like it needs a "the" or comma, I just couldn't seem to get the rhythm correct. Good poem, thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2014
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Most excellent writing and story in a poem. Your skill with words and story telling is quite apparent here, though one line seemed off whether in punctuation or word choice I'm not sure, "then stared into eyes". Seems like it needs a "the" or comma, I just couldn't seem to get the rhythm correct. Good poem, thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2014
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Thanks for your kind and thoughtful review, kitty, and I made a change to that line, so I appreciate you catching that for me. Much obliged!
~Dean
Comment from Toyjenna
This piece is totally awesome! Extremely entertaining and fun to read. Flows nicely and excellent use of rhyme. I would recommend this to everyone.
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2014
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This piece is totally awesome! Extremely entertaining and fun to read. Flows nicely and excellent use of rhyme. I would recommend this to everyone.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2014
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Thanks very much for your kind and thoughtful review, Toyjenna. Much obliged!
~Dean
Comment from Genya
Well, this was different.... and I have to say it was great to read. Reminded me of some of the old Western films I used to watch in the olden days. Great rhythm and rhyme throughout and a great little story. Poor Marion though, she lost the love of her life. Loved the story poem. Have a Merry Christmas Dean and don't stay up too late Christmas Eve or else Santa won't bring you any toys. ..... Genya
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2014
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Well, this was different.... and I have to say it was great to read. Reminded me of some of the old Western films I used to watch in the olden days. Great rhythm and rhyme throughout and a great little story. Poor Marion though, she lost the love of her life. Loved the story poem. Have a Merry Christmas Dean and don't stay up too late Christmas Eve or else Santa won't bring you any toys. ..... Genya
Comment Written 23-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2014
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Thanks, Genya, and Santa gave up on bringing me anything for Christmas a long, l-o-o-o-o-o-o-n-g time ago. It could've had something to do with that pot of boiling water I put over top of the fire in the fireplace several years ago. But, hey, I was hungry! heh-heh...
~Merry Christmas ;)
Comment from kiwisteveh
Dean, this is a fine story in true western style with the added touch of the ghost tale to give it more atmospherics. It is always challenging to convey the details of such a tale while maintaining both rhyme and meter and here you add to the level of difficulty by opting for an internal rhyme as well.
For me, that is the only thing that doesn't quite come off - the placement of the internal rhyme varies too much from line to line. There are places where it works well, fitting in nicely with the underlying meter e.g. The tumbleweed steamed while the hot sun beamed....
but others where it works against your meter:
When the dust finally cleared it appeared....
Here the rhymes are almost next to each other. The overall effect is that the reader can't get into the flow by anticipating regularity of the rhymes.
You probably know Robert Service's poem 'The Cremation of Sam Magee' where he uses a similar technique. Here are the first lines:
There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.
He uses some variation in placement of the rhyming words, but only a little. The ear can anticipate the first word coming as the 4th, 5th or occasionally 6th syllable in the line and then the second word of the pair a similar gap away.
Sorry to rabbit on about it, but I think in a story poem which is intended to be read aloud, the regular rhythm is an integral feature. I'm sure an expert reader could do a great job with your piece by smoothing out some of the lines, but for the first time reader it feels a bit awkward.
Anyway, a very merry Christmas and a Happy new year to you - I look forward to more of your spookiness next year.
Steve
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2014
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Dean, this is a fine story in true western style with the added touch of the ghost tale to give it more atmospherics. It is always challenging to convey the details of such a tale while maintaining both rhyme and meter and here you add to the level of difficulty by opting for an internal rhyme as well.
For me, that is the only thing that doesn't quite come off - the placement of the internal rhyme varies too much from line to line. There are places where it works well, fitting in nicely with the underlying meter e.g. The tumbleweed steamed while the hot sun beamed....
but others where it works against your meter:
When the dust finally cleared it appeared....
Here the rhymes are almost next to each other. The overall effect is that the reader can't get into the flow by anticipating regularity of the rhymes.
You probably know Robert Service's poem 'The Cremation of Sam Magee' where he uses a similar technique. Here are the first lines:
There are strange things done in the midnight sun
By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.
He uses some variation in placement of the rhyming words, but only a little. The ear can anticipate the first word coming as the 4th, 5th or occasionally 6th syllable in the line and then the second word of the pair a similar gap away.
Sorry to rabbit on about it, but I think in a story poem which is intended to be read aloud, the regular rhythm is an integral feature. I'm sure an expert reader could do a great job with your piece by smoothing out some of the lines, but for the first time reader it feels a bit awkward.
Anyway, a very merry Christmas and a Happy new year to you - I look forward to more of your spookiness next year.
Steve
Comment Written 23-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2014
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Thanks, Steve, and I'll look into seeing if I can smooth it out a bit more.
I'm a big fan of much of Robert Service's works; The Ballad of Blasphemous Bill, The Living Dead, and No Sunday Chicken, just to name a few.
Thanks for taking the time to give me your run down on this. I look forward to reading more of your work next year as well.
Happy holidays, and a very Merry Christmas to you & your entire family.
~Dean
Comment from Just2Write
A western story with a different twist. You don't hear many ghost / love stories out of the old west - but I'm sure there's plenty of them waiting to be told. Nice use of end rhyme and internal rhyme in a lyrical way to tell the tale too.
Poor Marion. She got such a raw deal.
Rose.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2014
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A western story with a different twist. You don't hear many ghost / love stories out of the old west - but I'm sure there's plenty of them waiting to be told. Nice use of end rhyme and internal rhyme in a lyrical way to tell the tale too.
Poor Marion. She got such a raw deal.
Rose.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2014
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Thank you very much, Rose. It certainly sounded that way, right?
~Merry Christmas! ~Dean
Comment from acerisestory
Wow -- this is a well told story, Dean! Marion got her revenge, but I was sorry to hear that she remained a spinster. That's true love. Randy was the one and only guy for her! Your accompanying artwork is a great enhancement for your tale.
Your poem has a great flow (even better when read aloud), and you've made wonderful use of imagery. Your alliteration is spot on (too many times to mention!).
Great story! I hope your holidays are the best. Take care. Alana
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2014
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Wow -- this is a well told story, Dean! Marion got her revenge, but I was sorry to hear that she remained a spinster. That's true love. Randy was the one and only guy for her! Your accompanying artwork is a great enhancement for your tale.
Your poem has a great flow (even better when read aloud), and you've made wonderful use of imagery. Your alliteration is spot on (too many times to mention!).
Great story! I hope your holidays are the best. Take care. Alana
Comment Written 23-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2014
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Thanks, Alana, and I hope your are too.
~Merry Christmas! ~Dean
Comment from amada
A very well done Western, it reminded me of one of Clint Eastwood movies. Fast paced and with much of bravado. I will check Charlie's works.
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2014
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A very well done Western, it reminded me of one of Clint Eastwood movies. Fast paced and with much of bravado. I will check Charlie's works.
Comment Written 23-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 23-Dec-2014
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Thanks, Amada. If you like westerns then you'll love Charlie's work. :)
~Dean
