The House
If these old walls could talk50 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
beautiful pairing of photo and poem
solid use of abcb rhyming
good use of iambic meter in 8/6/8/6 count
vivid detail of setting
strong sensory appeal and strong emotional appeal
I like the turn in the closing, even if it is sad. Brooke
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014
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beautiful pairing of photo and poem
solid use of abcb rhyming
good use of iambic meter in 8/6/8/6 count
vivid detail of setting
strong sensory appeal and strong emotional appeal
I like the turn in the closing, even if it is sad. Brooke
Comment Written 20-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014
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Thank you Brooke for a thoughtful and encouraging review.
Happy New Year
Janet
Comment from Domino 2
Nice to see you posting, Janet.
No need to abbreviate 'every' to retain the meter, IMO, as abbreviations can be distracting, and the word has a silent middle syllable anyway.
I'm a fan of proximate rhymes rather than forced perfect rhymes, but I find 'lock/talk' a bit of a stretch - though that could be a difference in pronunciation.
Excellent flow and enjambment throughout, plus extremely well-written.
Held my attention throughout.
Perfect ending.
Despite my couple of minor nit-picks, this is worth a sixer from me - still one left on a Saturday evening. :-)
Best wishes, Ray xx
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2014
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Nice to see you posting, Janet.
No need to abbreviate 'every' to retain the meter, IMO, as abbreviations can be distracting, and the word has a silent middle syllable anyway.
I'm a fan of proximate rhymes rather than forced perfect rhymes, but I find 'lock/talk' a bit of a stretch - though that could be a difference in pronunciation.
Excellent flow and enjambment throughout, plus extremely well-written.
Held my attention throughout.
Perfect ending.
Despite my couple of minor nit-picks, this is worth a sixer from me - still one left on a Saturday evening. :-)
Best wishes, Ray xx
Comment Written 20-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2014
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A six from you Ray is a great compliment. I will change the ev'ry to every. I was working to keep the syllable count correct but I don't like to use abbreviations if I can help it. So happy you liked this one.
Thank you Ray and best wishes to you.
Janet
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No probs, Janet - TOP read!
I forgot to add you included excellent imagery and atmosphere. I tried to add that to my review, but the editor wouldn't allow it - which sometimes happens when six-rating. xx
Comment from misscookie
Just looking at the ARTWORK YOU CHOOSE FOR YOUR POEM
ONE CAN TELL THERE ARE MANY STORIES TO BE TOLD.
I CAN RELATE TO YOUR POEM EACH TIME I PASS OUR OLD HOME
THE ONLY DIFFERNCE SOMEONE ELSE LIVES THERE.
I PRAY THEY ARE As happy as we were even though rough and sad times when death knocked on our door.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014
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Just looking at the ARTWORK YOU CHOOSE FOR YOUR POEM
ONE CAN TELL THERE ARE MANY STORIES TO BE TOLD.
I CAN RELATE TO YOUR POEM EACH TIME I PASS OUR OLD HOME
THE ONLY DIFFERNCE SOMEONE ELSE LIVES THERE.
I PRAY THEY ARE As happy as we were even though rough and sad times when death knocked on our door.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014
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Thank you misscookie for a thoughtful and encouraging review.
Happy New Year
Janet
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I love the poem Janet. I am writing one similar to this. Old houses seem to have a life of their own. I always wish they could talk and tell us the story of the families who lived there. I really like the last two verses. Well done. Nancy
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014
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I love the poem Janet. I am writing one similar to this. Old houses seem to have a life of their own. I always wish they could talk and tell us the story of the families who lived there. I really like the last two verses. Well done. Nancy
Comment Written 20-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014
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Thank you Nancy for a thoughtful and encouraging review. I look forward to reading your "old house" poem.
Happy New Year
Janet
Comment from Dr. Nad
Thanks for sharing "Jesus comes to me" This is an excellent poem, good flow and rhyming make it complete. I love the way you tell all of us how God loves us, through family and our homes. You also remind us how he is concerned for us, and our provision. This is a great tribute to our Lord and master. May God Bless You. Merry Christmas.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014
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Thanks for sharing "Jesus comes to me" This is an excellent poem, good flow and rhyming make it complete. I love the way you tell all of us how God loves us, through family and our homes. You also remind us how he is concerned for us, and our provision. This is a great tribute to our Lord and master. May God Bless You. Merry Christmas.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014
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Thank you for a thoughtful and encouraging review.
Happy New Year
Janet
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You are very welcome,
Embrace the Love from above!
Comment from Debbie Noland
This is a lovely poem showing once again that, indeed, we can't go home again. I think it accurately captures the feeling we all of a certain age or stage of life have when we go back to see "the old house."
The abcb rhyme scheme and meter are perfectly executed but not overbearing. I also like the contrast between the first and last stanzas, which describe the house then and now using concrete symbols like welcome mat, shutters, keys, lock.
I have two suggestions to consider if you are so inclined: One is to add a stanza or two to the body (following Stanza 3) showing more of the family life that existed there in the past. Maybe there could be a stanza about the father and then the children, for example. That way the reader get a sense of the entire family circle that was nurtured there and, with the addition of corresponding imagery (like the biscuits and pie for Mom), could help to root the piece in a particular era of the past, the '60s for example.
The second is to use more (minimal, yes, but more) punctuation to more clearly delineate thought groupings and to help the reader separate those units. The separate lines alone don't always accomplish that, and as a result, the reader sometimes has to backtrack.
For example, consider a comma after Line 2 in Stanza 1, and use two periods (or at least a semicolon) in the second stanza since you have two independent clauses there. As it is, you use only a single period at the end of each stanza rather than at the end of each sentence. Stanza 3 in its present form is also two sentences (or, at least, two independent clauses) that need some sort of separation for clarity.
I love the final stanza with the personification of the wind's being able to whisper to you. I also like the concluding thought that our concept of home changes as we change immediate families. You capture that universal human experience expertly, and I like the poem very much.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014
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This is a lovely poem showing once again that, indeed, we can't go home again. I think it accurately captures the feeling we all of a certain age or stage of life have when we go back to see "the old house."
The abcb rhyme scheme and meter are perfectly executed but not overbearing. I also like the contrast between the first and last stanzas, which describe the house then and now using concrete symbols like welcome mat, shutters, keys, lock.
I have two suggestions to consider if you are so inclined: One is to add a stanza or two to the body (following Stanza 3) showing more of the family life that existed there in the past. Maybe there could be a stanza about the father and then the children, for example. That way the reader get a sense of the entire family circle that was nurtured there and, with the addition of corresponding imagery (like the biscuits and pie for Mom), could help to root the piece in a particular era of the past, the '60s for example.
The second is to use more (minimal, yes, but more) punctuation to more clearly delineate thought groupings and to help the reader separate those units. The separate lines alone don't always accomplish that, and as a result, the reader sometimes has to backtrack.
For example, consider a comma after Line 2 in Stanza 1, and use two periods (or at least a semicolon) in the second stanza since you have two independent clauses there. As it is, you use only a single period at the end of each stanza rather than at the end of each sentence. Stanza 3 in its present form is also two sentences (or, at least, two independent clauses) that need some sort of separation for clarity.
I love the final stanza with the personification of the wind's being able to whisper to you. I also like the concluding thought that our concept of home changes as we change immediate families. You capture that universal human experience expertly, and I like the poem very much.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014
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Thank you for a thoughtful and encouraging review. I appreciate your suggestions. I was raised by a single mom and my grandma so I don't have any memories to create a stanza about a father. One younger sister who was 10 years my junior doesn't add sibling memories. Punctuation is one of my shortcomings. I plan to take a class in that one of these days. Thank you so very much for your constructive help.
Happy New Year
Janet
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OK--then maybe a grandma verse? Or pets? I just sensed the desire for a picture there that was somehow a bit more complete. It is really a nice piece of writing.
Comment from Samuel Dickens
First of all, let me say I'm sorry to hear about your niece. That awful disease took one of my sisters.
On the poem--it's lovely. Music, really, because the scene you portray of a happy past there sounds like one of my own memories, growing up in the rural south. I could go on and on.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014
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First of all, let me say I'm sorry to hear about your niece. That awful disease took one of my sisters.
On the poem--it's lovely. Music, really, because the scene you portray of a happy past there sounds like one of my own memories, growing up in the rural south. I could go on and on.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014
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Thank you Samuel for a thoughtful and encouraging review and for your concern for my niece. We had a great Christmas with her and hope to have her a while longer.
Happy New Year
Janet
Comment from gypsycaravan
The poem is lovely and glad it first triggered those happy memories. Concentrate on the happy memories you have with your niece also. So sorry she is so ill. Just added her to my prayer list.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014
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The poem is lovely and glad it first triggered those happy memories. Concentrate on the happy memories you have with your niece also. So sorry she is so ill. Just added her to my prayer list.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014
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Thank you for a thoughtful and encouraging review and for your concern for my niece. We had a great Christmas with her and hope to have her a while longer.
Happy New Year
Janet
Comment from emrpoems
moments of nostalgia that we all have when we visit or simply remember those good old days in loving hoes that we had to abandon for one reason or another
Good rhythm and thyme
Good enjambment
Enjoyed reading this light hearted poem
Happy Holidays
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reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014
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moments of nostalgia that we all have when we visit or simply remember those good old days in loving hoes that we had to abandon for one reason or another
Good rhythm and thyme
Good enjambment
Enjoyed reading this light hearted poem
Happy Holidays
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014
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Thank you for a thoughtful and encouraging review.
Happy New Year
Janet
Comment from granny goes viral
Gee, that old house looks lonely and abandoned. Your lovely poem suggested otherwise. However after reading your note,
I could understand the visual as compared to the poem.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014
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Gee, that old house looks lonely and abandoned. Your lovely poem suggested otherwise. However after reading your note,
I could understand the visual as compared to the poem.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2014
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Thank you for a thoughtful and encouraging review.
Happy New Year
Janet
