Butterflies
100 words on a first kiss with a stranger11 total reviews
Comment from Dean Kuch
Wow. I didn't see that comin', Gareth, that's for sure. You packed quite a punch in just 100 words, and I'm sorry I missed out on the contest voting. So much holiday happenings going on as of late that I'm afraid I got here a little too late, by the looks of things.
Still, your entry was excellent I felt, if that's any consolation at all...
Great work! ~Dean
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2014
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Wow. I didn't see that comin', Gareth, that's for sure. You packed quite a punch in just 100 words, and I'm sorry I missed out on the contest voting. So much holiday happenings going on as of late that I'm afraid I got here a little too late, by the looks of things.
Still, your entry was excellent I felt, if that's any consolation at all...
Great work! ~Dean
Comment Written 20-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2014
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Thanks Dean, coming from you it does mean a lot! Cheers man
Gareth
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Cheers. :)
Comment from Walu Feral
Wow such passion. I could actually see the scene you have painted here in this nice little story. Great job and I wish you all the best in the contest. Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2014
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Wow such passion. I could actually see the scene you have painted here in this nice little story. Great job and I wish you all the best in the contest. Cheers Fez
Comment Written 20-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2014
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Thanks for reading and your encouraging review. Much appreciated
Comment from adewpearl
Wow, that was one dramatic and unexpected ending - a compelling story for the 100 word dash contest that caught me completely off guard :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
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Wow, that was one dramatic and unexpected ending - a compelling story for the 100 word dash contest that caught me completely off guard :-) Brooke
Comment Written 19-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review. It is much appreciated. I wanted to see if I could still 'flip' a story in 100 words. These short ones are quite challenging. I enjoy them. Thanks again
Comment from mommerry
I couldn't give your story a poor rating because there were no big mistakes in rules of writing but I can't figure out what it was about. What did butterflies have to do with someone murdering her o-- but she liked it -- or was she undergoing surgery and the doctor kissed her. I just didn't get it.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
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I couldn't give your story a poor rating because there were no big mistakes in rules of writing but I can't figure out what it was about. What did butterflies have to do with someone murdering her o-- but she liked it -- or was she undergoing surgery and the doctor kissed her. I just didn't get it.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
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The whole first section is about the experience she is undergoing with this man, leading up to the kiss. This includes the feeling of having 'butterflies in your stomach' when you are excited or nervous. Then unexpectedly someone gets stabbed. One of the characters is not what they seem. It was designed to work in two ways. Either the woman has been taken in by the man who plans on stabbing her or he is taken in by her. It is deliberately written in this way. Perhaps I should have substituted Then for As in the last line?
Comment from mfowler
I'm thinking gender reassignment surgery judging by the clues released in the final sentences.
This is good flash as you've put us in a situation as readers wherby we can make guesses about what's about to occur, but really don't know what's happening until the final reveal. Clever writing, most original theme, and well handled in terms of the mystery of things.
Best of luck in the final.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
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I'm thinking gender reassignment surgery judging by the clues released in the final sentences.
This is good flash as you've put us in a situation as readers wherby we can make guesses about what's about to occur, but really don't know what's happening until the final reveal. Clever writing, most original theme, and well handled in terms of the mystery of things.
Best of luck in the final.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
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Thanks for reading and giving me feedback.
Comment from jpduck
I am not sure what difference in meaning there is between 'dizzy' and 'giddy'. I'm wondering if 'giddy perhaps' neatly provided the final two words required. What an old cynic I am!
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
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I am not sure what difference in meaning there is between 'dizzy' and 'giddy'. I'm wondering if 'giddy perhaps' neatly provided the final two words required. What an old cynic I am!
Comment Written 19-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
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Giddy in frivolous and light-hearted. Dizzy as in losing balance. Perhaps. Thanks for reading. Nothing wrong with a healthy dose of cynicism!
Comment from gypsycaravan
Interesting! Why is she enjoying it so as a knife cuts into her belly. Very descriptive-pulled me in to the story only to be shocked. Good job of writing.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
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Interesting! Why is she enjoying it so as a knife cuts into her belly. Very descriptive-pulled me in to the story only to be shocked. Good job of writing.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
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The butterflies follow the kiss and then the knife - OR - is she the one who cuts? Ponder?
Comment from Domino 2
WOW - this is certainly dramatic and dark, with a subtly gory ending.
Excellent creepy build-up.
Top use of word economy.
Good luck and best wishes, Ray
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
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WOW - this is certainly dramatic and dark, with a subtly gory ending.
Excellent creepy build-up.
Top use of word economy.
Good luck and best wishes, Ray
Comment Written 19-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
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Thank you very much for the encouraging feedback. Much appreciated.
Comment from ProSongwriter
Hi there ...
I always find Flash Fiction to be very interesting, particularly when the word count is so tight, as it is in this competition.
The brevity of words hardly seems an impairment to you. you have given us a story from beginning to end: They meet, they click, they kiss, she is taken in. A beginning, a middle and an end. Sounds like a full to me!
I like your direct writing ... not a lot of fluff but just enough warm & fuzzy around the edges. Nicely done!
Good luck in the contest ...
Alan
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
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Hi there ...
I always find Flash Fiction to be very interesting, particularly when the word count is so tight, as it is in this competition.
The brevity of words hardly seems an impairment to you. you have given us a story from beginning to end: They meet, they click, they kiss, she is taken in. A beginning, a middle and an end. Sounds like a full to me!
I like your direct writing ... not a lot of fluff but just enough warm & fuzzy around the edges. Nicely done!
Good luck in the contest ...
Alan
Comment Written 19-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
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Thank you very much for your feedback. It is very much appreciated. I like these 100 word challenges. They can stretch you!
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You are welcome ... my pleasure!
Comment from rjuselius
this is a compelling story dear anon! the kiss between two strangers is presented quite well. the twist in the end is surprising.
thank you for sharing!
good luck in the contest!
rebekka x
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
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this is a compelling story dear anon! the kiss between two strangers is presented quite well. the twist in the end is surprising.
thank you for sharing!
good luck in the contest!
rebekka x
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
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Thank you for reading. It is very much appreciated. I am glad you found it surprising!
