Framed
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "Cold Fingers, Warm Heart"A thriller set in Washington
10 total reviews
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hello Bob,
I've reviewed previous chapters and found this one as riveting.
I'm reviewing on an iPad today, hence the brevity of my comments. Hope you had a great Christmas.
Sonali
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2014
  |
Hello Bob,
I've reviewed previous chapters and found this one as riveting.
I'm reviewing on an iPad today, hence the brevity of my comments. Hope you had a great Christmas.
Sonali
Comment Written 26-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2014
-
Thank you for stopping by and reviewing my work, I do appreciate it.
All the best for 2015. Keep writing
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Intriguing. Of course, I haven't read any other chapters, but from what I see here the book seems to be well written. You even know when to use a semi-colon. And it's certainly action filled. Clever as well.
One error I noticed, more than once. You will want to watch for this and edit the book to correct it before publishing. The rule that says only ONE person may SPEAK in each paragraph also covers their ACTIONS.For example, here is once where the mistake occurred:
..."Tonight I'm interested in only one weapon." He groaned as her hand stroked his groin.
The second sentence, after she is done speaking, shows the general doing something, so that should start a new paragraph.
Here's another:
No." The venue was her choice, a small restaurant in a suburb renowned for its Lebanese cuisine. He allowed her to order, then swapped meals following the waiter's departure.
First SHE speaks, so it's her paragraph.
The last sentence is what HE did, so it should be ia a new paragraph.
THe middle part can go either way, but I would place it with the general, to start his paragraph.
Hope that helps. :)
Phyllis
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2014
|
Intriguing. Of course, I haven't read any other chapters, but from what I see here the book seems to be well written. You even know when to use a semi-colon. And it's certainly action filled. Clever as well.
One error I noticed, more than once. You will want to watch for this and edit the book to correct it before publishing. The rule that says only ONE person may SPEAK in each paragraph also covers their ACTIONS.For example, here is once where the mistake occurred:
..."Tonight I'm interested in only one weapon." He groaned as her hand stroked his groin.
The second sentence, after she is done speaking, shows the general doing something, so that should start a new paragraph.
Here's another:
No." The venue was her choice, a small restaurant in a suburb renowned for its Lebanese cuisine. He allowed her to order, then swapped meals following the waiter's departure.
First SHE speaks, so it's her paragraph.
The last sentence is what HE did, so it should be ia a new paragraph.
THe middle part can go either way, but I would place it with the general, to start his paragraph.
Hope that helps. :)
Phyllis
Comment Written 24-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 24-Dec-2014
-
You have pinpointed my greatest fault. I've had this pointed out many times but I don't see it while I'm writing. I will correct these flaws.
I really appreciate your comments. I will correct them. This is what I love about Fanstory.
Hope you have a great Christmas season
-
Same to you. And a very happy and prosperous new year as you prepare to publish your exciting novel. Not my kind of genre, too scary and tense for an old lady, but you do a great job with the subject. ;)
Comment from amahra
Sorry for taking so long to review this. I really love it. A strong woman and she's bad to the bone. Loved the narration that was very intriguing to the reader. Loved the surprised ending as well.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2014
|
Sorry for taking so long to review this. I really love it. A strong woman and she's bad to the bone. Loved the narration that was very intriguing to the reader. Loved the surprised ending as well.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2014
-
Thank you amahra. Review like yours make all the effort worthwhile. I really appreciate your comments.
Comment from Tortie Heart
Excellent work, description, characterisation, tension and surprise at the woman being a strong woman and a killer. Not really my genre but excellent writing with appropriate intrigue and 'gutsyness'.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2014
 |
Excellent work, description, characterisation, tension and surprise at the woman being a strong woman and a killer. Not really my genre but excellent writing with appropriate intrigue and 'gutsyness'.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2014
-
Thank you for taking the time to read and rate my writing. Six stars, that really is amazing, thank you very much
Comment from Jay Squires
You have penned a dynamic chapter here, Bob! Your pace and suspense is superb!
Of course, I have to find something!:
He allowed her to order, then swapped meals following the waiter's departure. [Just making sure I understand. He allowed her to order THE SAME THING FOR BOTH? That's the only thing that would make sense if he swapped meals ... yet I first thought you meant he let her order HER meal first. Nit picky? Perhaps.]
Thomas relaxed on seeing the Moslem edict of alcohol abstinence bypassed. [Okay, the day for nit pickiness but shouldn't it be "...edict against alcohol abstinence?" I always think of "Edict of Nantes" and "Edict of Worms" (Yes, the examples are from Google, but after they gave all the "edicts" that were doctrines, they followed with the likes of "Edicts against Christians," which were not Doctrines, but more causes.]
They left the restaurant hand-in-hand, him intoxicated to the point of requiring her support to walk and her fully sober. [Substitute "HE" for "HIM" and "SHE" for "HER". They are both subjects of independent clauses. Try adding "was" after each and you'll see the error.]
"Tonight, sir, I'm in charge," she replied on evading his grope. Difficult to read critically during this scene, but you do need a comma after "replied"]
a silenced pistol and a blood saturated pillow. [He may have wondered no more, but I'm left wondering why she would pull a blood spattered pillow from under the bed.]
the precise position she had been two hours earlier [The "she" is a little vague here, Bob. I wasn't sure you weren't talking about the killer, here. Her sex wasn't mentioned until here, which added to the confusion.]
The killer then put the blood-stained pillow [Ya vol!]
Again, small things, mostly suggestions and requests for clarification. A great read, Bob!
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
|
You have penned a dynamic chapter here, Bob! Your pace and suspense is superb!
Of course, I have to find something!:
He allowed her to order, then swapped meals following the waiter's departure. [Just making sure I understand. He allowed her to order THE SAME THING FOR BOTH? That's the only thing that would make sense if he swapped meals ... yet I first thought you meant he let her order HER meal first. Nit picky? Perhaps.]
Thomas relaxed on seeing the Moslem edict of alcohol abstinence bypassed. [Okay, the day for nit pickiness but shouldn't it be "...edict against alcohol abstinence?" I always think of "Edict of Nantes" and "Edict of Worms" (Yes, the examples are from Google, but after they gave all the "edicts" that were doctrines, they followed with the likes of "Edicts against Christians," which were not Doctrines, but more causes.]
They left the restaurant hand-in-hand, him intoxicated to the point of requiring her support to walk and her fully sober. [Substitute "HE" for "HIM" and "SHE" for "HER". They are both subjects of independent clauses. Try adding "was" after each and you'll see the error.]
"Tonight, sir, I'm in charge," she replied on evading his grope. Difficult to read critically during this scene, but you do need a comma after "replied"]
a silenced pistol and a blood saturated pillow. [He may have wondered no more, but I'm left wondering why she would pull a blood spattered pillow from under the bed.]
the precise position she had been two hours earlier [The "she" is a little vague here, Bob. I wasn't sure you weren't talking about the killer, here. Her sex wasn't mentioned until here, which added to the confusion.]
The killer then put the blood-stained pillow [Ya vol!]
Again, small things, mostly suggestions and requests for clarification. A great read, Bob!
Comment Written 17-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
-
Sorry it's taken so long to reply but at this time of year 24 hours isn't enough.
As always you have excelled. Have made the changes you suggested.
Hope you and your family have a great Christmas.
Comment from JanetRussek
Wow, talk about deception and coldblooded murder! This was scary. This woman is unbelievable. Bob if anyone tells you you're twisted, take it as a compliment.
Warm Regards,
Janet
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
|
Wow, talk about deception and coldblooded murder! This was scary. This woman is unbelievable. Bob if anyone tells you you're twisted, take it as a compliment.
Warm Regards,
Janet
Comment Written 17-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
-
Janet, your replies are the best Christmas gift I could ask for. Hope you have a great Christmas
Comment from Quoiky
Very well written, but I have a few questions.
How could he tell 'she was much prettier than he envisioned' if she was wearing a burka? Were her eyes that tantalizing?
The second question is about the phrase ... 'Moslem edict'. At the risk of sounding really stupid, what does that mean?
I really enjoyed reading this and look forward to your next chapter.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
|
Very well written, but I have a few questions.
How could he tell 'she was much prettier than he envisioned' if she was wearing a burka? Were her eyes that tantalizing?
The second question is about the phrase ... 'Moslem edict'. At the risk of sounding really stupid, what does that mean?
I really enjoyed reading this and look forward to your next chapter.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
-
Quoiky, love the name where does it come from?
In regards to your questions: 1) At the time that opinion is expressed he is intoxicated and filled with lust. His impressions are lust induced. (2) Maybe I have the incorrect term. Moslem edict to me means adhering strictly to the laws of the Koran, in this instance, no drinking.
Hope you continue to read and that Christmas brings you everything you need
-
My name... Quoiky was my nickname as a child. If 'Moselm edict' is what you meant... should it not be 'Muslim'?
Comment from James Partlow
Well done, Sir. I would give you six stars, but I used them up already. I'm often tempted to skim, but this was such good writing. I'm not sure why she had to get naked (not to bloody her own clothes?), but that's what she did.
As a novelist I get annoyed sometimes when people say "why did he do this and not that?" Well, he's a person, and that's what he chose to do.
As Stephen King said, the difference between reality and fiction is that fiction has to make sense.
Thanks for posting. And Merry Christmas!
- Jim
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
|
Well done, Sir. I would give you six stars, but I used them up already. I'm often tempted to skim, but this was such good writing. I'm not sure why she had to get naked (not to bloody her own clothes?), but that's what she did.
As a novelist I get annoyed sometimes when people say "why did he do this and not that?" Well, he's a person, and that's what he chose to do.
As Stephen King said, the difference between reality and fiction is that fiction has to make sense.
Thanks for posting. And Merry Christmas!
- Jim
Comment Written 17-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
-
Love that quote from Stephen King. And thank you for the complimentary review.
I wish you all the best for Christmas
Comment from Zue65
Well this is a perfect murder and the moral lesson of the story is, don't be easily deceived by the mystery of a woman wearing a burka, and resist the temptation of lust. Failing to consider these two cautions, will lead to death especially if the woman is a hired killer pretending to be Arabic.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
|
Well this is a perfect murder and the moral lesson of the story is, don't be easily deceived by the mystery of a woman wearing a burka, and resist the temptation of lust. Failing to consider these two cautions, will lead to death especially if the woman is a hired killer pretending to be Arabic.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
-
Thank you for reading and reviewing.
Hope you have a great Christmas
Comment from royowen
Well you are adding more and more people to the tally of highly trained combatants, who is this new one who has Spellman, Ashe and Paull in her sights which isn't going to be a picnic for, is this your plot plan from the beginning, and are there others in your plan Bob. Inventive work, Very clever episode bob, well done mate, your brother journeying ok? Well done. Roy.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
|
Well you are adding more and more people to the tally of highly trained combatants, who is this new one who has Spellman, Ashe and Paull in her sights which isn't going to be a picnic for, is this your plot plan from the beginning, and are there others in your plan Bob. Inventive work, Very clever episode bob, well done mate, your brother journeying ok? Well done. Roy.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2014
-
Thank you Roy for such a complimentary review.
Hope Christmas is kind to you.
-
And to you Bob
