Let's Talk Dirty!
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Laura's Story"The story about three women who need to make money
11 total reviews
Comment from madhatter1977
Really good start! I have read the prologue and first chapter and am intrigued to see how it develops. I haven't seen Calendar Girls but get the gist of how you intend it to be. No doubt there are some twists along the way to confound the reader!
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2015
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Really good start! I have read the prologue and first chapter and am intrigued to see how it develops. I haven't seen Calendar Girls but get the gist of how you intend it to be. No doubt there are some twists along the way to confound the reader!
Comment Written 15-Feb-2015
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2015
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I can't thank you enough for going back to the beginning and getting the gist of the story. I'd like to think that once you've read the synopsis, it's easy to pick up the story at any point. The women are all working from Jenny's child free house until after Christmas, then they go their separate ways and the fun begins as Laura and Karen work from home and try to keep their jobs a secret from their children. Nearly there! Alexis x
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I have started reading your book, Alexis, and just letting you know, I like the start of it. I feel empathy with Laura, and look forward to seeing how she get out of the hole that landlord put her in. xsx sandra
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2015
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I have started reading your book, Alexis, and just letting you know, I like the start of it. I feel empathy with Laura, and look forward to seeing how she get out of the hole that landlord put her in. xsx sandra
Comment Written 22-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2015
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Nearly caught up with my reviews! Thank you, manager Mitchell! xxx
Comment from rwilliam
Great chapter. You have such a good way of making me get lost in your stories.
I'm not sure why I haven't gotten any of the updates on your chapter before now, but i"m happy to be getting them so I can catch up.
I've missed you. Hope your holidays were blessed.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Great chapter. You have such a good way of making me get lost in your stories.
I'm not sure why I haven't gotten any of the updates on your chapter before now, but i"m happy to be getting them so I can catch up.
I've missed you. Hope your holidays were blessed.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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I can't thank you enough for wonderful review, especially as this chapter isn't not promoted any more. Still loads of editing to do (up to 75,000 words and still going strong) Your encouragement means so much, my friend - Thank you!
Comment from Glasstruth
Sounds very real, as in my case, I too, will lose my job in March, due to the company moving. I can understand her fear and the panic attacks. Living day by day, and not knowing what tomorrow will bring after so many years of security is hard. There's tension that's building. Well done. Les
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2014
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Sounds very real, as in my case, I too, will lose my job in March, due to the company moving. I can understand her fear and the panic attacks. Living day by day, and not knowing what tomorrow will bring after so many years of security is hard. There's tension that's building. Well done. Les
Comment Written 14-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2014
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I'm so sorry to hear that, Les. Losing your job is bad enough, but when you're in your fifties and sixties, it can be a bit scary because you still have to survive until your pension kicks in. That's exactly what inspired the book. Loads of us in the same boat! Thank you again for your review. Alexis x
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Dear BC - Laura sounds like all of us at one time or another. Great writing, smooth reading and great characterization. Your story so far is looking great.
Thanks for sharing.
WC
Xx
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2014
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Dear BC - Laura sounds like all of us at one time or another. Great writing, smooth reading and great characterization. Your story so far is looking great.
Thanks for sharing.
WC
Xx
Comment Written 12-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 13-Dec-2014
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Thank you WC. Yes, I think most of us have been there one way or the other! Hope today finds you feeling stronger. Love and hugs from across the pond. Alexis xxx
Comment from Curly Girly
Many women have been in this exact sort of position. It's always tough to be widowed, and it's a difficult age too. I think this story will appeal to most women over 40, it's something most of us dread thinking about.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2014
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Many women have been in this exact sort of position. It's always tough to be widowed, and it's a difficult age too. I think this story will appeal to most women over 40, it's something most of us dread thinking about.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2014
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Sadly, it is becoming more common place, in the UK at least. Up until about 15 years ago, women retired at 60, men at 65, so you had a few years of relaxation together before you popped your clogs. Not so now. Men and women born after 1953 now have to work until they're 67/68, so chances are, they'll be past caring about enjoying a few years of retirement. It's the first time in my life that I wish I was a year older! All my pals have their State pension, so have moved to the sun Grrrrrrrrrr Never mind, I suppose earing a crust keeps you young! Thank you so much for the very complimentary six and your fantastic support. Alexis xxx
Comment from G.B. Smith
There is such a feeling of dread as she prepares to go shopping. (I know this feeling. When I lost my business in Honolulu in 1984, I was reduced to a beggar. We had just lost 1.8 million dollars. All I had to my name was $108. I spent $104 of it for my life insurance license. Thankfully by the end of the month I had made $5000.) I know I am going to love this book, after all, look who's writing it.........
Bear
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2014
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There is such a feeling of dread as she prepares to go shopping. (I know this feeling. When I lost my business in Honolulu in 1984, I was reduced to a beggar. We had just lost 1.8 million dollars. All I had to my name was $108. I spent $104 of it for my life insurance license. Thankfully by the end of the month I had made $5000.) I know I am going to love this book, after all, look who's writing it.........
Bear
Comment Written 09-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2014
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Thank you, Bear. Yes, I'm posting her shopping trip today, but at least it leads to Laura doing something positive after feeling humiliated. Well done you for surviving such a horrendous ordeal. My late husband and I suffered something similar in the early nineties, but a need to keep a roof over our heads after he had two mild strokes, turned out to be the career boost I needed to succeed. Just wish I had that kind of drive these days! Lets make Laura a winner, so she can inspire us all! Alexis x
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I feel guilty reviewing this again but it is good to rehash the story so we will be updated when it continues! You tell a different tale about mature women being thrown to the wolves in one manner or another and how they cope with it and eventually come out the winner! I love your work Alexis. xsx Nancy
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
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I feel guilty reviewing this again but it is good to rehash the story so we will be updated when it continues! You tell a different tale about mature women being thrown to the wolves in one manner or another and how they cope with it and eventually come out the winner! I love your work Alexis. xsx Nancy
Comment Written 09-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
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Don't feel guilty at all! I've had to pay twice to promote the bally thing, so why shouldn't you benefit! You have no idea how much I appreciate your support with this because the site feels very 'strange' at the moment! Alexis xxx
Comment from Muffins
This is the first time I'm reading it and I'm hooked. Quickly the reader gets inside the head of the main character and discovers the ups and down of her life. The tone is not of self pity but of frustration of not feeling in control of one's life. A predicament more than enough people can relate to. Wonderful start to this story.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
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This is the first time I'm reading it and I'm hooked. Quickly the reader gets inside the head of the main character and discovers the ups and down of her life. The tone is not of self pity but of frustration of not feeling in control of one's life. A predicament more than enough people can relate to. Wonderful start to this story.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
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I can't thank you enough for your encouraging review. Jenny and Karen's characters have been posted today, so I hope you get a chance to look at them as well. Alexis x
Comment from --Turtle.
Note, I think it's against the rules if this is a reposting of the same work under a new 'page' versus slapping a new certificate on the old version. Not sure if that's what this is, though, so if it isn't, don't shoot me, just a head's up in case it comes off that way to others. Used to be an old 'work' wouldn't go back on the up next slot if a new cert was put on it though, I don't know if that's the case anymore. Anyway...
center. Is this what I'm reduced too? She asked herself as
reduced to? she asked herself as
too means also, not the end location you are using it to be. She is saying this in her mind, hence why you are using italics, so it's all part of the same sentence, like with quotes. The question mark gets people confused about the grammar rule. But, pretend it wasn't a question for a second... (to see the grammar rule)
This is what I'm reduced to, she thought to herself.
This is what I'm reduced to? she thought to herself.
Both of these are the correct way to write it, though it looks counterintuitive. Think italics use the same rules that quotes follow.
to the outside world. That, and her beautiful emerald and diamond engagement ring. (incomplete, would be fine to me, I am fine with incomplete short sentences, but they have to be close to the supporting thought. The supporting starter for this sentence is too far away. The supporting thought was about being grateful for her clothes, recommend putting it closer to that.
I won't claim to know everything about writing, but I can say that I was here ... am still here, in my attempts to improve my own writing. I think you have a chance, if you are willing to really step back and consider this, to grasp the ever elusive suggestion of: Show don't tell. There's a lot of action in this backstory, but it's all reflective, so instead of showing the reader Laura's story, we are being told it. I can see it, and it's good, but to get a handle on showing is a lot of work, breaking the story and remolding it to show instead of tell.
I like the bits of activity, like her moving her ring around her finger as she's thinking of stuff, but a lot of this first chapter is backstory. How to show a story? I'm still trying to get the hang of it myself. But remember, it's a novel, there's time. You don't have to do an information dump before picking up with action, and slowly divulging information through activity, and dialog.
Half the battle is finding a good point to where the story starts. I don't know if this is the place.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
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Note, I think it's against the rules if this is a reposting of the same work under a new 'page' versus slapping a new certificate on the old version. Not sure if that's what this is, though, so if it isn't, don't shoot me, just a head's up in case it comes off that way to others. Used to be an old 'work' wouldn't go back on the up next slot if a new cert was put on it though, I don't know if that's the case anymore. Anyway...
center. Is this what I'm reduced too? She asked herself as
reduced to? she asked herself as
too means also, not the end location you are using it to be. She is saying this in her mind, hence why you are using italics, so it's all part of the same sentence, like with quotes. The question mark gets people confused about the grammar rule. But, pretend it wasn't a question for a second... (to see the grammar rule)
This is what I'm reduced to, she thought to herself.
This is what I'm reduced to? she thought to herself.
Both of these are the correct way to write it, though it looks counterintuitive. Think italics use the same rules that quotes follow.
to the outside world. That, and her beautiful emerald and diamond engagement ring. (incomplete, would be fine to me, I am fine with incomplete short sentences, but they have to be close to the supporting thought. The supporting starter for this sentence is too far away. The supporting thought was about being grateful for her clothes, recommend putting it closer to that.
I won't claim to know everything about writing, but I can say that I was here ... am still here, in my attempts to improve my own writing. I think you have a chance, if you are willing to really step back and consider this, to grasp the ever elusive suggestion of: Show don't tell. There's a lot of action in this backstory, but it's all reflective, so instead of showing the reader Laura's story, we are being told it. I can see it, and it's good, but to get a handle on showing is a lot of work, breaking the story and remolding it to show instead of tell.
I like the bits of activity, like her moving her ring around her finger as she's thinking of stuff, but a lot of this first chapter is backstory. How to show a story? I'm still trying to get the hang of it myself. But remember, it's a novel, there's time. You don't have to do an information dump before picking up with action, and slowly divulging information through activity, and dialog.
Half the battle is finding a good point to where the story starts. I don't know if this is the place.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2014
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I can't thank you enough for this really helpful and indepth review. When I first joined FS back in 2011, it was reviews like this that improved my writing greatly, and gave me the confidence to start writing for Yahoo and various newspapers. I'm still a bit rusty though, so this was really helpful.
I thought long and hard about putting the prologue as something to look forward to in the future, but decided to inject some fun and humour before the awfulness of the three characters is exposed in the first chapter (I don't want anyone getting so depressed, the don't want to read on!)
Re the having to repost what I posted a couple of weeks ago for the competition. Sadly, I don't have a choice because 'Chapter One' will always be 'blind,' and the Synopsis required by the competition rules, so I've had to start again. As for the rules, the winner could only be someone who posted a synopsis and had at least 50,000 words of the novel written, which I believe turned out not to be the case - so I hope I'll be forgiven! Alexis X
