Framed
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Arthur Ashe"A thriller set in Washington
7 total reviews
Comment from TOMORAL
Your descriptions and detail written in a way that keep the reader's attention and wanting to read the next line. This is a very interesting chapter that introduces a new character, and I want to know more about him. What's his role about to be? Really good writing here.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2014
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Your descriptions and detail written in a way that keep the reader's attention and wanting to read the next line. This is a very interesting chapter that introduces a new character, and I want to know more about him. What's his role about to be? Really good writing here.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2014
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You'll just have to wait and see. Aren't I mean.
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You'll just have to wait and see. Aren't I mean.
Comment from Benny Beeharry
Hi I have read many novel chapters before, this one really stands out. The language ,to the point and the drift unbroken keeping the readers attention to the end. I thought I would read it for a short while and continue later. No chance.
Well done.
Benny Beeharry
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2014
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Hi I have read many novel chapters before, this one really stands out. The language ,to the point and the drift unbroken keeping the readers attention to the end. I thought I would read it for a short while and continue later. No chance.
Well done.
Benny Beeharry
Comment Written 04-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2014
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Thank you Benny for your generous praise, I really appreciate your kind words. And I'm so glad you enjoyed it
Comment from Jay Squires
You're adding an interesting side story here that I'm sure will engage with the major plot. Young Arthur does remind me of someone.
A couple of considerations:
"Are you always such a confronting prick?" [Perhaps "CONFRONTATIONAL ? prick?"]
"One of the lessons here teaches; response in any situation [I don't know why you have a semi-colon after "teaches". Had you intended a colon? ]
Perhaps it was time to back off, [I'd suggest a new paragraph for this. It doesn't follow the person speaking the dialogue.
I believe I mentioned it before, Bob, I'm not a fan of multiple paragraphs of "same-person" dialogue. That doesn't make you or me wrong or right. But allow me to tell you why I feel so strongly about it. The reader doesn't automatically see the open quote at the end of a paragraph of dialogue. When he gets to the next paragraph beginning with a quote mark, he thinks its a new speaker. It may not take him long to figure out he was wrong, but in the meantime he is yanked out of his mood. You have to ask yourself why you DO have the multiple paragraphs of same-person dialogue.
He though wore the multi-starred uniform of a General. [Awkward phraseology, to my ear.]
Nor was it a dummy spit. [Nor was it a dummy SPLIT ? ]
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2014
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You're adding an interesting side story here that I'm sure will engage with the major plot. Young Arthur does remind me of someone.
A couple of considerations:
"Are you always such a confronting prick?" [Perhaps "CONFRONTATIONAL ? prick?"]
"One of the lessons here teaches; response in any situation [I don't know why you have a semi-colon after "teaches". Had you intended a colon? ]
Perhaps it was time to back off, [I'd suggest a new paragraph for this. It doesn't follow the person speaking the dialogue.
I believe I mentioned it before, Bob, I'm not a fan of multiple paragraphs of "same-person" dialogue. That doesn't make you or me wrong or right. But allow me to tell you why I feel so strongly about it. The reader doesn't automatically see the open quote at the end of a paragraph of dialogue. When he gets to the next paragraph beginning with a quote mark, he thinks its a new speaker. It may not take him long to figure out he was wrong, but in the meantime he is yanked out of his mood. You have to ask yourself why you DO have the multiple paragraphs of same-person dialogue.
He though wore the multi-starred uniform of a General. [Awkward phraseology, to my ear.]
Nor was it a dummy spit. [Nor was it a dummy SPLIT ? ]
Comment Written 03-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2014
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Jay, I always look forward to you reviews as I know they will bring about improvement. I can't thank you enough,
Bob
Comment from mommerry
The way you show the young man refusing to be intimidated by the interviewers was believable as was their reaction. I am confused, however, as to whether this is a historical story or pure fiction.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2014
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The way you show the young man refusing to be intimidated by the interviewers was believable as was their reaction. I am confused, however, as to whether this is a historical story or pure fiction.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2014
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It is absolute fiction. It is a thriller set in Washington and Arthur is a new character introduced in this chapter.
Thank you for taking the time to review my work
Comment from royowen
I wonder if this is the real Callin? Oh well, all will become manifest! Great episode again Bob, the character of Arthur Ashe would have to be a great possibility for a series of him becoming a tennis player? But anyway makes a rational selection for an agent in one of the mysterious government agencies in existence, in all these shadowy places,
There are a couple of typos/mistakes, you became, not become, heroes not hero's, ? After soldier?" ? After why me?" Well done, again Bob, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2014
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I wonder if this is the real Callin? Oh well, all will become manifest! Great episode again Bob, the character of Arthur Ashe would have to be a great possibility for a series of him becoming a tennis player? But anyway makes a rational selection for an agent in one of the mysterious government agencies in existence, in all these shadowy places,
There are a couple of typos/mistakes, you became, not become, heroes not hero's, ? After soldier?" ? After why me?" Well done, again Bob, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2014
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Thanks for pointing out the typos, I'll get on to them immediately.
Hope your day is going well
Comment from TervLass
This is an excellent chapter and, as a new character, Ashe comes in strongly thanks to your direct, terse dialogue. The dissemination of background info throughout is well placed and nicely paced. Arthur Ashe is strong and confident, fitting both with his youth, athletic ability/successes, and recent training. That he's also been under a microscope by his superiors - and others - speaks volumes for what readers might "glimpse" coming down the pike as this story unfolds.
Two housekeeping bits:
Perhaps ought to exchange the second comma for a question mark? "Are we finished playing games, Sir," Arthur asked. (Unless the question was "expressed" as a statement, by intent, thus, negating "?" (and I don't know if that would even be correct, so take this with a grain of salt).
Might a colon serve better than a semi-colon in this segment? "One of the lessons here teaches; response in any situation is determined by the aggression of the opponent."
Thanks for a fine read - even if I just landed in the midst of the story. Well done.
Helen (TervLass)
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2014
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This is an excellent chapter and, as a new character, Ashe comes in strongly thanks to your direct, terse dialogue. The dissemination of background info throughout is well placed and nicely paced. Arthur Ashe is strong and confident, fitting both with his youth, athletic ability/successes, and recent training. That he's also been under a microscope by his superiors - and others - speaks volumes for what readers might "glimpse" coming down the pike as this story unfolds.
Two housekeeping bits:
Perhaps ought to exchange the second comma for a question mark? "Are we finished playing games, Sir," Arthur asked. (Unless the question was "expressed" as a statement, by intent, thus, negating "?" (and I don't know if that would even be correct, so take this with a grain of salt).
Might a colon serve better than a semi-colon in this segment? "One of the lessons here teaches; response in any situation is determined by the aggression of the opponent."
Thanks for a fine read - even if I just landed in the midst of the story. Well done.
Helen (TervLass)
Comment Written 03-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2014
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Thank you for reading and highlighting the errors, I'll get on to them and edit immediately.
Thank you also for the kind words
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You're welcome. As I'm still familiarizing myself with the site's new format, I didn't realized you'd sent a response...guess I miss those little "message" notices that used to show up in the banner. Helen
Comment from granny goes viral
Since I am protesting this new and ugly and not senior friendly layout that was forced on us with no questions asked, I am not reviewing. Just giving everyone 5.
I PROTEST FIXING THINGS THAT ARE NOT BROKEN. PLEASE HELP.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2014
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Since I am protesting this new and ugly and not senior friendly layout that was forced on us with no questions asked, I am not reviewing. Just giving everyone 5.
I PROTEST FIXING THINGS THAT ARE NOT BROKEN. PLEASE HELP.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2014
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Sadly, changes are forever being forced upon us. We mustn't fight change, we must adapt to it.
Your reaction won't hurt the administrators, it will only affect those whose work you review.
