Comment from MelB

Excellent

This told a great story and I love her humor! I don't know what pickle his bits in vinegar means. I have never heard that saying, but I think it means he is in big trouble! LOL I love the conversation she has with herself and the underwear cracked me up. That is something that would happen to me!

 Comment Written 28-Dec-2014

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reply by the author on 28-Dec-2014

I think you got the general idea about pickle his bits... Thank you so much for reading my story, even without any member cents on it. That was so kind of you. I am glad you liked it though, thank you!! :) xsx Sandra

Comment from Curly Girly

Excellent

Well, that was one crazy read! I suppose it can be like that for people. I enjoyed reading this because I thought is was original, imaginative and way out there. The thong part brought a smile to my face... I have a funny story about that. One day I might have the courage to tell it.

 Comment Written 16-Dec-2014

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reply by the author on 17-Dec-2014

Now you have said that, Nicole, you must write that story! I have no idea what it's really like to have an out of death experience, but this is what came out of that prompt. It was fun writing it. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this one, it been finished a while now, so there was no pumps to reward you, so I give you a virtual hug instead. :) Now, go and write about your thong!!! :) xsx Sandra.

Comment from daeneam

Excellent

Hmmm she did wake up - thank goodness. We have seen a scene like this in the movies and we usually hope for the better and to have a happy ending. I hope it happens in real life so that we'll have a second chance of living better. c", Mae

 Comment Written 02-Dec-2014

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reply by the author on 02-Dec-2014

That would be good! LOL, thank you for your lovely review! x

Comment from K. Lorraine

Excellent

The dialogue of this short story gave forth wonderful imagery of what talking to yourself and God could be like when discovering that you are hanging in limbo, but not dead yet. Interesting take on a view of what dying might be like. Good work and good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 01-Dec-2014

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reply by the author on 01-Dec-2014

Thank you so much for this lovely review, and for the good luck wishes.

Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Exceptional

Bravo! Great job! I felt like I knew the lower class, thong-wearing scavenger. And the whole scene is somehow strangely believable. I hope now that she has a second chance, she cleans up her act. :)

 Comment Written 01-Dec-2014

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reply by the author on 01-Dec-2014

I am sure she will, Phyllis! :) Thank you so much for your lovely review and the super 6 stars! x

Comment from nancy_e_davis

Excellent

This is very original I must say. I like this idea very much and I do believe it is a great entry! I love the dialogue and the way she kept slipping in and out of the body. Well done and Good Luck in the contest. Nancy

 Comment Written 01-Dec-2014

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reply by the author on 01-Dec-2014

Thank you so much, for your lovely review, Nancy! :)

Comment from Gargantuan2

Excellent

I could see this being more than just a short story. That being said, it means you've done well with character development. I hope it does well in the contest :)

 Comment Written 01-Dec-2014

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reply by the author on 01-Dec-2014

Thank you so much! x

Comment from Dean Kuch

Excellent

I really enjoyed the bits of dark humor carefully woven into this story. After all, we might as well make light of the situation if we can see and hear everything that's going on around us after we've died. Why cry over spilt blood...right?

The narrator's voice itself, and the way in which you've so well conveyed her thoughts and feelings, was very well done. I tend to agree, there are no "bright, white lights" and no "beckoning relatives" that come to welcome you across the threshold. I know first hand because I've been "there" -- wherever "there" was -- once myself.

Excellent writing, and good luck in the contest.

~Dean

 Comment Written 30-Nov-2014

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reply by the author on 01-Dec-2014

Goodness, Dean, that must have been so scary. As far as I know, I haven't been 'there' even though I had a botched operation once. They cut me open cut through my bones in my knee and removed them, then discovered there was no replacement knee to go in. Apparently, there was panic when my blood pressure dropped dangerously low as they rang around the other hospitals to see if they had one. Makes you wonder, doesn't it. Thank you so much for your really lovely review, my friend, my Master of the dark unknown! :)

reply by Dean Kuch on 01-Dec-2014

Yeah, it does make you wonder, and when your anesthetized, your life is in their hands, and you're at their mercy.

My near-death experience was terrifying, and the main reason why I write such dark poetry and stories today. It helps me deal with all of the nightmares. One of these days, I'm going to write about it, when I can find the courage to do so.

reply by the author on 01-Dec-2014

I think that is the only way you will end those nightmares, Dean. Writing it away is good. I use my writing to get rid of the anger in my mind, and other things. Perhaps you could start it in a small way, just to see how it goes. You can always stop and hide it away again. xx

reply by Dean Kuch on 01-Dec-2014

I've been seriously considering it. But it is so horrible to try conjure up those feelings of loneliness and horror I felt as I looked out across that shimmering ocean of blackness I saw there. it rippled and shifted, like... molten ebony glass... E-w-w-w-w! I have to stop there...

reply by the author on 01-Dec-2014

That was a start, Dean. I see now what you mean. It sounds really horrible, yet you had conscious thought while you were there. That must mean something. I can't even begin to imagine the loneliness and horror you felt. I hope you will get rid of this nightmare, and soon.

reply by Dean Kuch on 01-Dec-2014

Oh, I had consciousness alright, I could hear my daughter screaming at the EMTs to help her daddy, but it sounded like they were all in some far-off cave someplace. Their voices were faint and echoed as if I was in some vast canyon. I was so confused, and thinking, 'So, this is it, huh? No white lights, no relatives come to greet me...nuthin'!?' I was livid, and shook my fists at the heavens, screaming at God. I remember doing that, although in retrospect, that probably wasn't the best thing to be doing at the time, LOL.

reply by the author on 01-Dec-2014

It sounds as if you were really drugged up, Dean, which we are in surgery, that can bring the worst thoughts, ideas, dreams, or nightmares. The fact that you remembered them, I don't think I would like that. I am sure God understood, LOL, we all shout at Him at sometime in our lives, I know I have.
xxx

Comment from adewpearl

Excellent

good attention-grabbing opening
you set the stage most effectively in your intro
Jacob's Ladder - add apostrophe for possessive
love the narrator's pleas to God about his final destination
effective drama - will she die? will she live?
you work in back story of how she ended up in this situation well
excellent story :_) Brooke

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 30-Nov-2014

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reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014

Thank you so much, Brooke, and thank you for finding my missing apostrophe, I wondered where he had disappeared to! xx

Comment from jpduck

Exceptional

Absolutely wonderful! So much fun. Beautifully structured as well.
Just one SPAG:
'the guy who rang the emergancy services' ('emergency')

 Comment Written 30-Nov-2014

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reply by the author on 30-Nov-2014

Thank you so very much! What an amazing review. Thank you for picking up my spelling mistake, and a huge thank you for the 6 stars! I am over the moon. :)

reply by jpduck on 30-Nov-2014

You're very welcome, for wotsit's sake. The sixer is thoroughly deserved. Adrian.