Framed
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "The Chalet"A thriller set in Washington
6 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
It's a bitch when the game goes wrong. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2014
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It's a bitch when the game goes wrong. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2014
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Thank you Charlie. It's always nice when a good writer reviews your work. I appreciate your stopping by.
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You're welcome, Bob. Charlie
Comment from Jay Squires
These are the ones I dread, Bob. The content is brilliant, but I have to go with my guidelines for SPAG of more than 3 deducts a star. I'm not counting as SPAG any of the 'suggestions' I made. So, the offer is still open: if you make the corrections, I'll return the star. So let me know when that is done.
Other than the above, the dialogue was excellent, the pace and the narrative, up to your fine caliber. It was an entertaining read.
"Ready, Jess," asked Calin on completing his surveillance. [Replace comma with question mark.]
like the car bogged in swampy terrain found her momentum stopped [Need a comma after "terrain" to close the clause from the rest of the sentence. Also, do you feel "the car" (as opposed to "a car")is a bit too specific for a simile?]
With the forty yard trudge from the shelter of the trees to the road accomplished Calin broke into a three-quarter pace gallop. [As much as I hate commenting on commas, since I'm so bad with their use, I do know you need one after the introductory clause, here ending with "accomplished".]
"No one here," said Calin as he swung the door open. [Perfect pacing for this image, with her hearing the footsteps and panicky over what she would say when they opened the door. Excellent!]
"I intend to take a quick look around." [Just curious why you dedicated a new paragraph for this addition to his dialogue? The reader won't notice the open quote at the previous paragraph (betcha a hundred bucks!) and will wonder as I did, "Why is she going to look around?" I'm not saying change it, but I'm speaking out of curiosity.]
It lead to the kitchen [It LED to the kitchen...]
Should he tell Jess of the note, he decided against. [I can only assume you meant "he decided against {it}", in which case you have an awkward run-on sentence with the first half NEEDING to end with a question mark, leaving your choices limited.]
He lifted her from the tub, wrapped a towel around her and placed her beneath the blankets of the bed intended for the elected representative. [In my opinion, this would be an excellent place to let the reader know he is gay. He's not? Then, (again, in my opinion) the reader is going to want to know, as I did, in great detail, the demons he was fighting inside himself not to ravish her.]
Calin recorded the chopper's ID. [Beautiful! Adds authenticity to the character.]
Does that sound like fun? [Is there a reason why the Senator isn't responding, even with so much as a puerile giggle? Instead, you beg the question more by starting a new paragraph with her still speaking.]
Calin recognised the prisoner's symptoms, fear had paralysed him. [Perhaps a colon after "symptoms" to recitify the run-on sentence.
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Reads more cleanly now. Here's the purloined star!
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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These are the ones I dread, Bob. The content is brilliant, but I have to go with my guidelines for SPAG of more than 3 deducts a star. I'm not counting as SPAG any of the 'suggestions' I made. So, the offer is still open: if you make the corrections, I'll return the star. So let me know when that is done.
Other than the above, the dialogue was excellent, the pace and the narrative, up to your fine caliber. It was an entertaining read.
"Ready, Jess," asked Calin on completing his surveillance. [Replace comma with question mark.]
like the car bogged in swampy terrain found her momentum stopped [Need a comma after "terrain" to close the clause from the rest of the sentence. Also, do you feel "the car" (as opposed to "a car")is a bit too specific for a simile?]
With the forty yard trudge from the shelter of the trees to the road accomplished Calin broke into a three-quarter pace gallop. [As much as I hate commenting on commas, since I'm so bad with their use, I do know you need one after the introductory clause, here ending with "accomplished".]
"No one here," said Calin as he swung the door open. [Perfect pacing for this image, with her hearing the footsteps and panicky over what she would say when they opened the door. Excellent!]
"I intend to take a quick look around." [Just curious why you dedicated a new paragraph for this addition to his dialogue? The reader won't notice the open quote at the previous paragraph (betcha a hundred bucks!) and will wonder as I did, "Why is she going to look around?" I'm not saying change it, but I'm speaking out of curiosity.]
It lead to the kitchen [It LED to the kitchen...]
Should he tell Jess of the note, he decided against. [I can only assume you meant "he decided against {it}", in which case you have an awkward run-on sentence with the first half NEEDING to end with a question mark, leaving your choices limited.]
He lifted her from the tub, wrapped a towel around her and placed her beneath the blankets of the bed intended for the elected representative. [In my opinion, this would be an excellent place to let the reader know he is gay. He's not? Then, (again, in my opinion) the reader is going to want to know, as I did, in great detail, the demons he was fighting inside himself not to ravish her.]
Calin recorded the chopper's ID. [Beautiful! Adds authenticity to the character.]
Does that sound like fun? [Is there a reason why the Senator isn't responding, even with so much as a puerile giggle? Instead, you beg the question more by starting a new paragraph with her still speaking.]
Calin recognised the prisoner's symptoms, fear had paralysed him. [Perhaps a colon after "symptoms" to recitify the run-on sentence.
----------------------------------------------------------
Reads more cleanly now. Here's the purloined star!
Comment Written 25-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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Once again you have excelled. I've attended to all the errors I think. I'm posting the book today.
Thank you again, Jay. Your thoroughness really motivates me to improve
Comment from Adri7enne
Good story with lots of action and interesting characters. I like Jess and Calin and it reads like they're off on quite an adventure. I enjoyed reading your clean, uncluttered prose. Good smooth delivery with no spags. I'll keep watching for more. Well done, bob.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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Good story with lots of action and interesting characters. I like Jess and Calin and it reads like they're off on quite an adventure. I enjoyed reading your clean, uncluttered prose. Good smooth delivery with no spags. I'll keep watching for more. Well done, bob.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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Thank you Adri7enne for your kind remarks. Comments like yours really make the writing worthwhile.
What is the significance of the 7 in the middle of your name?
Bob
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I was born on the 7th day of the 7th month. I guess 7 is my number, and it cut down on the possibility of my having the same name as someone else on Fanstory. Works for me, Bob.
Comment from JanetRussek
Oh my goodness, this is good. You are a genius. This should be a movie. This just has to be published. I don't know where that imagination comes from; kinda scary.
Warm Regards,
Janet
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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Oh my goodness, this is good. You are a genius. This should be a movie. This just has to be published. I don't know where that imagination comes from; kinda scary.
Warm Regards,
Janet
Comment Written 25-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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I guess it sort of starts as a movie in my head. If it doesn't attract an Agent's interest by Christmas I'll probably go down the same road as I did with The Ultimate Betrayal. But I'll give Santa Clause the chance to firstly deliver the gift I most want.
G & J Publishers did a great job with Betrayal and they have indicated they'll take on Calin Roberts. I just don't like outlaying the $2,000.
Thank you again, Janet, your support means the world to me
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You should not have to pay to have this wonderful work published. There's an agency out there, somewhere, that will pick up this story. You know what they say; it's all in the timing. Just keep sending it out.
Warm Regards,
Janet
Comment from royowen
A very cleverly designed episode this time Bob, you managed to play brilliantly with the imagery, the sexual innuendo was great with suggestion play out very well, which was good for me. The keynote tension first class, the action was smooth and cleverly described and fluidly enacted, best and most absorbing episode yet, well done, keep me informed how your brother's going! Blessings, Roy,
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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A very cleverly designed episode this time Bob, you managed to play brilliantly with the imagery, the sexual innuendo was great with suggestion play out very well, which was good for me. The keynote tension first class, the action was smooth and cleverly described and fluidly enacted, best and most absorbing episode yet, well done, keep me informed how your brother's going! Blessings, Roy,
Comment Written 25-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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Roy, thank you again for your thoughts on John, that really is appreciated.
You're not the first to suggest this is the best chapter yet. That is a most encouraging, and at the same time a daunting, comment.
Hope it continues to hold your interest,
Bob
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They're all good reading, don't worry, we!re all friends, when I write a really successful work, I'm afraid I'll
never do it again! But we will!
Roy,
Comment from TOMORAL
Now we're really into some suspense. I find myself rooting for Calin and Jess, and find the Senator's predicament amusing. This is the best chapter yet, as they find a way to their destination and solving this whole mystery. I am honored to read this before it's published. Great writing.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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Now we're really into some suspense. I find myself rooting for Calin and Jess, and find the Senator's predicament amusing. This is the best chapter yet, as they find a way to their destination and solving this whole mystery. I am honored to read this before it's published. Great writing.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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Tomoral, you are the second reader to suggest this is the best chapter yet. I find that a most encouraging comment.
I must disagree with you final comment, you are in fact honouring me by reading my work and for that I am most grateful,
Bob
