Vision and Sound: Their Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 48 "Oracles and Quests"Two souls that meet as strangers on earth.
15 total reviews
Comment from Drew Delaney
I couldn't make him out in the darkness of the carriage. I warned the others and they retreated to the safety of the forest. I am hoping to delay Leopold or even divert him to a new course as Julia and the others make their way to Trellitia's."
"I see. Cervantes, he is the new priest. A nice young man. I can't imagine that he would bring Thurston with him.
I have copied and pasted this section just to show you to learn to be aware of writing in 1st person. I personally think it is the best POV for me to write in, as well! However, it can cause some issues. Here I will point out the number of times you begin with the sentences with the word, "I". It's very typical to do, but it can become monotonous to the reader who detects it.
I enjoyed this chapter. You are a great writer. Don't let me hold you back. It seems natural to you, but just keep this thought in your awareness. Thanks for sharing.
Drew xx
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I couldn't make him out in the darkness of the carriage. I warned the others and they retreated to the safety of the forest. I am hoping to delay Leopold or even divert him to a new course as Julia and the others make their way to Trellitia's."
"I see. Cervantes, he is the new priest. A nice young man. I can't imagine that he would bring Thurston with him.
I have copied and pasted this section just to show you to learn to be aware of writing in 1st person. I personally think it is the best POV for me to write in, as well! However, it can cause some issues. Here I will point out the number of times you begin with the sentences with the word, "I". It's very typical to do, but it can become monotonous to the reader who detects it.
I enjoyed this chapter. You are a great writer. Don't let me hold you back. It seems natural to you, but just keep this thought in your awareness. Thanks for sharing.
Drew xx
Comment Written 23-Nov-2014
Comment from Jay Squires
The novel progresses well, Mikey.
Both felt the presence of each other inside of themselves. [The "of" after "inside" is superfluous.]
I am sorry. I meant to harm, but they beat me so terribly. [I meant NO ? harm]
They believed me to be possesed of demons. [be POSSESSED of demons.]
OMG, Rastavius enters the picture! A great lead-in to the next chapter.
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The novel progresses well, Mikey.
Both felt the presence of each other inside of themselves. [The "of" after "inside" is superfluous.]
I am sorry. I meant to harm, but they beat me so terribly. [I meant NO ? harm]
They believed me to be possesed of demons. [be POSSESSED of demons.]
OMG, Rastavius enters the picture! A great lead-in to the next chapter.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2014
Comment from Michaelk
'Winslow quickly introduced him to the others' why would he need to introduce him when they've all been standing there talking to him?
Why the hell would Rastavius come to the village? How did Abramus immediately recognize him? I didn't know they had ever met. And this Oracle, I'm not too sure about him either way. He seems honest, but anyone can seem honest if you don't know them.
You just ramped the danger scale way up on this story. Great job.
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'Winslow quickly introduced him to the others' why would he need to introduce him when they've all been standing there talking to him?
Why the hell would Rastavius come to the village? How did Abramus immediately recognize him? I didn't know they had ever met. And this Oracle, I'm not too sure about him either way. He seems honest, but anyone can seem honest if you don't know them.
You just ramped the danger scale way up on this story. Great job.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2014
Comment from Domino 2
Re: notes. I sometimes wonder if Christianity (and other religions) in their unforgiving extremes is 'the work of the devil', rather than 'mental illness'. ;~)
My reading attention spell is very limited so, with respect, I'll just make a couple of comments.
Rather than keep repeating 'Julia' and 'Florentina', maybe find another way to make it clear who is speaking - 'he/she' could be considered, if clear.
You use some excellent descriptive speech tags, rather than the boring and vague, 'he said/I said' etc.
That's my limit, and I hope it's of some constructive use.
Best wishes, Ray
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Re: notes. I sometimes wonder if Christianity (and other religions) in their unforgiving extremes is 'the work of the devil', rather than 'mental illness'. ;~)
My reading attention spell is very limited so, with respect, I'll just make a couple of comments.
Rather than keep repeating 'Julia' and 'Florentina', maybe find another way to make it clear who is speaking - 'he/she' could be considered, if clear.
You use some excellent descriptive speech tags, rather than the boring and vague, 'he said/I said' etc.
That's my limit, and I hope it's of some constructive use.
Best wishes, Ray
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2014
Comment from Sankey
Hey you good chapter again getting serious methinks, another good chapter.
Time to be hearing some responses from yer mate! I been told I need to write a poem about lack of responses from Reviews given. Hmmm!
Spag I meant t(n)o harm, but they beat me so terribly.
Julia stepped up (to)the Oracle slowly
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2014
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Hey you good chapter again getting serious methinks, another good chapter.
Time to be hearing some responses from yer mate! I been told I need to write a poem about lack of responses from Reviews given. Hmmm!
Spag I meant t(n)o harm, but they beat me so terribly.
Julia stepped up (to)the Oracle slowly
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2014
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Lack of responses? Hahaha. You should put my picture at the top!! I try to review everyone I said I would review. It's impossible really, but I try. That leaves my little time to do anything else. Add to that puter troubles and life things, I couldn't get more buried. But, I try. Man, you have the great eye. I spent an extra fifteen minutes reading over this. I guess it's harder to find in our own work. I'm getting better with "that" though. I think there's one of yours to review if I remember right. Try to get to that soon. mikey
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Yeah well I been telling folks the Story I wrote about the insurance extra payments and the E-tag matter have now both been resolved but have a read whenever anyway. I realise you are up to your ears in it good story about the awful priests and stuff ha.
