Framed
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Abandoned"A thriller set in Washington
6 total reviews
Comment from JanetRussek
Can't tell you how much I'm enjoying this story. Never a dull minute. The suspense is killing me.
Warm Regards,
Janet
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2014
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Can't tell you how much I'm enjoying this story. Never a dull minute. The suspense is killing me.
Warm Regards,
Janet
Comment Written 23-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2014
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As I said in my response to the six stars, Janet you are so very generous.
Like all writers, I often have doubts on my ability to write but reviews like yours really lift those fears. I really am eternally grateful for your praise.
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It is well deserved.
Comment from TOMORAL
Whoa, I did not see this one coming. What will happen to Jess, now? Well, I guess I will see in the coming chapters. Very well written with suspense and thrill. A great chapter. Can't wait for the next one.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2014
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Whoa, I did not see this one coming. What will happen to Jess, now? Well, I guess I will see in the coming chapters. Very well written with suspense and thrill. A great chapter. Can't wait for the next one.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2014
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Thank you again for your kind comment.
I hope to post the next chapter tomorrow.
Comment from Jay Squires
He knew they'd not survive as a trio; a choice had to be made. [What did I miss? Why couldn't they survive a a trio?
Calin didn't see the impact this conversation was having on Jess, his eyes were riveted on the one he was addressing. [Two things here: first it's a run-on sentence; secondly,(and this is in way of suggestion) I would rephrase it. To say he couldn't see the impact what he was sharing with Alexis had on Jess IMPLIES it was having an impact on her. Since you are in is POV, he wouldn't be privy to that anyway. I would rephrase it, something like: "Calin didn't see IF his conversation with Alexis was having any effect on Jess"
Jess felt a degree of guilt, was the combative aggression between her and Alexis a contributing cause to his distress? [This is a really weird run-on: the first sentence is declarative ("Jess felt a degree of guilt"), while the second is interrogative: "was the combative aggression between her and Alexis a contributing cause to his distress?"]
Calin's suggestion to sleep provided the opportunity. [Paragraph spacing error >> Another two lines down.]
Anger intensified with every step, it was directed as Calin. [Directed AT ? Calin]
Good chapter, though I'm still left with the ungiven explanation of why Calin could only have two. Apparently Jess knew your reasoning, but I don't.
I deducted a star for the SPAG (not the suggestions) so let me know when the corrections are made and I'll return it.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2014
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He knew they'd not survive as a trio; a choice had to be made. [What did I miss? Why couldn't they survive a a trio?
Calin didn't see the impact this conversation was having on Jess, his eyes were riveted on the one he was addressing. [Two things here: first it's a run-on sentence; secondly,(and this is in way of suggestion) I would rephrase it. To say he couldn't see the impact what he was sharing with Alexis had on Jess IMPLIES it was having an impact on her. Since you are in is POV, he wouldn't be privy to that anyway. I would rephrase it, something like: "Calin didn't see IF his conversation with Alexis was having any effect on Jess"
Jess felt a degree of guilt, was the combative aggression between her and Alexis a contributing cause to his distress? [This is a really weird run-on: the first sentence is declarative ("Jess felt a degree of guilt"), while the second is interrogative: "was the combative aggression between her and Alexis a contributing cause to his distress?"]
Calin's suggestion to sleep provided the opportunity. [Paragraph spacing error >> Another two lines down.]
Anger intensified with every step, it was directed as Calin. [Directed AT ? Calin]
Good chapter, though I'm still left with the ungiven explanation of why Calin could only have two. Apparently Jess knew your reasoning, but I don't.
I deducted a star for the SPAG (not the suggestions) so let me know when the corrections are made and I'll return it.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2014
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Jay, you have done it again. You see things I don't see and for that you have my undying appreciation. In the next hour I will attend to the corrections and suggestion you mentioned.
As a way of thanking you, would you allow me to send you a copy of my published novel, The Ultimate Betrayal. If you'd like this please send me an address to where I can send it.
Secondly, I'm going to nominate you for the reviewing award.
Thanks again,
Bob
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Well, that's kind of you, Bob. On both accounts. Is it an ecopy? if so my email addy is gwsquires@allstate.com. If it's paper, my home address is 1110 University Ave, Bakersfield, CA 93305.
THanks again, Jay
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It's paperback. It will probably take two weeks to arrive.
Bakersfield, that's where Dwight Yokam and Buck Owens did that great video. Can't remember the song's name
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Uh... try "On the Streets of Bakersfield." Buck Owens was quite a fixture here. You'd see him walking around. I smiled at him in Barnes and Noble and he smiled back. Those are the kind of connections I like. No drooling over his celebrity or him feeling like he has a need to speak to me. Just two human beings sharing a moment of our lives.
Comment from royowen
Interesting development in the story, I would hung on to Jess, for one reason only, she could be trusted! Great progression in your story Bob, you've made an amazing story out of this, it's really quite absorbing, a short one this one, but probably finished this episode in the right place, well done, Bob, good stuff, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2014
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Interesting development in the story, I would hung on to Jess, for one reason only, she could be trusted! Great progression in your story Bob, you've made an amazing story out of this, it's really quite absorbing, a short one this one, but probably finished this episode in the right place, well done, Bob, good stuff, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2014
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Thank you Roy, I really feel humbled by your continued support and encouragement
Comment from Toriah Vanneetta
Very good. I read in an attempt to put faces to the names and the voices of weariness, despair, and question. Little, did I know that the mystery was only lines away, with the quick exit of one, and yet mysterious disappearance of two others.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2014
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Very good. I read in an attempt to put faces to the names and the voices of weariness, despair, and question. Little, did I know that the mystery was only lines away, with the quick exit of one, and yet mysterious disappearance of two others.
Comment Written 21-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2014
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Thank you Toriah and welcome to fanstory.
I really appreciate you kind comment
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Thank you for the embrace.
Thank you for sharing your work.
Comment from Drew Delaney
I haven't read any other chapters, but this read well to me.
it was directed as Calin - I think you meant - at Calin
It shows how jealousy can defeat the purpose, but Alexis seems to be double tracking the situation and thinking it all through, which would be the right thing to do.
Nice job!
Drew Delaney
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2014
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I haven't read any other chapters, but this read well to me.
it was directed as Calin - I think you meant - at Calin
It shows how jealousy can defeat the purpose, but Alexis seems to be double tracking the situation and thinking it all through, which would be the right thing to do.
Nice job!
Drew Delaney
Comment Written 21-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2014
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Thank you Drew, I've corrected that typo. It's hard to find a good typists around here.
I appreciate you taking the time to read my work,
Bob
